So I’ve Been Gone…

Sorry, I’ve been gone for a long time. A LOOOOOOOOONG time.

I was fingerless after the keyboard amoebas ate my hands. It was quite the predicament. The injury hurt so much that I couldn’t eat my favourite cereal with my hands soaking in milk anymore, I was unable to draw, unable blog, and did I mention, I couldn’t consume the tastiest, liquidy cereal barehanded any longer? It was insane, spiders!

I tried to find a solution. I went to all the palm readers, tattooists and mimes I could find, but they all stayed silent despite my troubles. It was my life’s quest to get my hands back. Then it hit me!

After a long time of thinking, and a long time of panicking, I decided to go find a unicorn slave.

But then I realized they had hooves. Not fingers.

Now, I have a fish typing for me. It’s much more efficient, since, you know, everyone knows that fish have eight typing tentacles which they crawl with.

Wait a minute…

My slave has informed me that she is my pet spider. I am sincerely sorry; I don’t live around too many species.

XglsiruwIRsor

She just angrily jumped on the keyboard, while claiming that I’ve been with her for about ten years or so.

Oh! She just told me this is a private matter and to not have me dictate any about anymore. “A blog should be a connection between the author and reader,” she says, “without a MIDDLE MAN.”

I don’t know what she’s talking about. Men with average heights are great! Women are too.

So readers, if you have painfully average height, it’s not as painful as my late onset shortness. (I had carpet amoebas the other day.)

And remember, dear blog scanners, stay away from amoebas!

 

Texting? What’s that?

LOL. BRB. ABC. TTYL. ETC.

Do you know what texting is? I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do know what it is because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to ask, “How oblivious can a person be?”

No one actually calls anymore. No, no, no. That’s so old-fashioned. It’s all about texting now. The blipipity-bloop-bloop buttons that are pressed to send sentences to other peeps. Like a faster version of email (email *scoffs*—so passé). Often, the buttons are quite small, resulting in numerous vexing typos.

But like good old snail-mail, one cannot convey emotions through simple text as well as one can through phone calls or *gasp* face-to-face interaction. Thus, the creation of the emoji.

This weekend, Spinette and I were sitting on a couch. We were less than six inches apart and yet we were texting instead of speaking. And the reasoning we used to validate this behavior was the lack of emoji in real life.

I mean, it’s not like you can use your face to display emotion. No, no, no. It’s all about that emoji.

Also, it should be noted that we were at an emoji-themed birthday party.

Keyword = emoji-themed.

Phones, phones, phones.

A Brief Example…

You are eating lunch with Friend A, B, and C. But you are currently texting Friend D, who is not there. You are texting Friend D because Friend A and B are group-chatting with Friend E and Friend C is staring off into space and slightly drooling and you don’t want to deal with that drool. Since no one at your lunch table is talking to you, you begin to text Friend D to entertain yourself and complain about Friend C’s drool.

Later, you are eating dinner with Friend D, but you are texting Friend C to talk about how awesome the restaurant is. Friend D gets bored of you not paying attention to him and goes off to another table to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has just walked into the restaurant.

The Solution…

If only you were to strike up a conversation. Then Friend A and B would stop texting Friend E because, honestly, you’re far more interesting than her. Friend C (whose phone was taken away because she refused to do the dishes) is intrigued by your conversation and joins in, ceasing to drool. Now, the drool problem is solved and you, Friend A, B, and C will all get your daily dose of Real Life Human Interaction.

And later, you can hold a proper conversation with Friend D so he doesn’t wander away and get caught up in the mess that is Ex-Boyfriend.

TADA

I am brilliant.

How to Speak TXT (TXT=Text)

Text Speak is the magical language naturally spoken by Cell Phones and Teenagers. For Teenagers, Text Speak, or txt Speak, is intuitive and as soon as one turns 13, they find themselves starting to use it more than Normal English.

This guide is not for them. This guide is for the Beginner newly introduced to txting (texting). Those who are either children or have reached the age where they’ve started to forget the intricacies of texting.

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Once you have become fluent in Text Speak, you should start speaking it in real life, too. Do not limit this language to the Cell Phone. People around you will definitely appreciate you more, instead of laughing at the joke they spent months preparing, you say L-O-L. [Note: Always say each individual letter. Never say lol *shudders*]

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Text Speak usually occurs in one of two forms: acronyms or devowelization.

An acronym is when instead of saying/typing an entire phrase, you use the first letters of each of the words in the phrase to make a new word.

For example, LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud.

Super efficient, isn’t it?

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Devowelization is when you pull the vowels, which are completely unnecessary, out of a word. [Note: Ignore the fact that this makes the words impossible to pronounce.]

For example, TXT is “Text” without the “e”. [Note: Also ignore the fact that it take more syllables to say “T-X-T” than it does to say “text”]

Efficiency!

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Let’s practice translating acronyms.

FHRIIBIARAFNSHA

***

Translation: Freddy’s hamster rolled in its ball into a river and Freddy never saw him again.

How did you do? Awesome, I’m sure. And wasn’t that so much more efficient? The number of letters was significantly reduced.

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Now let’s practice translating devowelized phrases.

thts wht frddys mm tld hm nywy. n rl lf, frddys mthr ws ntnsly rttd wth th hmstr, wh ppd n hr brnd nw shs nd sh drnd t n th rvr

***

Translation: That’s what Freddy’s mom told him anyway. In real life, Freddy’s mother was intensely irritated with the hamster, who pooped in her brand new shoes and she drowned it in the river.

Simple, right?

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Despite Text Speak becoming unnecessary with the eradication of flip phones, we should all continue to endorse it and use it continuously because it’s doesn’t use nearly as many letters as Normal English and is so much more efficient.

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TH ND

 

Texting? What’s that?

LOL. BRB. ABC. TTYL. ETC.

Do you know what texting is? I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do know what it is because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to ask, “How oblivious can a person be?”

No one actually calls anymore. No, no, no. That’s so old-fashioned. It’s all about texting now. The blipipity-bloop-bloop buttons that are pressed to send sentences to other peeps. Like a faster version of email (email *scoffs*—so passé). Often, the buttons are quite small, resulting in numerous vexing typos.

But like good old snail-mail, one cannot convey emotions through simple text as well as one can through phone calls or *gasp* face-to-face interaction. Thus, the creation of the emoji.

This weekend, Spinette and I were sitting on a couch. We were less than six inches apart and yet we were texting instead of speaking. And the reasoning we used to validate this behavior was the lack of emoji in real life.

I mean, it’s not like you can use your face to display emotion. No, no, no. It’s all about that emoji.

Also, it should be noted that we were at an emoji-themed birthday party.

Keyword = emoji-themed.

Phones, phones, phones.

A Brief Example…

You are eating lunch with Friend A, B, and C. But you are currently texting Friend D, who is not there. You are texting Friend D because Friend A and B are group-chatting with Friend E and Friend C is staring off into space and slightly drooling and you don’t want to deal with that drool. Since no one at your lunch table is talking to you, you begin to text Friend D to entertain yourself and complain about Friend C’s drool.

Later, you are eating dinner with Friend D, but you are texting Friend C to talk about how awesome the restaurant is. Friend D gets bored of you not paying attention to him and goes off to another table to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has just walked into the restaurant.

The Solution…

If only you were to strike up a conversation. Then Friend A and B would stop texting Friend E because, honestly, you’re far more interesting than her. Friend C (whose phone was taken away because she refused to do the dishes) is intrigued by your conversation and joins in, ceasing to drool. Now, the drool problem is solved and you, Friend A, B, and C will all get your daily dose of Real Life Human Interaction.

And later, you can hold a proper conversation with Friend D so he doesn’t wander away and get caught up in the mess that is Ex-Boyfriend.

TADA

I am brilliant.

The Awesome Blogger Award

Hey, nonexistent peeps! We were nominated for The Awesome Blogger Award by the amazing Jina S. Bazzar. Seriously, go check her out. Her posts are awesome.

1) Why did you start blogging?

I started my first blog, https://unicornia2016.wordpress.com/, because I was told to. It’s a guide to traveling to and living in Unicornia, but it’s dormant now.

Spinette started her first blog, https://unicornsightingsblog.wordpress.com/, for the same reason. (She’s the scribe for Ned the Narwhal, though, who doesn’t have fingers.)

My second blog was a book blog which has thankfully been removed from the internet. I started that one because I hated this one book so much and I just had to scream about it somewhere.

Both of these blogs only lasted a few weeks.

I have no idea why we started TheWebWeavers. It kind of just happened.

2) Do you choose the contents of your blog by random or do you have a system?

Obviously randomly. It’s kind of just whatever we want to talk about. (With the exception of Mellow Yellow every Sunday.)

3) Do you rather type the contents of your post on a keyboard – all ten fingers – or on a screen with thumbs?

I like my keyboard a lot. I can’t type as quickly on a tablet or phone and if I type slowly, I usually lose my train of thought, which would result in either a boring or choppy post that skips around. Imagine jokes where I’ve forgotten to add the punchline.

4) If technology was to become extinct but there was one thing that you could keep, what would it be?

I know I just said that I love my keyboard, but I’d probably keep my tablet because my laptop is pretty old and I can feel the last dregs of its life disappearing so I wouldn’t want to save its life from the doom that is the inevitable apocalypse for it to only break the next day.

5) Is there a type of blog that you seek to follow, or do you only follow those who follow you – or do you only follow the blogs that you really enjoy?

I only follow the blogs that I really enjoy because I try to read every post from the blogs that I do follow, and so I don’t follow all that many since the day only has a finite amount of time. I do try my best to read a couple posts from everyone that follows or likes on TheWebWeavers, though.

6) During a cold storm, would you rather spend your time reading, watching a movie or talking on the phone?

Reading, obviously. I spend all my free time reading anyway.

7) When you hear the word fantasy, what comes first to your mind?

Snowflakes and ash. Purple snowflakes and blue ash, to be more precise. No idea why. My minds a weird place.

8) Have you ever lied about having a commitment so you could stay at home lazing around or blogging, or just to finish reading a book you particularly enjoyed?

I will confess, I have claimed to have more homework than I actually do to get out of things. Not often.

I’m a rebel.

9) What’s a word you can’t stop using on your posts but think you should?

Lovely. I use it too much, not just on my posts, but everywhere. It’s my go-to adjective, but it makes me sound like an old-fashioned, stereotypical British dude.

10) If you were asked to rename your blog, what would you name it?

The Arachnid&Spinette Show

Arachnid&Spinette

The Art of Web Weaving

Unitato (Unicorn + Potato = Unitato)

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My Questions

1. What’s your favorite book?
2. Would you rather only wear fashion from the ’80s or medieval times?
3. What’s your favorite flavor?
4. Do you think that the plural of moose should be meese? (Goose -> Geese|Moose -> Meese)
5. Watching grass grow or watching paint dry?
6. Do you like kaleidoscopes?
7. How many constellations can you identify?
8. Is there light pollution where you live?
9. What kind of bird do you really want to see?
10. This question’s a freebie. Do whatever you want. Go crazy.

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I’m tagging…

1. Once Upon a Spine
2. Plot Monster
3. Smudged Thoughts