How to Get Out of a Pickle (ex: How to Open a Jar)

Are you stuck in a sticky situation? Well, Auntie Spin’s here to help you!

First, try to identify ze problem. Say the lid is stuck on a jar. What’s the problem? Is it the jar or the sticky lid? Also, make sure you identify the scent of the problem as well. If you don’t have a strong nose or for some mysterious reason don’t have one, you can always turn off the lights and find the little pickled demons hiding out. They usually are fluorescent purple.

Once you identified the problem which is (spoilers) obviously the jar, eliminate it. Destroy it. LET IT DIE. Don’t let it stay in your consciousness to rot and throw it away.

At the end of this step the jar should be broken or in other words, the pickle should explode.

Also, after you work your way through the first problem of a jar being rebellious, shards of glass may litter the floor. Practice your problem-solving skills and pick up the glass, or even better, smash it into smaller pieces.

At this point, your hands might be covered in blood. But look at it positively! Use it as an opportunity to redo the second step; elimination. Wash your hands thoroughly with lots of soap and keep on doing so even if it stings.

After this, you just may feel a sharp sensation under your feet. This is the perfect opportunity to identify the problem! Turn off the lights and look for the pickled demons. If they turn up, try using a conveniently placed missile to take it down.

Your house may come down with it, but at least you solved the problem, right?

Solving All Your Stupid Problems Part 2

You are a cheese hater of the greatest proportion. Excluding lactose-intolerant people, you must hate cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Your twin brother, on the other hand, loves cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Over the years, your extremely differing views on cheese have led to a growing rift between you and your twin and you are now feuding, as you have been for the last 3¾ years. One night, you go to sleep peacefully, safe in the knowledge that your loyal guard of 3½ years is protecting you and preventing anyone from entering your room while you lay vulnerable and unconscious in your bed. But, beyond the boundary of your knowledge, your brother infiltrated your circle of guards three-and-a-half years ago with his trusted friend, Kevin, and tonight is the night that they plan to act and finally end this feud.

When you are sleeping deeply and snoring loud enough to cover any sound a squeaky wheelbarrow may make, Kevin quietly opens the previously-oiled door and rolls in a rusty, squeaky wheelbarrow full of cheese. He surreptitiously pours the cheese over you like Mount Vesuvius surreptitiously poured ashes over Pompeii and Kevin tiptoes out of the room, leaving the wheelbarrow.

You, being a deep sleeper, don’t wake because of the cheese. But you do wake up because you had an unsettling nightmare of being buried alive in bat guano.

There is no simple solution to this simple problem. But, some (not your brother) would say “fortunately”, there is a complicated one. Fortunately, it isn’t too difficult if you hold tight to your wits. This is assuming you had any wits in the first place, of course.

I suppose one could simply dig through cheese, but there’s no thrill in that.

• Using cheddar, provolone, and your nightcap, create a time-traveling device.
  • If you aren’t of the scientific prowess to achieve this, use pale-colored cheese to create a genie lamp. Rub the lamp and ask the genie for a time-travel device. This should result in the same results, but it’s not preferable because no one likes to deal with fussy cheese genies.
• Use the time-travel device, however obtained, to travel back in time to when Kevin had just finished putting the cheese in the wheelbarrow.
• Dispose of the traitor Kevin however you wish, but do it quietly, for word cannot get back to your brother that his plan has been foiled.
• Dispose of the monstrous cheese as well. I recommend throwing it into a volcano. Cheese deserves no better.
• Dispose of your monstrous, cheese-loving brother. I recommend throwing him into a volcano.

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You are a brand new lifeguard, fresh from the assembly line. You’re not yet familiar with the tricks of the trade, but you make up what you lack with enthusiasm. Life has not yet had a chance to bring you down. You meticulously scan the beach for trouble, hoping in a place dark place of your mind you’d rather not acknowledge that something goes wrong and you can be a hero. With all your attention focused on the water, you don’t notice the curious seagull pecking around your lifeguard chair. Well, at least you don’t notice the seagull until it’s too late.

The seagull leaps into your lap in a flurry of feathers. You, in a state of shock, scream at a high frequency, scaring the seagull, who squawks back at you, frazzled, and scares you further, increasing the pitch of your scream.

The seagull finally gets fed up and hops off of your lap, but he takes your megaphone with him in his beak. The seagull waddles down the beach, the megaphone in tow. About ten yards down the beach from you, he stops and starts squawking into the megaphone. Everyone on the beach covers their ears, protecting themselves from the seagull’s horrible yodeling. You are at a loss of what to do. You’re somewhat terrified of birds, but you’d never admit it, so you need someone to help you. Someone who can either be trusted with your secret or is so oblivious to the world that they’d never figure out your secret without being explicitly told. You decide to go with the latter option and you call your cousin, a professional fisher who lives twenty minutes away.

• Call your cousin, who happens to be a professional fisher and lives nearby.
• Wait for your cousin to arrive. Warily watch the seagull while doing so.
• Order your cousin to catch a fish. This shouldn’t take long as she’s a professional, right?

2 HOURS LATER

• Most of the beach-goers have left the beach due to the incessant squawking. Your cousin finally catches a fish.
• Take the fish from your cousin.
• Dangling the fish on the fishing rod, lure the seagull away from the beach so the beach-goers can return.
• Make a deal with the human-language speaking seagull to trade the fish for the megaphone.

Assuming the seagull agrees to your fair deal, your problem is solved! If the seagull has become too attached to the megaphone and refuses to trade it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.

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Read more: Solving all Your Stupid Problems Part 1

The Wrong Way to Wave

There is only one successful way to wave. You wave at Target Person and Target Person waves back. Your mission is complete. Congratulations.

Unfortunately, there are a lot more ways to fail spectacularly at waving. Fortunately, these failures are often quite amusing (for unattached observers. Definitely not amusing for all parties involved. Mortifying for them).

1. When you think someone’s waving at you, but they’re actually waving at the person behind you.
   • You were having an awful day (You spilled orange juice all over your jeans, and no matter where you go, people kept asking if you peed your pants), but the cheerful wave from your acquaintance turned your day around. At least someone is happy to see you. You excitedly start to wave back when you notice that your acquaintance is looking at their friend, who is behind you and waving nonchalantly. They also have dry pants. You awkwardly put your hand in your hair like that’s what you meant to do the entire time.
2. When you think that someone is waving at the person behind you, but they are actually waving at you.
   • You are walking down the hall, deep in thought, when you see an acquaintance of yours in your peripheral vision waving vigorously. As you have low self-esteem, you conclude that no sane person would purposefully wave at you and they must be waving at the person behind you. Having reached this conclusion, you dutifully ignore you acquaintance, allowing the person behind you freely wave without a doubt as to whether they are being waved at. As you continue down the hall, you see your acquaintance’s face fall and they burst into tears. You surreptitiously glance behind you. Did the Target Person not see you acquaintance waving? The hallway is empty. They were waving at you. They are now weeping excessively because of you and now you are weeping excessively because of how guilty you are.
3. When you wave at someone, but the person behind them waves at you.
   • You are walking down the hall when you see one of your friends. You wave enthusiastically, but they are reading and walking (which is inadvisable) and they don’t see you. A distant acquaintance (you went to kindergarten together, but you haven’t spoken since, although you do acknowledge each other’s existence occasionally), on the other hand, does see you and is waving back at you. Instinctively, you awkwardly wave again, a grimace on your face because of your hand’s betrayal.
4. When you wave at someone, but they don’t see you.
   • You are walking down the hall when you see one of your friends. You wave enthusiastically, but they are reading and walking (which is inadvisable) and they don’t see you. You awkwardly put your hand in your hair like that’s what you meant to do the entire time.
5. When you pretend to wave at someone so people don’t think you’re lonely.
   • This one really doesn’t need an explanation.

Solving all Your Stupid Problems

I’m sure all of these problems have graced you, dear reader. You wouldn’t believe it, but they’re quite common, really. You’re just sitting there thinking that all your problems are unique because you are a unique and special human bean with your own unique and special set of problems. But nope. Everyone else deals with them, too. You are completely generic. But they won’t anymore, because I’m about to solve all your stupid problems!

Lettuce, begin the drumroll!

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You get gum stuck in your hair, but there are no worries. As good ole grandma used to say, “Peanut butter will get gum out of your hair, your pet’s hair, your cactus’s wig. And then you won’t have to become prematurely bald!”

But Grandma never considered what happens after you get the gum out of your hair. What happens when the peanut butter gets stuck?!

The answer is simple.

Become prematurely bald.

Go outside and grab a squirrel. Make sure it doesn’t have rabies! (Rabies are bad, in case you didn’t know.) If squirrels aren’t available, other small, peanut-butter-loving animals are good substitutes.

Set the squirrel in your hair and watch it work its magic.

You are a lover of pickles. (These kinds of people are strange. Dear readers, I know that you are not pickle-lovers, because I like you, so a word of advice from author to reader: Don’t associate with pickle-lovers.) You are such an enthusiast of pickles, that you decide to use your life savings to buy a ticket to Pickle World, the pickle-themed amusement park in L.A. (L.A. is also strange. Do not associate with people from L.A. I mean, those L.A.-ians decided to build a pickle-themed amusement park. Couldn’t they have at least gone with cucumbers?)

At Pickle World, they have giant jars full of giant mutant pickles. Trust me, pickle-lovers love giant pickles and will willingly swim with them, despite the fact that the vinegar will make their skin all pruney and will make them smell awful for weeks.

But sometimes, accidents happen.

Sometimes, people get stuck inside pickles. (Don’t ask me what they were doing. I told you, pickle-lovers are insane.)

But there is an easy solution to this, excuse me for the pun, pickle, as well. But I’m sure you readers won’t need it, since you are not of the pickle-loving breed.

Simply ask a trusted acquaintance to pull you and the pickle out of the jar. You will see that in minutes, no seconds, the pickle will be devoured by ravenous pickle-lovers and you will remain magically unscathed. Pickle-lovers are insane, but they’re not cannibals.

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I hoped that I have solved some of your (many) problems. And don’t worry if you have problems that haven’t been addressed in this short post. There will be more parts.

Caring for Your Unicorn Master

TheWebWeavers is actually our second blog. Both Spinette and I had our own individual “first blogs” that didn’t really work. They were both unicorn-based. (This was not planned. We just both love unicorns). My blog, Unicornia, was a guide for the measly human attempting to move to Unicornia. Spinette’s blog, Unicorn Sightings, was about all things unicorn. Unicornia had three followers (two of which were Spinette and me) and Unicorn Sightings had seven (two of which were Spinette and me).

Both of these blogs still exist on the internet, but they haven’t been active for ages. I think the reason that they didn’t work was that the topics were too restrictive and it wasn’t interesting to write on over and over again. TheWebWeavers is a lot more fun because we can write about whatever we want.

However, despite being inactive, the posts on the blogs are still somewhat funny (especially Spinette’s) so they will be reshared on TheWebWeavers for everyone to read and judge. You can also determine how much we’ve improved. 😉

Here’s the second segment of the Unicornia Series, Caring for Your Unicorn Master. It was originally published on November 19, 2016.

 

Growing your unicorn is not the end of the long and tedious process of entering Unicornia. You must also care for your unicorn so they will accept you as their life-long faithful servant and follower.

When you have warmed the Magical Kernel with the bottled purple dragon breath, it will pop into a baby unicorn, similar to the way Ordinary Kernels pop into the delicious treat known as “popcorn”.

Since unicorns are the perfect creatures, they expect their servants to be perfect too. Unicorns live on a diet of chocolate, candy, and fruit. You must feed your Unicorn Master four meals a day. They normally eat about five pounds of food a meal. You must use chocolate, candy, and fruit to make creative meals every day. Unicorns are picky eaters and if you want them to accept you, you must give them good food to eat (organic, nutritious, sustainably-sourced, low calorie, etc.). Something you never want is a hungry unicorn. They will eat anything and everything. Including you.

Unicorns don’t sleep very well on Earth, so be prepared to wake up in the middle of the night (Unicorns’ sleeping patterns are similar to that of a fidgety newborn baby). Give your Unicorn Master a spacious bedroom with a lakeside view. Always tell them a bedtime story. They love stories in which unicorns are the heroes.

Even though Unicorns don’t wear clothes, they like to have a full closet. Buy your Unicorn Master lots of colorful clothing they can hang up and organize.

Every unicorn is different and they have different preferences. Get to know your Unicorn Master and eat, sleep, and breathe their likes and dislikes so you know how to care for your Unicorn Master.

Caring for your Unicorn Master is a difficult task. They expect you to be perfect at all times. There is never time for rest. If your unicorn likes and accepts you, once they get older, they will take you with them to Unicornia. In Unicornia, they will build a beautiful house for themselves and permit you to live in the stables.

Growing a Unicorn Master

Hey, peeps! You hopefully may have noticed my absence over the past week or so. This was due to my corner of the world exploding. Over the past week, I met a Holocaust Survivor (she is so sweet), participated in a Science Olympiad tournament (I won two medals!), and skinned a rat (I would post pictures, but I feel like that would be too gory for this blog).

So, you may or may not know, but TheWebWeavers is our second blog. Both Spinette and I had our own individual “first blogs” that didn’t really work. They were both unicorn-based. (This was not planned. We just both love unicorns). My blog, Unicornia, was a guide for the measly human attempting to move to Unicornia. Spinette’s blog, Unicorn Sightings, was about all things unicorn. Unicornia had three followers (two of which were Spinette and me) and Unicorn Sightings had seven (two of which were Spinette and me).

Both of these blogs still exist on the internet, but they haven’t been active in ages. I think the reason that they didn’t work was that the topics were too restrictive and it wasn’t interesting to write on over and over again. TheWebWeavers is a lot more fun because we can write about whatever we want.

However, despite being inactive, the posts on the blogs are still somewhat funny (especially Spinette’s) so they will be reshared on TheWebWeavers for everyone to read and judge. You can also determine how much we’ve improved. 😉

Here’s the first segment of the Unicornia Series, Growing a Unicorn Master. It was originally published on November 18, 2016.

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Before you escape to Unicornia from this wretched world, you must know about their world. Unicorns are born from magical kernels of corn. Every corn stalk has the potential of growing a unicorn if it is cared for the right way.

Many people try to grow a unicorn before going to Unicornia. If you have a Unicorn Master, you will be more respected in your new home, and the elders will be more likely to accept you.

Growing and caring for a Unicorn Master is no easy task. Many people have tried and lost their lives in the process, but it is worth it because your amazing life in Unicornia will be much better than your boring and dull life here.

The first step in growing a Unicorn Master is finding the perfect corn seed to plant. This one of the most difficult things you will have to do. If you choose the right one, you will soon have a Unicorn Master to guide you in your new life. If you choose wrong, you may lose everything. Unicorn Kernels must be warmed by the bottled breath of a purple dragon to pop into a baby unicorn. If an Ordinary Kernel is popped by the bottled breath of a purple dragon, it will grow into a dark donkey and devour you.

The perfect corn seed is difficult to find. There is only one perfect corn seed in 4,538,862 ordinary corn seeds. The perfect one will glow a light pink in the light of an Alaskan sunrise. Always check to see if you have the right corn seed! Many brave and courageous people have lost their lives because they didn’t notice that their corn seed was glowing magenta instead of pink.

Once you have found the magical seed, grow it and nurture it. Soon the corn plant will grow. The Pink Kernel is the magic one. Heat it with the breath of a purple dragon and it will become your Unicorn Master!

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Do you have any topics that you want us to talk about in a post? Leave a suggestion in the comments.

Ask TheWebWeavers #1 || The Spider Squisher

Welcome one, welcome all, to our brand new advice column, Ask TheWebWeavers!

Our first question is from mainepaperpusher. This one is hypothetical.

Dear WebWeavers, Thank you for helping me with this problem. My boyfriend keeps telling me to squish spiders because he thinks they are creepy but I think they are good luck. What should I do?

I think that you should break up with your boyfriend immediately. Even if he is just suggesting that the spiders be squished and has not actually squished any spiders, even the thought of the act is despicable and cannot be forgiven.

But, I know that people tend to be attached to their boyfriends. So if you actually like him (I can’t imagine how someone would like a spider-squishing monster), you could attempt to educate him in the spider-loving path and if he succeeds, then your liking of him will be validated.

Most people’s instinct to squish spiders comes from the fear of spiders. Therefore, in order to eradicate this behavior, one much educate spider-squishers on the wonder that is spiders.

To do this, I recommend first showing him traditionally adorable pictures of spiders on the internet before progressing to actual pictures of spiders. Also, show him the magic of spider webs. After he can do this without screeching and/or flinching at the more hairy specimens, collect spider webs and have him touch or walk through them. After he can do this without screeching, you will reach the ultimate challenge. Have him hold spiders and gaze at their eight-legged beauty. Maybe take a selfie with the spiders. Have a painting session with the spider. Try multiple spiders.

Tolerance will come first. Acceptance will take time, but it can be achieved.

If your boyfriend can accept spiders as the graceful creatures that they are, you don’t necessarily have to break up with him. But it is recommended that you do.

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Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers using the Contact Page. Please specify if you want your letter to be anonymous. If you want the world to know who you are (otherwise known as this small corner of the internet), we’ll add a link to your blog to help spread the love.

How to Speak TXT (TXT=Text)

Text Speak is the magical language naturally spoken by Cell Phones and Teenagers. For Teenagers, Text Speak, or txt Speak, is intuitive and as soon as one turns 13, they find themselves starting to use it more than Normal English.

This guide is not for them. This guide is for the Beginner newly introduced to txting (texting). Those who are either children or have reached the age where they’ve started to forget the intricacies of texting.

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Once you have become fluent in Text Speak, you should start speaking it in real life, too. Do not limit this language to the Cell Phone. People around you will definitely appreciate you more, instead of laughing at the joke they spent months preparing, you say L-O-L. [Note: Always say each individual letter. Never say lol *shudders*]

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Text Speak usually occurs in one of two forms: acronyms or devowelization.

An acronym is when instead of saying/typing an entire phrase, you use the first letters of each of the words in the phrase to make a new word.

For example, LOL stands for Laugh Out Loud.

Super efficient, isn’t it?

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Devowelization is when you pull the vowels, which are completely unnecessary, out of a word. [Note: Ignore the fact that this makes the words impossible to pronounce.]

For example, TXT is “Text” without the “e”. [Note: Also ignore the fact that it take more syllables to say “T-X-T” than it does to say “text”]

Efficiency!

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Let’s practice translating acronyms.

FHRIIBIARAFNSHA

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Translation: Freddy’s hamster rolled in its ball into a river and Freddy never saw him again.

How did you do? Awesome, I’m sure. And wasn’t that so much more efficient? The number of letters was significantly reduced.

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Now let’s practice translating devowelized phrases.

thts wht frddys mm tld hm nywy. n rl lf, frddys mthr ws ntnsly rttd wth th hmstr, wh ppd n hr brnd nw shs nd sh drnd t n th rvr

***

Translation: That’s what Freddy’s mom told him anyway. In real life, Freddy’s mother was intensely irritated with the hamster, who pooped in her brand new shoes and she drowned it in the river.

Simple, right?

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Despite Text Speak becoming unnecessary with the eradication of flip phones, we should all continue to endorse it and use it continuously because it’s doesn’t use nearly as many letters as Normal English and is so much more efficient.

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TH ND

 

Surviving a Social Gathering

Dear nonexistent readers,

Due to the impending doom and sneaky approach of midterms, it seems as though the days have inexplicably shrunk.

Apologies to all who have been here long enough to have read this post before, but I will be reposting an old post.

Social Gatherings are horrible events that make me want to tear out Spinette’s hair stressful. Every so often, Spinette will force me to attend a Social Gathering. I think that she does it to assure people that I am not yet dead.

On the rare occasion on which I absolutely must attend a Social Gathering, I do my best to retain my sanity. I normally try to weasel my way out of them, but Spinette has learned most of my tricks. Once, on the day of a particularly dreadful Social Gathering, I poisoned myself, but Spinette still dragged me to that horrible child’s birthday party.

So, for those of you nonexistent readers who do not completely adore Social Gatherings, I have created a surefire guide to surviving (and hopefully avoiding) Social Gatherings following the colon:

Step 1: The best way to survive a Social Gathering is to not attend it in the first place. Make any and all excuses you must, but get out of it at any cost! If you fail this step, continue to Step 2, but if you succeed, congratulations, because you are done.

Step 2: If you have failed Step 1, then you will sadly have to attend the Social Gathering, but fear not, as it is most likely that you may be able to survive the night if you follow my steps word-for-word. At most Social Gatherings, people will attempt to approach you. Avoid this if possible. I’ve found the best way to do this is to immediately go the snack table upon arriving at the Social Gathering. Take a glass of fruit punch or other liquid from said snack table and go sit in a shadowy location that is out of the way. Glare at anyone who gets within glaring distance and do your best to look generally unfriendly. It is good to wear black (or dark, dark, dark gray if black is unavailable) to Social Gatherings to better blend into the shadows.

Step 3: If one unlucky soul happens to bypass your shadow-esque clothing, glares, and generally unfriendly aura, he or she might attempt to communicate with you. Be prepared for this! You do not want to be rude, as being rude is rude, so you can’t blatantly tell your visitor that you hate his or her presence and to go away (no matter how much you may want to) because that is rude. Bite your tongue if you must! I’ve found the best way to drive off people who wish to communicate with you is to tune out of the conversation. If you do not add anything to the conversation, they will (hopefully) eventually run out of things to say and leave you alone like you wanted in the first place. Give a vague nod now or then to give the sense that you are participating in the conversation. Personally, I find the best way to spend the time that your visitor is speaking is to imagine elaborate ways to murder your visitor. It always brings a smile to my face. If your visitor (unfortunately) happens to be one of those people who can hold one-sided conversations for hours, then it is alright to drift away when you feel it is necessary. I can assure you that this is still polite as otherwise your visitor may have been murdered.

Step 4: Leave the Social Gathering as soon as it is acceptable! (Unfortunately for me, it is only “acceptable” for me to leave the Social Gathering when Spinette does, so we are often the last two left.)

If you have survived this far, congratulations for surviving an entire (or partial) Social Gathering and doing so without dying or causing death!

 

Check out Spinette’s take on Social Gatherings @ Savoring a Social Gathering!