Grandma got run over by a reindeer…
Everyone has heard of this song, but do we know how much actually rings to be true? Each year, about a half million people get run over by various types of reindeer, mostly during Christmas to New Year’s Eve (www.thisstatismadeup.org). According to this news story, reindeer attacks are very traumatizing and should be avoided. These people in the report state their case, as reindeer can be fierce with tough hooves and claw like antlers. Vicious Reindeer
So how do we avoid such terrible threats? By eating chocolate? By staying inside? By not believing in Santa?
Step 1: Wear protective clothing!
Make sure you stand out from the ground, whether it be snow or grass. The only surefire way to do this is by wearing bright neon orange, because as we all know, red is simply not original. Reindeer look for generic-ism, for people who don’t stand out and look like scrumptious berries on mistletoe. If you wear white or green, you are automatically cast out as a landing pad for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve. Other colors do not work because they are acceptable to wear in public and Santa will frown at his generally distasteful costume once looking at you, and we don’t want to hurt Santa’s feelings, do we? Santa has insecurities too and wearing neon orange will remind him that at least someone has a more terrible suit than him. Of course, do not actually dress up as Santa because the real Santa will see you as a dirty fraud to his expertise and chase you (I know this from personal experience).
Step 2: Keep away from all carrots, apples, mushrooms and greens at all costs!
These foods are the favorites of the reindeer and should not be eaten during the holidays. Besides, they are green booger slop as mentioned by previous post. (Except apples— they are chainsaws.) By keeping these foods away, you not only benefit your diet, but your lower your chances by getting run over by a reindeer. But, if you do have to go near these foods, here are some disposal methods I recommend:
- Giving a sleigh ride to your food into a nearby potted plant
- Throwing it outside and covering it with snow (built a snowman over it—I’m sure the reindeer will smash it)
- Trade plates with a particularly annoying family member or friend
- Hanging the food by a noose
After you’ve disposed of the food, it is best that you completely disinfect yourself. Shower in Febreeze and tomato juice, but make sure you keep that neon orange jumper on!
Step 3: Refuse to go to any place with reindeer, caribou, horses, zebras, giraffes, or donkeys!
If you have been a sinful little Johnny this year (which I can assure you, by reading TheWebWeavers, you are), reindeer will try to hunt you down! By using whatever relations they have, they will find you and attempt to break your head open, so please keep away from all reindeer-like creatures. If you can, lock yourself in an empty room, or if you get lonely, lock yourself in a room of aquariums. That way, you are isolated from all the land animals and all possible carriers of the reindeer relations. Bring any type of food you want, except the foods mentioned above and eggnog into the room, because you’ll probably be in there for quite awhile. Also, break your phone—I heard the reindeer are getting better with tech nowadays.
Step 4: Believe!
Like the news report highlighted, believe in Santa, his elves and most importantly, his reindeer. I heard that Santa will give a good pummel of reality to anyone who doesn’t believe in him. Honestly, I don’t blame the guy! He’s been watching you all year and most people don’t even give him one day to revel in his achievements! That’s why Santa has reindeer henchmen, ready to hoof you into the snow. As an extra tip, don’t make snow angels, since that is perfect hoofing position for the ones who don’t believe. Their smiles turn into frowns once countered with the shadow of the hoof.
Step 5: Stop at the red light!
I don’t mean the traffic light, silly! I mean Rudolph’s light, shining bright on his nose. Once you see that light, stop right where you are and dart in the other direction, screaming.