The Early Death of Our Advice Column (And How to Resurrect It)

Hello peeps! It is a sad occasion.

Unfortunately, our advice column, Ask TheWebWeavers, has died before it could grow up. There have been no questions to feed it and it has shriveled up.

Luckily, the corpse is still warm and it can be brought back with a little CPR and some questions.

Will you, dear reader, help save its life?

It only asks for questions. And the questions can be about absolutely anything. The world of curiosity and troubling problems is at your fingertips.

Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to us through our contact page or in the comments and all your problems will be solved.

Ask TheWebWeavers #1 || The Spider Squisher

Ask The Webweavers #2: Stuck Up Peeps

Ask TheWebWeavers #3 || The Chewer

The Awesome Blogger Award

Hey, nonexistent peeps! We were nominated for The Awesome Blogger Award by the amazing Jina S. Bazzar. Seriously, go check her out. Her posts are awesome.

1) Why did you start blogging?

I started my first blog, https://unicornia2016.wordpress.com/, because I was told to. It’s a guide to traveling to and living in Unicornia, but it’s dormant now.

Spinette started her first blog, https://unicornsightingsblog.wordpress.com/, for the same reason. (She’s the scribe for Ned the Narwhal, though, who doesn’t have fingers.)

My second blog was a book blog which has thankfully been removed from the internet. I started that one because I hated this one book so much and I just had to scream about it somewhere.

Both of these blogs only lasted a few weeks.

I have no idea why we started TheWebWeavers. It kind of just happened.

2) Do you choose the contents of your blog by random or do you have a system?

Obviously randomly. It’s kind of just whatever we want to talk about. (With the exception of Mellow Yellow every Sunday.)

3) Do you rather type the contents of your post on a keyboard – all ten fingers – or on a screen with thumbs?

I like my keyboard a lot. I can’t type as quickly on a tablet or phone and if I type slowly, I usually lose my train of thought, which would result in either a boring or choppy post that skips around. Imagine jokes where I’ve forgotten to add the punchline.

4) If technology was to become extinct but there was one thing that you could keep, what would it be?

I know I just said that I love my keyboard, but I’d probably keep my tablet because my laptop is pretty old and I can feel the last dregs of its life disappearing so I wouldn’t want to save its life from the doom that is the inevitable apocalypse for it to only break the next day.

5) Is there a type of blog that you seek to follow, or do you only follow those who follow you – or do you only follow the blogs that you really enjoy?

I only follow the blogs that I really enjoy because I try to read every post from the blogs that I do follow, and so I don’t follow all that many since the day only has a finite amount of time. I do try my best to read a couple posts from everyone that follows or likes on TheWebWeavers, though.

6) During a cold storm, would you rather spend your time reading, watching a movie or talking on the phone?

Reading, obviously. I spend all my free time reading anyway.

7) When you hear the word fantasy, what comes first to your mind?

Snowflakes and ash. Purple snowflakes and blue ash, to be more precise. No idea why. My minds a weird place.

8) Have you ever lied about having a commitment so you could stay at home lazing around or blogging, or just to finish reading a book you particularly enjoyed?

I will confess, I have claimed to have more homework than I actually do to get out of things. Not often.

I’m a rebel.

9) What’s a word you can’t stop using on your posts but think you should?

Lovely. I use it too much, not just on my posts, but everywhere. It’s my go-to adjective, but it makes me sound like an old-fashioned, stereotypical British dude.

10) If you were asked to rename your blog, what would you name it?

The Arachnid&Spinette Show

Arachnid&Spinette

The Art of Web Weaving

Unitato (Unicorn + Potato = Unitato)

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My Questions

1. What’s your favorite book?
2. Would you rather only wear fashion from the ’80s or medieval times?
3. What’s your favorite flavor?
4. Do you think that the plural of moose should be meese? (Goose -> Geese|Moose -> Meese)
5. Watching grass grow or watching paint dry?
6. Do you like kaleidoscopes?
7. How many constellations can you identify?
8. Is there light pollution where you live?
9. What kind of bird do you really want to see?
10. This question’s a freebie. Do whatever you want. Go crazy.

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I’m tagging…

1. Once Upon a Spine
2. Plot Monster
3. Smudged Thoughts

 

The Liebster Award!

Hello nonexistent readers!

We’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award by the lovely teaandbeesandthings. Do check out the blog. It’s wonderful and funny.

Ze Rules:

1. Acknowledge the blog who nominated you for this award.
2. Answer 11 questions the blogger gave you.
3. Give 11 random facts about yourself.
4. Nominate 11 blogs.
5. Notify them.
6. Give them 11 questions to answer.

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Why 11?

Anyway, on to the questions!

1. If you could say one thing to the you of 2028, what would you say?

Why only one thing? Why not a conversation? And what is considered a thing? Is it an entire conversation? A single word?

For the purposes of answering this question, I will assume that “thing” refers to a single piece of advice. But if so, wouldn’t it make more sense for my future self to give me advice? But doing so might change the future. Unless, of course, the future me also got advice from the future future me when she was young. But that means that I got advice from myself for an infinite number of times and that doesn’t make any sense because who would have given me the advice in the first place?

I would probably say, “Always and forever love mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

2. You have just won the billion dollar lottery. What is the first thing you do?

Scream, probably. In joy, not fear. Then I would buy a ton of trees and land and plant an enchanted forest. If you were wondering what the second or third, or even fourth, things would be, I would buy more books, go to Disney World, and donate to a charity that supports the environment. And buy chocolate.

3. What’s one thing you would change about yourself?

There’s not really much I would change about myself. I am already perfect. But, I do have black hair, and black hair absorbs a lot of heat in the summertime. With slight exaggeration, it gets hot enough to fry an egg. But I like my black hair, so I’d make it so black doesn’t absorb as much heat.

But really, that’s not changing something about myself, that’s more changing a property of the color black.

4. One thing you would never change about yourself?

My inability to sing because that means that (a) I appreciate other people’s songs better and (b) when I sing along to other people’s songs, it annoys my brother a lot.

5. What would you like your last words to be?

This is a rather morbid question.

“Mint chocolate chip has been my one true love.”

6. The best film you’ve ever seen? Why?

I don’t really watch that many movies. Currently, my favorite movie (I’m pretty sure “movie” and “film” are the same things) is Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I don’t know why. I just really like it. But the first time I watched it, I hadn’t read the Harry Potter series yet, so I had no idea what was going on and it was my favorite movie anyway.

7. What is one thing you will never get tired of talking about?

Either Six of Crows or Global Warming.

8. Which punctuation mark is your favorite? (Like, ‘!’, ‘.’, ‘?’, etc.)

My favorite punctuation mark is: the colon. I love: using them incorrectly.

They are also: a necessary aspect of emojis.

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9. A lie you’ve told someone?

I’m a bad liar.

😉

(I know I used a semi-colon there. *Sigh.* But colons sadly cannot be used to form winking emojis.)

10. Something you wish you knew before that you know now? (Essentially, what would you tell your past self?)

“Don’t waste your time being serious.”

11. You are in a blackened room. You cannot leave. A single spotlight shines on a metal table. A man in a rubber horse mask steps forward and places two things upon it: a lilac washable marker and a plastic, orange Mardi Gras bead necklace. Which one do you pick up? Why?

I probably wouldn’t pick up either. “Never take lilac washable markers or plastic, orange Mardi Gras bead necklaces from a man in a rubber horse mask” is a moral from a well-known cautionary tale that I live by.

But if forced to take one, my choice would depend on the horse-masked man.

If he is the antagonist of this story, then I would take the necklace because that’s a much better item to use as a weapon than the marker because it can be used as a choking device.

If he isn’t the antagonist, then I would take the marker because I generally dislike those beaded necklace things.

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11 Random Facts About Myself

1. My favorite bands are Imagine Dragons and The Score.
2. I have never tried coffee.
3. I like to draw.
4. If I were contemplating about starting a collection of some sort, I’d probably collect either chapsticks, spools of thread, or mugs with funny quotes.
5. I didn’t read Harry Potter until 2017.
6. I lack a favorite number or color, although I do prefer some over others.
7. I want to grow up to be The Supreme Leader of The Universe. (Everything would be better if everyone always listened to me, anyway.)
8. My least favorite motion is that of worms.
9. I suck at poetry.
10. I love Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.
11. The darker the chocolate, the better.

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11 Nominations

1. Jina S. Bazzar
2. It’s Just a Restless Feeling
3. Wallflower Wife
4. All ‘Bout Them Books and Stuff
5. Illuminati Gone Wild
6. Kelly | Another Book in the Wall
7. Noel White
8. Megha Bhargava
9. Sophia Ismaa Writes
10. haveyouevernoticedblog
11. Erik McManus | Breakeven Books

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11 Questions!

1. If you were suddenly given the power to create your own planet, what would it be like and what creatures would inhabit it?
2. You’ve created a new color and you can use other colors to describe it. What do you do? (Like, you can’t say “it’s blue-ish with a touch of yellow” or “it’s the color of sparkly dandelion fluff”)
3. Would you rather eat nothing but [insert most hated food item] for the rest of your existence or bathe only in mud for the rest of the year.
4. You are making a new signature perfume. What does it smell like?
5. You decide to invent a new writing utensil. What does it look like?
6. You want to plant a garden, but you are absolutely terrified of worms, what do you do?
7. You are at a concert. The band has slept in and missed their flight. Because of this, you are forced to sing on stage in front of a million raging fans, desperate to listen to their favorite band perform and they are stuck with you. They are armed with tomatoes. And you are tone-deaf and the only song you know is “Mary had a Little Lamb.” What do you do?
8. What’s your favorite color?
9. Write a guide on how to do the thing that you are the most unskilled at.
10. You are making a company, but you want to do something creative. What does your company create?
11. You get a letter in the mail. It says that you won a raffle that you don’t remember entering. It says you’ve won a million dollars and a miniature pony. All you have to do is go to a warehouse alone in the middle of the night to collect your prize. The letter seems official. What do you do?

100 Follower Mega Q&A Special!

Greetings, dear nonexistent readers! We are here today to celebrate fifty a hundred followers (who don’t exist, as they are nonexistent). That’s…fifty a hundred more followers than we expected, so…good job pressing that follow button.

In our post, 50 Followers!, we asked you guys to ask some questions, which we will answer in this Mega Q&A Special. After that, so we have fifty questions and match the theme of this thing, we had our lovely friend Ned the Narwhal from Unicorn Sightings ask some more…creative questions.

Note: So guys, this was supposed to be the fifty follower Q&A special, but due to our procrastination, we somehow managed to acquire 100 followers somewhere between getting fifty followers and writing this post. So wow, guys. Thanks.

To match the theme of “a hundred” instead of fifty, both Spinette and I will be answering each of the questions instead of every other question. Therefore, there will be a hundred answers.

 

Another Note: While we were conducting the interrogation, we realized that fifty questions are more than we thought and it was lunchtime and we were hungry so there are 27 questions. Apologies.

 

Questions 1-10 are from the nonexistent readers and 11-27 are from our lovely friend Ned the Narwhal.

 

Arachnid=A

Spinette=S

1. From mainepaperpusher, we have: Why the spidery monikers?
   • A: First, I’ve got to commend you on your vocabulary. (Monikers-a person’s name, especially a nickname or alias. [definition courtesy of dictionary.com]). We discussed this topic thoroughly in Why we are The WebWeavers, but the summary is that “We spin webs of lies to trap our readers” and “What is a storyteller but a glorified liar?”. Basically, our parents named us after spidery things and we worked with it.
   • S: ‘Coz we are cool, bruh.
2. From Plant Electrician, we have: Now that you have 50 followers how else are you going to celebrate other than answering comment questions?
   • A: We are going to consume hypothetical muffins.
   • S: I’m going to jump on my bed listening to screamo music concerning milk
3. From authorsinspirations, we have: What’s your real name?
   • A: I am Arachnid Weaver, and she is Spinette Spyder.
   • S: SPINETTE SUPER SPYDER—I am a distant relative of Superman.
4. From Plot Monster, we have: What is your favorite genre to read?
   • A: Fantasy. I have nothing against other genres, but recently I’ve found myself reading more fantasy than anything else. But it’s a really diverse genre and most two books aren’t alike. AND SIX OF CROWS.
   • S: Books that are well-executed. Any book that is good, is good.
5. From Mr and Mrs NW, we have: Why do you guys call us ‘nonexistent’? It’s really rude to say we don’t exist.
   • A: This “nonexistent readers” thing was spawned from the creation of our book, Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug. When we were writing most of it, we had no idea that we were going to publish or do anything with it, really. We were just writing it to make each other laugh, and since no one other than Spinette and I were reading it, our readers were “nonexistent”. In Slugventures, we do refer to the readers as “nonexistent readers” and it just sort of carried over to the blog once we started it.
   • S: This is because you guys are, in fact, nonexistent. You are all figments of our imagination.
6. From Mr and Mrs NW, we have: Are you [Arachnid] and Spinette this witty in real life or do you save all of the hilariousness for the blog?
   • A: Definitely. Except witty comments are often rude, and as I was told as a young child to “not say anything if it’s not nice,” my witty comments remain locked in my head.
   • S: Yes. My charisma gets me high-up jobs. Hypothetically.
7. From Sophia Ismaa Writes: Where did ‘Arachnid Weaver’ originate from?
   • A: *Shrugs* Ask my parents.
   • S: Epson printer.
8. From Sophia Ismaa Writes: Other than blogging what are your passions and goals in life?
   • A: I have to keep my closet clean.
   • S: To have a world record of chopping the most footlemons.
9. From theherdlesswitch: What’s your favorite song?
   • A: Gold by Imagine Dragons or Unstoppable by The Score
   • S: There Is A Cat Licking Your Birthday Cake by Parry Gripp and I Was Meant To Be Yours from the Heathers Musical.
10. What is your favorite word?
    • A: “Grotesque”, “lovely”, and “yeasty”. I also like “puffy”.
    • S: “Spinette” is my favorite word.
11. What is the last color of the rainbow?
    • A: Violet all the way.
    • S: Indigo! It is indigo! Indigo!
12. Where do all your hypothetical people go on vacation?
    • A: My hypothetical people go to the very real Unicornia on vacation.
    • S: My peeps go to the place of chocolate relaxation known as Coco Puffs.
13. Gel pens or ballpoint?
    • A: Gel pens all the way. I refuse to write with ballpoint unless I am in dire circumstances.
    • S: Ballpoint. It’s way cleaner than gel pens. Although pencils are my jam.
14. Are you for or against immortality?
    • A: Against.
    • S: Against. I like people in small doses.
15. How many uses for paperclips can you think of?
    • A: A lot.
    • S: Earrings.
16. Tell us a deep, dark secret that nobody knows.
    • A: Nobody doesn’t know any of my secrets.
    • S: I kissed my first-grade teacher.
17. Do you believe in leprechauns?
    • A: Yes.
    • S: No. Again, everyone is a figment of my imagination.
18. Do you occasionally lie?
    • A: Yes.
    • S: No. I am a moral being.
19. Are you lying right now?
    • A: …
    • S: I love you!
20. What is your favorite kind of sandwich?
    • A: Lettuce.
    • S: Bread sandwich all the way, brush.
21. Are you afraid of the dark?
    • A: No. But I could be afraid of what’s in the dark. I suppose it depends on where I am and what threats are in the area.
    • S: I love the darkness and hate the light. I’m like Batman.
22. What kind of bird would you want to see in real life?
    • A: I’m debating between a phoenix and a kiwi bird.
    • S: I would like to see an Angry Berd one day.
23. What is the purpose of this blog?
    • A: To fill previously blank space with words.
    • S: TO BE COOL, BRUSH! (and promote our book. Go buy it on Amazon, yeah!)
24. Do you have a strong attachment to any vegetables in particular?
    • A: Kelly the Zucchini was extremely nice before I ate her.
    • S: Cereal is my jam. Go eat some.
25. What do you think of controversial topics?
    • A: Thoughts
    • S: Racism is bad, Isis is a terrorist group. and vases should not be broken.
26. Do you collect anything?
    • A: Stuffed animals. Beanie Boos in particular (they are adorable). And also cat shirts. I used to collect glitter, the circles from hole punchers, used-up lead, and four-leaf clovers.
    • S: Life.
27. What is your favorite flavor?
    • A: Red.
    • S: Taste the rainbow, cry the rainbow.

Sandwiches

Have you ever thought that if one person drops a piece of bread on one side of the Earth and another person dropped another piece of bread at the same time the world would become a sandwich for just a brief second?

I’ve thought about it. Along with some other things too.

But honestly, do sandwiches have to be closed off, my bread? The only sandwiches I have seen not closed off by two pieces of bread is a cupcake and Lunchables cracker sandwiches.

And must the two pieces of bread be parallel? Because I have seen sandwiches made of one piece of bread, just bent over. If those things are considered sandwiches, what exactly is a hot dog? Is it an incomplete roll or a one-breaded sandwich? Is a taco a sandwich? A pita falafel?

Also, if one puts a sandwich, say a nice grilled chicken sandwich, into a blender, is the outcome a sandwich? If it is so, what if someone spread the chicken sandwich mush onto a cracker and tops it off with another one, does that make it a “sandwich sandwich”? Or if a sandwich has three pieces of bread with filling in the middle is it a “sandwich sandwich” a “double sandwich” or just the normal term “sandwich”.

Is an Oreo technically a sandwich? Does that make the backward spelling of my octopus’s name “Oreo” also a sandwich? (Ze octopus’s name is Oero, for whom it may concern.)

If you have two pieces of bread stacked on top of each other, that would be an oxygen sandwich (assuming that most nonexistent readers live in places with oxygen) and if another piece was added on top it would be a bread sandwich. Following that logic, I’m guessing that all stacks of bread are automatically sandwiches.

Of course, I remember that sandwiches do not need to be closed off by bread, so that would make all edible things that are stacked a type of sandwich.

But, then again, do sandwiches need to be edible?