Mellow Yellow Episode 13: Wedding Special!

The wedding is just about to start in the Inverse Aquarium, but TICK and TOCK are having problems putting on BREAD SNADWICH’S dress.

TOCK: It’s so slippery! I can’t put it on!

TICK: It’s slipping out of my hands! (tries to keep the salami stable)

QUINN: (on the other side of the door) Is my princess ready yet? The guests are here already! (comes in)

TICK AND TOCK: SORRY!

QUINN: I’ll put it on. Besides, I am her groom, so I should take responsibility!

TICK and TOCK run out, seeing that the billions of guests that have already arrived

 

***

 

ARA: Chloe! You’re here! Now, where is Jay? I want him to die.

CHLOE is hugging herself tightly.

MASTER: YOU ALSO KNOW THE SECRET OF THE BREAD!

 

***

 

With the flashing lights and flying squids, QUINN and BREAD SNADWICH come out. QUINN is also wearing baloney and strips of salami braided into his hair. MANAGER OPPA is throwing confetti on them.

TOCK: Our child is so beautiful in that dress! (cries tears of joy)

TICK is sleeping

TOCK: DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE OUR DAUGHTER GET MARRIED?

JAY (Appearing from nowhere): So you are the bride’s mother? Where is the father?

TOCK points at TICK

CHLOE: She’s cute.

JAY: HOW? WHAT? ARE YOU SURE, MA’AM? SHE LOOKS LIKE YOUR SISTER!

TOCK (annoyed): She is.

*Awkward silence*

 

***

 

ZHAN, JOHN, KYR, and CYRA are sitting at a table together

CYRA: Hello.

ZHAN: Who are you?

CYRA: I’m in the process of finding what hair color suits me. I don’t have an identity until then.

JOHN: Like a K-pop star! (covers mouth)

KYR: John used to be one! He told me everything under that dress at the wedding shop!

CYRA: DANCE FOR US! (Touches his hair)

JOHN: I was a model, not a K-pop star! (starts to dance like a squirrel having seizures)

ATTENDANT starts singing Luna’s I Wish with her pretty voice

Everyone starts crowding around her, leaving JOHN alone. JOHN is relieved

KYR (in the crowd): YEAH! WEIRD METAPHORS!

CYRA (to ATTENDANT): Are you a K-pop star?

ATTENDANT: Yes. (Reveals her true identity as KIM TAEYEON, while singing crazy high notes)

Suddenly everyone stops everything

LENA (wearing a sticky dress): Why do I have to be the usher! (grumbles)

QUINN: Just do it!

LENA: Pfft, fine. (Pauses) Quinn, do you take this beloved bread sandwich as your wife?

QUINN: I do.

LENA: And do you, Bread Snadwich take your beloved, Quinn, as your husband?

BREAD SNADWICH: …. (hey, did you notice this ellipsis has a fourth dot which means it’s an actual ellipsis in Bread language)

The crowd is biting their fingernails. Quinn is eating his hair

BREAD SNADWICH: I—

ZHAN (Dramatically): NO! Stop the wedding! I will not let my bread sandwich go like this!

JOHN: That girl is mine! (filled with rage) Along with the house!

LENA: Um… what house?

MANAGER OPPA falls into chaos and takes TAEYEON with him

TAEYEON (singing): WHHHHHHHHY, WHHHHHHY!

CHARMING: Good morning.

JOHN and ZHAN are in a heated argument.

TOCK: TICK, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ON THE A.C.?!

CHARMING AND KYR: Improper Grammar! (provides subtitles)

TAEYEON: Annyeonghaseyo!

*Are you at peace? Or “Hello”*

OPPA: How did you speak English so well before?

TAE: I just copied Fany! Bye, English people!

TAEYEON swims to Korea

ZHAN: Wait, where is Korea?

JOHN: Let’s go back to our heated argument!

TOCK: TICK! THE AC! (burning in the midst of the argument)

 

***

 

JAY (On the sidelines): I wanted some squid. At least some!

CHLOE (covered in squids): THEY ARE EATING ME, JAY! GET THEM OFF!

JAY: Yay!

ARA: I’ll save you! (uses Unsticky Act to unstick the squids)

CHLOE (cheery): You are my hero! Let’s get married!

 

***

 

ZHAN: THE BREAD SNADWICH IS MINE!

JOHN: NO! IT’S MINE!

QUINN: I’m pretty sure this supposed to be my wedding!

ZHAN: When you asked me if Bread Snadwich liked birds, a couple of episodes ago, I said no. How do you think I knew?

QUINN: I don’t know. And shouldn’t you get married to Tick’s—

TICK: WHAT! NO!!! I WANT TO GET MARRIED TO MANAGER OPPA!

TOCK: CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ON THE AC! (still in the fire) AND ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? (the fire flares up)

TICK pours iced milk onto TOCK

JOHN: I’m sorry, Tick, but Manager Oppa just swam to Korea.

TICK (crying): MANAGER OPPA, I WILL MISS YOU!

TOCK: You still have me… (smoking in the remnants of the fire)

TICK is snoring

LENA (to everyone): This wedding is just falling apart! Can’t we just get this over with!? IT’S ABOUT 4.5 PAGES LONG!

Everyone claps at the new world record

MANAGER OPPA: (returns with angel wings) Thank you for the entrance!

MANAGER OPPA: I’m called Manager Oppa for a reason! Let’s get this started! Now, what’s the problem?

QUINN: These heathens are keeping me from getting married!

JOHN and ZHAN glare at him

MANAGER OPPA (With a crafty smile): Let’s prove it! We will see who loves Bread Snadwich the most in an ultimate competition! Whoever Bread Snadwich stays with is the winner!

JOHN: NO! THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE! SHE’S JUST A BREAD, AFTER ALL!

MANAGER OPPA: Strike 1!

 

~~~END

Advertisements

A Rambling

Hello, peoples of the universe!

I’m going to try something new today, always dangerous.

A random word generator on the internet is going to generate a random word for me, and I’m going to keep writing whatever that crosses my mind until it reaches a post-sized blob of words.

And this will give you nonexistent readers a glimpse into my head, always dangerous.

The Word: Cottage

Hmm. The seven dwarves from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves had a cottage. I haven’t read Snow White. Did I capitalize the title properly? Is “the” supposed to be capitalized as well? Oh well. That’s mostly right enough.

What was I supposed to be talking/thinking/writing about? Oh yeah, cottages. I don’t like cottage cheese. Once when I went to Spinette’s house, we had cottage cheese for breakfast. It was lumpy and I didn’t like it. (Apologies, Spinette.) Cheese, in general, is lovely. I like mozzarella the best. Especially in stick form. Not cheese sticks where you peel it and things. The kind where it’s breaded and gooey. Is there a separate word for that or is it also a cheese stick?

Things I don’t like about mozzarella cheese sticks:

  • When the entire cheese part comes out and you have to just eat the breaded part
  • When it burns your tongue
  • When the cheese keeps stretching out and getting longer and longer and then the cheese reaches the length of your arm so you can’t hold it out any farther without asking for help, but that would be disgusting, to have someone else hold your cheese stick. But you have to do something because the cheese is getting lower and lower because of the effects of gravity, and eventually it will hit the table/your clothes/the floor and will be inedible.

Cottages.

They have straw for roofs in books, right? How do they keep water from leaking into the house? And why is it “roofs” and not “rooves”?

The plural of “goose” is “geese”. So following this logic, the plural of “moose” should be “meese”, right? BUT IT’S NOT. This is an atrocity. Personally, I say “meese” (although it doesn’t come up in conversation often) in the hopes of sparking a meese revolution.

Mouse to mice

House to hice

Is “louse” the singular of “lice”?

I probably shouldn’t Google it right now. I’m writing a post.

Google is a verb and a noun and a company.

I have to go do other more boring things. This is post-sized, right? Is it okay if I don’t proof-read? I probably didn’t make any mistakes…

Goodbye.

P.S. Does anyone read the tags? Would someone notice if I put something interesting there?

Crazily Acquainted w/ Arachnid Weaver

Welcome back to another Crazily Acquainted!  Today we have Arachnid Weaver as our guest.  Arachnid’s blog is a hilarious blog that addresses different topics at random (or so it seems).  Let’s get on with the interview!

IMG_6187

Why did you decide to have a blog?

I started my first blog because I was told to. I started my second blog, which was a book blog and has since disappeared, because I passionately hated a particular book and I had to do something about it. The current blog was started to promote our book, Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug.

Why did you choose the name?

The WebWeavers was decided upon because it sticks with our whole spider theme.

What do you write about/plan to write about?

We write about a whole manner of things and the topics are completely random, therefore nothing is really planned. Our blog is mainly a…

View original post 473 more words

Sleep Stories Part 1: Kindergarten

Sleep is that wonderful time between being awake where everything is bliss and there is no homework or taxes to worry about.

But it’s so hard to sleep for enough time, what with the hectic schedule that comes with being awake and often spills into the nighttime hours. I usually have to get up at 6 a.m., which is before the sun rises and therefore inhumane.

People keep telling me to take a nap when I start nodding off in the middle of conversations or trip over my imagination and fall, but I refuse to sleep during the daytime when there is a sun in the sky, telling me that there is work to be done (however inefficiently).

I remember back in kindergarten when there was rest-time. Ahh, rest-time. Such horrible memories.

There is a large difference between rest-time and naptime. When you have naptime, you are supposed to sleep. When you have rest-time, you are supposed to lie on the hard floor quietly, doing nothing, saying nothing, and staring at nothing. But you are not supposed to fall asleep. Never fall asleep! It was absurd.

But this nothingness was only supposed to last a few months into the school year. Once we learned to read, we were expected to read during rest-time. I, on the other hand, couldn’t really read well until first grade, so I continued to spend the time doing nothing with a book in front of my face.

But before the class, as a whole, could read, we were to bask in our nothingness, but nothingness is quite boring, especially for a fidgety five-year-old. So what is a fidgety five-year-old to do other than fall asleep?

So I fell asleep. And my lovely kindergarten teacher didn’t wake me up (Shoutout to you, Ms. K, the best kindergarten teacher in existence). But the class could not wait for me, a tired and fidgety five-year-old, to get the sleep she needed. They had things to learn! So while I was asleep, the rest of the class read Chicka Chicka Boom Boom and made construction paper palm trees. They were glorious.

Struggles of the Ambivert

Ambivert- a person who has a balance of introverted and extroverted qualities.

For me, my introvert and extrovert sides switch almost constantly in conversation. People think the Ambiverts get the best of both worlds (to quote a Hannah Montana song). Introverts think they have it hard, but my brain just toys with me each time I try to socialize. It’s bonkers! To illustrate just how weird and annoying this little Ambivert quirk is, here is an example of an ordinary small talk conversation.

Imagine a crowded hallway, filled with people walking in a single direction. A musty smell is in the air, the smell of rotten people. I finish storing some items in a room, when I emerge into the current disgusting humans. My nose is wrinkling, as I grimace, the introvert in me seeping out for the world to see.

As I walk in the same direction the people are going, I see a head poke up from the crowd. Her. A girl (let’s call her… Fishy) I haven’t seen for such a long, long time, not since lunch! Because this was the very last day I was going to be at the facility, I figured that I should go and hug her, just to be friendly. My extrovert spirit pushed me to divert through the crowd, going horizontal to their vertical, while painfully smiling and apologizing to people around me. I almost ran over a guy trying to find my through the crowd.

Finally, I made my way to Fishy, ready, my arms wiggling by my sides as preparation for a hug. The Extreme Extrovert throws down her chess piece, smiling, gazing intently upwards at her tall stature. Fishy will of course, hug me, saying that she’ll miss me. That is how she works.

“Hey,” she says, “You know I’m going to see you at your Some Random Party, right? You don’t really need to give me a hug.”

Or so I thought.

The shining extrovert in my eyes fades away, replaced by a dark, distant introvert gaze. Yeah, right, I thought, scornfully, You Frosted Flake. Of course you’ll be there! I giggled softly at my ill mannered mental insult. You see, Fishy, not to detract from her awesomeness, is sweet, but always comes late, or cancels last minute with plans. So that basically means that she is sort of fits into the flake stereotype. (If you happen to be Fishy…well, um, you are awesome, it’s just my introvert side just hates everyone. Sorry!)

“Bye,” I wave weakly, flustered. Red consumes my cheeks, flushed in embarrassment. Why did I start a talking spree? I think, skipping away, taking refuge at the empty end of the hallway. Paradise is here, alone with nothing holding me back. Or is it back in the crowded end of the hallway, where I could express my feelings with others?

I don’t know. I have the best of both worlds, but the certainty of none, without a strict border to bind me. I’m an Ambivert, after all.

The Secrets of Santa Claus

Santa Claus may be one of the most mysterious of the holiday figures (including the Easter Bunny, Cupid, etc.). He’s also very popular, considering how many people impersonate him in the winter months. Do you think there are more Elvis Presley or Santa impersonators?

There are some serious plot holes in his story, but that’s to be expected as he’s so mysterious.

Every year on the 25th of December, he manages to accomplish the impossible and travels to every house on the globe whether it is to deliver colorful presents or coal.

 

I have some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop does this.

Some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop travels to every house on the globe in one night:

  1. Santa Claus is secretly The Flash
  2. Santa has the power to clone himself
  3. Santa controls the minds of every parent and forces them to buy presents (or coal) for their children and put them underneath decorated pine trees on midnight on Christmas Eve.

 

Do you think Santa gets migraines from watching every single kid every single minute of every single day?

And how does he deliver presents in tropical climates without melting in his big red suit?

 

Another question to consider: How does Santa, a very large man, fit down such small chimneys? Is he actually smaller than people assume? Or can he shrink himself? Or is his large size all a trick of proportions and cameras?

And what does he do when the house doesn’t have a chimney? Climb in the window?

And what if the fireplace is on?

How to NOT get run over by a reindeer this Christmas

Grandma got run over by a reindeer…

Everyone has heard of this song, but do we know how much actually rings to be true? Each year, about a half million people get run over by various types of reindeer, mostly during Christmas to New Year’s Eve (www.thisstatismadeup.org). According to this news story, reindeer attacks are very traumatizing and should be avoided. These people in the report state their case, as reindeer can be fierce with tough hooves and claw like antlers.  Vicious Reindeer 

So how do we avoid such terrible threats? By eating chocolate? By staying inside? By not believing in Santa?

Step 1: Wear protective clothing!

Make sure you stand out from the ground, whether it be snow or grass. The only surefire way to do this is by wearing bright neon orange, because as we all know, red is simply not original. Reindeer look for generic-ism, for people who don’t stand out and look like scrumptious berries on mistletoe. If you wear white or green, you are automatically cast out as a landing pad for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve. Other colors do not work because they are acceptable to wear in public and Santa will frown at his generally distasteful costume once looking at you, and we don’t want to hurt Santa’s feelings, do we? Santa has insecurities too and wearing neon orange will remind him that at least someone has a more terrible suit than him. Of course, do not actually dress up as Santa because the real Santa will see you as a dirty fraud to his expertise and chase you (I know this from personal experience).

Step 2: Keep away from all carrots, apples, mushrooms and greens at all costs!

These foods are the favorites of the reindeer and should not be eaten during the holidays. Besides, they are green booger slop as mentioned by previous post. (Except apples— they are chainsaws.) By keeping these foods away, you not only benefit your diet, but your lower your chances by getting run over by a reindeer. But, if you do have to go near these foods, here are some disposal methods I recommend:

  • Giving a sleigh ride to your food into a nearby potted plant
  • Throwing it outside and covering it with snow (built a snowman over it—I’m sure the reindeer will smash it)
  • Trade plates with a particularly annoying family member or friend
  • Hanging the food by a noose

After you’ve disposed of the food, it is best that you completely disinfect yourself. Shower in Febreeze and tomato juice, but make sure you keep that neon orange jumper on!

Step 3: Refuse to go to any place with reindeer, caribou, horses, zebras, giraffes, or donkeys!

If you have been a sinful little Johnny this year (which I can assure you, by reading TheWebWeavers, you are), reindeer will try to hunt you down! By using whatever relations they have, they will find you and attempt to break your head open, so please keep away from all reindeer-like creatures. If you can, lock yourself in an empty room, or if you get lonely, lock yourself in a room of aquariums. That way, you are isolated from all the land animals and all possible carriers of the reindeer relations. Bring any type of food you want, except the foods mentioned above and eggnog into the room, because you’ll probably be in there for quite awhile. Also, break your phone—I heard the reindeer are getting better with tech nowadays.

Step 4: Believe!

Like the news report highlighted, believe in Santa, his elves and most importantly, his reindeer. I heard that Santa will give a good pummel of reality to anyone who doesn’t believe in him. Honestly, I don’t blame the guy! He’s been watching you all year and most people don’t even give him one day to revel in his achievements! That’s why Santa has reindeer henchmen, ready to hoof you into the snow. As an extra tip, don’t make snow angels, since that is perfect hoofing position for the ones who don’t believe. Their smiles turn into frowns once countered with the shadow of the hoof.

Step 5: Stop at the red light!

I don’t mean the traffic light, silly! I mean Rudolph’s light, shining bright on his nose. Once you see that light, stop right where you are and dart in the other direction, screaming.

Mellow Yellow Episode 12 1/2: Filler Part 2, The Attendant Special

Due to sympathies felt by the authors, it has been decided that the ATTENDANT will receive more minimal lines to abate her unquenching thirst for the spotlight. Albeit, we will only refer to her as “ATTENDANT” to preserve her anonymity so she is protected from crazed fans and, most importantly, her ego doesn’t grow larger than it already is.

ATTENDANT (to an invisible audience): Oh! I’m so emotional. This is too much… All I can say is….. THANK YOU!

With that, she bursts into song with her surprisingly glorious voice.

ATTENDANT: MASSACHUSETTS GURLS, WE’RE DENIABLE. DULL, OLD, MILD, LIKE ONIONS ON TOP.

KYR and JOHN are the only people still in the store. KYR bursts into applause. JOHN looks aghast at ATTENDANT’S horrible interpretation of the classic song. Although, he must admit, her voice is only second to his own.

MASTER, now a ghost (he has obtained the ability to morph between the two forms), floats through the door and steals a dress for BREAD. It is made of a mixture of bologna and salami, although why a dress like that was in a fancy dress shop and not a deli eludes all.

ATTENDANT: I thought I screamed at you to get out of here!

 

~~~END

The Many Uses of Paperclips

Heyo, nonexistent guys!

A Very Long Time Ago, Spinette and I had a “contest” to see who could come up with more uses for paperclips.

It’s this whole thing with Divergent Thinking and Creativity, but I’m not going to go into the science-y stuff as I’m sure I’ll get it wrong. But to sum it up,

More uses for paperclips=more creativity

But, sadly, this idea failed as Spinette is either very busy or very lazy and she hasn’t done it. (Just like the 100 Follower Q&A special.)

Note: I’m not saying that using paperclips for the things on this list would be effective, efficient, or even successful. Just that you could. And also, sometimes, the paperclips are not average paperclips. They could be giant or super strong or whatnot.

A Long List of Uses for Paperclips

  1. To hold papers together (obviously)
  2. earrings
  3. solder replacement
  4. fishing hook
  5. fish-feeding device
  6. hair tie
  7. makeshift hair tie (Don’t ask why those are separate. I wrote this like two months ago.)
  8. A writing device if you were to dip it in ink
  9. an eating utensil
  10. weave them into a basket
  11. conduct electricity
  12. a weapon
  13. a toothpick
  14. hair accessory (This is different from hair tie.)
  15. needle
  16. clasp
  17. button
  18. zipper hook
  19. retrieval device (Retrieval of what I don’t know.)
  20. carving tool
  21. make a sculpture out of them
  22. source of metal to make a thimble
  23. a tightrope
  24. rope
  25. a noose
  26. necklace
  27. bracelet (I’m surprised this and necklace were so far down the list.)
  28. a bridge
  29. grappling hook
  30. choking device
  31. lockpick
  32. makeshift knife
  33. a microphone for a stuffed animal
  34. pretend barbershop-scissors
  35. unicorn-horn replacement
  36. They could be a method of communication if you folded paperclips into letters.
  37. If it was giant, you could use it to build an amusement park ride
  38. architecture models
  39. chandelier
  40. use it to poke holes in eggshells
  41. tweezers
  42. pick out gunk from crevices (by “crevice” I meant the spaces in a keyboard and such)
  43. decorations
  44. those things vining plants climb
  45. back scratcher
  46. a cage
  47. handcuffs
  48. keys
  49. traps for insects
  50. stirring device for baking
  51. gauging cardboard
  52. weed puller
  53. crabapple plucker
  54. if it were giant, you could fence with it
  55. stilts
  56. a cane
  57. ice skates
  58. use it to cut ice
  59. If it were giant, you could make a chair
  60. a candle holder
  61. A mini Christmas tree
  62. A Christmas ornament
  63. hold pom pom balls together
  64. carve soap
  65. an amusement park for ants
  66. an ant jungle gym
  67. an ant playground
  68. a mini drumstick
  69. a button presser
  70. nail polish applier
  71. a clay carver
  72. a painting device
  73. a swing set
  74. a replacement for Barrel of Monkeys
  75. a button pressor (Ignore the fact that this was on here twice.)
  76. Cut thread
  77. a phone stand
  78. make a metal web 😉
  79. bed frame
  80. axel for wheels
  81. pop bubbles
  82. pop tires
  83. a bookmark
  84. a breaker of glass
  85. a push-pin
  86. a hinge replacement
  87. a staple replacement
  88. a stick for holding cotton candy
  89. a stick for holding a lollipop
  90. a mini imitation trombone
  91. an orange peeler
  92. use it to write in sand
  93. use it to write in mud
  94. a screwdriver
  95. pry things open
  96. a nail filer
  97. a chalk board-scratcher
  98. a magnet attractor
  99. a pranking material
  100. keep shoelaces separate
  101. a button pressor specifically for keyboards
  102. an engraver
  103. soap carving (Again, ignore the fact that this is the second time I mentioned soap-carving.)
  104. a balsa wood-cutter
  105. a whittler
  106. a mini flute
  107. a lock-jammer
  108. a gum holder
  109. a ring holder
  110. a glove folder
  111. a plant poker
  112. a hook
  113. a nail polisher (another repeat that should be ignored)
  114. glue applier
  115. use it to press those little restart buttons (This is what? The fourth time I’m mentioned buttons?)
  116. a mini imitation flute (another repeat)
  117. a relative of the laser pointer (I bet a paperclip and a laser pointer would have a lot of fun at their family reunion.)
  118. A walking stick for a doll
  119. a mini coat hanger
  120. use it to make indentations in tinfoil
  121. use it to make indentations in an eraser
  122. scratch chalkboards without that weird feeling on your fingernails (another repeat. *Sigh*)
  123. Get dust out of space between letter on keyboard
  124. hold beads
  125. make a brooch
  126. carve your name in a tree
  127. poke holes in a styrofoam cup to make a makeshift watering can
  128. poke holes in eggs to extract eggs yolks (apologies for the repeats)
  129. stir Jello-O
  130. descale fish
  131. skin small furry animals
  132. use it to make a spit (I am a vegetarian)
  133. Make a shish kebab!
  134. unmortar bricks
  135. play a washboard (I don’t think I even know what this means)
  136. play the xylophone
  137. Make indentations in paper that can later be shaded over to form the means of a secret code

Picky Eaters

I am a picky eater. I admit it.

Who wouldn’t want to admit it? I’m being way more cautious with my food! By pushing broccoli off the side of my plate as well as sending everything else on that plate besides the cheesecake into the trash, I’m preventing myself from getting food poisoning. Just think about it— if you are in someone else’s house, especially someone you don’t know and see something questionable on your plate would you eat it? Would you eat that green-brown ewwy gooey slop?

I hope that is a no. (If you are one of the rare people who said yes, you must be a very dedicated mine digger!)

For picky eaters, most food is this ewwy gooey slop. Almost for all people, there is a gooey slop food, whether it be shrimp, to veggies, to chocolate. The only food I haven’t seen such a sloppy hatred for is mid -sugar level cereal, like Cheerios. (Let’s get real, everyone has a mini crush on that hot bee dude in the commercials, right? Just me?) Anyway, everyone has that type of food, unless you are a pig. That type of food for me is basically everything that is not healthy, such as veggies and some (a lot) fruits. I enjoy foods that are less of actual nutrients and more of these somethings called calories and sugar. How I don’t get diabetes astounds me.

Maybe, it’s just my digestive system. I’m like a plant— I get all my nutrients from the computer light. It sends me into the process of photosynthesis, but as I miraculously get nutrients, I digest all the junk in my body. This is how I prevented myself from the terrible fate of death.

Perhaps all people like me go through this process. Which means if that you don’t get diabetes and you eat nothing but sugar you are probably an advanced type of human species. And not a complete slob.

So if you are a cranky child who cannot eat Brussels Sprouts, show this to your parents. They’ll be convinced that you are actually a superhero, even if you don’t eat veggies! We are a superior race of human!

sretae ykcip ,dlrow eht revo ekat s’tel

 

Spinette’s School Stresses

Miss me? No?

I know you do and I know you are clawing your eyes out, wondering, when I will come back (Besides mellow yellows). Did you think I was dead?

Let me tell you about a time where I was really dead on the inside, for a should-be-simple-school- group-project. For those who are wondering, this was a group project much like science fair that required two to three meetings. It was done on trifold boards with pictures of various things about a country assigned to us, and was solely based on the holiday season. On the day we were let out for Christmas Break, we would present and pass out homemade foods to the whole school. How jolly!

Well, to be honest, I was dead for quite a while before this. I was plagued with the illness of writer’s block, then sent to the fire to burn with this certain project in my life. It’s was called WHATW or Whatever Horseradish Anticipates To Wed. Of course, being a bridesmaid (leader) and all, I had to do a lot of things for this project, as I couldn’t let my ego hang up to dry after being soaked in shame. Right?

But there were some complications, as all projects do have sometimes. Nobody expects a perfect end result, but this thing—oh, it was just freckled with terrible outcomes! As I didn’t say, this was supposed to be a group project, but mostly it was all just me and a teensy bitsy little guy who could actually twiddle his fingers. For some reason, he was probably the guy who kept me from losing all my sanity. He was the only one who actually gave me something to put on the board.

One time in this particular project, we had to print pictures. A responsible-looking gentleman said: “May I take the task of printing the pictures? I have a color printer at home.” As a proper leader, I said, “Yes you may,” then emailed sternly after our meeting was over. “Get it to me before the next time we meet.” (Which was in two weeks may I add). He responded with, “cool.”

So I waited. In the meantime, I was preparing for Christmas too, smiling at a bunch of different holiday weddings (this was not part of the project). Procrastination and basically being too busy with the holiday weekend stuff held me back by a million miles.

I was also working on a another little project I like to call The Fleekness of Eyebrows. It was a fun-filled writing diary that I had complete control over, unlike the horseradish thing. As a writer, I obsessed over it and gave birth to a new child. In my pathetic defense for not writing blog posts, let me just say, it took some labor.

Nearing the end of the two weeks I was starting to get worried about the gentleman. He didn’t give me his pictures yet! Was he sick? Did he get injured? Was he dead? Frantically, I emailed him, wondering if the simple task of printing pictures has worked him to death. I asked, “Are you done with printing the pictures?” Not a single response came from him.

Soon, the next meeting rolled around. Flustered, I came in a bit late, almost crying when I saw a haphazard stack of colorful paper. IT WAS THE PICTURES. The gentleman was alive, stroking a piece paper with a nice layer of glue. I couldn’t believe it! He was alive! The pictures were right here!

Then I noticed a huge flaw. The pictures were printed on the front and back, so we couldn’t cut it out.

BLOBFISH!

To make a long story short, that’s how I was for the rest of the project.

 

 

 

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 12: Cake

Back from the store, TICK and TOCK are baking a cake since they got outlawed from The Store of All Your Specific Wedding Needs.They are in MASTER’S office.

TICK: I’ve never baked a cake before. Have you, Tock?

TOCK: Does it look like I’ve baked a cake before? Of course not, you dummy!

Tears well up in TICK’S eyes

TOCK: I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it. Can you forgive me?

TICK is snoring

TOCK puts a bread crust in her ear

TICK: IREJOWt h oeruu h o uOW4uyeo 5ry9hfa;du ypr948p yoSHOpwej riop  j0weu p

TOCK: WE NEED TO BAKE THIS CAKE!

TICK (in that weird time where you are tired and can’t decipher fantasy from reality): OOOOHOOh lets make a cooking show liek Maswter!

KYR: (Providing subtitles) Ooooh! Let’s make a cooking show like Master! (Turns on the camera)

TOCK: So, first, to make the perfect cake, we need two pounds of sulfur and three chickens!

TICK: AMEK SURE the Chicken isa FREEEEESh!

KYR is still providing subtitles

TOCK: We mix it together, making sure that the chickens stop clucking and that the batter is nice and smooth.

TICK: SSSSSMMMMOOOOOOOTTTTHHHHH! (plays with TOCK’S hair)

TOCK: Then we put it in the freezer for about 40 minutes.

TICK: (hums Jeopardy theme song, but then stops) Hey, can you be the comedic relief for a second I want to do this part!

TICK: Okay… if you say so, Daddy!

TICK is sleeping

The cake explodes within the fridge, creating an element similar to TICK’S hair

ZHAN (descending from the clouds): YES!

MANAGER OPPA: IT’S PERFECT! (Coming flying in with the snowy egret)

TICK and TOCK: OLD MAN! (runs toward MANAGER OPPA)

ZHAN has a look of jealousy on his face, but TOCK realizes this and comes back to him.

ZHAN (smiling): Mommy!

TOCK: (slaps him in the face) Only Tick and Bread Snadwhich can call me that! (slaps him again)

ZHAN (Suddenly normal like the piece of cement he usually is): Can I at least have the element?

TICK (sitting on top of MANAGER OPPA’S head, wearing his glasses): No. That’s saved for Manager Oppa!

ZHAN glares at his new rival.

JOHN imagines ZHAN’S glare intensified by a thousand.

~~~END

The F-Word

I’m planning to write another post eventually on swear words in general, so this is sort of like an appetizer.

This is a story of the first (and only) time I’ve said the f-word.

But before we get to that, I’d like to talk about this tongue twister. (“Mother Pheasant Plucker”. You can imagine how well that goes. I am scared to even attempt it.) I have an acquaintance who introduced me to this song and she has managed to perfect this twisty tongue twister, but whenever she sings it, I get very nervous.

So on to the story.

When I was in second grade, I, like any other sane second grader, loved Kidz Bop and one day dreamed being among their ranks of singers. I remember that I bought Kidz Bop 19 at one point, but that was the only album of theirs that I bought or listened to. But even without having heard a majority of their unoriginal songs, I knew that I adored them.

I also thought that all the songs that they chose to sing were curse word-free.

I was watching TV one day, as I did on the majority of days, and I happened to come across one of Kidz Bop’s advertisements, in which they sang a clip of a song, Starship.

I immediately adored this song.

As a second grader, I knew that some songs had swear words and were not appropriate for second graders like myself. But my new favorite song (I know, I had bad taste back then) had been sung by Kidz Bop, right? So it didn’t have any bad words, right?

Well, when I was in second grade, I knew of the existence of bad words. I didn’t know what they were.

My Vocabulary of Curse Words

Stupid

Hate

Heck

Whatever

 

So I looked up the lyric video on Youtube and set to work on learning the song. I was quite confused when I saw that they hadn’t finished a word and instead had “f” and a bunch of asterisks. I thought that the person who made the lyric video hadn’t been able to hear the word properly and had given up. But I was not like this person. I was persistent. So I listened hard and figured out what the word was.

I had learned the entire song, even the rap parts, and I was very proud of myself. (This song is by Nicki Minaj, may I add.)

I was ready to go to the next level.

I performed the song for my father.

F-word and all.

I wasn’t allowed to watch Youtube for a month.

 

P.S. In the Kidz Bop version, the word is replaced with “We’re Kidz Bop and we’re taking over.”

What are they taking over?

(Not) Brushing Your Hair

When I was little, I absolutely detested (and rarely) brushed my hair. It was so painful. Like stabbing porcupines into your skull. (I had the fine-toothed combs.) I was (and am) one to favor comfort over fanciness, so I never brushed my hair. Maybe once a month if it was a lucky one.

I didn’t like it when my mother brushed my hair for me because it always hurt more so than if I were to brush my own hair. Therefore, when I was forced by my mother to brush my hair, I would pick the lesser of the two evils and brush my own hair.

But I never did it well enough. I never really tried. So it always looked the same before and after I brushed it and my mother would insist that she do it again herself.

I never did well enough because “brushing hair well=pain,” so I shirked my brushing duties and usually only brushed the top layer of my hair.

So I thought of a new idea to get rid of the accursed knots in my hair.

I would brush my hair myself, and whenever I came across a knot, I cut it out.

Eventually, I did learn to like brushing my hair.

In fact, I loved it.

This sudden change in attitude to hair-brushing was due to a very special brush. It came in a craft kit and it was a little compact brush that you could put sequins on. AND THIS BRUSH DIDN’T HURT!

I was mystified. I was entranced. I was lost in the magical depths of this hairbrush.

I would spend all my waking hours brushing my hair until it was really soft and shiny and people commented, “How lovely. I wish I could have hair as lustrous as yours. What shampoo are you using?”. (I didn’t use shampoo that often.)

But this time of ignorant bliss was coming to a close.

We went on vacation.

I was in the bathroom, brushing my hair when the brush flew out of my hand and fell into the toilet.

That Thing: Repeated Words

Does that thing ever happen you when you repeat one word over and over and over and over again and it starts to lose all meaning and it becomes just a sound or shape?

Here’s a demonstration:

grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque

 

yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty

 

lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely

Mellow Yellow Episode 11: Preparations

TICK, TOCK, QUINN, MASTER, and LENA are at the store looking for the perfect wedding dress for BREAD SNADWHICH.

TICK: How about this one? (Holds up a wedding gown)

TOCK: Nah. We need a bread sized one, remember? (Looks over shoulder when there is no response)

TICK is curled up on the dress while the ATTENDANT is trying to pull it from under her body.

TOCK: TICK! WAKE UP!

ATTENDANT: You guys are an odd bunch of people…

***

MASTER (just coming out from the bathroom): WOW! THAT WAS GREAT! I FEEL SO RELIEVED! THE AUTHOR USUALLY NEVER LETS ME DO THIS!

Everyone in the store looks at him

MASTER: Whoops…

ATTENDANT (Running up, aggravated): CAN YOU GET YOUR DAUGHTER TO GET OFF THAT DRESS! IT’S A MILLION DOLLARS AND SHE’S DROOLING ON IT!

MASTER: Actually miss, she isn’t my daughter but she is my ex-wife’s father.

ATTENDANT: Can you just get him off!

MASTER: She’s a “her”.

KYR (Crashing through the ceiling): That’s right, ma’am. Please get your grammar right next time!

JOHN (Popping out of a wedding dress): You just came out of the ceiling! So, What’s Up?

MASTER walks away with the freaked-out store ATTENDANT, leaving KYR to deal with JOHN’S sudden appearance in his underwear

***

The CLOCK DUO arrive at the scene

TICK, who is still asleep, is surrounded by mysterious circles created by a purple marker, blood-scented candles, and breadcrumbs. TOCK has a jug of iced milk, ready to pour.

ATTENDANT: AHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

QUINN (to his fiance): This wedding dress is not as beautiful as you! (to others)  AND WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

(I resist to put an awesome pun I’ve created because it sounds quite weird and many people would advise against it)   

TICK: A demonic exorcism, is all! (Pours the iced milk)

ATTENDANT: GET OUT OF THIS STORE!

A snowy egret comes and carries them all out of the store

MASTER is still shopping for french baguette hat, without gluten

ATTENDANT: YOU TOO!

LENA: What about me?

ATTENDANT: YOU ALSO!

LENA: No, I was talking to the author. She didn’t include me at all, even when I was in the store! John and Kyr were dropped in and they weren’t even in the store in the first place!

ATTENDANT: Well this is my last episode and the audience doesn’t even know my name! (cries a waterfall on the dress) And be thankful for your appearances in these things. You might be very important later!

LENA (waving): Bye, Attendant!

QUINN (to LENA: Guess what?

LENA: What?

Quinn: I got you a dress! (Holds up the salty dress drenched in watered-down milk)

~~~END

(JOHN and KYR are playing rock-paper-scissors after being abandoned in the store, if you were wondering. They are hiding under a wedding dress as the ceiling is about to come crashing down.)  

Unique Ways to Describe Me (Tag)

I have been tagged to complete this lovely tag by my tagger, Disgrace27 (taggity tag tag tag).

Let us proceed!

Rules

Thank the blogger who nominated you
Link to the original post
Answer the questions
Tag at least five people
Copy and paste the original questions for your nominees to answer

 

What two candies describe your personality? Why?

Hmm. I know what the candies are (chocolate and pop rocks). I still have to think of as to why…

Pop rocks: I will explode when exposed to saliva.

Caramel: I am sticky (in a figurative way).

 

You can only answer in song lyrics. What’s one thing you want others to know about you?

I’m probably going to think of something great in a couple hours. Right now, the only thing going through my head is “I like the smell of gasoline” from Play With Fire by Sam Tinnesz, but that doesn’t apply to me.

Maybe “Keep your silver, give me that gold” from Unstoppable by The Score (everyone has to listen to this song.)

 

What movie that is literally your life?

There’s no movie that’s literally my life as I am not an actor or a character.

It doesn’t apply figuratively either.

 

What season describes your view of life?

My view is pretty pessimistic, so probably autumn because of all the dead leaves. But autumn is my favorite season and I don’t want to relate it to negativity.

Maybe spring then. I despise spring.

 

What scent holds memories for you?

Any scent? Different scents hold different memories. (Random fact about me: I can identify a whole slew of things by scent.)

Maybe chocolate or coffee. They scream fifth-grade.

 

Let’s say that every blogger on WordPress has been tagged. That’s more than five, right?

Football: Some Random Thoughts

I am very clearly not an athletic person. The only game I can somewhat play almost decently is tennis, but I dislike playing tennis, and the only sports game I watched was hockey. But I only watched hockey twice, and it wasn’t really of my own free will.

So being generally unathletic, I tend to look at sports differently than athletic people, which brings us to our question of the day: Why is a football called a football?

First, let us consider the first part of this compound word: foot.

Even with my limited knowledge of sports, I know that footballs are usually carried or thrown, and things that are carried or thrown by humans are usually carried or thrown by the hands, not the feet.

But we shall let this part of the word slide because footballs are occasionally hit by the foot (aka “kicked”) when a player is attempting to launch the football in a parabolic arc through the tuning fork-shaped apparatus.

So the “foot” part of “football” has been considered acceptable, although it is not the ideal choice of word. The most troublesome part of the word is “ball,” anyway.

According to Dictionary.com, a ball is “a spherical or approximately spherical body or shape; sphere.”

A football is clearly not a sphere.

It’s shaped more like a lemon.

Let’s all call it a footlemon!

P.S. That looks like foo-tulle-mon, but it is pronounced foot-le-mon.

Mellow Yellow Episode 10: Tricky Relations

LENA: Wait a second…

Everyone looks at her attentively

LENA (To QUINN in horror): If you’re marrying Bread Snadwich… and Bread Snadwich is Dad’s ex-wife, which means she’s my stepmom… then you’re my soon-to-be stepdad!

JOHN laughs

LENA (in a whiny voice): But I’m older than you!

QUINN (grinning): That means I’m the boss of you, soon-to-be stepdaughter, and I order you go to the wedding wearing a very fancy dress. The fanciest, itchiest, heaviest dress I can find, in fact. You’ll only be second to my darling fiance.

JOHN laughs harder. Only ARA can keep a straight face.

LENA (grumbling): @#$!

 

~~~END