A Stream of Random Thoughts | Jest

Today’s random word is JEST!

YAAAY.

I command you to clap.

Jest is lonely and sad. They could use some applause.

*A cricket chirps in the distance*

The first thoughts that come to mind for this lovely flowchart that is a paragraph in this head/post, what the blobfish do I mean? Obviously, I am tired and this post will make no sense. Also, I’m not allowed to edit, so all the nonexistent readers will think I’m losing it.

Losing what, you may ask? mY MinD, I answer.

akdjfjkdgkdkfd

It’s been crazy.

I’m getting distracted. Okay. Jest. Flowchart. Super happy fun times.

*Blows out a breath*

K.

Words that come to mind from “Jest” include jester and something else, but I’ve forgotten. Give me a minute.

Uhhhhh…

Oh! I remember! It was vest! Get it? Cuz “vest” rhymes with “jest”.

Hahahahahaha

I’m so funny. RHYMES.

I like puns. I like puns a lot. They’re so punny.

I’m not particularly good at puns. I just like other people’s puns. I’m getting off track. Oh well, wasn’t that the point of this whole series? To see how far my mind will stray and to gauge how crazy I truly am.

*Sighs*

It’s been crazy.

I’ve read some lovely books. They were lovely.

SLEEEEEEEP

I WANT TO SLEEEEEP

SLEEEEP WOULD BE NICE

LIKE RICE

SLEEPITY SLEEEP SLEEEEP SLEEEEEP

IT RHYMES WITH SHEEEEEEEP

SHEEEP!!!

SHEEP!

I COUNT TURTLES AND YOU COUNT SHEEEP

I COUNT TURTLES

IN FANCY HATS

WEARING GIANT BOW TIES

OH, HOW THEY JEST,

THOSE JESTER TURTLES PERFORMING FOR THE TURTLE KING

THE TURTLE KING IS A TYRANT

HE ENSLAVES ALL THOSE POOR TURTLE SOULS

I AM THE TURTLE KING

I FORCE THEM TO WALK BEFORE ME

WHILE I FALL ASLEEP

IN FANCY SUITS AND TIES

I am tired. Good night.

Jackie

I saw that Arachnid was putting her story A Dreamer in the Darkness up here, so I decided to put up my story Jackie here too. I hope you enjoy it!

Giant’s POV

-Have you ever seen a giant climb down a beanstalk? No? Well, this is what I did that night… so long ago.

Found one.

The little girl scuttled away, racing through the fields, her feet making these soft taps in the dirt. The dust billowed upon my face, as I stifled a cough, hoping desperately that she did not hear me in the still sound of the night. Choo! I sniffled. Not apprehending my presence, the adolescent ran off into the village, wearing a mask of urgency and with a slight crook in her thick eyebrows displaying swallowed, compressed fear.

I crawled through the forest of trees, my giant monstrous body causing them to rattle. Leaves crunched under my hands as I hastily tried to maneuver myself, every move a hideous crash. A few paces later, I perked up, surveying a villa. It was small, quaint, with wind slipping through the cracks of sleeping huts. Then I saw her. A blast of red, then the lock of the door. Click!

Circling around the suburb, I restlessly settled myself down near the home the adolescent sneakily slid into. I looked through a window, eager for the story I was about to unravel. The girl’s eyes were wide as she flinched at each minuscule squeak. I folded my fingers together, tight, as my eager thoughts flipped to dread, waiting for what was to come next for the poor girl.

She trudged down the hall, as my curiosity went along with her, my vision darting towards the next window, inside a kitchen. The teenager was haphazardly throwing damaged pieces of silverware, opening wooden cupboards and loudly calling for someone. Seamlessly, her tension softened into concern which, of course, quickly fastened into worry.

-Humans have crazy emotions.

Her ragged breath blew in and out, fixing itself with the rhythm that the house was bouncing along with the thumps of my heart. Ta-dum, ta-dum, tad-dum. It was the only constant thing among the chaos of her crashing, clashing and screams.

“Mother!” The call was adamant.

Nothing.

Immediately, like lighting, the girl’s boots clunked up the steps. With my curiosity on full blast, I grabbed the top of the house, pulling my face closer, almost so the very tip of my nose touched the window. This one uncovered a bedroom and an older woman sleeping peacefully. I hope her daughter doesn’t disrupt her calm tranquil dreams. I swiped a quiet , calculating finger across the window, feeling the texture of smooth glass. It was new to me—- I never had felt it before.

Then a red swish flew through the door. The girl, I thought, recalling when I saw the red haired teenager enter the hut. Her cheeks were red, her hair matted with sweat, as she climbed onto the bed. She whispered something, something I couldn’t hear from the outside, so without weighing the consequences, I pressed my ear against the wall. Warningly, the house wobbled, dirt and planks falling from the roof. The girl fell on her napping mother, somehow failing to wake her up, but didn’t even gaze in my direction. Thank goodness. My shoulders fell, as I blew a gust of air from my lips, fogging up the window.

The girl’s shrieking cry emanated from the room, an incredible, incoherent cry that shook me from my head to my toes. Tinglings of the shriek vibrated in my mind, as I wiped the fog off the window, slowly unclothing the scene, my eyes progressively dilating, my brows folded in disbelief. I gasped, my fingers fanning in front of my “o” of a mouth.

The mother’s chest was scarlet with blood, a knife glinting from the wound. The mother’s blanket was thrown to the floor, and with that a terrifying secret.

-Don’t ever ask me to describe “death” of those creatures.

I ran away. Up the Beanstalk, in the middle of the town. Giant goblets of water drooped along my long, narrow face, flicking themselves off my jaw, wetting my hair and chest. I clutched at my breasts, thankful that I still have mine. Remorsefully, I took one last look of the village. It was so beautiful, with eerie hidden horrors lurking inside, a world of stars never seen above the clouds. I was so sorry I had to leave so soon.

A early rising lumberjack yakked at my appearance. He withdrew his axe, quickening my departure.


Part 2


©SPINETTE SPYDER

Finger Guns: The Future of Communication?

Snap! Snap! Snappp! We have all heard the standard finger gun sound. It works for every awkward and non awkward situation, and acts as an outlet for my introverted side to dip into my awesome extrovert side!

A friend you haven’t seen in years due to the war? Finger guns!

A beautiful girl you admired from afar for all of highschool? Finger guns!

A gassy hippopotamus? …maybe finger guns can’t solve that one.

But, you get my point.

This is a fun and fast way to get comfortable with someone without touch, if you don’t prefer the cuddles and want to stay away from germs. You instantly give your friend the impression that you are comfortable enough to shoot imitation guns at them, friendly enough to snap and smile to get their attention, and respect their privacy (although if you really want to feel the love, you can ignore the last one).

Finger guns are the way of the future, and if we all converted to finger gunning, we would be able to help all types of people! Deaf people would see the finger guns and blind people could hear the sounds of the different snaps.

In fact, it’s been seen in nature with colonies of solider ants, or between blue whales busting water from their blow holes. It has been around for centuries dating back to -1 B.C. when the world didn’t even exist!

The finger gun is a truly perfect example of wonderful seamless communication.

Mellow Yellow Episode 21: True Love

TICK, TOCK, ARA, and CHLOE are at a diner, waiting to be served.

CHLOE: We are just throw away characters! We have no story!

ARA: Except Mellow Yellow, I guess. I was in Outside In for a very short period of time.

TICK and TOCK: So… are we here to organize your next debut?

CHLOE (nodding): Yes.

ARA: But I’m dead!

CHLOE: I could bring you back to life with true love’s kiss! And it’ll be with a sunset and flamingos and gummy worms and dramatic lighting.

ARA (Catching on): OOoooh with stars too! (bumping TOCK’s shoulder) I’ve heard that you make a great star.

TOCK: I guess I am

CHLOE: And since the sun IS a star, you can be the sun too!

TOCK: Wait. That won’t fit into the story… It’ll be too cheesy.

TICK: Not to mention the mouth to mouth tension.

ARA: We don’t have to debut in Downside Up. I mean, we can always go to Ned the Narwhal, right?

CHLOE: NEIGH! WE’LL BECOME HORSES!

ARA: So… not Ned the Narwhal. How about SOSP?

CHLOE: I do approve, but did you like my pun? It was hilarious! (Laughing at own joke)

ARA: What pun?

CHLOE smashes ARA into a conveniently placed brick wall

CHLOE (ugly crying): ARA! WHY DIDN’T YOU GET MY JOKE? HOW COULD YOU?

(starts eating Tic Tacs)

TICK and TOCK look at each other with questionable faces.

RUE walks up to the table sporting a suit and tie.

RUE (In a silent French accent): Hello, good madames! Here is what you ordered! (Puts down plates and plates of shrimp sticks, red velvet wall cake, and little pieces of LENA’s rotten baloney)

TICK: Thank you, waiter. As you see our guests are a bit… emotional no— (Goes to sleep) ZZZZZ

RUE shrugs and walks away.

Suddenly JAY rushes up to the table.

JAY: Sorry, I’m late! (gobbles up some shrimp) So… when and where is the new debut of ours?

TOCK: Haven’t decided. (Rolls eyes at ARA and CHLOE) And you actually have working emotions!

JAY: Yeah. I got them fixed by MANAGER OPPA. So when is the debut?

TOCK: They said they wanted it in Ned the Narwhal with a sunset, flamingos, gummy worms, dramatic lighting, and stars. Ara will come back to life with a true love’s kiss and you will probably just be awkwardly standing there, censoring the mouth to mouth tension.

JAY: What part of the story? How long are we in it?

TOCK: Maybe just a sentence. In the middle. I’ll type it up once I get home.

JAY, CHLOE, and ARA: JUST A SENTENCE!?

TOCK: It’s important to be a necessity to the plot.

CHLOE: What if we are the judge’s three children? And Ara is from Earth so she can’t marry me legally. But the judge wants me to be happy, but he cannot break the law, so he sends me to Earth! And then on Earth, we kiss in front of a sunset once finding each other on the vast land!

TICK (awake from her slumber): GREAT IDEA!

TOCK: That will definitely be written into the story!

CHLOE and ARA: Hooray!

JAY: What about me?

TICK (ignoring JAY): I guess it’s settled.

JAY: WHAT ABOUT MEEEEE?

 

~~~END

 

*THis is AN Epilogue, oh WoW im sMarT*

TICK: So, Author, will Chloe, Ara, and Jay make a comeback?

AUTHOR: NEVER!

LICORICE: (running away) AAAAAH! SOME EARTHLINGS ARE KISSING IN FRONT OF THE SUNSET! THEY ARE CAUSING A SCENE! UNICORNIA IS BREAKING!

TICK: Really? WHOA!

TOCK: (Taking TICK’s chin in her hand) I wonder if we kiss now if the whole world would implode!

LICORICE: DON’T DO IT!

The world becomes a black hole

AUTHOR: THE SHIP HAS FINALLY SAILED! (ship sails in distance)

JAY: They’re sisters remember!? The line that you put on that family tree was a mistake!

AUTHOR (with dread): What have I done?

 

~~~END

 

Funny Scenarios

I was carefully spoon-feeding my boyfriend the bits of my leftover pizza when my little sister walked by. A piece of pepperoni fell on her head as he refused another bite. My sister made a face. “You people are weird.”

Suddenly, a giant broccoli sprouted up from the ground, spraying dirt all over my neon-plaid farmer’s overalls. I cried, “Stupid carrot!”

I was walking down the street, gulping down an 11.9-inch sub. A cute dog gave me sad puppy eyes, panting for a strip of bacon lolling on the edge of my meal. Those eyes were so adorable that I ended up giving the little dog the whole thing. Of course, puppy eyes sell high on the black market as well.

The large football player walked up to me, grunting like a caveman, “What grade I get on math test, Teacher?” I declared his grade, “A++++++++!” and darted off, hoping that he wouldn’t pound me into the ground for giving him such a terrible grade.

A cat slunk under the bathroom stall, its whiskers brushing against my bare ankle. He chomped at the clipped nails I left for him, purring at the bent metal. “I must be going now, cat.”  I pulled up my shorts and left.

Casually, I slipped out the of the Skee Ball section of the arcade and headed for Pac Man, my favorite game. There was one machine and a fish was taped onto the screen. I took the fish and got 10,000,000 tickets.

The cloaked man relayed the message into my ear, “Thanks for joining this important FES conference. The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe, just like you.”

I was a naughty kid this Christmas and, as usual, Santa gave me heaps of coal. While my brothers and sisters were opening up their presents, I was wasting my time watching a documentary on global warming and how burning coal destroys the ice caps. Now I know what I’m doing for my New Year’s resolution.

“Mom, it’s cold in here!” My son hugged himself, his teeth chattering from the AC turned all the way up. I turn to him, sighing at his stupidity. “Go to the corner, Jimmy.” I walked him over to the corner of the room. “Why?” he asked, still shivering. I answered, “Aren’t you getting any warmer? This corner is 90 degrees!”

I’m an astronaut. I’ve been missing my family and I want a party when I go back home from this space trip. Up here though, there is no way I could planet.

 

 

Spinette’s Tips for Flirting

Honestly, I could write all about this topic to fill seven dictionary-sized books, but for today, I’ll keep it brief. These quick tips will change your terrible love life to an amazing one in just a single moment! Love is in the air, so on Valentine’s Day being able to make words fly out of your mouth like an angel is advised to get a lifelong partner. Is your love interest about to leave you? Do you want to ask your crush out to the dance? Here is the hub of all your answers!

Tip 1: Make eye contact

This is rule number one! Don’t blink, just stare away. If you do blink make sure you do it one eye at a time, so it comes off as a wink. This is how your love interest knows you’re listening, When they bring up something you’re into in conversation go on and wink or raise your eyebrows. For maximum affect, do the two actions at the same time. Also, when they question your staring make sure to stare even more— they didn’t think your constant eye contact was good enough.

Tip 2: Trap them from the very beginning, throwing a casual pick up line

“Hey hot stuff, you are looking real FINE tonight!”

“I barely know you.”

If your love interest responds with this phrase, that means you are heading in the right direction. This means that the love interest wants to know more of you, and is willing to devote his or her time for you. Do something that will ensure that he or she stays in your company such as sitting on their lap, holding their hand very tightly, or the classic breathing down the neck technique.

Tip 3: Touch those forearms

Touching the forearm is an essential part of the flirting process. Make sure you get in that forearm, that you caress that forearm, that you pet that forearm like it’s your puppy. Go up and down in obvious sweeping motions as you invite the love interest to grab yours. If he/she says yes, this probably means that you are going to get married someday.

“Do you want to touch my forearms?” *sweeping love interest’s forearms*

“Uh…um…yeah, about that, I really need to g—”

“Shh!” *puts finger on his/her mouth* “You’re my puppy now!”

Tip 4: Use metaphor and simile

Remember what your 3rd grade ELA teacher taught you? Here is the time to put it in action. Make sure, like any good compliment, that the flirts are oddly specific. A good example would be:

“Your dress is poofy as a bunch of upturned cupcake wrappers stacked on top of each other!”

Or…

“Your eyes are as green as strawberry flavored American Haribo gummy bears.”

This will make your love interest think that you are an intelligent and poetic person. Also, all the flirty compliments have to be related to food since really that’s your true intention.

Tip 5: Be a cat or dog!

Everyone loves cats and dogs! Adding a cute purr to every sentence, or giving adorable puppy dog eyes will enhance the flirting experience. Once your love interest is about to leave the party, give them a lick to the face.

The Most Hated Item in Existence (According to me)

You all have probably encountered this thing in your lives. Probably on numerous occasions. Almost every day for some. And if you are like me (as most are, at least in this case), then you hate this thing with a fiery passion.

Yes, you have guessed correctly. This thing that I am talking screaming about is the dreaded alarm clock.

That necessary evil in your life that resides on your night table and shrieks at you much too early in the morning.

Sometimes with incessant, monotonous, and redundant shrilling beeps or sometimes an initially lovely tune that you have slowly developed a deep-rooted hatred for.

The thing that shatters your dreams of unicorns, flying cupcakes, and fictional characters and welcomes you to the dreaded state of being awake. Oh, dreams are so much better than real life. If only they could last. WHICH THEY WOULD IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE ALARM CLOCK.

The horrible welcoming committee that greets you into an unbreakable cycle of wake, eat, work, eat, sleep, wake, work on and on for circles that loop infinitely until your inevitable death, however close or far away.

Sometimes you wish to take deserved revenge. You blame your alarm clock for every bad day. If only you had stayed asleep.

But, trust me, one day you will get your revenge. You will one day decide that enough is enough and you will take a sledgehammer and smash your alarm clock until nothing is left but the remnants of shattered dreams, long ago shriveled and withered and so very brittle.

And you will sleep for as long as you want.

Gum

My favorite flavor of gum is cinnamon, of course. Everyone should love cinnamon gum. (I also have cinnamon toothpaste.) A close second is mint-flavored.

I hate fruit-flavored gum. Just…Ew. Watermelon is the worst. Watermelon is like a combination of a random lifeguard’s stolen fruity perfume/cologne and all the mushy bits of watermelon that no one likes.

I also despise bubblegum-flavored gum, but it’s located a hairsbreadth above fruit on my gum list. I used to chew Bubble Dubble a lot, though. Bubble Dubble’s bubble-blowing capability is superior to all other gums (but the flavor sucks).

I remember once, in second grade (second grade was an intense year), I discovered this new type of gum. I’ve only had this gum once in my life (that time in second grade), but it’s still my favorite of all gums. So anyway, it was sour on the outside and obnoxiously sweet on the inside. But it was the perfect amount of obnoxious to be lovable. But the thing that truly made this gum shine was its bubble-blowing potential. It’s way better than Bubble Dubble.

It was green.

Anyway, so I was chewing this gum and I blew a giant bubble. It was the size of my head. It was brilliant. It was amazing. It was wonderful.

I quickly went to show my parents my terrific bubble-blowing skills before it deflated.

It popped on the way and covered my entire face with gum.

It was in my hair.

I just couldn’t get it out.

 

I remember chewing that gum for a ridiculously long amount of time before that final pop. I wanted it to last as long as possible because there was only one piece. It tasted horrible. It was probably for the best that I was forced to let it go.


So now let’s get to the whole point of this random post.

GUM ON THE FLOOR/STREET/GROUND/ETC.

It’s despicable.

We all hate it.

It’s worse when it’s inside a building.

We’ve all ruined our shoes.

Our prized flip flops.

SO STOP!

 

~~~END

It’s Kind of Like Cinderella! (A Short Story)

Today (actually yesterday), I wrote a story based off of and including eight randomly generated words. The story took a very odd turn.

So here are the eight words:

bucket ~ first on the bucket list!

miniature~ yay! cute things!

summon~ the first thing I think of is an exorcism.

herbs~ pickle, pineapple, strawberry!

beg~ so it’s gonna be about a poor street rat.

shoes ~ red heels have such a lovely aesthetic to them.

purring~ meow, meow.

seduce ~ I’m going to have fun with this one!

It’s Kind of like Cinderella!

“Oh, Maria!” Kara’s cheeks lowered into a fiery bliss, “Look at these new shoes!”

Maria watched her go tap tap with her heels in moonlight, enjoying the sliding reflection on the tips, but even more so the toes tucked inside them. She sighed hollowly; the sight of her feet was enough to seduce her.

Cautiously, Maria took her hands and brushed them against the shoe, noting the pure quality of plastic but also the mere millimeter she was away from touching Kara’s ankles. She could feel herself heating up already, desire welling up in her veins. All she would have to do is lower the bucket.

“Do you like them?” Kara purred softly.

Maria blinked twice. Surely she was imagining things, since her friend never was this appealing before. Was it her perfect feet summoning her? Those baby-like miniature red nails?

“It’s nice,” was all Maria managed to say.

It was as if the stars of Paris, France were ready to supernova in her chest. Her thumb teetered on the edge of the plastic just about ready to touch Kara’s skin, to build a portal to unlimited toe grazing. Oh my, Maria thought in pleasure, I just need to move my finger! Why won’t it move!

Kara stepped away to look at the stars above them, grinning, “It’s so pretty out here.”

Maria’s hands clenched the brick bench she was sitting on, a cold, hard floor to bring her back to reality. Still, the girl hoped, taking on this idiom she learned recently, If it’s called being between a rock and a hard place, where is the rock? The flame of desire didn’t go out yet; Maria would do anything to touch those feet.

For some odd reason, Kara’s voice seemed more poetic rather than the usual squeal, “I know this is weird, but can you…” A clumsy poet begging for money, but the nonetheless, she continued, “give me your…”

“What?” Maria questioned. Did she want to swap shoes? Jackpot!

“…Your feet?” Kara’s face beamed bright pink, “Please! I know it’s weird! I just want to touch them, maybe take a picture? Just for a bit!” she begged.

A new fresh-herb confidence waded over Maria as she kicked off her tennis shoes, stomping to her goal. She gently took off her friend’s heels, placing them on the cement, making sure to caress the undersides of her toenails while she was at it. Kara gave her private smile, urging her to go ahead.

THE END.

Boredom

Boredom is infectious, there is no doubt about that. Once a single person catches it, it just goes on to someone else, little by little, before the whole place is painted with the expression of “meh”.

As the certified doctor I am, I will diagnose symptoms of this viral disease and finally find an end to the epidemic.

Let’s start with an example:

A group of girls are sitting on a bed. They talk up a storm, singing even with cheeks red, drunk on the fun they are having. Then one girl says she needs to go and eat dinner. Once she comes back, everyone looks at her with jaded, grey and boring expressions while two tap along on their phones and the other is staring blankly at a wall. The girl who went to go eat (let’s call her Spinette) pales, seeing the disease take over her dear friends.

Her eyes dart around the room, searching for the boredom starter. First, her pupils land on the phones resting like kings in two girls’ soft hands. But then she remembers singing a Kpop song with her friend with earbuds and a phone. She looks closer at one of the songs her friends are listening to.

Dean’s instagram. The song details the separation one feels when on his phone from the rest of the world and how miserable he feels. However, Spinette loves the song. Why would it plunge anyone into boredom?

Next, her eyes land on Fishy, the other girl on her phone. She is doing a role-play sort of game that involves long texts of story. Jokingly, Spinette waggles eyebrows and says,”You texting your boyfriend?” She adds an unhinged “rrr” to the sentence to make it extra flirtatious.

“No! I’m doing a role-playing game,” Fishy cries.

“I heard he’s pretty hot.”

Ignore.

“I’m quite jealous,” then she says, “You doing it tonight?”

“Oh Morgan Freeman, Spinette! You need holy water!” She freaks out at my implied statement and throws a post onto Wattpads that I need holy water, whatever that is.

And boredom ensues.

So Spinette keeps on joking, hoping it would take the boredom away, but it doesn’t go, not even after she leaves.

Ever since that incident (which was yesterday) I have been determined to find the root of boredom and cure it.

After extensive research I have discovered that boredom blossoms by routine, by doing something over and over again, or keeping things the same. The two constant things in that bedroom were the Hamilton music playing on the speakers and the arrangement of which we were on the bed. So Trapezoid (one staring at the wall) must have gotten bored by the Hamilton music or the arrangement and that spread onto to Mew (one listening to Dean’s instagram) and that spread onto to Fishy.

But it didn’t spread to me.

I was lying down next Fishy, one of the people infected. I was touching her skin! (She’s really warm) But it didn’t spread.

Maybe it was because I was making jokes. By this logic, joking around, keeping oneself occupied is sort of vaccine. It’s like a flu shot people get at the doctors. You get a flu shot to prevent the flu, not to cure it.

So keep yourself occupied this winter to chase away the boredom!

Mellow Yellow Episode 18: The Hardware Store

 

ZHAN screams in frustration as he tries to pick up a wrench, but it falls through his ghostly hand. ARA watches with an amused half-smile on her face.

ARA: Just use a ghost wrench.

ZHAN: (Looks at ARA like she just said that bacon could fly.) What in the pickle bottom is a ghost wrench?!

ARA: (says slowly like she is talking to an idiotic giraffe) It is a wrench for a ghost. It won’t fall through your hands.

ZHAN: (rolls his eyes, but seems vaguely interested) And where do I acquire this so-called “ghost wrench”?

ARA: The ghost mall of course!

ARA grabs ZHAN’s hand and flies up through the ceiling. They continue north until they reach the Imoloupe Desert Sand Falls. They fly through the sand and somehow end up in a ghost mall. Everything is transparent and foggy.

ZHAN: Whoa!

Ara: (Smirking) To the hardware store!

 

At the hardware store

 

ZHAN: (picking up a wrench) Whoa. I can touch this. How I’ve missed touching things. (Turns to ARA) Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?!

ARA: (Shrugging) You didn’t express your dislike of being a fluid surrounded by solids.

ZHAN: (scoops up an armload of tools. Turns to the rest of the tools still on the rack) I shall be back soon, my pretties.

 

At the checkout counter

 

ZHAN: I want to buy these precious tools. (Holds out a wrench for scanning porpoises.)

CASHIER PORPOISE: Is that corn? (muttering to himself) I didn’t even know we sold corn.

ZHAN opens his mouth, but ARA cuts in.

ARA: Yes, you do sell corn, and we would like to buy this armload of corn.

CASHIER PORPOISE: So much corn! What are you planning to do with it if not eat it?

ARA: Build fancy gadgets.

CASHIER PORPOISE (muttering to himself): I didn’t even know that corn could do that!

ARA: Corn has ways of surprising people, doesn’t it?

CASHIER PORPOISE: Yes, yes. Of course. (Slides forward a little rectangle.) Please lick this.

ZHAN: What, why?

ARA (impatiently): They don’t have money in the ghost world. You have to pay by giving them a piece of your DNA.

ZHAN: But ghosts don’t even have―

ARA: Just lick it.

ZHAN: But it’s so unsani―

ARA: Just lick the dumb rectangle!

ZHAN: But―

ARA: JUST LICK IT!

CASHIER PORPOISE (Cowering behind the counter): Here, take all the money! Take all the rectangles! Take the old ugly guy, for all I care! Just please, spare me. I’ll give you all our corn.

ARA: That’s not―

ZHAN: Give her all your corn!

 

~~~END

 

The Liebster Award!

Hello nonexistent readers!

We’ve been nominated for the Liebster Award by the lovely teaandbeesandthings. Do check out the blog. It’s wonderful and funny.

Ze Rules:

  1. Acknowledge the blog who nominated you for this award.
  2. Answer 11 questions the blogger gave you.
  3. Give 11 random facts about yourself.
  4. Nominate 11 blogs.
  5. Notify them.
  6. Give them 11 questions to answer.

Why 11?

Anyway, on to the questions!

1. If you could say one thing to the you of 2028, what would you say?

Why only one thing? Why not a conversation? And what is considered a thing? Is it an entire conversation? A single word?

For the purposes of answering this question, I will assume that “thing” refers to a single piece of advice. But if so, wouldn’t it make more sense for my future self to give me advice? But doing so might change the future. Unless, of course, the future me also got advice from the future future me when she was young. But that means that I got advice from myself for an infinite number of times and that doesn’t make any sense because who would have given me the advice in the first place?

I would probably say, “Always and forever love mint chocolate chip ice cream.”

2. You have just won the billion dollar lottery. What is the first thing you do?

Scream, probably. In joy, not fear. Then I would buy a ton of trees and land and plant an enchanted forest. If you were wondering what the second or third, or even fourth, things would be, I would buy more books, go to Disney World, and donate to a charity that supports the environment. And buy chocolate.

3. What’s one thing you would change about yourself?

There’s not really much I would change about myself. I am already perfect. But, I do have black hair, and black hair absorbs a lot of heat in the summertime. With slight exaggeration, it gets hot enough to fry an egg. But I like my black hair, so I’d make it so black doesn’t absorb as much heat.

But really, that’s not changing something about myself, that’s more changing a property of the color black.

4. One thing you would never change about yourself?

My inability to sing because that means that (a) I appreciate other people’s songs better and (b) when I sing along to other people’s songs, it annoys my brother a lot.

5. What would you like your last words to be?

This is a rather morbid question.

“Mint chocolate chip has been my one true love.”

6. The best film you’ve ever seen? Why?

I don’t really watch that many movies. Currently, my favorite movie (I’m pretty sure “movie” and “film” are the same things) is Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. I don’t know why. I just really like it. But the first time I watched it, I hadn’t read the Harry Potter series yet, so I had no idea what was going on and it was my favorite movie anyway.

7. What is one thing you will never get tired of talking about?

Either Six of Crows or Global Warming.

8. Which punctuation mark is your favorite? (Like, ‘!’, ‘.’, ‘?’, etc.)

My favorite punctuation mark is: the colon. I love: using them incorrectly.

They are also: a necessary aspect of emojis.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

9. A lie you’ve told someone?

I’m a bad liar.

😉

(I know I used a semi-colon there. *Sigh.* But colons sadly cannot be used to form winking emojis.)

10. Something you wish you knew before that you know now? (Essentially, what would you tell your past self?)

“Don’t waste your time being serious.”

11. You are in a blackened room. You cannot leave. A single spotlight shines on a metal table. A man in a rubber horse mask steps forward and places two things upon it: a lilac washable marker and a plastic, orange Mardi Gras bead necklace. Which one do you pick up? Why?

I probably wouldn’t pick up either. “Never take lilac washable markers or plastic, orange Mardi Gras bead necklaces from a man in a rubber horse mask” is a moral from a well-known cautionary tale that I live by.

But if forced to take one, my choice would depend on the horse-masked man.

If he is the antagonist of this story, then I would take the necklace because that’s a much better item to use as a weapon than the marker because it can be used as a choking device.

If he isn’t the antagonist, then I would take the marker because I generally dislike those beaded necklace things.


11 Random Facts About Myself

  1. My favorite bands are Imagine Dragons and The Score.
  2. I have never tried coffee.
  3. I like to draw.
  4. If I were contemplating about starting a collection of some sort, I’d probably collect either chapsticks, spools of thread, or mugs with funny quotes.
  5. I didn’t read Harry Potter until 2017.
  6. I lack a favorite number or color, although I do prefer some over others.
  7. I want to grow up to be The Supreme Leader of The Universe. (Everything would be better if everyone always listened to me, anyway.)
  8. My least favorite motion is that of worms.
  9. I suck at poetry.
  10. I love Mint Chocolate Chip ice cream.
  11. The darker the chocolate, the better.

11 Nominations

  1. Jina S. Bazzar
  2. It’s Just a Restless Feeling
  3. Wallflower Wife
  4. All ‘Bout Them Books and Stuff
  5. Illuminati Gone Wild
  6. Kelly | Another Book in the Wall
  7. Noel White
  8. Megha Bhargava
  9. Sophia Ismaa Writes
  10. haveyouevernoticedblog
  11. Erik McManus | Breakeven Books

11 Questions!

  1. If you were suddenly given the power to create your own planet, what would it be like and what creatures would inhabit it?
  2. You’ve created a new color and you can use other colors to describe it. What do you do? (Like, you can’t say “it’s blue-ish with a touch of yellow” or “it’s the color of sparkly dandelion fluff”)
  3. Would you rather eat nothing but [insert most hated food item] for the rest of your existence or bathe only in mud for the rest of the year.
  4. You are making a new signature perfume. What does it smell like?
  5. You decide to invent a new writing utensil. What does it look like?
  6. You want to plant a garden, but you are absolutely terrified of worms, what do you do?
  7. You are at a concert. The band has slept in and missed their flight. Because of this, you are forced to sing on stage in front of a million raging fans, desperate to listen to their favorite band perform and they are stuck with you. They are armed with tomatoes. And you are tone-deaf and the only song you know is “Mary had a Little Lamb.” What do you do?
  8. What’s your favorite color?
  9. Write a guide on how to do the thing that you are the most unskilled at.
  10. You are making a company, but you want to do something creative. What does your company create?
  11. You get a letter in the mail. It says that you won a raffle that you don’t remember entering. It says you’ve won a million dollars and a miniature pony. All you have to do is go to a warehouse alone in the middle of the night to collect your prize. The letter seems official. What do you do?

Lays Potato Chips: A Rant || (And Netgalley)

This was inspired by a post of Spinette’s that I found in the trash. So yeah, credits go to Spinette.

So before I rant about Lays Potato Chips, I going to rant about Netgalley for a bit (a really little bit, don’t worry. You’ll get to your grease slices soon enough.)

So I was going to finally sign up for Netgalley today (Well, yesterday, when I’m writing this) because they have Tess of the Woods on there, a book I really want to read but hasn’t come out yet.

So I filled out all their blanks and then it asks for my birthday, so I’m scrolling through the years available, and it stops at 2000.

ARACHNID RAGE!

You have to be 18?!

People younger than 18 like to read, too!!

(A note: The lower limit of the years was 1918. What about all those 101-year-old book reviewers out there? Can’t they participate either?)

 

Okay, okay. Lays chips.

Hmm…

What if I do this rant thing in the form of poetry? I’m practicing my poetry.

 

Warning: Bad Poetry Ahead

Lays, oh Lays

A bag three-quarters full of air

25% chips

You’re ruining the world

Polluting the Earth with excess plastic

 

You’re terrible in ways more than one

People crave your misleading snappish crunch

And fill themselves up with grease and salt

 

Oily fingers

~~~~End

 

(My favorite chips are Pringles.)

What’s In My Purse?

I’m not one to flaunt around my femininity, but when I do, it’s with a purse. Some girls don’t like purses, but within my purse, I always have things that I need, such as earbuds for when the insides of my ears get cold, chapstick for glossing my always-dry lips, or spare change for a nice jingling sound at Christmas, only 11 and half months away.

So, what do I have in my purse?

  • My phone
  • My ID
  • Three mechanical pencils
  • Two Chapstick
  • A random highlighter I stole from an office
  • Spare change (eight dollars, six quarters, five dimes and two pennies)
  • A single dream-catcher earring
  • Two pens (one used to write in blue, but it is out of ink)
  • A scrunchie that I never use
  • Earbuds
  • My “bookmark” (basically a hollowed bag of gummies folded hot dog style to serve as a page holder)
  • A purple eraser
  • And a paper for some dentist thing

Honestly, I don’t remember what the paper is for exactly. It’s for the smiles are everywhere program that helps people with no dental insurance. But I have dental insurance…

It was actually for getting the free mints they were serving with the papers.

Six of Crows

After a good month of Arachnid stuffing this book in every sentence she spoke and down my throat, I’d decided to read it.

And I did. It was amazing.

The first comment I would like to make is that none of the parts in this book went by slowly. Everything was interesting, from every nook and cranny of the pages, nothing was boring and it kept me entertained! The characters were awesome, the setting was brilliantly described and the plot was difficult to predict. I think this was one of the only books that I did not get bored of at one point and I got bored of Harry Potter, so this is a very fun read.

Because I don’t like writing summaries here is one I got off the book:

Ketterdam: a bustling hub of international trade where anything can be had for the right price—and no one knows that better than criminal prodigy Kaz Brekker.

Kaz is offered a chance at a deadly heist that could make him rich beyond his wildest dreams. But he can’t pull it off alone…

A convict with a thirst for revenge. Matthias
A sharpshooter who can’t walk away from a wager. Jesper
A runaway with a privileged past. Wylan
A spy known as the Wraith. Inej
A Heartrender using her magic to survive the slums. Nina
A thief with a gift for unlikely escapes. Kaz?

Six dangerous outcasts. One impossible heist. Kaz’s crew is the only thing that might stand between the world and destruction—if they don’t kill each other first.

My favorite character is all of the six outcasts, Kaz, Inej, Nina, Jesper, Wylan and Matthias because they are so fun to see fight and become friends with each other, but have terrible backstories that give their moral greyness a deeper meaning. Also, the characters avoid the stereotypical Power Ranger stereotypes that teams from other books and movies usually fall into.

They have great times with each other but are still unpredictable due to past conflicts and layered backstories that really make them do something evil, like be able to kill everyone on the team, but still have a reason. Matthias actually plotted to kill someone on the team because she betrayed him in the past and was part of a race he disliked, but ends up doing something really unpredictable instead.

All the characters have awesome motivations too and revenge plans to seek out which makes their goals worth it. (start spoiler) I especially liked the scene with Inej climbing the incinerator because it seemed like an hot, boiling (ha ha puns) anime fight scene where the main character gives it his all and won’t give up due to sheer stubbornness even as the villain gets stronger and stronger. As the soles of her shoes are burning off, Inej still climbs up the incinerator unable to stop amidst the flames which shows off her super hero-like determination. (end spoiler)

(all of this is a spoiler)

Another part I enjoyed was when Nina, the Heartrender sacrifices herself to the drug like substance jurda parem to gain more magical power and save the team from a whole army of soldiers. During that chapter, my eyes were glued on to the pages wanting to know what would happen next. Would Nina be spared from the addictive affects of two doses? Or would she die after she killed the soldiers?

(end spoiler)

I have no way to end this review so…

Wylan x Jesper for life!

A Stream of Thoughts|Beards

Hello nonexistent readers!

These posts where I just write down whatever I’m thinking turned out to be a lot of fun, so I’m turning it into a series!

Yay!

It will be called “A Stream of Thoughts”.

Today’s word is “beard”.

Do people wash their beards with shampoo? I mean, it’s hair. Or do they use soap because beard hair isn’t on the head?

Or do they have special beard soaps?

If so, why is it beard soap and not shampoo? But I said soap, so it could be shampoo. Or it could be something else entirely, like zingblitelle. But both soap and shampoo start with an “s”, therefore, it only makes sense that the beard-washing substance would also start with an “s”.

So it would be “singblitelle”.

What happens if one thought leads to two others? How would I organize that in a post? Could I make a flow chart?

How would I make a flow chart?

I’m straying off the topic of beards. But I don’t know all that much about beards. I don’t have one. “I don’t have one” made it sound like a beard is a pet. I suppose it could be. Pets are furry. Beards are furry. But what is the beard equivalent of a fish or a cactus?

Dumbledore has an impressive beard.

Do people brush their beards? Are there special beard brushes?

I met a man who braided his beard once. He was nice.

I know that there was a man long ago who died because of his beard. I’m not entirely sure if I accurately remember all of the facts, so I probably shouldn’t put my possibly incorrect information on the internet, but oh well.

So there was a man long ago who died because of his beard. His beard was really long and he’d keep it in a little pouch, but one day he didn’t put it in his pouch and then he was running for some reason or the other. I can’t remember why he was running, though. Was he running just for the fun of it or away from something? If I had to guess, I would say he was running away from something and that something might be a fire. Not sure though, so don’t quote me.

But anyway, he was running and he tripped on his beard and snapped his neck.

Beeeeeaaarrrrds.

Pirates have beards.

My old math teacher had a beard.

Dumbledore has a beard.

Let’s talk about Harry Potter now. So I read Harry Potter over the course of 2017. I was pretty late to the game, as most of my classmates had read Harry Potter in either third or fourth grade. So while I was in the process of reading it, for some reason, it seemed as though everyone was talking about nothing but Harry Potter. Specifically, who died. So before I finished Harry Potter, I had a list of everyone who died and who lost their ears.

Going back to pirates. I haven’t read many books about pirates.

Well, I’m going to end abruptly now. I haven’t been able to find a good way to end these posts yet. I mean, a stream of thoughts will continue on and on for hours.

 

P.S. I know the picture is a mustache and that a beard and a mustache are different things. But I just really like that picture. And you know what? It’s close enough.

Mellow Yellow Episode 16: Proposal

ZHAN and TICK are in the living room, watching a movie called Downside Up: The Horror of an Uninteresting House.

TICK snores.

ZHAN: Tick, wake up. This is the best part!

TICK: It’s so late… (blowing mucus bubbles)

ZHAN: But this is the perfect time. The stars are shining, and look, there is your favorite one now!

TOCK climbs on the ceiling in a silver suit.

TICK: I’m sleepy…

ZHAN winks at TOCK.

TOCK lights the TV on fire.

TICK: Oooh! Look at how realistic this is! You are right, Zhan, this is the best part!

The fire is spreading around while TOCK is eating some popcorn in the corner.

TICK: Special Effects! (Starts to fall asleep, almost collapsing in the fire)

ZHAN: I will save you! (Takes her in his arms and uses the conveniently placed rope to swing her out of the zone of the fire.)

TICK snores.

ZHAN (Using the also conveniently placed fire hydrant to put out the fire): It’s gone now, love.

TICK snores.

ZHAN: Tick? (cries) Are you alright? Tick?

TOCK provides dramatic lighting.

ZHAN: NOOooooo OoooOooooOoOO OoOoOooOoooOOooOooO OoOoooOOo oOooO O!

TICK: Your scream has awoken me, Zhan.

ZHAN: Tick! (Hugs TICK)

TICK hugs back even though she doesn’t know why she is hugging him.

ZHAN: After this frightening occurrence, I have seen how much you mean to me. (Secretly reading off lines written in his jeans pocket.) So will you do me the honor of marrying me? (Holds up a ring made out of Tick’s hair.)

TICK: Of course…

ZHAN: Really! (genuinely surprised) You will?

TICK: Not.

ZHAN: Oh yeah, there’s Tock, right?

TICK: Not.

 

*A while later*

 

TOCK (dragging TICK away as she goes to sleep again): You didn’t really mean that, did you?

TICK (sleep talking): You are a very nice star.

 

~~~END

 

Mellow Yellow Episode 15: Outside In

TICK, TOCK, and MASTER are selling Outside In novels in the busy streets of Almuerzo.

TICK: Buy them fresh from the counter! Get some copies of Outside In today!

TOCK: Yes, this book will always keep you on your toes!

MASTER: EVEN IF YOU DON’T HAVE ANY! (becomes a ghost)

LENA walks up to the stand wanting to purchase some books while JOHN follows her, scoffing at how bad it is.

LENA: Can I have one?

TOCK: Sure! Tick, can you grab one for her?

TICK: Here. (holds up Outside In: The Guide To Indoor Gardening)

JOHN: What! I thought it was just Outside In!

LENA: (Raises eyebrow) What in the world is that?

MASTER: We don’t have that title, but, if you want, we have free Masters!

JOHN: Ooooh! Plushies!

TOCK hands him a Master Lock.

LENA: Can I have one too?

JOHN cries, dying his hair a light purple color

ZHAN: YES! (shaves him bald)

JOHN cries even harder.

 

~~~END

Showers

So today, I was looking at some random meme:

Image result for random things

Since everyone gets inspiration from memes, I decided to make a post about my own shower time limits.

When I was a small hatchling, my mother used to do this thing called Towel Time and showed me proportions of time passing using a towel. Each time she showed me this, she told me to spend less time in the shower since I was in there for too long. And I mean, extremely long—to the point to where I become a human prune!

Seriously, this meme dude has a firm grasp on this Towel Time concept because I don’t know anyone (besides the Grand Master Of the Towels, my mother) who would shower for such a short amount of time. When I step into the shower, time seems to just slip away as my fingers prune. To me, it’s like a drug—once you start, you can’t stop. Towel Time would be the creepy cigarette commercial after I’m done.

Now, let me break down the things I actually do in the shower.

Unlike the meme, I do not have the brain capacity to reflect on the universe and instead sing an odd blended combination of Kpop, the Heathers Musical, Disney songs and the National Anthem of the U.S.A. (I just really like singing the National anthem okay?). Also, bits of other pop songs I like on the radio are stuffed in as well. This takes about 70% of my shower time.

Before I start to sing, I talk to You for awhile and fantasize about situations could never be in. Of course, this is the other 29% remaining plus the other 1% dedicated to actually doing things that are supposed to be done in these water hubs.

Yep. Time Management.