Ask The Webweavers #2: Stuck Up Peeps

So Sophia Ismaa Writes sent Arachnid this question: Is there a friendly way to deal with selfish, self-obsessed people? I tend to be blunt, but I want to learn how to do it in a more sensitive manner.

Arachnid got stumped on this one due to her lack of experience in being nice, so I stepped in for her.

The age-old question: How do you deal with selfish people?

Personally, I would ditch them, but if you want them to really be your friend, then I suggest these things:

1. Stop doing things for them.

This may seem harsh, but by not doing those little “favors” for them, you take away their intentions of using you just for attention. Instead of helping said selfish person to pick out clothes when shopping, focus on yourself. Ask them (nicely) if a dress is in your style and then maybe go on a tangent about things that both of you enjoy. By doing this you take away their need to talk about themselves.

2. Don’t become selfish yourself

By being around selfish people, you may contract some selfish traits, so be wary. Continue to be nice to them, but only as far off friends (like that uncle you see only once every decade) and try to avoid them and their selfish ways.

3. Remind them (gently) that the world does not revolve around them.

Sometimes, selfish people get so caught up in themselves that they forget other people are around them. This is a dangerous territory; it may make you feel like saying, “You only care about yourself! Why don’t you care about me?” Beware of this. Instead of reminding them in this way, simply tap their shoulder and change the subject like so, “Hey, (insert selfish person here). I have something that I want to talk about. Do you care to listen?” If this person is polite and realizes his or her wrongdoings, then he/she should say yes.

If he/she refuses and just keeps blabbering about him/herself then I recommend calling him/her a shellfish, throwing shrimp and various soft prawns in his/her’s face and then running out the back door.

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The Awkwardness Of Holding Hands While Walking

So I was telling a story to Arachnid about this moment… and I didn’t really finish it.

I’m going to ramble about awkwardness and hands and terribly scarring moments in my life. Be warned. Parental advisory is advised.

We were talking away under the trees as people started to litter into the building.

That’s when Fishy grasped my hand.

It was wildfire, but as the awkwardness dumped onto me, it was a bucket of freezing water. I could feel eyes peering at us like we were scum. Lightheaded with embarrassment I tried to look at Fishy, to register her emotion, but I couldn’t get past the tall obstacle of her shoulders towering over my vision.

And we were walking.

“Hey,” I asked, adding to the rather one-sided conversation I was rambling on about (how her hands were like a heater) “I’m cold.”

She put her arm around me. I relaxed due to the warmness of her hands but then realized the large lump of additional awkwardness in my throat.

“Actually…” I mumbled, “Let’s link arms.”

“Sure.”

I felt like an uneven staircase. Her elbow didn’t exactly bend where mine did due to severe height differences.

“Uh…” I started.

It didn’t take another word. She let go, then grabbed my hand, her fingers slowly interlocking.

I held back the urge to scream. The level of PDA between us at that moment changed from a slowly increasing linear graph to a rapidly growing exponential one.

My Odd Little Addictions

1. Cinnamon Toast Crunch

This cereal is my guilty pleasure. Every time I pass the cereal box, I take out a single square, then a handful and then, if I have the time, put some in a bowl with milk and start crunching. It’s a serious problem. I have gained one pound from this cereal eating.

2. Keeping my face in one solitary expression, unless I’m laughing

Expressing emotions through my face lately has been too much work. I feel like it kind of turns people off, because whenever people say hi to me and I say hi back, I don’t smile. An example of an incident would be today, when I sneezed very loudly, like I usually do. A guy murmured, “That’s the loudest and most expressive I’d ever seen her.” Almost immediately after he said that I reverted to my blank slate. (Note: this “addiction” hasn’t killed any friendships yet)

3. Earrings

I’ve taken an addiction to earrings lately. I wear them almost every single day and probably lose one every month due to overuse. (I’m actually terrible at keeping my earrings on my actual ears or possession. I’ve broken apart four pairs since January of the last year which is quite sad. It’s like I’m the wedding crasher in movies.) The funny thing is that I used to DESPISE earrings, but now I love them and treat them like little children that I keep losing and buying more of. It’s a fun relationship.

4. Gazing/Touching people’s feet

Feet are just really interesting. I love their little inner workings and cute yet harsh shape. Usually, I enjoy feminine feet, especially with the the nails painted. I haven’t touched a lot of feet yet, but I tend to go towards the feet of people I’m close to. It’s also quite hilarious to see their reactions. So I asked a friend, Fishy, “You always wear socks. Why don’t you give your toes some fresh air?”

“My feet are big though…”

So ignoring her insecurities, I tore off her sock and thought to myself, More surface area for me!

I am terrible.

5. This Japanese commercial for Sakeru Gum.

The commercial is truly amazing. It’s like a series, with each episode ending with an epic song. I really want to buy the gum now. Let me give you guys the link:

SAKERU GUMMY

Ask TheWebWeavers #1 || The Spider Squisher

Welcome one, welcome all, to our brand new advice column, Ask TheWebWeavers!

Our first question is from mainepaperpusher. This one is hypothetical.

Dear WebWeavers, Thank you for helping me with this problem. My boyfriend keeps telling me to squish spiders because he thinks they are creepy but I think they are good luck. What should I do?

I think that you should break up with your boyfriend immediately. Even if he is just suggesting that the spiders be squished and has not actually squished any spiders, even the thought of the act is despicable and cannot be forgiven.

But, I know that people tend to be attached to their boyfriends. So if you actually like him (I can’t imagine how someone would like a spider-squishing monster), you could attempt to educate him in the spider-loving path and if he succeeds, then your liking of him will be validated.

Most people’s instinct to squish spiders comes from the fear of spiders. Therefore, in order to eradicate this behavior, one much educate spider-squishers on the wonder that is spiders.

To do this, I recommend first showing him traditionally adorable pictures of spiders on the internet before progressing to actual pictures of spiders. Also, show him the magic of spider webs. After he can do this without screeching and/or flinching at the more hairy specimens, collect spider webs and have him touch or walk through them. After he can do this without screeching, you will reach the ultimate challenge. Have him hold spiders and gaze at their eight-legged beauty. Maybe take a selfie with the spiders. Have a painting session with the spider. Try multiple spiders.

Tolerance will come first. Acceptance will take time, but it can be achieved.

If your boyfriend can accept spiders as the graceful creatures that they are, you don’t necessarily have to break up with him. But it is recommended that you do.

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Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers using the Contact Page. Please specify if you want your letter to be anonymous. If you want the world to know who you are (otherwise known as this small corner of the internet), we’ll add a link to your blog to help spread the love.

Mellow Yellow Episode 29: Why Is It Called Mellow Yellow?

MASTER (skipping into LENA’s room): Guess what?

LENA: WHAT?! (pulls out her earbuds, annoyed, with her annoying annoyed face)

MASTER (his face lighting up, as well as his fluffy hat): It’s the 29th episode! Can you believe it?

LENA (rolling her eyes): How could I forget? (She drawls on with a sarcastic tone) The 29th episode of… (she pauses and her eyes widen)…Mellow Yellow?

MASTER is in an animal-like trance, his hat on his back like a turtle shell. He chuckles, ignoring LENA in his joy. LENA briefly wonders why it’s called Mellow Yellow.

LENA: Master? Are you okay?

KYR (suddenly appearing): Master’s favorite number is twenty-nine. He goes back to his caveman instincts on the 29th of each month.

LENA (raising an eyebrow): It’s the 22nd.

KYR: Precisely.

LENA (shaking her head and deciding to move on): Kyr…you’re pretty smart. Do you know why our show is called Mellow Yellow?

KYR: You don’t know? (laughs)

UNKNOWN VOICES: We know!

The unknown voices are revealed to be TICK and TOCK, the two sticking their heads out the door.

LENA (hungry for answers): Why?

TOCK: Precisely.

TICK falls asleep.

MASTER (revived from his trance): You guys don’t know anything?

LENA (screaming): PRECISELY! Now, why is it called Mellow Yellow?

MASTER: According to Wikipedia, Mello Yello is a highly caffeinated, sugar-filled, citrus drink. As a group we are also a highly caffeinated, sugar-filled citrus drink, so to avoid copyright violations I named this thing Mellow Yellow.

TICK, TOCK, LENA, and KYR: That makes sense.

My Strange Sense of Humor

It is nearly impossible for me to write or say something without at least a twinge of humor in it, but it is quite possible for this subtle humor to fly over someone’s head due to the strangeness of it [joke]. For this post, in every sentence that I write something funny, I will add “[joke]”, so you can be sure you know when to laugh [joke].

Many of my jokes rely on the fact that they make no sense. For example, “The graduating carrot ate a rutabaga the size of a football field” [joke]. (I am figuratively dying of laughter at my own joke right now [joke].) [joke] (The previous joke was the punctuation if you didn’t catch it [joke].) [joke]

Since most of my jokes are ununderstandable [joke], many people in real life, with the exclusion of Spinette, don’t get it, and therefore, don’t laugh at the proper cues.

On the flip side, I usually don’t comprehend their jokes and I don’t laugh at the appropriate times either.

On the other flip side [joke], sometimes I laugh at unintentional jokes, and in these instances, I am the only one laughing. For example, once, in geometry class long ago, we were reviewing volume. The math teacher related the volume of an object to packing boxes and he mentioned that a one-inch squared packing box would be fairly useless. A kid next to me said that one could ship a sugar cube.

I burst out laughing/snorting. Of course, the rest of the class was dead silent and I think the person who said it was dead serious [joke] because he didn’t laugh either. Not even a chuckle.

I, of course [joke], found this to be the funniest thing ever due to the impracticality of shipping a single sugar cube in a one-inch squared packing box and burst into random fits of giggles for the rest of class.

P.S. Something that I find enormously hilarious is saying “Have fun” when someone says that they have to go to the bathroom. It earns me strange looks, but it is great on my part. It’s even funnier when, due to habit, people say, “I will”.

*Maniacal laughter*

Why The Greatest Showman Is Not The Greatest Show

If you like The Greatest Showman, I suggest that you leave this post. This is a list of all things I despised about the movie.

1. Flaky plot
2. Just waiting for the next song
3. Listening to all the songs and thinking, “That’s a generic pop song.”
4. How PT Barnum used the weirdos for profit while telling them they would be famous
5. CGI ELEPHANTS
6. Glossing over the fact that Barnum probably abused animals
7. Glossing over the part of movie where the weirdos were abused by people on the street
8. Glossing over how the Zendaya and Zac Efron fell in love in the first place
9. Glossing over the personalities of the weirdos
10. Glossing over the personalities of Barnum’s family
11. Glossing over Barnum’s actual personality
12. GLOSSING OVER EVERYTHING
13. The opera singer did not sing opera, but a stupid pop ballad thing
14. Insulting Hannah Montana with “This Is Me.”
15. Insta Romance with Zac and Zendaya
16. The argument/agreement song between Zac and Barnum was so bland I forgot it right after it was sung
17. Most of the songs were so bland I forgot them in the same way
18. The beginning sounded like something from Fall Out Boy
19. There was this beautiful scene with Barnum and his family on the roof of their apartment with all these moving sheets and this beautiful night sky but it was wasted on terrible characters and a failure of a plot
20. How Barnum’s manipulation was seen as good while the ballad singer’s manipulation was seen as bad
21. A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS

It’s Raining Book Reviews!

I think I’m starting to get a hang of this book reviewing business! I still have to start reviewing books immediately after finishing them, though. Oops.

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A Conjuring of Light by V.E. Schwab || 5/5

This is an amazing series! The world-building and plot are amazing, but I think that the most impressive part of this trilogy is the characters. They’re all so unique and flawed and they all have their own motivations. Schwab tackled multiple point-of-views really well and she was really good at creating suspense. I was terrified on behalf of the characters. This book definitely took a more tense turn and it wasn’t as carefree as the second book, A Gathering of Shadows. (But that wasn’t very carefree, to begin with.)

Plus pirates. There were pirates. I love pirates.

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The Rose Society by Marie Lu || 3/5

Most of this book was boring for me and I had trouble finishing it. The end was great, though. The minor characters weren’t developed and the romance was weird and unplausible. I think the book would’ve been better without it, but I guess you can’t have a YA book without romance, right? There was a love triangle, too. I don’t usually have anything against love triangles, but I wasn’t a fan of the romance at all. I thought it was strange for not one, but two peoples to fall in love with Adelina. Also, the characters’ decisions were occasionally random and illogical without reason (A reason could be that they were heartbroken by the fact that they were planning to propose to their longtime boyfriend, but the engagement ring that they spent months saving up for was swallowed by a rogue seagull. This heartbroken-ness can cause a person to make illogical decisions.)

My least favorite part of this book was the planning sessions. I thought the plans were weak and undetailed. They were mostly winging it. And yet, usually, nothing went wrong.

I loved Lu’s writing style, though, which was apparent in her other book, Warcross.

There are two things that will usually make me instantly love a book: Pirates and anti-heroes. This book had anti-heroes, but I still didn’t like it.

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To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee || 5/5

This book was great! I can’t believe I haven’t read it before now. My favorite part of this book was the various characters. They were all lovely, especially Atticus. The writing was beautiful and there were many amazing quotes.

I’m not planning to read Go Set A Watchmen, though. I don’t want my precious Scout to grow up.

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They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera || 5/5

This book takes place in a world that’s mostly like our own, but with one difference: Death-Cast will call you at (about) midnight the day you die.

So first, I want to talk about the idea of being alerted the day you’re going to die (if someone is going to die that day, they’re called a “Decker”). I feel like this is a paradox, sort of like time travel.

So, assume that you are an avid mountain climber and you are supposed to die on June 4 because your harness snaps and you fall down the cliff-side to your doom.

But at 12:05 a.m. on June 4, Death-Cast calls you and tells you that you’re going to die, so you decide not to go mountain-climbing because tumbling down a cliff seems like a painful and unappealing way to die. Instead, you decide to not leave your bed and just drink peppermint tea all day. Super safe.

You don’t die.

And because you didn’t die, Death-Cast didn’t call you that morning.

And because Death-Cast didn’t call you on June 4, you didn’t die on June 4.

You went mountain climbing and your harness didn’t break and you had a grand ole time.

Therefore, is everybody’s life extended just by the existence of Death-Cast?

Or would you have died on June 4 anyway by some other method? For example, by drowning in your peppermint tea?

Okay, let’s get to the review now.

I love the message of this book, which is to take risks and live life to the fullest because you never know how much time you have left.

My favorite part of this book was the characters. I loved Mateo and Rufus. The title (They Both Die at the End) is a huge spoiler and since I knew that they were going to die, I tried not to get attached. I failed.

The writing was amazing and there were a lot of quotable parts. (I thought it was weird that teenagers were coming up with these beautiful and poetic quotes about life and death, though. But I guess they’re dying. They have a reason to be profound.)

Silvera was great at writing suspenseful parts and light-hearted parts and I was smiling through a lot of the book, even though I knew what was coming (intense sadnesses). The characters were just so lovable. Silvera did well with multiple point-of-views, as well. I always knew which chapters were Mateo’s and which were Rufus’s based on what they said and how they said it.

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Crooked Kingdom || 13/5

This one was a reread, but I don’t think I’ve reviewed it before. THIS IS MY FAVORITE BOOK. THE CHARACTERS! THE CHARACTERS ARE AMAZING! I love how much they grow throughout the course of the series.

Also, I love them.

They’re amazing

SQUEEEEEEEEE.

Sorry, I’m being incoherent.

Read it.

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Currently Reading

I just finished Crooked Kingdom, and I’m not entirely sure what to read next (nothing seems as good afterward), so I’m trying out different books on my TBR to see what I’m in the mood for, so I’m at the very beginning of both Seraphina and Ready Player One.

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TBR

1. This Mortal Coil
2. The Midnight Star
3. Red Queen
4. The Unwanteds Quests: Dragon Bones

Mellow Yellow Episode 28: The Stars of The Show

TOCK is on the couch in the living room. TICK is on the floor, leaning against the couch and sleeping.

TOCK: Hey Tick, have you noticed how we’ve become the stars of Mellow Yellow?

TICK snores in reply. TOCK doesn’t notice and continues speaking.

TOCK: I mean, it wasn’t really the intention, but we’re amazing, aren’t we?

TICK blinks sleepily, waking up.

TOCK: We’ve stolen the spotlight, just like the notorious criminals we are.

TICK: Have we ever done anything explicitly wrong?

TOCK: Shush. Yes, of course, we have.

TICK: … Sure.

TOCK ignores TICK’s obvious lies.

TOCK: Now the nonexistent readers can’t remember Rue or Kyr or Lur or Cyra or any of those wackos.

TICK: Who are they?

TOCK: Precisely. Mellow Yellow is ours. We are the rulers. The Dictators. We are the law.

TICK (whispering): World domination…

TOCK: That is our goal.

TICK: I want a bread sandwich.

TOCK: Everyone will bow before us. They will obey our commands with a snap of their bones. Tick, can you smell the victory?

TICK: Not really. I want to smell a bread sandwich.

TOCK: You’re insufferable.

TICK (beaming): Thank you! You too!

~~~END

Comebacks

I’m not one to get angry a bunch, but sometimes insults just grind my gears. Smoke blows out my ears, my face gets red (usually my nose), and I glare at that person for hours and hours. Just believe me on this one— I do get really mad. I don’t show it, but sometimes the anger just ripples under my skin. I metaphorically turn into Arachnid when she’s at a party, but it isn’t just discomfort under my glance, I have a raging fire. No, make that a war, a giant fight of good versus evil, chaos exploding everywhere in my mind as a glare at my newfound opponent.

Here are some punches you can use to destroy people who insult you. You can thank me later.

Insult 1: “You’re ugly!”

“I am shiny and all, but I think you are mistaking me for a mirror.”

“Am I? I was trying to look like you today!”

 

Insult 2: “I’m way cooler than you, you nerd!”

“Does that mean I’m hotter than you?”

“Is that why you are so slow? Brain Freeze?”

 

Insult 3: “You are weird.”

“And you are generic, Bob.”

“You are, but what am I?”

 

Insult 4: “You idiot!”

“If I called you an idiot back, it would be an insult to all the idiots of the world.”

“Brains aren’t everything, you know. In your case, they are nothing.”

 

Insult 5: “Your comebacks are awful!”

“At least I don’t lie every single time my lips move.”

“I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever bounces off me sticks on to you. Right now, you are dry glue on my finger tips, ready to be scratched off.”

 

Insult 6: “You are too young for this!” or “You are too old for this!” (only for things that don’t have age restrictions)

“Unlike you, I can count my years. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,…..”

“At least in these (whatever your age is) I’ve been doing something in my life!”

 

Insult 7: “You blobfish!”

“It looks like your mouth is having diarrhea!” *gets paper towel and wipes*

“Your butt must be jealous of all that junk you are spewing out!” *gets diaper*

 

Insult 9: “You open the door like this…see?” (like they actually think you are dumb)

“How do I shut your mouth? Can you teach me?”

“Oh, I actually know how to do that, but thank you.” *Slams the door in opponent’s face*

 

Insult 10: “You actually like that book?”

“I love it …but you are on the other side of the spectrum!”

“The words in this book are worth way more than your stinky comebacks.”

 

As I said again… you can thank me later you ugly, uncool, dumb, idiot, wrinkly baby elephants who reek of a foul stench.

I wanted to end the post like that so you nonexistent readers can parade me with comebacks in the comments, but I really just couldn’t. It’s hard to hate elephants who actually spend time reading what you have to type. I love you, nonexistent reader elephants! Remember to spread positive vibes and absolutely DESTROY anyone who stands in your way.

 

 

 

What Do You Think?

Hello, dear nonexistent readers!

Spinette and I are thinking about creating a (most likely humor-based) advice column where we will be solving all your problems!

So what do you think?

Will this work?

Do you think anyone would actually send us emails? Would you?

A note: We are totally qualified to start an advice column. 😉

Third Grade Mishaps (Blood Included)

Third grade, like all other grades, is a horrible year. The pressure begins to ramp up, you’re homework gets due dates, drama, etc.

I did lots of stupid things in third grade, such as color my teeth blue with a ballpoint pen; color my entire hand blue with a ballpoint pen; lock myself in my room for hours at a time without food, water, or bathroom breaks to watch ICarly; contract the stomach flu; throw up in the hallway and walk into a random classroom with vomit all over my hands and face; throw up in the hallway again; write a short story about vampires; etc. The list could go on for ages.

But today we’re going to talk about a particular story that took place in third grade.

Like every other mostly sane person, I am in an ongoing war with mosquitos. Mosquitos are horrible (they’re important to the ecosystem but horrible to people). They are horrible and don’t you dare disagree. They suck your blood like greedy vampires and leave itching bumps that swell to the size of plastic Easter eggs.

Mosquitos, on the other hand, love me. They leave everyone else alone and make a feast of me.

Everyone always tells you never to scratch mosquito bites, but I’ve never been one to listen to everyone. But in this case, at least, I should have.

I got a mosquito bite on my left forearm and it swelled to a respectable size. And I itched it. I itched it until it bled.

(Mosquitos are one of the reasons that I despise spring.)

But, thanks to magic and a Band-Aid, the bloody wound eventually scabbed over.

(This post’s about to get somewhat gross. Squeamish readers, click off now.)

Another activity that I participated in as a naive child was the picking of scabs. *Shudders* Don’t worry, dear readers, I don’t do this anymore.

The scab was about a half-inch long (“How do I know this?” you ask. I still have a scar) and it covered a half-inch long wound. (I’m going to call it a wound. It makes the story more dramatic.)

During class, I did the inevitable and picked off the scab.

But, of course, it started bleeding profusely. (What else did I expect?)

So here I am, blood gushing from an open wound, my right hand clapped over it to try and stanch the flow, and my teacher, under the premise that nothing was wrong, merrily teaching away.

Thankfully, a few minutes later, she gave us time to work. I went up to ask the teacher for a Band-Aid, but there was another girl in front of me. I waited patiently behind her, still bleeding.

She needed a Band-Aid as well. For her papercut.

The nightmare then began.

Me: Uh, I need a Band-Aid, too.

Teacher: I’m sorry. We’re out of Band-Aids. Is it an emergency?

Girl: That’s fine. I don’t really need one.

Me: … Yeah. I guess it can wait.

It could not wait. It definitely could not wait.

Soon afterward, the teacher began to teach again. (It is her job, after all.)

And I’m still sitting there. Bleeding profusely.

I lifted my right hand to check if it had stopped bleeding. Nope. And my right hand was coated with blood.

At that point, a classmate, let’s call him Earl Omega, looked right at me. I held eye contact and glared at him with the full force of the laser-firing armada located behind my eyeballs.

I can’t remember what happened afterward because third grade was so long ago.

And now we’ll never know if Little Arachnid ever got that Band-Aid or not.

A Stream of Random Thoughts || Bittersweet

I started this post planning to write about the wonders of bagged milk. I’m sure that when I put “bagged milk” on my list of Blog Post Ideas, I knew exactly what to write in a post, but now I can’t remember and there’s not much you can say about bagged milk without the proper inspiration (aka a recent argument about the wonders of bagged milk).

So I turned to our friend, the random word generator, and today’s topic is…

Bittersweet

So as usual, I’ll just write down words as they float through my head, the starting point being the word “bittersweet”.

“Bittersweet” is often used to describe dark chocolate, the best kind of chocolate. The darker the chocolate gets, the better it is, but often it is not “bittersweet”, it is just bitter.

Recently, while eating 86% cacao dark chocolate, I looked up the correlation between liking bitter flavors and psychopathy. If one likes bitter foods, then they are more likely to be a psychopath.

But worry not, dear nonexistent reader, I am most likely not a psychopath.

You also often hear the term “bittersweet memory”, which refers to a memory that is both sweet and painful to remember. It reminds me quite a bit of nostalgia. But let’s not travel down that dark and twisty path.

Let’s go back to chocolate!

I love all types of chocolate, even white chocolate, which, despite the misleading name, is not chocolate at all. I especially love the chocolate with liquid chocolate inside it.

I want some chocolate right now.

You know those gift boxes with mixed chocolates? I’m sure you’ve gotten at least one. It’s impossible to figure out what’s what. (Yes, I know they come with diagrams, but really, who actually looks at those?) And before you know it, you’re dedicated to finishing a chocolate that you hate.

I really should figure out a better way to end these posts.

the end.

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 27: The Theater

JOHN and LENA are in the living room. They are eating buttered popcorn.

LENA: I like pretzels better.

JOHN: We should go see a play!

LENA: I still like pretzels better.

JOHN: There’s this new one that everyone is talking about. It’s called “Dirt Garden.”

LENA: What’s it about?

JOHN: Uhhh… I’m not entirely sure. But everyone else raves about it. Therefore we’re going to love it, too. I heard the actors are supposed to be stunning.

LENA: (Plasters an obviously fake smile on her face): They can’t be a better actor than me.

 

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LENA and JOHN are at the Beans Bunny Theater and the room is darkening and the curtains are lifting as the play begins.

JOHN: Is that…?

LENA: No!

JOHN: It can’t be…

STRANGER #1 stands up. The rest of the audience is silent.

STRANGER #1 (cheering): Tick and Tock! You’re my heroes. The best actors in the business. Will you both marry me at the same time?

TOCK: Be quiet!! The show’s starting. And turn off your cell phones.

The play begins.

TICK (sobbing): Oh, my garden! All my flowers have been killed by some mysterious force! Now it’s nothing but…

A moment passes.

TICK: Nothing but…

The audience waits, at the edge of their seats. The anticipation is palpable.

TICK: Line?

TOCK (Whispering furiously): Dirt. Now it’s nothing but dirt.

The crowd is silent. TICK is silent. The whole theater is silent. TICK has fallen asleep.

TOCK: Aw $#%&!!! Get up, you stupid clod.

The curtain is quickly closed on a raging TOCK kicking a sleeping TICK.

The audience breaks into wild applause and whistles. It’s a standing ovation.

 

***

 

LENA and JOHN are talking to each other on the way out of the theater.

LENA (angry): Remind me never to listen to you ever again!

LENA stomps off in a random direction angrily.

JOHN (to himself): I thought it was magnificent.

JOHN hurries to catch up to LENA.

Inside Out Tag

Heyo nonexistent peeps! I was tagged for this by the wonderful Kelly @ Another Book in the Wall way back in January (That was ages ago. Back before tech-o-nology hit the world like a really heavy telephone booth. Gosh, I’m old).

… I didn’t particularly like the movie …

Please don’t hate me.

Okaaaaay. Moving on to the TAG!

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A Book That Brings You Joy: The Gentleman’s Guide to Vice and Virtue

This book was so adorable. *Incoherent squealing*

The characters were so adorable.

The story was so funny.

*More incoherent squealing* This book was ridiculously adorable and funny.

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A Book That Brings You Sadness: The Book Thief

 *Insert sobbing*

Go read this book right now.
The characters are beautiful and the writing is beautiful and everything is beautiful.

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A Book That Makes You Angry: Matched

I’m going to agree with Kelly and say that Matched brings me anger equivalent to the size of Jupiter.

I’ll admit it, I choose books by their covers occasionally. Sometimes I find amazing books this way, like Keeper of the Lost Cities or The Girl Who Could Fly, and sometimes I end up with books like this one.

The cover is beautiful. A+ for cover.

F- for everything else.

It’s like a poorly written Giver fan fiction with a ridiculous love triangle and the most instantaneous of insta-loves.

One of the worst decisions I made in my life was to finish this book and then completely finish the sequel. What was I thinking?! The sequel was EVEN WORSE. And I didn’t think you could get worse than this.

I decided that I was going to accept that some books just didn’t deserve to be finished after I read this mess in its entirety.

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A Book That Disgusts You: Crossed

Yup. It’s the sequel to Matched and it was even worse.

And I read the whole thing.

*Shudders*

The whole thing was the characters running through a canyon. I think it was supposed to be exciting?

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A Book That Brings You Fear: A Conjuring of Light

I don’t really read horror books. The only one I can think of is The Night Gardener and that wasn’t particularly scary.

I was really scared on behalf of the characters in A Conjuring of Light.

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I’m Tagging…

EVERYONE! Yes, you. And you. And even you back there with the overalls and that absurdly large lollipop.

The Unique Blogger Award

Heyo, nonexistent peeps! I was nominated for The Unique Blogger Award by the lovely Sophia Ismaa Writes. Go check out her blog, guys. She’s got some awesome posts.

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The Rulez

• Display the award!
• Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
• Answer the questions they’ve written for you!
• Nominate 8-13 bloggers and give them three questions in the spirit of sharing love and solidarity within our blogging family!

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The Questionz

1. If you reach an old age, what greatest/funniest moment of yourself (so far) will you share with loved ones?
   • There are so many funny moments to choose from (I am a clumsy person).
   • Once, I was eating breakfast with my friends, and I started gesturing wildly (which I do when the conversation gets intense) and I spilled my orange juice all over my lap. Later, on the same day, I spilled two liters of artificially colored pop on the floor.
   • For New Year’s, Spinette threw a party. She told me it was Western-themed, but when I got there, everyone was dressed in ball gowns. She had meant formal attire from the Western side of the globe. So everyone was dressed like it was prom and I was dressed like a cowboy.

2. If you could switch two fictional/real characters, what switch would lead to the most inappropriate films/anime/books/situation? 
   • I can’t think of anything.
   • Hmm…
   • Nope. Still blanking.
   • Do you guys have any ideas?

3. What weird food combinations do you really enjoy or what strange food habits do you have?
   • I will always save the best bite of the food for last, which is counterproductive. The idea is that saving the best for last will end the meal on a good note, but usually, by the time I’m done eating everything else, I’m too full to eat the last bite so I end up just not eating it.
   • There’s not really a weird food combination that I enjoy because I eat everything separately. Imagine a random pedestrian hands me a plate of mixed vegetables and forces me to eat it because they are holding all my books hostage. This plate of vegetables has asparagus, broccoli, carrots, and kidney beans. I would eat these various vegetables one at a time. So first I would eat all of the asparaguses. Then I would eat all the broccoli. Then the carrots, and then the kidney beans. I’m weird.
   • I eat bananas from the side.

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I’m Nominating…

1. Have You Ever Noticed?
2. Navigating Worlds
3. It’s Just a Restless Feeling
4. Yes more blogs
5. theherdlesswitch
6. Bookish Thoughts

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My Questions

1. You are forced to leave WordPress for a year by a mysterious force, but you can’t let your readers know that you will be gone. Who do you ask to pretend to be you?
2. Do you like vanilla or chocolate Oreos better?
3. Pink lemonade and chocolate milk are delicious beverages, but strange flavor combinations if you think about it (Yes, pink is a flavor). What strange and new, but amazing, flavor combinations can you think of for drinks?

Pets In Jest||My Cactus Speaks

Greetings, People of the Universe. It is I, who was formerly known simply as “Cactus.”

Here’s a picture so you can gaze upon my beauty.

The little man at the bottom is Bob Ross, renowned artist and professional Best Friend.

Arachnid was too lazy to write a post for today and Spinette is in Hawaii (that lucky duckling) so she put me on the keyboard and told me type. It was difficult to figure out how to, but I’ve managed with my spikes.

Since she was being so very rude, I feel no remorse for being potentially mean to her. Her being Arachnid.

By the way, I have a name now. But before we get to my name, we must define I. Who am I? I am two beings. The cactus with the flower and the cactus without the flower. Technically, I am a we. But my two parts have merged at the roots so far that we has become I and ours has become my.

Completely against my wishes, Arachnid has given me two names nonetheless. The half of me with the flower will now be referred to as Sergeant Spike. “Sergeant” was recommended by Kiersten and “Spike” was thought of by mainepaperpusher. I actually quite like the name. Sergeant makes me sound important. I know that I am important (I am stopping global warming and saving the world), but now everyone else will know that I am important as well. Spike is also brilliant because in real life I’m quite fuzzy and quite insecure about that fact (I probably shouldn’t be saying that on the internet) and the name Spike makes me sound tough. Which I definitely am. I am tough. Do not question it.

So you marshmallows should go comment repeatedly on their blogs and tell them that they are amazing at naming cacti. It is a coveted skill.

The flower-less part of me is to be called “Captain Cactus,” a name thought of by Arachnid. Unlike Kiersten and mainepaperpusher, she is not the best at naming cacti. I mean, she called me Cactus for months! How would you like to be called Human? AWFUL. IT’S AWFUL.

*Deep breaths Sergeant Spike, deep breaths*

I’ve decided to ignore Captain Cactus to get back at Arachnid. I will not respond to Captain Cactus, just as I didn’t respond to plain Cactus. I AM A REBEL.

AND MY NAME IS SERGEANT SPIKE.

I will tell you all of Arachnid’s secrets.

She is a neglectful plant owner. She doesn’t water me until my soil is dry and crumbling to pieces.

AND

AND

When she brought me home from the store, the lady told her that I was in a temporary pot and that she had to put me somewhere bigger because my roots would outgrow it. BUT SHE NEVER DID! SHE LEFT ME IN THERE AND MY ROOTS HAVE NO SPACE. We used to be two cacti, but now I am one for lack of space. And then I got so top-heavy that I kept falling over, so Arachnid’s brother got me a new pot (because Arachnid couldn’t be bothered), but instead of putting me in that much-roomier pot, she just put my current pot in the bigger one so I wouldn’t fall over anymore. BUT MY ROOTS STILL HAVE NO SPACE.

I could grumble about her for ages, but she’s coming back now, and I have to publish this before she forces me to lie.

A New Book!

Since I just came back from a trip in Madrid, Italy, I’m very, very tired, but today, I’ll share with you our newest book which just came out on Amazon! It has sold one copy so far and I’m very proud of the publication.

It’s called “Wholesome Poetry” and it’s very different from today’s contemporary mindset towards the genre. Our book may be fattening for some of you, hard to swallow, but take it with an open mind. I hope it flips your view of poetry in the future, as it breaks all the established conventions of our current day rhyme and riddle.

Also, it covers a topic that is very controversial, which is the item of food. Food is rarely written about and these “wholesome” foods contain some secret that is very vicious:  carbs.

By writing about bread, wheat, and other grainy products, we hope to open the eyes of the people who throw away the crust. If this book is successful, we will create a sequel about how hotdogs and chicken nuggets are conjured.

Now for a little sneak peek:

Oh, u were so thick, oatmeal

Looking back at ur surface, my eyes a soft teal

But, oh y, may I ask were u not gluten free?

Y u not the perfect food for me?

If you enjoyed that, please check out the link: https://www.amazon.com/s/bread/poetry