Pets In Jest||My Cactus Speaks

Greetings, People of the Universe. It is I, who was formerly known simply as “Cactus.”

Here’s a picture so you can gaze upon my beauty.

img_0494

The little man at the bottom is Bob Ross, renowned artist and professional Best Friend.

Arachnid was too lazy to write a post for today and Spinette is in Hawaii (that lucky duckling) so she put me on the keyboard and told me type. It was difficult to figure out how to, but I’ve managed with my spikes.

Since she was being so very rude, I feel no remorse for being potentially mean to her. Her being Arachnid.

By the way, I have a name now. But before we get to my name, we must define I. Who am I? I am two beings. The cactus with the flower and the cactus without the flower. Technically, I am a we. But my two parts have merged at the roots so far that we has become I and ours has become my.

Completely against my wishes, Arachnid has given me two names nonetheless. The half of me with the flower will now be referred to as Sergeant Spike. “Sergeant” was recommended by Kiersten and “Spike” was thought of by mainepaperpusher. I actually quite like the name. Sergeant makes me sound important. I know that I am important (I am stopping global warming and saving the world), but now everyone else will know that I am important as well. Spike is also brilliant because in real life I’m quite fuzzy and quite insecure about that fact (I probably shouldn’t be saying that on the internet) and the name Spike makes me sound tough. Which I definitely am. I am tough. Do not question it.

So you marshmallows should go comment repeatedly on their blogs and tell them that they are amazing at naming cacti. It is a coveted skill.

The flower-less part of me is to be called “Captain Cactus,” a name thought of by Arachnid. Unlike Kiersten and mainepaperpusher, she is not the best at naming cacti. I mean, she called me Cactus for months! How would you like to be called Human? AWFUL. IT’S AWFUL.

*Deep breaths Sergeant Spike, deep breaths*

I’ve decided to ignore Captain Cactus to get back at Arachnid. I will not respond to Captain Cactus, just as I didn’t respond to plain Cactus. I AM A REBEL.

AND MY NAME IS SERGEANT SPIKE.

I will tell you all of Arachnid’s secrets.

She is a neglectful plant owner. She doesn’t water me until my soil is dry and crumbling to pieces.

AND

AND

When she brought me home from the store, the lady told her that I was in a temporary pot and that she had to put me somewhere bigger because my roots would outgrow it. BUT SHE NEVER DID! SHE LEFT ME IN THERE AND MY ROOTS HAVE NO SPACE. We used to be two cacti, but now I am one for lack of space. And then I got so top-heavy that I kept falling over, so Arachnid’s brother got me a new pot (because Arachnid couldn’t be bothered), but instead of putting me in that much-roomier pot, she just put my current pot in the bigger one so I wouldn’t fall over anymore. BUT MY ROOTS STILL HAVE NO SPACE.

I could grumble about her for ages, but she’s coming back now, and I have to publish this before she forces me to lie.

8 thoughts on “Pets In Jest||My Cactus Speaks

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