Arachnid Writes a Story

NARRATOR: Arachnid’s fingers dance over the keyboards as he weaves a story. Her fingers struggle to keep up as she records the symphony in her head.

ARACHNID slams her face into the keyboard after staring at a blank document for an embarrassing amount of time.

A lightbulb flashes into existence above her head as an idea comes to her. She furiously types.

She pummels the backspace bar, beating it bloody, then slams her face into the keyboard again. Random letters appear on the screen.

ARACHNID: Ugh! Why is this so hard?

LAPTOP: I’m sure it’s harder for me than it is for you. What with the beating my keys bloody and all that! (Glares)

ARACHNID: If only I chose to like something I was actually good at. Imagine how convenient it would be!

LAPTOP: And if you like something you were actually good at, you wouldn’t beat my keys bloody anymore! (Glares harder)

ARACHNID: Come on, Laptop, you’ve been with me through it all. Essays, stories, disgusting attempts at poetry… You must have some ideas!

LAPTOP (softening a bit): Well, you could try writing short, random pieces before you get back to the hard one. Just write whatever. Flex those writing muscles! Preferably without beating my keys bloody. Practice makes better, as a wise first-grade teacher once said.

ARACHNID: Whatever? As in anything I can think of? Like a scene where you give me writing advice?

LAPTOP: If you must. (Sighs)

ARACHNID: Aww. I love you, too.

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Mellow Yellow Episode 29: Why Is It Called Mellow Yellow?

MASTER (skipping into LENA’s room): Guess what?

LENA: WHAT?! (pulls out her earbuds, annoyed, with her annoying annoyed face)

MASTER (his face lighting up, as well as his fluffy hat): It’s the 29th episode! Can you believe it?

LENA (rolling her eyes): How could I forget? (She drawls on with a sarcastic tone) The 29th episode of… (she pauses and her eyes widen)…Mellow Yellow?

MASTER is in an animal-like trance, his hat on his back like a turtle shell. He chuckles, ignoring LENA in his joy. LENA briefly wonders why it’s called Mellow Yellow.

LENA: Master? Are you okay?

KYR (suddenly appearing): Master’s favorite number is twenty-nine. He goes back to his caveman instincts on the 29th of each month.

LENA (raising an eyebrow): It’s the 22nd.

KYR: Precisely.

LENA (shaking her head and deciding to move on): Kyr…you’re pretty smart. Do you know why our show is called Mellow Yellow?

KYR: You don’t know? (laughs)

UNKNOWN VOICES: We know!

The unknown voices are revealed to be TICK and TOCK, the two sticking their heads out the door.

LENA (hungry for answers): Why?

TOCK: Precisely.

TICK falls asleep.

MASTER (revived from his trance): You guys don’t know anything?

LENA (screaming): PRECISELY! Now, why is it called Mellow Yellow?

MASTER: According to Wikipedia, Mello Yello is a highly caffeinated, sugar-filled, citrus drink. As a group we are also a highly caffeinated, sugar-filled citrus drink, so to avoid copyright violations I named this thing Mellow Yellow.

TICK, TOCK, LENA, and KYR: That makes sense.

Mellow Yellow Episode 28: The Stars of The Show

TOCK is on the couch in the living room. TICK is on the floor, leaning against the couch and sleeping.

TOCK: Hey Tick, have you noticed how we’ve become the stars of Mellow Yellow?

TICK snores in reply. TOCK doesn’t notice and continues speaking.

TOCK: I mean, it wasn’t really the intention, but we’re amazing, aren’t we?

TICK blinks sleepily, waking up.

TOCK: We’ve stolen the spotlight, just like the notorious criminals we are.

TICK: Have we ever done anything explicitly wrong?

TOCK: Shush. Yes, of course, we have.

TICK: … Sure.

TOCK ignores TICK’s obvious lies.

TOCK: Now the nonexistent readers can’t remember Rue or Kyr or Lur or Cyra or any of those wackos.

TICK: Who are they?

TOCK: Precisely. Mellow Yellow is ours. We are the rulers. The Dictators. We are the law.

TICK (whispering): World domination…

TOCK: That is our goal.

TICK: I want a bread sandwich.

TOCK: Everyone will bow before us. They will obey our commands with a snap of their bones. Tick, can you smell the victory?

TICK: Not really. I want to smell a bread sandwich.

TOCK: You’re insufferable.

TICK (beaming): Thank you! You too!

~~~END

Poison Walruses

TICK: Come on! Please?

TOCK: Only if you get on your knees and beg.

TICK gets on her knees and prepares to beg. TOCK crosses her arms.

TICK: Please, please, please, can we go pet the wal—

TICK collapses sideways as she falls asleep. TOCK rolls her eyes and drinks some hot chocolate while using the sleeping TICK as a stool.

 

~~~ three hours later ~~~

 

TICK: —ruses

TOCK (sighs): I suppose that was sufficient begging. Let’s go.

TICK squeals in delight

TICK and TOCK head to the snowy northern coast of Eureka. After three seconds of intense hiking, they find a walrus. They proceed to pet the walrus vigorously.

 

~~~ three hours later ~~~

 

TICK (scratching TOCK): Why are you so itchy?!

TOCK (scratching TICK): Why are you so itchy!?

TICK and TOCK: Quinn!!!

QUINN (exasperated): What?!

TICK and TOCK: Why are we so itchy!?!

QUINN: (Shrugs) It was probably the walrus. Did you check the walrus for poison ivy?

TICK and TOCK look at each other skeptically.

 

~~~~ END

Mellow Yellow Episode 24: Author’s Note!

THE WEBWEAVERS are in the office of Arachnid’s Arctic Paradise deciding on what to do next for Mellow Yellow.

ARACHNID: I don’t know what to do next for Mellow Yellow… Ever since that Peeps talked, I couldn’t find any ideas!

SPINETTE: We can do a documentary on eating Yo-Yos featuring the two silent mimes!

ARACHNID: (Rubbing her hands like an evil genius) No. We need something original, something fresh, some—

SPINETTE: (hammers table with fist) Something to give Rue a purpose!

ARACHNID: Not that, Spinette!

SPINETTE (dejected): Owwwieee…

ARACHNID (ignores SPINETTE): Maybe we can bring Attendant back!

SPINETTE: I’m bored! I’m going to go look at memes, I mean… edit Outside In now.

ARACHNID: NO, YOU AREN’T GOING ANYWHERE! (pulls on SPINETTE’s shirt)

ARACHNID and SPINETTE sit there for a very long time.

SPINETTE: What if we used memes?

ARACHNID: Great idea!

 

~~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 23: Science

KYR, CYRA, TICK, and TOCK have made a Science Squad together in the expanses of ZHAN’s old workshop.

CYRA: Kyr, do you want to know how to make a potato light something up?

KYR nods.

CYRA: Okay! (throws a potato at the light switch)

ALL: Welcome to the Downside Up Science Squad!

TOCK: Today we will teach you how to science!

TICK: First, you ask a question. Kyr will demonstrate.

KYR (writing): What do Peeps do in a microwave? Because human flesh is a lot like Peeps’ marshmallowness, this experiment will prove useful.

TOCK: Then you construct a hypothesis! Make sure it’s biased and totally not backed by background research!

CYRA (overflowing with confidence): I believe that this peep will lay an egg since the bird species likes to reproduce in warm climates. As they say, the early bird catches the warm!

TOCK: Egg-xactly!

KYR plays laugh track.

CYRA: Now you can continue with an experiment!

TOCK puts a Peeps in the microwave and warms it up for a couple minutes.

Everyone except TICK watches the Peeps, waiting to see if it will lay an egg.

TICK: Tock! I need your help, Mommy!

TOCK (still watching the microwave): I’ll be right there!

TICK: No really, Tock! I need your― (screams)

TOCK (Concerned): Tick? (rushes over)

TICK: Ahhhh! That feels better!

TOCK: What happened?

TICK: I laid an egg! Isn’t it wonderful! I feel like a mother egret!

TOCK: Hooray!

KYR comes over to see.

The three stare at the egg intently.

CYRA rubs her hands evilly behind them, leaving the workshop.

The egg starts to crack.

TICK: It’s my offspring! I can’t wait!

TOCK: (puts a hand on TICK’s shoulder) We are parents now, Daddy!

TICK: I’m the mother this time!

TOCK: oh yeah.

The egg hatches, LUR rolling out.

TICK: AHHHHHHhhh! IT’S AN EMU! THIS IS NOT MY CHILD! TAKE HIM AWAY!

JOHN: (bursting from the wall) Never fear, John is here!

Bubble sounds come from the microwave.

Everyone looks at the microwave.

SQUAWK! The Peeps explodes everything.

 

~~~END

 

CYRA: WHY IS EVERYONE STILL ALIVE?!

PEEPS (in a deep voice):  I don’t know.  

CYRA: GAAH!

 

~~~END A SECOND TIME

Mellow Yellow Episode 22: A Lovely Boat Ride

TICK and TOCK  are in a tree, watching LENA and JOHN go on a boat ride down a stream.

JOHN: California exists, Len! Can you believe it?

LENA: No.

JOHN: What do you mean?

LENA: No, I don’t believe in California.

JOHN: But it’s real!

LENA: No it’s not. It’s just a figment of some terrible songwriter’s imagination.

JOHN: But Tick said―

LENA: Since when has anything Tick said made any sense?

JOHN: Well, that one time, she said…

LENA: …

JOHN: …

LENA: …

JOHN: One time she said, “The night sky is nothing but a black bottle of milk with pinpricks of firefly juice.”

LENA: Exactly!

JOHN: Exactly what?

LENA: You’ve proven my point.

JOHN: No, I’ve proven my point.

LENA rolls her eyes, frustrated.

TOCK: Should we tell them?

TICK: I suppose…

TOCK: But “should” isn’t the same thing as “will”.

TICK: I love it when you finish my…

TOCK stares blankly at TICK.

TICK starts stripping leaves from the tree.

TOCK: What are you doing?

TICK: I’m making a song.

TOCK shrugs and starts watching LENA and JOHN with vulpine focus, who continue to argue incessantly over unimportant subjects.

TICK (singing in her strangely melodic voice): ♩ Row, row, row your boat/gently down the stream/when you hit the waterfall/then you’ll start to scream ♩

LENA and JOHN: AAAAAHHHHHHHHH!

 

~~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 21: True Love

TICK, TOCK, ARA, and CHLOE are at a diner, waiting to be served.

CHLOE: We are just throw away characters! We have no story!

ARA: Except Mellow Yellow, I guess. I was in Outside In for a very short period of time.

TICK and TOCK: So… are we here to organize your next debut?

CHLOE (nodding): Yes.

ARA: But I’m dead!

CHLOE: I could bring you back to life with true love’s kiss! And it’ll be with a sunset and flamingos and gummy worms and dramatic lighting.

ARA (Catching on): OOoooh with stars too! (bumping TOCK’s shoulder) I’ve heard that you make a great star.

TOCK: I guess I am

CHLOE: And since the sun IS a star, you can be the sun too!

TOCK: Wait. That won’t fit into the story… It’ll be too cheesy.

TICK: Not to mention the mouth to mouth tension.

ARA: We don’t have to debut in Downside Up. I mean, we can always go to Ned the Narwhal, right?

CHLOE: NEIGH! WE’LL BECOME HORSES!

ARA: So… not Ned the Narwhal. How about SOSP?

CHLOE: I do approve, but did you like my pun? It was hilarious! (Laughing at own joke)

ARA: What pun?

CHLOE smashes ARA into a conveniently placed brick wall

CHLOE (ugly crying): ARA! WHY DIDN’T YOU GET MY JOKE? HOW COULD YOU?

(starts eating Tic Tacs)

TICK and TOCK look at each other with questionable faces.

RUE walks up to the table sporting a suit and tie.

RUE (In a silent French accent): Hello, good madames! Here is what you ordered! (Puts down plates and plates of shrimp sticks, red velvet wall cake, and little pieces of LENA’s rotten baloney)

TICK: Thank you, waiter. As you see our guests are a bit… emotional no— (Goes to sleep) ZZZZZ

RUE shrugs and walks away.

Suddenly JAY rushes up to the table.

JAY: Sorry, I’m late! (gobbles up some shrimp) So… when and where is the new debut of ours?

TOCK: Haven’t decided. (Rolls eyes at ARA and CHLOE) And you actually have working emotions!

JAY: Yeah. I got them fixed by MANAGER OPPA. So when is the debut?

TOCK: They said they wanted it in Ned the Narwhal with a sunset, flamingos, gummy worms, dramatic lighting, and stars. Ara will come back to life with a true love’s kiss and you will probably just be awkwardly standing there, censoring the mouth to mouth tension.

JAY: What part of the story? How long are we in it?

TOCK: Maybe just a sentence. In the middle. I’ll type it up once I get home.

JAY, CHLOE, and ARA: JUST A SENTENCE!?

TOCK: It’s important to be a necessity to the plot.

CHLOE: What if we are the judge’s three children? And Ara is from Earth so she can’t marry me legally. But the judge wants me to be happy, but he cannot break the law, so he sends me to Earth! And then on Earth, we kiss in front of a sunset once finding each other on the vast land!

TICK (awake from her slumber): GREAT IDEA!

TOCK: That will definitely be written into the story!

CHLOE and ARA: Hooray!

JAY: What about me?

TICK (ignoring JAY): I guess it’s settled.

JAY: WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?

 

~~~END

 

*THis is AN Epilogue, oh WoW im sMarT*

TICK: So, Author, will Chloe, Ara, and Jay make a comeback?

AUTHOR: NEVER!

LICORICE: (running away) AAAAAH! SOME EARTHLINGS ARE KISSING IN FRONT OF THE SUNSET! THEY ARE CAUSING A SCENE! UNICORNIA IS BREAKING!

TICK: Really? WHOA!

TOCK: (Taking TICK’s chin in her hand) I wonder if we kiss now if the whole world would implode!

LICORICE: DON’T DO IT!

The world becomes a black hole

AUTHOR: THE SHIP HAS FINALLY SAILED! (ship sails in distance)

JAY: They’re sisters remember!? The line that you put on that family tree was a mistake!

AUTHOR (with dread): What have I done?

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 21: Revenge

TICK is braiding her hair, humming Rawr.

JOHN: Why are you humming that?

TICK: Hmm?

JOHN: Why are you humming that―that disgrace instead of California Gurls?

TICK: What’s a gurl?

JOHN: Well, it’s like a mashup of girl and hurl. It really is quite obvious. I’m almost surprised you couldn’t figure that out on your own.

TICK shrugs lazily.

JOHN: And no one knows what Cali―

TICK (angry): I didn’t ask you what California is. I know what it is, anyway.

JOHN: (jaw drops) You―you know what California is?

TICK: (Shrugs. Says nonchalantly while unbraiding her hair) Yes. That’s what I just said. It’s an area of land, called a state, in another country in an alternate universe where the writer of the song is from.

JOHN doesn’t believe her and walks away, shaking his head in an attempt to remove this insanity

TICK braids her hair again

TOCK enters and stands silently in the doorway for fourteen minutes and 32 seconds before leaving again.

TICK is unbraiding her hair when she hears a doorbell. She opens it and calls over her shoulder

TICK: Quinn! It’s for you!

QUINN walks in and yelps

QUINN: Yelp

An army of bread sandwich ghosts led by BREAD SNADWHICH III converge on QUINN and he is never seen from again

 

~~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 19: Pool Party

In CYRA’s homely cottage, setting up a kiddie pool

CYRA: (whipping LUR) All done! I think your blood has filled up the pool!

LUR (weakly): Get me out of here.

CYRA: Yay! I’m going to change into my swimsuit, okay? You wait here.

LUR: I’m tied up! (struggles with the ropes)

 

***

 

CYRA: I’m back! (Now dressed in a green bikini, and is untying LUR)

LUR: What is this? A pool party?

CYRA: Yeah! I got the drinks too! (holds up a wine glass filled with blood. ZHAN’s eyeball floats on top) Want one?

LUR: No.

CYRA: Not even with these silver noodles he had clenched in his hands? (slurps TICK’s hair) They are quite tasty.

LUR: NO.

CYRA: Don’t you want to have some fun? (Puts hand on his shoulder)

LUR: … (Flashbacking wildly)

CYRA: Hello? Lur? (waving her hands frantically in front of his face) Oh well, I guess I could just look in that bag that you have…

LUR: … (Lost in the land of Flashback)

CYRA: (rummaging through his bag) Let’s see… bullets, an array of forks from different countries that don’t exist, Slugventures, and a single by Katy Perry. (Rubbing dust off the cover) Ooooh! California Gurls! This is perfect!

LUR: (back from his journey) Hey! What are you doing?

CYRA places the disk into a conveniently placed disk player.

California Gurls plays

LUR (Singing along): CALIFORNIA GURLS, WE’RE UNDENIABLE, DAISY DUKES… (Looks from his swim trousers to her bikini frantically)

CYRA: EIFFEL TOWERS ON TOP! (An Eiffel Tower grows out of the ground behind them)

QUINN is in the bushes with popsicles, ready to fire, along with his army men, JOHN, and LENA.

CYRA and LUR: FUN, FRESH, FIERCE, SO HOT. WE’LL—

QUINN: FIREEEEEWEEE! (JOHN fires the popsicles, but they melt in the air)

CYRA and LUR: MELT YOUR POPSICLE!

QUINN: So this is the true power of the Fire Nation.

JOHN: Yes, they are almost untouchable!

LENA: But it looks like they are having a lot of fun. Look at those yummy snacks they have!

JOHN: Let’s go!

JOHN and LENA rip off their clothing (they are wearing bathing suits), running toward the pool party, leaving QUINN all alone.

QUINN: Hello darkness, my old friend.

LENA: (wearing a blue bathing suit, settling down in the blood pool) Hey guys, what’cha up to?

JOHN: Yeah. What up? (In red swim trousers)

LUR: (with an idiotic smile) The Eiffel Tower!

JOHN’s eyes narrow.

CYRA sucks on ZHAN’s disembodied finger

JOHN: You are supposed to say “the ceiling” (Disgraced, he leaves the pool, tripping over the finished glasses of ZHAN’s blood)

LENA: I guess it’s just us now, huh?

LUR: Hey! I just realized now that I can escape!

CYRA takes LUR, folds him into a sandwich, and sits on him. She finishes him off with a dagger to the cheek.

LUR: Ow.

LENA: (Petrified) What? Is this stuff not fruit punch?

CYRA grabs LENA’s swimming suit, folds her into a burrito, and uses her as a footrest. She slurps her ZHAN-blood desperately trying to fit the eyeball into her mouth.

JOHN: (In the bushes with QUINN) The Fire Nation is truly despicable.

QUINN: Yes. (bites Bread Snadwhich three)

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 17: A Conversation

TICK, TOCK, and QUINN are having a conversation in the Velvet Mines.

TICK: So, Quinn? How did you get your hair like that? (Touches his ropey-lopey hair.)

QUINN: Mary was REALLY bad at doing my hair.

TICK: How bad?

QUINN: REALLY BAD.

TOCK licks wall in anticipation.

QUINN: Ok, I’ll tell you… It all started a long long long long long time ago…

TICK licks TOCK in anticipation.

QUINN: When I was young, Mary used to always pay attention to her training and had no time to watch over me. I would do extremely dangerous things because she didn’t watch. That’s why I finished college so young!

TICK and TICK are snoring.

QUINN (grossed out): And then…

TICK and TOCK lick the wall.

QUINN: I got my normal hair stuck in a giant tub of caramel! The caramel was beaten out of a snowy egret that I tackled while Mary was making evil plans.

TICK: That’s weird!

QUINN: YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD!

TOCK: (Licks TICK) How are we weird?

QUINN: Why are you licking everything like it’s a popsicle?

TOCK: It’s a trick that we learned from Pippie Senpai. And it’s made of cake.

QUINN: Whatever! So back to my story, after my hair got stuck in the caramel it clumped together in ropey things. And that’s how my hair came to be!

TICK: Oh really? Are you sure that you didn’t just make that up to explain to us “uneducated individuals” that you were just born with natural hair?  (Pulls on his hair sharply.)

QUINN: NO!

TICK pulls a bit more.

QUINN: The story is completely real!

His hair pops off, revealing a downward-pointing arrow on his forehead.

TICK and TOCK: ARE YOU THE AVATAR? QUINN (embarrassed): No, no, this is just an arrow indicating of which way I should put on my wig. The caramel burnt it away. (Pauses, and then whispers) Don’t tell anyone, okay?

JOHN waltzes into the room.

JOHN: ZHAN’S DEAD!

QUINN: THE FIRE NATION HAS ATTACKED!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

TOCK (to TICK): I’ll protect you Asami!

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 16: Proposal

ZHAN and TICK are in the living room, watching a movie called Downside Up: The Horror of an Uninteresting House.

TICK snores.

ZHAN: Tick, wake up. This is the best part!

TICK: It’s so late… (blowing mucus bubbles)

ZHAN: But this is the perfect time. The stars are shining, and look, there is your favorite one now!

TOCK climbs on the ceiling in a silver suit.

TICK: I’m sleepy…

ZHAN winks at TOCK.

TOCK lights the TV on fire.

TICK: Oooh! Look at how realistic this is! You are right, Zhan, this is the best part!

The fire is spreading around while TOCK is eating some popcorn in the corner.

TICK: Special Effects! (Starts to fall asleep, almost collapsing in the fire)

ZHAN: I will save you! (Takes her in his arms and uses the conveniently placed rope to swing her out of the zone of the fire.)

TICK snores.

ZHAN (Using the also conveniently placed fire hydrant to put out the fire): It’s gone now, love.

TICK snores.

ZHAN: Tick? (cries) Are you alright? Tick?

TOCK provides dramatic lighting.

ZHAN: NOOooooo OoooOooooOoOO OoOoOooOoooOOooOooO OoOoooOOo oOooO O!

TICK: Your scream has awoken me, Zhan.

ZHAN: Tick! (Hugs TICK)

TICK hugs back even though she doesn’t know why she is hugging him.

ZHAN: After this frightening occurrence, I have seen how much you mean to me. (Secretly reading off lines written in his jeans pocket.) So will you do me the honor of marrying me? (Holds up a ring made out of Tick’s hair.)

TICK: Of course…

ZHAN: Really! (genuinely surprised) You will?

TICK: Not.

ZHAN: Oh yeah, there’s Tock, right?

TICK: Not.

 

*A while later*

 

TOCK (dragging TICK away as she goes to sleep again): You didn’t really mean that, did you?

TICK (sleep talking): You are a very nice star.

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 15: Outside In

TICK, TOCK, and MASTER are selling Outside In novels in the busy streets of Almuerzo.

TICK: Buy them fresh from the counter! Get some copies of Outside In today!

TOCK: Yes, this book will always keep you on your toes!

MASTER: EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY! (becomes a ghost)

LENA walks up to the stand wanting to purchase some books while JOHN follows her, scoffing at how bad it is.

LENA: Can I have one?

TOCK: Sure! Tick, can you grab one for her?

TICK: Here. (holds up Outside In: The Guide To Indoor Gardening)

JOHN: What! I thought it was just Outside In!

LENA: (Raises eyebrow) What in the world is that?

MASTER: We don’t have that title, but, if you want, we have free Masters!

JOHN: Ooooh! Plushies!

TOCK hands him a Master Lock.

LENA: Can I have one too?

JOHN cries, dying his hair a light purple color

ZHAN: YES! (shaves him bald)

JOHN cries even harder.

 

~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 14: Lena’s Birthday!

LENA is lonely and wondering if anyone actually remembers her birthday. She sighs, opening her present to herself. It is a sock, although there is only one. She lost the other half of the pair somewhere between buying it in the clearance section and wrapping it.

LENA puts the one sock on her hand. She grabs some googly eyes from her pocket and makes a sock puppet.

JOHN bursts in through the door. He is wearing a banana suit.

JOHN: Never fear! John is here!

LENA: Do you know what day it is today?

JOHN: Yep. It’s Wednesday.

LENA: Yes… but is it a special Wednesday?

JOHN: Uhhhh… I think it might be International Squid Day, but that may have been last week.

JOHN strokes the sock puppet, deep in thought, then looks closer at the puppet.

JOHN: Hey! It has googly eyes! Is it your birthday? You only ever carried googly eyes in your pocket on your birthday.

LENA (looking pleased): Yes it is! I’m now officially seventeen. Did you get me anything?

JOHN: I did, in fact.

JOHN drops to one knee and pulls out a ring box.

JOHN: Lena, will you make me the happiest potato in this room and marry me?

Opens ring box to reveal half eaten pretzel.

LENA looks at JOHN incredulously.

LENA: No.

JOHN hops to his feet.

JOHN: Okay. It was part of the competition to win Bread’s love, anyway. It was to see who can throw the most romantic proposal. I think I’ll get extra points since it was your birthday/Wednesday and my ring was so tasty. I think Zhan is going to propose to Tick. Or possibly her shoe.

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 13: Wedding Special!

The wedding is just about to start in the Inverse Aquarium, but TICK and TOCK are having problems putting on BREAD SNADWICH’S dress.

TOCK: It’s so slippery! I can’t put it on!

TICK: It’s slipping out of my hands! (tries to keep the salami stable)

QUINN: (on the other side of the door) Is my princess ready yet? The guests are here already! (comes in)

TICK AND TOCK: SORRY!

QUINN: I’ll put it on. Besides, I am her groom, so I should take responsibility!

TICK and TOCK run out, seeing that the billions of guests that have already arrived

 

***

 

ARA: Chloe! You’re here! Now, where is Jay? I want him to die.

CHLOE is hugging herself tightly.

MASTER: YOU ALSO KNOW THE SECRET OF THE BREAD!

 

***

 

With the flashing lights and flying squids, QUINN and BREAD SNADWICH come out. QUINN is also wearing baloney and strips of salami braided into his hair. MANAGER OPPA is throwing confetti on them.

TOCK: Our child is so beautiful in that dress! (cries tears of joy)

TICK is sleeping

TOCK: DON’T YOU WANT TO SEE OUR DAUGHTER GET MARRIED?

JAY (Appearing from nowhere): So you are the bride’s mother? Where is the father?

TOCK points at TICK

CHLOE: She’s cute.

JAY: HOW? WHAT? ARE YOU SURE, MA’AM? SHE LOOKS LIKE YOUR SISTER!

TOCK (annoyed): She is.

*Awkward silence*

 

***

 

ZHAN, JOHN, KYR, and CYRA are sitting at a table together

CYRA: Hello.

ZHAN: Who are you?

CYRA: I’m in the process of finding what hair color suits me. I don’t have an identity until then.

JOHN: Like a K-pop star! (covers mouth)

KYR: John used to be one! He told me everything under that dress at the wedding shop!

CYRA: DANCE FOR US! (Touches his hair)

JOHN: I was a model, not a K-pop star! (starts to dance like a squirrel having seizures)

ATTENDANT starts singing Luna’s I Wish with her pretty voice

Everyone starts crowding around her, leaving JOHN alone. JOHN is relieved

KYR (in the crowd): YEAH! WEIRD METAPHORS!

CYRA (to ATTENDANT): Are you a K-pop star?

ATTENDANT: Yes. (Reveals her true identity as KIM TAEYEON, while singing crazy high notes)

Suddenly everyone stops everything

LENA (wearing a sticky dress): Why do I have to be the usher! (grumbles)

QUINN: Just do it!

LENA: Pfft, fine. (Pauses) Quinn, do you take this beloved bread sandwich as your wife?

QUINN: I do.

LENA: And do you, Bread Snadwich take your beloved, Quinn, as your husband?

BREAD SNADWICH: …. (hey, did you notice this ellipsis has a fourth dot which means it’s an actual ellipsis in Bread language)

The crowd is biting their fingernails. Quinn is eating his hair

BREAD SNADWICH: I—

ZHAN (Dramatically): NO! Stop the wedding! I will not let my bread sandwich go like this!

JOHN: That girl is mine! (filled with rage) Along with the house!

LENA: Um… what house?

MANAGER OPPA falls into chaos and takes TAEYEON with him

TAEYEON (singing): WHHHHHHHHY, WHHHHHHY!

CHARMING: Good morning.

JOHN and ZHAN are in a heated argument.

TOCK: TICK, CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ON THE A.C.?!

CHARMING AND KYR: Improper Grammar! (provides subtitles)

TAEYEON: Annyeonghaseyo!

*Are you at peace? Or “Hello”*

OPPA: How did you speak English so well before?

TAE: I just copied Fany! Bye, English people!

TAEYEON swims to Korea

ZHAN: Wait, where is Korea?

JOHN: Let’s go back to our heated argument!

TOCK: TICK! THE AC! (burning in the midst of the argument)

 

***

 

JAY (On the sidelines): I wanted some squid. At least some!

CHLOE (covered in squids): THEY ARE EATING ME, JAY! GET THEM OFF!

JAY: Yay!

ARA: I’ll save you! (uses Unsticky Act to unstick the squids)

CHLOE (cheery): You are my hero! Let’s get married!

 

***

 

ZHAN: THE BREAD SNADWICH IS MINE!

JOHN: NO! IT’S MINE!

QUINN: I’m pretty sure this supposed to be my wedding!

ZHAN: When you asked me if Bread Snadwich liked birds, a couple of episodes ago, I said no. How do you think I knew?

QUINN: I don’t know. And shouldn’t you get married to Tick’s—

TICK: WHAT! NO!!! I WANT TO GET MARRIED TO MANAGER OPPA!

TOCK: CAN YOU PLEASE TURN ON THE AC! (still in the fire) AND ARE YOU CHEATING ON ME? (the fire flares up)

TICK pours iced milk onto TOCK

JOHN: I’m sorry, Tick, but Manager Oppa just swam to Korea.

TICK (crying): MANAGER OPPA, I WILL MISS YOU!

TOCK: You still have me… (smoking in the remnants of the fire)

TICK is snoring

LENA (to everyone): This wedding is just falling apart! Can’t we just get this over with!? IT’S ABOUT 4.5 PAGES LONG!

Everyone claps at the new world record

MANAGER OPPA: (returns with angel wings) Thank you for the entrance!

MANAGER OPPA: I’m called Manager Oppa for a reason! Let’s get this started! Now, what’s the problem?

QUINN: These heathens are keeping me from getting married!

JOHN and ZHAN glare at him

MANAGER OPPA (With a crafty smile): Let’s prove it! We will see who loves Bread Snadwich the most in an ultimate competition! Whoever Bread Snadwich stays with is the winner!

JOHN: NO! THAT’S NOT POSSIBLE! SHE’S JUST A BREAD, AFTER ALL!

MANAGER OPPA: Strike 1!

 

~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 12 1/2: Filler Part 2, The Attendant Special

Due to sympathies felt by the authors, it has been decided that the ATTENDANT will receive more minimal lines to abate her unquenching thirst for the spotlight. Albeit, we will only refer to her as “ATTENDANT” to preserve her anonymity so she is protected from crazed fans and, most importantly, her ego doesn’t grow larger than it already is.

ATTENDANT (to an invisible audience): Oh! I’m so emotional. This is too much… All I can say is….. THANK YOU!

With that, she bursts into song with her surprisingly glorious voice.

ATTENDANT: MASSACHUSETTS GURLS, WE’RE DENIABLE. DULL, OLD, MILD, LIKE ONIONS ON TOP.

KYR and JOHN are the only people still in the store. KYR bursts into applause. JOHN looks aghast at ATTENDANT’S horrible interpretation of the classic song. Although, he must admit, her voice is only second to his own.

MASTER, now a ghost (he has obtained the ability to morph between the two forms), floats through the door and steals a dress for BREAD. It is made of a mixture of bologna and salami, although why a dress like that was in a fancy dress shop and not a deli eludes all.

ATTENDANT: I thought I screamed at you to get out of here!

 

~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 12: Cake

Back from the store, TICK and TOCK are baking a cake since they got outlawed from The Store of All Your Specific Wedding Needs.They are in MASTER’S office.

TICK: I’ve never baked a cake before. Have you, Tock?

TOCK: Does it look like I’ve baked a cake before? Of course not, you dummy!

Tears well up in TICK’S eyes

TOCK: I’m sorry… I didn’t mean it. Can you forgive me?

TICK is snoring

TOCK puts a bread crust in her ear

TICK: IREJOWt h oeruu h o uOW4uyeo 5ry9hfa;du ypr948p yoSHOpwej riop  j0weu p

TOCK: WE NEED TO BAKE THIS CAKE!

TICK (in that weird time where you are tired and can’t decipher fantasy from reality): OOOOHOOh lets make a cooking show liek Maswter!

KYR: (Providing subtitles) Ooooh! Let’s make a cooking show like Master! (Turns on the camera)

TOCK: So, first, to make the perfect cake, we need two pounds of sulfur and three chickens!

TICK: AMEK SURE the Chicken isa FREEEEESh!

KYR is still providing subtitles

TOCK: We mix it together, making sure that the chickens stop clucking and that the batter is nice and smooth.

TICK: SSSSSMMMMOOOOOOOTTTTHHHHH! (plays with TOCK’S hair)

TOCK: Then we put it in the freezer for about 40 minutes.

TICK: (hums Jeopardy theme song, but then stops) Hey, can you be the comedic relief for a second I want to do this part!

TICK: Okay… if you say so, Daddy!

TICK is sleeping

The cake explodes within the fridge, creating an element similar to TICK’S hair

ZHAN (descending from the clouds): YES!

MANAGER OPPA: IT’S PERFECT! (Coming flying in with the snowy egret)

TICK and TOCK: OLD MAN! (runs toward MANAGER OPPA)

ZHAN has a look of jealousy on his face, but TOCK realizes this and comes back to him.

ZHAN (smiling): Mommy!

TOCK: (slaps him in the face) Only Tick and Bread Snadwhich can call me that! (slaps him again)

ZHAN (Suddenly normal like the piece of cement he usually is): Can I at least have the element?

TICK (sitting on top of MANAGER OPPA’S head, wearing his glasses): No. That’s saved for Manager Oppa!

ZHAN glares at his new rival.

JOHN imagines ZHAN’S glare intensified by a thousand.

~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 11: Preparations

TICK, TOCK, QUINN, MASTER, and LENA are at the store looking for the perfect wedding dress for BREAD SNADWHICH.

TICK: How about this one? (Holds up a wedding gown)

TOCK: Nah. We need a bread sized one, remember? (Looks over shoulder when there is no response)

TICK is curled up on the dress while the ATTENDANT is trying to pull it from under her body.

TOCK: TICK! WAKE UP!

ATTENDANT: You guys are an odd bunch of people…

***

MASTER (just coming out from the bathroom): WOW! THAT WAS GREAT! I FEEL SO RELIEVED! THE AUTHOR USUALLY NEVER LETS ME DO THIS!

Everyone in the store looks at him

MASTER: Whoops…

ATTENDANT (Running up, aggravated): CAN YOU GET YOUR DAUGHTER TO GET OFF THAT DRESS! IT’S A MILLION DOLLARS AND SHE’S DROOLING ON IT!

MASTER: Actually miss, she isn’t my daughter but she is my ex-wife’s father.

ATTENDANT: Can you just get him off!

MASTER: She’s a “her”.

KYR (Crashing through the ceiling): That’s right, ma’am. Please get your grammar right next time!

JOHN (Popping out of a wedding dress): You just came out of the ceiling! So, What’s Up?

MASTER walks away with the freaked-out store ATTENDANT, leaving KYR to deal with JOHN’S sudden appearance in his underwear

***

The CLOCK DUO arrive at the scene

TICK, who is still asleep, is surrounded by mysterious circles created by a purple marker, blood-scented candles, and breadcrumbs. TOCK has a jug of iced milk, ready to pour.

ATTENDANT: AHHH! WHAT ARE YOU DOING!

QUINN (to his fiance): This wedding dress is not as beautiful as you! (to others)  AND WHAT ARE YOU GUYS UP TO?

(I resist to put an awesome pun I’ve created because it sounds quite weird and many people would advise against it)   

TICK: A demonic exorcism, is all! (Pours the iced milk)

ATTENDANT: GET OUT OF THIS STORE!

A snowy egret comes and carries them all out of the store

MASTER is still shopping for french baguette hat, without gluten

ATTENDANT: YOU TOO!

LENA: What about me?

ATTENDANT: YOU ALSO!

LENA: No, I was talking to the author. She didn’t include me at all, even when I was in the store! John and Kyr were dropped in and they weren’t even in the store in the first place!

ATTENDANT: Well this is my last episode and the audience doesn’t even know my name! (cries a waterfall on the dress) And be thankful for your appearances in these things. You might be very important later!

LENA (waving): Bye, Attendant!

QUINN (to LENA: Guess what?

LENA: What?

Quinn: I got you a dress! (Holds up the salty dress drenched in watered-down milk)

~~~END

(JOHN and KYR are playing rock-paper-scissors after being abandoned in the store, if you were wondering. They are hiding under a wedding dress as the ceiling is about to come crashing down.)  

Mellow Yellow Episode 10: Tricky Relations

LENA: Wait a second…

Everyone looks at her attentively

LENA (To QUINN in horror): If you’re marrying Bread Snadwich… and Bread Snadwich is Dad’s ex-wife, which means she’s my stepmom… then you’re my soon-to-be stepdad!

JOHN laughs

LENA (in a whiny voice): But I’m older than you!

QUINN (grinning): That means I’m the boss of you, soon-to-be stepdaughter, and I order you go to the wedding wearing a very fancy dress. The fanciest, itchiest, heaviest dress I can find, in fact. You’ll only be second to my darling fiance.

JOHN laughs harder. Only ARA can keep a straight face.

LENA (grumbling): @#$!

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 9: Fluffy Hat

After a couple of days, MASTER is slowly getting used to his gluten-free-ness. He is human again. QUINN is getting ready for the wedding, but sadly he is having problems with the guests. LENA is in the living room as well.

QUINN: Lena! Do you want to come to our wedding?

LENA: I don’t like dresses. Or celebrating union.

MASTER walks in with his fluffy hat in his hand rather than on his head.

QUINN and LENA: WHOA! IT’S THE TOP OF HIS HEAD!

MASTER raises an eyebrow, both at the surprise of the two of them together and the fact that QUINN has BREAD SNADWHICH.

LENA: It’s so white and hairy! (pets the top of her father’s head)

MASTER (to QUINN): What are you doing with my wife—I mean my…uh.

QUINN: Marrying her. Why?

MASTER: WHAT?!

QUINN (nervous): You can’t really go near bread anymore, so I just conveniently fell in love!

MASTER: … So you think you are worthy of the Bread Snadwich?

QUINN: …

MASTER: YOU ARE! YOU ARE MY NEXT OFFSPRING! THE LEGACY OF MASTER SHALL LIVE ON! (Puts the fluffy hat on QUINN’S head) YOU HAVE LEARNED THE SECRET LANGUAGE OF THE BREAD!

QUINN (proud): I guess I have!

TICK and TOCK: (Suddenly crowding MASTER) SO YOU APPROVE?

MASTER: Yes. And Tick, that’s a nice new hairdo!

TICK (blushing): Thank you, Master. Tock did it for me.

TOCK glows at the attention.

ZHAN comes through the door, still crying for TICK’S wonderful hair.

ZHAN: WHY WHY WHY WHY? (Cries as TOCK sits down on his face to silence him.)

TICK walks away.

TOCK: Tick, come back! Don’t you want to pick out the dress for your daughter?

TICK: (Walks back, and grabs Tock’s hand) Let’s go!

 

~~~END