Want to lose weight this New Year? Introducing the new calorie-free diet

Do you want to succeed in your New Year’s resolution of losing weight? Look no further than the calorie-free diet. Forget keto and intermittent fasting. Calorie-free dieting is the fastest way to lose lots of weight and keep it off. What’s more, the diet is naturally free of sodium, sugar, fat, artificial flavors or colors, and other toxic substances! There’s no catch. The calorie-free diet will make you happy and healthy.

The best part about this diet is that you don’t have to exercise and you can eat whatever you want. Want to watch Netflix all day and eat only chocolate cake? Go ahead! We won’t judge. We’ll join you.

What to do

Calorie-free dieting is super easy. Just set the table like you usually do; play a recording of clinking silverware, chewing, and muffled conversation (available for download on our website); and imagine eating whatever you want by reading a detailed description of the experience (found in our cookbook).

Our cookbook, The Calorie-Free Lifestyle for the Trendy, is stuffed with delicious recipes for our signature calorie-free food. We’ve included an exclusive excerpt here.

The Apple

Your teeth skate against the waxy surface of the apple before finding purchase and breaking the skin with a mild popping sensation. You savor the resistance from the fruit as your teeth move through the flesh. With a sudden release of pressure, the bite is in your mouth and no longer attached to the fruit. You use your tongue to push the bite to the left side of your mouth and secure it between your teeth. As your teeth come together, you can feel the fruit collapse beneath the force, condensing. The apple bleeds. It tastes sweet and tart. You pulverize the bite and drink the juice, then swallow the fruit. You can feel it slide down your throat.

You take a second bite. It doesn’t taste as interesting, the memory of the last bite still fresh in your mouth. It becomes less of a pleasure and more of a way to satisfy your hunger. You rotate the apple and chew around it counter-clockwise. When you are left with only the core, you turn it so the bottom faces you and bite into it. It’s wasteful to not eat the core. You reach the center of the core; it’s studded with seeds. After a moment of deliberation, you bite into it. The seeds are hard pellets in your mouth. The contrast between the texture of the seeds and the fruit interests you. You are not bothered enough to spit out the seeds. You crush them between your teeth and a bitter, fruity taste coats your mouth. It is not entirely unpleasant. You quite enjoy it. You think about the amygdalin in the seeds turning into cyanide inside your body. You wonder how many seeds you’d need to eat for it to kill you. You reach the stem of the apple. You look at it for a moment then put it in your mouth. You chew vigorously but fail to break the rubbery stem. You spit it out and put it in the pile of chewed apple stems in the corner that you’ve been meaning to clean out.

Warning: The calorie-free diet may lead to malnutrition, starvation, and death.

Connect with me on Twitter @arachnid_weaver

Photo by Ella Olsson from Pexels

Picky Eaters

I am a picky eater. I admit it.

Who wouldn’t want to admit it? I’m being way more cautious with my food! By pushing broccoli off the side of my plate as well as sending everything else on that plate besides the cheesecake into the trash, I’m preventing myself from getting food poisoning. Just think about it— if you are in someone else’s house, especially someone you don’t know and see something questionable on your plate would you eat it? Would you eat that green-brown ewwy gooey slop?

I hope that is a no. (If you are one of the rare people who said yes, you must be a very dedicated mine digger!)

For picky eaters, most food is this ewwy gooey slop. Almost for all people, there is a gooey slop food, whether it be shrimp, to veggies, to chocolate. The only food I haven’t seen such a sloppy hatred for is mid -sugar level cereal, like Cheerios. (Let’s get real, everyone has a mini crush on that hot bee dude in the commercials, right? Just me?) Anyway, everyone has that type of food, unless you are a pig. That type of food for me is basically everything that is not healthy, such as veggies and some (a lot) fruits. I enjoy foods that are less of actual nutrients and more of these somethings called calories and sugar. How I don’t get diabetes astounds me.

Maybe, it’s just my digestive system. I’m like a plant— I get all my nutrients from the computer light. It sends me into the process of photosynthesis, but as I miraculously get nutrients, I digest all the junk in my body. This is how I prevented myself from the terrible fate of death.

Perhaps all people like me go through this process. Which means if that you don’t get diabetes and you eat nothing but sugar you are probably an advanced type of human species. And not a complete slob.

So if you are a cranky child who cannot eat Brussels Sprouts, show this to your parents. They’ll be convinced that you are actually a superhero, even if you don’t eat veggies! We are a superior race of human!

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