Surviving a Social Gathering

Dear nonexistent readers,

Due to the impending doom and sneaky approach of midterms, it seems as though the days have inexplicably shrunk.

Apologies to all who have been here long enough to have read this post before, but I will be reposting an old post.

Social Gatherings are horrible events that make me want to tear out Spinette’s hair stressful. Every so often, Spinette will force me to attend a Social Gathering. I think that she does it to assure people that I am not yet dead.

On the rare occasion on which I absolutely must attend a Social Gathering, I do my best to retain my sanity. I normally try to weasel my way out of them, but Spinette has learned most of my tricks. Once, on the day of a particularly dreadful Social Gathering, I poisoned myself, but Spinette still dragged me to that horrible child’s birthday party.

So, for those of you nonexistent readers who do not completely adore Social Gatherings, I have created a surefire guide to surviving (and hopefully avoiding) Social Gatherings following the colon:

Step 1: The best way to survive a Social Gathering is to not attend it in the first place. Make any and all excuses you must, but get out of it at any cost! If you fail this step, continue to Step 2, but if you succeed, congratulations, because you are done.

Step 2: If you have failed Step 1, then you will sadly have to attend the Social Gathering, but fear not, as it is most likely that you may be able to survive the night if you follow my steps word-for-word. At most Social Gatherings, people will attempt to approach you. Avoid this if possible. I’ve found the best way to do this is to immediately go the snack table upon arriving at the Social Gathering. Take a glass of fruit punch or other liquid from said snack table and go sit in a shadowy location that is out of the way. Glare at anyone who gets within glaring distance and do your best to look generally unfriendly. It is good to wear black (or dark, dark, dark gray if black is unavailable) to Social Gatherings to better blend into the shadows.

Step 3: If one unlucky soul happens to bypass your shadow-esque clothing, glares, and generally unfriendly aura, he or she might attempt to communicate with you. Be prepared for this! You do not want to be rude, as being rude is rude, so you can’t blatantly tell your visitor that you hate his or her presence and to go away (no matter how much you may want to) because that is rude. Bite your tongue if you must! I’ve found the best way to drive off people who wish to communicate with you is to tune out of the conversation. If you do not add anything to the conversation, they will (hopefully) eventually run out of things to say and leave you alone like you wanted in the first place. Give a vague nod now or then to give the sense that you are participating in the conversation. Personally, I find the best way to spend the time that your visitor is speaking is to imagine elaborate ways to murder your visitor. It always brings a smile to my face. If your visitor (unfortunately) happens to be one of those people who can hold one-sided conversations for hours, then it is alright to drift away when you feel it is necessary. I can assure you that this is still polite as otherwise your visitor may have been murdered.

Step 4: Leave the Social Gathering as soon as it is acceptable! (Unfortunately for me, it is only “acceptable” for me to leave the Social Gathering when Spinette does, so we are often the last two left.)

If you have survived this far, congratulations for surviving an entire (or partial) Social Gathering and doing so without dying or causing death!

 

Check out Spinette’s take on Social Gatherings @ Savoring a Social Gathering!

Savoring a Social Gathering!

Hello! If you cannot already tell by the title, this post is about savoring a Social Gathering. It appears that Arachnid has taught to the wrong way to survive such situations and this blog post is here to fix it. Really, it’s not about surviving at all, but just partying hard and savoring the moment. So how do you really survive a Social Gathering?

1.Examine your specimens.

I cannot stress this enough! Examining your specimens is the first and most important step to looking good at a party. Look at their face, their body, their mannerisms, to see if this is the right crowd for you. If it is right, go away immediately. By doing this you create something like school, a bunch of cliques just bunching up, which is an absolute mess. Do you enjoy hugging trees? Go to the group of business men looking to destroy the environment with more paper! Are you a lazy slug? Go dance with the people doing breakdown dances, sweating of the dance floor. It doesn’t matter if they look at you weird, just have fun! But as a always hip-party-person, you must want more than just a group that doesn’t suit you, you want to talk to them, correct?

You: *eagerly nods*

2. Compliment your dishes.

This step will need a lot of examination from the first step. Don’t just compliment them on something vague, compliment them on something so specific that they won’t even notice it! Here are some examples:

“Your bleeding pinkie cuticle poking out from under that bandage of yours tastes nice.”

“The Frosted Flakes in your hair really adds some nice smells!”

“Have I mentioned that the stealth of which you flush the toilet also while passing toilet paper to me is fabulous?”

“I like the angle of which the pimple on your nose slopes. Perfect 90 degrees, baby!”

“Those farts smell like tropical fruit.”

“The way you burn your tongue while eating pizza is just adorable!”

“Your torso is quiet spherical. Like, just like Pi spherical, you know? It’s just like your head!”

These are example of perfect compliments to give your peers. If they try to back away, slowly, you are probably doing it right! Make sure to grab them by the neck and make sure they can’t get away. Only then you can move on to the next step and prove that you want to socialize with those people.

3. Physical Contact/ Making Sure They Stay

Now for the hard part, making sure they stay. You can hug them, lock the door, chain them to a chair, press all the buttons in a elevator, and parading them with questions. This is the hard part because POI (person of interest) seems to not be interested back and will try to run off. Your job is to not let them, because you know they will stay once they get to know you. The real you.

Most people get nervous at physical contact or even queasy (especially Arachnid) at such gestures. Here, confidence is key. Do not back down, and make sure your prisoners——friends have no options to escape. No one can hear them scream.

You: WAAAAAAAAGHHH!

 

 

Surviving a Social Gathering

Social Gatherings are horrible events that make me want to tear out Spinette’s hair stressful. Every so often, Spinette will force me to attend a Social Gathering. I think that she does it to assure people that I am not yet dead.

On the rare occasion on which I absolutely must attend a Social Gathering, I do my best to retain my sanity. I normally try to weasel my way out of them, but Spinette has learned most of my tricks. Once, on the day of a particularly dreadful Social Gathering, I poisoned myself, but Spinette still dragged me to that horrible child’s birthday party.

So, for those of you nonexistent readers who do not completely adore Social Gatherings, I have created a surefire guide to surviving (and hopefully avoiding) Social Gatherings following the colon:

Step 1: The best way to survive a Social Gathering is to not attend it in the first place. Make any and all excuses you must, but get out of it at any cost! If you fail this step, continue to Step 2, but if you succeed, congratulations, because you are done.

Step 2: If you have failed Step 1, then you will sadly have to attend the Social Gathering, but fear not, as it is most likely that you may be able to survive the night if you follow my steps word-for-word. At most Social Gatherings, people will attempt to approach you. Avoid this if possible. I’ve found the best way to do this is to immediately go the snack table upon arriving at the Social Gathering. Take a glass of fruit punch or other liquid from said snack table and go sit in a shadowy location that is out of the way. Glare at anyone who gets within glaring distance and do your best to look generally unfriendly. It is good to wear black (or dark, dark, dark gray if black is unavailable) to Social Gatherings to better blend into the shadows.

Step 3: If one unlucky soul happens to bypass your shadow-esque clothing, glares, and generally unfriendly aura, he or she might attempt to communicate with you. Be prepared for this! You do not want to be rude, as being rude is rude, so you can’t blatantly tell your visitor that you hate his or her presence and to go away no matter how much you may want to because that is rude. Bite your tongue if you must! I’ve found the best way to drive off people who wish to communicate with you is to tune out of the conversation. If you do not add anything to the conversation, they will (hopefully) eventually run out of things to say and leave you alone like you wanted int he first place. Give a vague nod now or then to give the sense that you are participating in the conversation. Personally, I find the best way to spend the time that your visitor is speaking is to imagine elaborate ways to murder your visitor. It always brings a smile to my face. If your visitor (unfortunately) happens to be one of those people who can hold one-sided conversations for hours, then it is alright to drift away when you feel it is necessary. I can assure you that this is still polite as otherwise your visitor may have been murdered.

Step 4: Leave the Social Gathering as soon as it is acceptable! (Unfortunately for me, it is only “acceptable” for me to leave the Social Gathering when Spinette does, so we are often the last two left.)

If you have survived this far, congratulations for surviving an entire (or partial) Social Gathering and doing so without dying or causing death!