The Sunshine Blogger Award

Greetings, people of the universe! I should probably be finishing my summer homework… but here we are.

I was nominated by the unique and awesomazing (which is totally a word) Have You Ever Noticed? You nonexistent guys should check out this hilarious blog that points out all the things you’ve never noticed about your life.


RULES

  1. First of all, thank the blogger who has nominated you and link to their blog in your post.
  2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger.
  3. Nominate 11 more blogs, who you think should be given this award.
  4. List the rules and the logo of the award on your post or in your blog.

THE QUESTIONS

  1. What is one dish you like to cook?I have no idea how to cook. I can make cereal, toast, and pb&j. Of those measly three, cereal is my favorite. (FROSTED MINI WHEATS. GIVE ME.)
  2.  How would you describe your favorite pair of shoes?Suede, tan-colored combat boots with faded soles that haven’t fallen apart yet.
  3. What is the best thing that you did last week?I walked through a forest. (But this “forest” was next to a highway, so the illusion was kinda broken by the sound of the cars honking and rushing around.) It was a ton a fun and it smelled really good.
  4. If you could have lunch with one author (living or dead) who would it be and why?Leigh Bardugo because she created Six of Crows.
  5.  What kind of snack do you like to add to your ice cream?Whipped cream. Whipped cream is basically warm ice cream. My favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip.
    • Also, whipped cream is totally a snack.
  6.  If you could return to any decade and visit a movie set, which would you like to see and why?Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. It’s my favorite movie and I’d love to see the magic in real life.
    • Harry Potter because Hogwarts.
    • I just finished watching Les Miserables yesterday and I loved it, so I’d like to see that set as well.
  7. What is a song that makes you smile?Mama by My Chemical Romance.
    • “Mama, we’re all going to die.” The lyrics just make me happy.
  8. What advice would you give to your younger self?Try cotton candy. I swear you’ll love it.
  9. What is one food you just can’t eat?Mayonaise.
      • Story time!
      • One time, my cousin went to a restaurant with her coworkers and she had pasta with alfredo. She adored it, so she wanted to recreate it for us. Except there was one mixup. She thought that the alfredo was mayonaise. I was skeptical because I HATED mayonaise, but her excitement was contagious, so we couldn’t wait for the weekend when she would make us this delicious pasta. She went out and purchased the igredients and made dinner for the entire family that weekend and she was so proud.
      • But the pasta was heaped with mayonaise and I gagged at the first bite. My dad made me finish the entire bowl.
  10. If you can earn a gold medal in any sport, what would it be and why?I seriously doubt that I’d ever get an aluminum medal in a sport, let alone a gold one. I’m very unathletic. So, my sport is waffle consumption.
  11. What is something you wish you could add to your blog and why?Animations! I don’t have the time or equipment to do them, but I think animations would go wonderfully with a lot of our posts.

Short People Problems

Clocking in at 5’2″, I’m generally regarded as a short person. I’m shorter than most people, so I have to look up when I’m talking to them (but I usually just end up talking to their chins) and I have trouble reading menus or watching plays over people’s heads. You know, the usual slew of short-people problems. (Not that tall people don’t have problems, too.)

In elementary school, whenever we had assemblies, the fifth graders would sit on chairs in the back and everyone else would sit in neat rows on the floor in front of them in descending order of grade with the kindergarteners in the front row. In theory, this is a good idea because older people are taller, right? So, hypothetically, if the older kids sit in the back, they’ll be able to see over everyone else’s heads because everyone else is younger. For me, at least, this didn’t really work out. After kindergarten, I was always seated behind taller, but younger, students, so I never got to see anything. (Another flaw in this plan: those freakishly tall kindergarteners that make me jealous of their height.)

Being short my entire life, I’d come to accept that this is the way it will be forever, no matter how much I hope and wish and stretch and dream.

Until I went to Bangladesh.

It turns out that Bangladeshi people just happen to generally be even shorter than me, and for the first time in my life, I got to experience being tall. I got to look over people’s heads, I got to look straight at (or down at) people when I was talking at them. I got a taste of being tall, all 5’2″ of me.

And I never wanted to go back (to being short). But I’m back in America, the land of tall people, and here we are again, short.

But this isn’t the shortest I’ve ever felt. When I lived in Kentucky, the general population seemed to be significantly taller than the general population of Michigan. When I walked through the hallways, I was stuck staring at people’s shoulder blades instead of the backs of their heads. I had trouble finding my classes because I couldn’t see anything except humans. Whenever I talked to sixth graders, they were always shocked that I was in the eighth grade. Every single one asked me twice to double check and when I assured them that, yes, I am, in fact, an eighth grader, they always responded with a “but you’re so short!” In Michigan, while I am on the shorter side of average, my grade is never questioned.

Warning: This following segment will feel contradictory to the rest of the post.

While I’ve always felt short, I’ve never felt extremely short. As I said, I’m on the shorter side of average.

Mare Barrow from Red Queen, as I recently learned, is a fellow 5’2″.

Mare Barrow, as it states over and over over the course of the four-book series, is extremely short. She barely makes it to the shoulders of most of her acquaintances.

Which begs the question, “How ridiculously tall is the general population of Red Queen?!” and “Was this entire series developed to make me feel bad about my height?”

The Forgotten Blog Ideas

Heyo, peeps!

I’ve had many blog post ideas over the nearly-year, some of them good, some of them bad, and some which never made the cut. As I’m one to go all-out with bad post ideas, the ones that don’t make the cut are usually just too short. Like only a couple sentences long. But I guarantee that those couple sentences are funny and they don’t deserve to rot away in my notebook of blog ideas. So why not mash them together into a disconnected post and let them have a bit of the spotlight?


  • Playing hot potato with ACTUAL hot potatoes. I mean, who even does that anymore?
  • When you think you’ve been eating multivitamins, but they’re actually gummy bears.
  • When I’m angry at someone, I find that it helps to imagine their head as a watermelon and a conveniently-placed hammer in your hand.
  • What if animals had equal rights? What if you hit a squirrel with your car and it died? Would you be charged with manslaughter (squirrelslaughter)?
  • There’s morning people (early birds), night people (night owls), and me: the perpetually tired.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
    • This joke is funny because the listener expects a funny punchline, but the punchline (to get to the other side) is so decidedly unfunny that it’s shocking, and therefore it’s funny.
  • What happened to all the older people in YA fantasy?
  • Nut Ramblings
    • Cashews are my favorite nut
    • Salted almonds are bad
    • Unsalted peanuts are bad
    • So since peanuts must be salted and almonds cannot be salted, peanuts and almonds can’t mix, even though they’re both nuts.
  • bubble cars
  • Is the scent of a freshly mown lawn actually grass blood?
  • Red is my favorite flavor
  • Leave an index card that is decorated and says, “Have a stunning day” in every library book you read for others to find. On the back, write, “Why, today is amazing“.
  • Never stick your hand (or anything else) in the flame. It is not good for your health. (I can’t remember what I meant by this. I don’t get the italics either.)
  • Sayings
    • Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.
    • The only possible motive for asking a question is to see what the other person knows.
    • One must always believe whatever one finds on the internet.
    • One must never have any expectations at all so one will always be impressed with one’s accomplishments.
    • The worse something tastes, the healthier it must be.
  • Emojis that should exist
    • Yellow circle (for when there is no emotion)
    • scowl
    • stick figure
    • bemused expression
    • one with crossed arms
    • half-smile
    • glaring
    • evil witch cackles
    • furrowed brows
  • From what direction do you peel a banana?
  • When I was a kid, I’d rip the heads off of gummy bears and stick them on other bodies. Is that weird?

So welcome to a piece of my mind. If you didn’t already think I was crazy, here’s some more evidence to prove you otherwise.

This was actually really helpful because while I was looking through my notebooks, I found a bunch of good ideas that I haven’t written posts for yet I think!

The Liebster Award

Hello, marshmallows of the universe! I was called upon by the lovely Sophia Ismaa to answer some questions, so answer some questions I shall!

And you guys are marshmallows, so obviously you should be invited.

Because marshmallows are squishy.


RULES

  • Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
  • Answer their questions
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers to motivate them
  • Ask them 11 questions
  • Let them know you have nominated them

Questions

  1. Do you believe in ghosts?
    • Nope. But does anyone want to try convincing me in the comments?
  2. What is your favorite book?
    • As you probably already know, my favorite book is Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. Dudes, this is an amazing book. Don’t question it. Just read it.
  3. What is your favorite film?
    • Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. This is a movie that is equally as amazing as Six of Crows. I cannot wait for The Crimes of Grindelwald. I watched the movie for the first time before I even read Harry Potter, so I was both utterly confused and utterly in love. It’s a beautiful movie.
  4. Who is your favorite celebrity and why?
    • I’m going to answer this question as specifically ‘favorite actor’ because if we throw authors into the mix, this post would be far too long.
    • I love Emma Watson because of all the work she does as an activist.
    • I love Eddie Redmayne because he’s an amazing actor. And dude, Fantastic Beasts.
  5. Who is the most powerful person in your life? (Emphasis on power).

    • It’s not technically a person, but I’m going to go with my head because it makes me do a bunch of things I’d rather not (namely schoolwork) against my will and blames it on my sense of responsibility. Basically, my head is the parent and I’m the kid being dragged on a leash across the sidewalk while throwing a tantrum, but still being dragged all the same.
    • But being dragged is good for you because schoolwork is good for you.
  6. Favorite song at the moment?
  7. What is your dream job?
    • An author/comedian/world-famous lazy person.
  8. Describe your worst dinner party (use your imagination!).
    • I’m wearing a horrible, heavy, itchy, ugly, impractical dress.
    • It’s hot.
    • People are chewing really, really obnoxiously.
    • Spinnette’s not there.
    • It’s in a volcano.
    • The food is really spicy.
    • Everyone is making small talk.
    • While making small talk, people are chewing with their mouths open and the food is going everywhere.
    • All the people there are people I don’t like.
  9. Invent a new word and provide a definition.
    • Bagoozale (noun): Informal term for strong winds that tend to blow cacti into clouds, resulting in cactus-rain.
  10. You are a rapper who has reached worldwide fame, what is your rapper name?
    • Arachnid, but pronounced Arachnid.
  11. Tell us the worst or funniest reason that got you in detention or in trouble.
    • Story Time! So, first, a fact. Elementary schoolers tend to be stupid in the common sense department. No elementary schoolers are excluded. Apologies to all elementary schoolers, but this cannot be denied.
    • So. At our elementary school, in the winter EVERYONE would hunker down and mine ice. We’d form tribes of elementary schoolers, either organized by grade, class, or friend groups, depending on whether people felt like working together. (But, of course, some decided to go lone wolf.)
    • When the parking lot and the paved part of the playground were shoveled, the snow plows would leave the piles of snow on the edge of the playground. Hidden in these hard-packed snow piles were chunks of ice. Elementary schoolers of all ages would use other pieces of ice to chip away at the piles to collect more ice and carefully hide this ice for the entirety of recess.
    • It was hard work and no one really knew what the point was. It was always “We’ll eventually do something with this ice,” but that something was always postponed until everything melted. It’s like mindlessly doing the same taxing, but useless, thing over and over and over again until everything is destroyed then starting over again in an endless circle forever. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like that.
    • The ice-mining elementary schooler tribes would often raid other tribes’ ice-storage facilities (also made of ice), which is why the ice had to be hidden so carefully. Even so, someone always found it, so a day’s work was always reset the next day.
    • Throughout all this mess, no one ever realized the futility of it all.
    • Anyway, one day in first grade, the teacher whistled on her whistle to signal the end of recess, but my friend and I weren’t done hiding our ice and my friend demanded that I help her so I wouldn’t be the reason that someone steals all our ice (even though this is an inevitable fate).
    • So now first-grade me had a difficult choice to make. Teacher or friend? Should I listen to the authority figure or should I succumb to peer pressure?
    • I succumbed to peer pressure and helped my friend shove the ice underneath a pine tree.
    • We were late.
    • I got my first yellow card.

Going off topic now, is peer pressure really always a bad thing? Sure there’s negative peer pressure, which is what everyone tells you to avoid (as you should), but I think peer pressure can be good too. I tried a lot of new things because of peer pressure, like tubing, roller coasters, root beer, etc. that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And while I didn’t really like any of those three examples, I’m glad I tried them so I know what to avoid in the future.


Read More:

Showers

So today, I was looking at some random meme:

Image result for random things

Since everyone gets inspiration from memes, I decided to make a post about my own shower time limits.

When I was a small hatchling, my mother used to do this thing called Towel Time and showed me proportions of time passing using a towel. Each time she showed me this, she told me to spend less time in the shower since I was in there for too long. And I mean, extremely long—to the point to where I become a human prune!

Seriously, this meme dude has a firm grasp on this Towel Time concept because I don’t know anyone (besides the Grand Master Of the Towels, my mother) who would shower for such a short amount of time. When I step into the shower, time seems to just slip away as my fingers prune. To me, it’s like a drug—once you start, you can’t stop. Towel Time would be the creepy cigarette commercial after I’m done.

Now, let me break down the things I actually do in the shower.

Unlike the meme, I do not have the brain capacity to reflect on the universe and instead sing an odd blended combination of Kpop, the Heathers Musical, Disney songs and the National Anthem of the U.S.A. (I just really like singing the National anthem okay?). Also, bits of other pop songs I like on the radio are stuffed in as well. This takes about 70% of my shower time.

Before I start to sing, I talk to You for awhile and fantasize about situations could never be in. Of course, this is the other 29% remaining plus the other 1% dedicated to actually doing things that are supposed to be done in these water hubs.

Yep. Time Management.

 

 

 

 

Ask TheWebWeavers #3 || The Chewer

Sophia Ismaa Writes asks…

My aunt chews so loudly. Like, SO loudly that it sounds like there’s a factory operating in her mouth and every single one of the workers there are French kissing each other. I have told her I don’t like it because it gives me flashbacks to someone in my childhood and it makes me uncomfortable. She refuses to change. What do I do?

There are several courses of action that you can take for this particular problem. You have already attempted the most simple and effective one, asking her to stop, but that did not work. Unfortunately, chewing loudly is something that one often doesn’t realize they’re doing. So asking someone to stop might quiet them down for a minute or two, but then they’re right back to chewing like a lawnmower.

It’s quite difficult to change someone else, so the easiest course of action is to change either yourself or your environment.

  1. Wear earplugs/noise-canceling headphones
    • This option is, of course, a bit rude. But sometimes drastic measures must be taken. However, the drawback to this plan is that it will be quite difficult to follow the conversation. So it is recommended that one becomes proficient in the art of lip-reading before attempting this method.
  2. Avoid eating with your aunt
    • This method is also somewhat rude. But effective. You could claim to be busy or even say you’re eating with other people.
  3. If you are cooking…
    1. Make only Jell-O. It’s hard to chew loudly with Jell-O
    2. Make something like spaghetti that requires a lot of slurping (and other disgusting chewing sounds) to eat. Set the table so you are sitting really close to your aunt, and talk with your mouth full during dinner. Later, while there is still food in your mouth, laugh rambunctiously at your own spectacular joke and throw your arm around your aunt in a fit of giggles. Then just stay there on your aunt’s shoulder for a bit and keep eating, making sure to chew obnoxiously in her ear. Add loud slurping for a bit of pizzaz. If you want to get extra credit, laugh again at someone else’s joke later in the meal and “accidentally” spit a piece of food onto her plate.
      • This labor-intensive solution will hopefully make your aunt become more aware of her own chewing.
  4. Show her this post.

Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers using the Contact Page. Please specify if you want your letter to be anonymous. If you want the world to know who you are (otherwise known as this small corner of the internet), we’ll add a link to your blog to help spread the love.

Texting? What’s that?

LOL. BRB. ABC. TTYL. ETC.

Do you know what texting is? I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do know what it is because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to ask, “How oblivious can a person be?”

No one actually calls anymore. No, no, no. That’s so old-fashioned. It’s all about texting now. The blipipity-bloop-bloop buttons that are pressed to send sentences to other peeps. Like a faster version of email (email *scoffs*—so passé). Often, the buttons are quite small, resulting in numerous vexing typos.

But like good old snail-mail, one cannot convey emotions through simple text as well as one can through phone calls or *gasp* face-to-face interaction. Thus, the creation of the emoji.

This weekend, Spinette and I were sitting on a couch. We were less than six inches apart and yet we were texting instead of speaking. And the reasoning we used to validate this behavior was the lack of emoji in real life.

I mean, it’s not like you can use your face to display emotion. No, no, no. It’s all about that emoji.

Also, it should be noted that we were at an emoji-themed birthday party.

Keyword = emoji-themed.

Phones, phones, phones.

A Brief Example…

You are eating lunch with Friend A, B, and C. But you are currently texting Friend D, who is not there. You are texting Friend D because Friend A and B are group-chatting with Friend E and Friend C is staring off into space and slightly drooling and you don’t want to deal with that drool. Since no one at your lunch table is talking to you, you begin to text Friend D to entertain yourself and complain about Friend C’s drool.

Later, you are eating dinner with Friend D, but you are texting Friend C to talk about how awesome the restaurant is. Friend D gets bored of you not paying attention to him and goes off to another table to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has just walked into the restaurant.

The Solution…

If only you were to strike up a conversation. Then Friend A and B would stop texting Friend E because, honestly, you’re far more interesting than her. Friend C (whose phone was taken away because she refused to do the dishes) is intrigued by your conversation and joins in, ceasing to drool. Now, the drool problem is solved and you, Friend A, B, and C will all get your daily dose of Real Life Human Interaction.

And later, you can hold a proper conversation with Friend D so he doesn’t wander away and get caught up in the mess that is Ex-Boyfriend.

TADA

I am brilliant.

Awesome Blogger Award

Greetings, dear readers. As always, I am extremely behind on tags, so I’m going to try and catch up on them these following days/weeks/months/years/infinity.

I was tagged for this awesome tag by the ever awesome Kiersten. Check out her answers for the tag! They’re hilarious and so very awesome.


RULES

  • Thank the person who nominated you.
  • Include the reason behind the award.
  • Include the banner in your post.
  • Tag it under #awesomebloggeraward in the Reader.
  • Answer the questions your nominator gave you.
  • Nominate at least 5 awesome bloggers and let your nominees know that they’ve been nominated.
  • Give your nominees ten questions.

Behind The Awesome Blogger Award

The award was created by Maggie at Dreaming of Guatemala who stated – “This is an award for the absolutely wonderful writers all across the blogging world. They have beautiful blogs, are kind and lovely, and always find a way to add happiness and laughter to the lives of their readers. That is what truly defines an awesome blogger.”


The Questions

If you could choose any job to have in the world (fictional or real) what would it be and why?

How do people manage to pick one job? This is hard. It’d be awesome to be an author because they get to create worlds and stories and share it with people, who keep these worlds and stories inside of their heads, so it basically kinda almost becomes real. I’d also want to be an artist because they get to make art. And that’s awesome.

Who is your favorite booktuber/blogger?

I have too many favorites.

Why did you decide to start blogging?

The unicorns beckoned me.

I think I’ve mentioned this before, but I started my first blog on a school field trip where they told us to start a blog. Spinette started her first blog on the same field trip. We were in seperate groups, and it just so happened that we both made unicorn-based blogs. It also just so happens that there’s not much to say on unicorn-based blogs and they both died pretty quickly.

We all have literary passports, where is yours stamped the most? 

I want to go everywhere!

But the issue is that while most places are awesome to read about, I’d rather not visit because I’d rather not have near-death experiences myself. I’ll leave that to the professionals.

My passport would be stamped the most with Red London stamps from the Shades of Magic Trilogy.

What’s your Harry Potter name? Use this generator to find out!

Araminta Wood. (A Really Minty Wood. I’m wearing mint chapstick. *Shrugs*)

What are some of your guilty pleasures? Whether they are book-related or not.

  • CHOCOLATE. I’ll eat any kind of chocolate, but I prefer the dark variety.
  • Reading when I should probably be doing homework.
  • Staying up late to finish a book when I should probably be sleeping.
  • Blogging when I should probably be doing homework.

What is something that you love about your blog?

There are many things that I love about my blog.

  • I love connecting with people from all over the world about shared interests.
  • I love being random and writing weird posts.
  • I love how my writing has improved since I’ve started this blog. (Practice makes better, after all.)
  • I love reading the spam comments.

What is your favorite post that you have personally done?

I love Solving all Your Stupid Problems. It’s a perfect example of a really weird post. And I liked feeling helpful, since, you know, I’ve solved all your stupid problems.


I’m Nominating…

I’m just going to sneakily steal all of Kiersten’s questions because I’m currently trying to write seven posts in a day (*nervous laughter*) to schedule for when I go to New York tomorrow for a week for my cousin’s wedding. (*more nervous laughter*) Yeah? Did I kinda accidentally forget to tell you guys and procrastinate on my post scheduling? The answer: Kinda totally yes.

Anyway. On to the nominees!

 

P.S. I also haven’t packed…

10 Things You Need to Know About Feminism

An awesome post from Sophia.

Sophia Ismaa

Feminism is defined as “the advocacy of women’s rights on the ground of the equality of the sexes.” However, for a movement that seeks to create a better world for both men and women, it has received a significantly terrible reputation. Be it calling us “feminazi’s”, man-haters, bra-burners or even simply misunderstanding what feminism means. I’m here to clarify some basic misconceptions about feminism, so keep reading!

new girl

  1. You can be a feminist and be a homemaker. In fact, being a homemaker can be your actual profession. How you choose to live your life is up to you and all that matters is that your profession doesn’t harm others and that you are happy. You cannot complain about a woman not having a “real job” when it doesn’t affect you. If your values centre around being a particular kind of working woman, then do you. They are not obliged to live…

View original post 853 more words

“Where Babies Come From” According to Mini Arachnid

Before my brother was born, I thought that babies were things that people just had or didn’t have. Like hair.

I guess I just never stopped to consider, hey, where did this baby come from? just like I never stopped to consider, hey, where did this couch come from?

When my mom was pregnant with my brother, my parents told me that this future person was inside my mother. *Explosions of insanity* Like, did she eat him? Is that ethically correct? I don’t think I fully comprehended this until she gave birth, though.

I remember the day before my brother was due, my mother was basically a hot air balloon. If the baby is that big, then how does it even get out?

So I asked my mother, “How does the baby get out?”

And my mother and my cousin shared this look and neither of them answered. So I started guessing. “Does it come out of your mouth? That’d be so uncomfortable. Would you be able to breathe? Does it come out of your butt? Is poop a baby?”

At this point, to stop me from going any further, my mom said, “They’re going to cut it out of my stomach.”

This, obviously, horrified me. I imagined some evil cartoonish surgeon taking a huge, rusty knife to my mother and then stitching her back up like a zombie.

I mean, this was kinda true because she had a c-section.

So then four-year-old me kept thinking. Because that’s healthy. What triggers a pregnancy? I decided that it happens spontaneously. Like you’re just eating breakfast one day and bam you’re pregnant and you instantly become a human blimp. But then what’s stopping my mom from having another kid? I was not happy with the first one; a second would be a nightmare.

Little Arachnid: “Mom, what’s stopping you from getting pregnant again?”

Arachnid’s Mom: They gave me an injection so I won’t have any more kids.

Well, okay. Good enough for now.

Until people started asking if Scorpion got his nose from his dad and his eyes from his mom. I understood how Scorpion would get his eyes from his mom because I mean, he was inside her. But how would he get anything from his dad? My dad wasn’t pregnant. Maybe it’s from kissing. Like, in all that icky salival exchange noses are transferred to babies. But no. Then they wouldn’t have actors kissing each other on Good Luck, Charlie because then they’d all have kids! It’s all probably transferred through the air. Because after they get married, the dad and the mom live together, so then air particles are transferred and that’s where Scorpion gets his nose.

 

This explanation worked for me for years until we got back from a baby shower and I started thinking again.

If babies have to be surgically removed from their mothers, what did cavemen and dolphins do? Because they don’t have hospitals.

Babies must come out of their mother’s belly buttons! What else would belly buttons be used for? Right? Right?

Solving All Your Stupid Problems Part 2

You are a cheese hater of the greatest proportion. Excluding lactose-intolerant people, you must hate cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Your twin brother, on the other hand, loves cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Over the years, your extremely differing views on cheese have led to a growing rift between you and your twin and you are now feuding, as you have been for the last 3¾ years. One night, you go to sleep peacefully, safe in the knowledge that your loyal guard of 3½ years is protecting you and preventing anyone from entering your room while you lay vulnerable and unconscious in your bed. But, beyond the boundary of your knowledge, your brother infiltrated your circle of guards three-and-a-half years ago with his trusted friend, Kevin, and tonight is the night that they plan to act and finally end this feud.

When you are sleeping deeply and snoring loud enough to cover any sound a squeaky wheelbarrow may make, Kevin quietly opens the previously-oiled door and rolls in a rusty, squeaky wheelbarrow full of cheese. He surreptitiously pours the cheese over you like Mount Vesuvius surreptitiously poured ashes over Pompeii and Kevin tiptoes out of the room, leaving the wheelbarrow.

You, being a deep sleeper, don’t wake because of the cheese. But you do wake up because you had an unsettling nightmare of being buried alive in bat guano.

There is no simple solution to this simple problem. But, some (not your brother) would say “fortunately”, there is a complicated one. Fortunately, it isn’t too difficult if you hold tight to your wits. This is assuming you had any wits in the first place, of course.

I suppose one could simply dig through cheese, but there’s no thrill in that.

  • Using cheddar, provolone, and your nightcap, create a time-traveling device.
    • If you aren’t of the scientific prowess to achieve this, use pale-colored cheese to create a genie lamp. Rub the lamp and ask the genie for a time-travel device. This should result in the same results, but it’s not preferable because no one likes to deal with fussy cheese genies.
  • Use the time-travel device, however obtained, to travel back in time to when Kevin had just finished putting the cheese in the wheelbarrow.
  • Dispose of the traitor Kevin however you wish, but do it quietly, for word cannot get back to your brother that his plan has been foiled.
  • Dispose of the monstrous cheese as well. I recommend throwing it into a volcano. Cheese deserves no better.
  • Dispose of your monstrous, cheese-loving brother. I recommend throwing him into a volcano.

You are a brand new lifeguard, fresh from the assembly line. You’re not yet familiar with the tricks of the trade, but you make up what you lack with enthusiasm. Life has not yet had a chance to bring you down. You meticulously scan the beach for trouble, hoping in a place dark place of your mind you’d rather not acknowledge that something goes wrong and you can be a hero. With all your attention focused on the water, you don’t notice the curious seagull pecking around your lifeguard chair. Well, at least you don’t notice the seagull until it’s too late.

The seagull leaps into your lap in a flurry of feathers. You, in a state of shock, scream at a high frequency, scaring the seagull, who squawks back at you, frazzled, and scares you further, increasing the pitch of your scream.

The seagull finally gets fed up and hops off of your lap, but he takes your megaphone with him in his beak. The seagull waddles down the beach, the megaphone in tow. About ten yards down the beach from you, he stops and starts squawking into the megaphone. Everyone on the beach covers their ears, protecting themselves from the seagull’s horrible yodeling. You are at a loss of what to do. You’re somewhat terrified of birds, but you’d never admit it, so you need someone to help you. Someone who can either be trusted with your secret or is so oblivious to the world that they’d never figure out your secret without being explicitly told. You decide to go with the latter option and you call your cousin, a professional fisher who lives twenty minutes away.

  • Call your cousin, who happens to be a professional fisher and lives nearby.
  • Wait for your cousin to arrive. Warily watch the seagull while doing so.
  • Order your cousin to catch a fish. This shouldn’t take long as she’s a professional, right?

2 HOURS LATER

  • Most of the beach-goers have left the beach due to the incessant squawking. Your cousin finally catches a fish.
  • Take the fish from your cousin.
  • Dangling the fish on the fishing rod, lure the seagull away from the beach so the beach-goers can return.
  • Make a deal with the human-language speaking seagull to trade the fish for the megaphone.

Assuming the seagull agrees to your fair deal, your problem is solved! If the seagull has become too attached to the megaphone and refuses to trade it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.


Read more: Solving all Your Stupid Problems Part 1

Spring Cleaning Book Tag

Let’s all pretend that this is actually the Summer Cleaning Book Tag because I’m awful at doing tags in a timely fashion and now it’s summer.

I was tagged by the always lovely Sophia Ismaa. Everyone go to her blog and shower her with digital chocolate.


RULES

  • Please link back to Daniel @ Page to Page
  • Respond to the scenarios
  • Tag 5 people (or however many you like)

THE TAG

It’s time to make your bed, but you’re going to have some friends over later and want to pick the perfect book to place on your nightstand for them all to see that you’re “reading”. Which book do you choose?

I choose Six of Crows because I will use every opportunity to shove this book down the throats of every human being I see.

 

Oh no! The house needs dusting, but you just can’t put that book you’re reading down! What book would you buy on audio just so you could continue the story while cleaning?

It probably wouldn’t be fair to pick Six of Crows again… I’ll go with A Conjuring of Light, then. It was unputdownable. Which is definitely a word.

 

Darn it! The ceiling is leaking! Turns out Mass-Market Paperbacks are the best things to soak water up! Which popular book do you use to soak up the water?

Ready Player One because it’s my brother’s book, not mine, and I don’t really care for it either. Undeveloped minor characters, annoying lead, and boring plot is a recipe for a sacrificable book.

 

Bathrooms need a good scrubbing, and your 2007 Cosmos are a little outdated and need replacing. What book do you place in the bathroom for some light reading for when people need to take care of business?

A picture book about potty training.

 

Family is coming over, but you have no idea what to make for dinner! You read somewhere that tearing up the last chapter of a book whose ending you hated and sprinkling it in a casserole dish makes for the perfect meal! Which book do you choose?

The Book ThiefI wish the ending never happened. And if you don’t know what I”m talking about, go read the book right now.

 

Organization is key, right? When it comes time to organize your bookshelf, you realize you have enough room (and money) to get three new books! Which books do you buy?

The Perks of Being a Wallflower, Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universeand The False PrinceThe first two are books I’ve been planning to read for ages, but never got around to, and the third because it’s one of my favorites and I’d love to have my own copy.

 

Finally, some peace and quiet! But, before you can relax, you realize you forgot to send your Aunt a thank you gift for the lovely “ADULT LIFE FOR DUMMIES” book she gave you for Christmas (maybe she’s trying to tell you something?). What book do you send to her to show her how much (this is sarcasm) you appreciate her gift?

You know that picture book about potty training that everyone has been handling while they’re taking care of business? Yeah? That one.


I’m Tagging…

The Wrong Way to Wave

There is only one successful way to wave. You wave at Target Person and Target Person waves back. Your mission is complete. Congratulations.

Unfortunately, there are a lot more ways to fail spectacularly at waving. Fortunately, these failures are often quite amusing (for unattached observers. Definitely not amusing for all parties involved. Mortifying for them).

  1. When you think someone’s waving at you, but they’re actually waving at the person behind you.
    • You were having an awful day (You spilled orange juice all over your jeans, and no matter where you go, people kept asking if you peed your pants), but the cheerful wave from your acquaintance turned your day around. At least someone is happy to see you. You excitedly start to wave back when you notice that your acquaintance is looking at their friend, who is behind you and waving nonchalantly. They also have dry pants. You awkwardly put your hand in your hair like that’s what you meant to do the entire time.
  2. When you think that someone is waving at the person behind you, but they are actually waving at you.
    • You are walking down the hall, deep in thought, when you see an acquaintance of yours in your peripheral vision waving vigorously. As you have low self-esteem, you conclude that no sane person would purposefully wave at you and they must be waving at the person behind you. Having reached this conclusion, you dutifully ignore you acquaintance, allowing the person behind you freely wave without a doubt as to whether they are being waved at. As you continue down the hall, you see your acquaintance’s face fall and they burst into tears. You surreptitiously glance behind you. Did the Target Person not see you acquaintance waving? The hallway is empty. They were waving at you. They are now weeping excessively because of you and now you are weeping excessively because of how guilty you are.
  3. When you wave at someone, but the person behind them waves at you.
    • You are walking down the hall when you see one of your friends. You wave enthusiastically, but they are reading and walking (which is inadvisable) and they don’t see you. A distant acquaintance (you went to kindergarten together, but you haven’t spoken since, although you do acknowledge each other’s existence occasionally), on the other hand, does see you and is waving back at you. Instinctively, you awkwardly wave again, a grimace on your face because of your hand’s betrayal.
  4. When you wave at someone, but they don’t see you.
    • You are walking down the hall when you see one of your friends. You wave enthusiastically, but they are reading and walking (which is inadvisable) and they don’t see you. You awkwardly put your hand in your hair like that’s what you meant to do the entire time.
  5. When you pretend to wave at someone so people don’t think you’re lonely.
    • This one really doesn’t need an explanation.

My Little Brother Applies as a Writer for the Blog

Ahh, summer. Endless days of heat, mosquitos, and boredom. This boredom that comes with summer can inspire otherwise normal people to do crazy, radical things.

Scorpion Weaver, my little brother, has applied for a job at TheWebWeavers. Otherwise known as this blog. I don’t think he completely understands what a resume is supposed to do…

Scorpian's resume

If you can’t read his handwriting, which I assume is most of the human population, I’ll transcribe it here.

Cons for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • Will blame everything on Arachnid Weaver
  • bad at writing
  • Cannot spell properly
  • smells funny
  • will spin if given the opportunity
  • YUM!!!
  • will eat all of you cookies, WHERE ARE You HIDING THEM, I will find them
  • may lose all of your readers
  • will pelt you with questions
  • will ask you for help (make you write the posts for him)
  • his handwriting is very bad.

Pros for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • none

He also wrote a poem…

the bird poem.jpg

A page for...long footed birds!

A very bad poem by Scorpion

 

Birds, they are the living

plane of the sky. Birds they

fly, birds they die. Birds cannot

see glass, oh what a sad

sight. Birds they can be

gross. Birds, they eat worms,

eww! Oh Birds I am sad

to see you go, birds

I wish you could stay

longer, but I must hibernate.

Goodbye birds.


Well, what do you think readers? Should we hire Scorpion?


A Note: I’m currently in Bangladesh for a three-week trip and I won’t be back until July 15, 2018, so I won’t be able to reply to your lovely comments until I get back.

Mystery Blogger Award

I was tagged for this by the amazing Sophia Ismaa Writes a long time ago. Gah, I’m awful at doing tags in a timely manner.


What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

This award was created by Okoto Enigma to celebrate blogs which captivate, inspire and motivate and their respective bloggers who do it with love, passion, and fun.

(That was copy-and-pasted from Sophia’s blog.)


THE RULES

  • Put the award/logo image on your blog
  • List the rules
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself and answer the questions provided by your nominator
  • Nominate 10-20 people for the award
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

Okay, dudes, I’m pressed for time because I’m writing this the day before I’m leaving for a three-week trip and I have not started packing. So I won’t be following all the rules. Sorry.


3 Things About Me

  1. I’m sleepy. That is a personality trait. Like I am the human version of Sleepy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
  2. I listen to My Chemical Romance’s album The Black Parade more than seven times a week.
  3. I love cacti.

The Questions

  1. What is the last book you read that made an impact on you?
    1. The Pact by Jodi Picoult, but I can’t tell you how or why because spoilers.
  2. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? (Weird)
    1. I’m a really picky eater, so I don’t make a habit of eating strange foods. I recently tried Cole Slaw, which I think is really weird.
  3. Name two things about blogging you love and two things that irritate you.
    1. Love: I love making friends in the blogosphere and having in-depth conversations about books.
    2. Irritate: It’s time-consuming (I’m in the process of writing five-ish posts in a row and it’s hard) and WordPress is glitchy sometimes.
  4. Take Buzzfeed’s: Everyone Has a British Food That Matches Their Personality Quiz and post your results, food, and description included!jam roll
  5. Recommend a book in one paragraph (3 sentences max)!
    1. Read Six of Crows. You will love it. Thank me later.

The Best Posts


A Note: I’m currently on a three-week trip to Bangladesh and I won’t be back until July 15, 2018, so I won’t be able to respond to your comments.

Cactus Sitting

Arachnid… I have something to tell you.

My dad dropped one of your cacti. The captain, I think.

I’m so sorry.

Luckily, the cactus is still well after my amazing mother resurrected it from the bowels of death and ants. I was reading The Gentlemen’s Guide to Vice and Virtue, to them earlier to further soothe the captain into his new orange pot (the other one broke). He’s still getting used to it, but he’s getting there.

Also, your cacti seem to enjoy romance novels. They always huddle close and blush whenever a romantic moment spikes up in the story. It’s kind of cute in a way. They like action too, but they don’t really seem to get the concept of “moving around” all that much.

One of the hardest things of cactus-sitting is finding a way to embrace the cactus without getting hurt or hurting them. I usually resort to a gentle pat, like I do when my friends and loved ones get angry, but the urge to hug them is very strong. They are so well behaved! Although Sargent Spike likes to get into some trouble with the windowsill.

I can’t decide on a favorite, but any good cactus-sitter knows that favorites make the other cacti sharply jealous, so I’ll avoid the subject with this post.

Weirdly, I found myself confiding my feelings with them today. They listen so well. (Let’s just say something very bad happened and end it there).

Anyway, I love these adorable cacti! They are so cute, not exactly cuddly and so awesome. You have raised your cacti well, Arachnid.

Ways to fill up sketchbook pages

Sketchbooks are so difficult to fill up.

For me, on average a sketchbook takes about a year to completely fill up. If I’m stuck in my room drawing all day and all night it takes at least a month.

My most recent sketchbook is almost out of pages and I’ve been getting creative with filling it so I can finish it soon. I want to get a head start with drawing in the sketchbook Arachnid gave me, so I don’t forget about it. *looks guiltily at piles and piles of unfinished sketchbooks*

The one good thing that has come out of speed-completing my sketchbook is that I’m now constantly pulling new ideas from my head. (Even if they don’t work out as expected; those are best drawings)

Here are some things you can fill a sketchbook with:

1. Sketches that take up the whole page with no spaces

I know this takes a long time, but it’s fun to do. You can fill the page up with zentangles, random shapes, puppies, doodles, feet–you name it. Usually, I enjoy making these with the adorable versions of things.

2. Cut doodles out from school notebooks or other things

I do this A LOT. Not as much as I do regular drawings, but still it is very normal for me. Plus, it is a very easy and effective way to fill up those very last pages of a sketchbook if countered with artist’s block.

3. Draw the things you are bad at drawing

Hands. Make a page dedicated to hands. Remember that no one will see your sketchbook except you. (Unless you are like me and have societal pressures for you to expose these private treasures.) Even if someone will see your sketchbook, working on the things you are bad at will improve your drawing skills.

4. Drawings inspired by music

I love to listen to music while drawing. Music takes me to another world. Some people think it’s a distraction, but I believe it’s a tool that helps me think of ideas.

5. Write/Paint

Who says that you have to draw in a sketchbook? Writing is a cool way to put ideas down that you can’t exactly draw yet. Painting and coloring can bring a splash of color into it too.

6. Pen Drawings with sticky notes

You might be asking: why sticky notes? I answer with because they are colorful ways to cover up your mistakes. Don’t use them too much or else the point of creating pen drawings is lost.

7. Create comics or short stories with pictures

I used to do this all the time in my old sketchbook. The whole thing was basically a yellow book with maybe ten pages of normal drawings and the rest being comics about a very gassy ninja.

8. Redraw old drawings

I don’t do this that often, but it’s good to do when you are running out of ideas. Generally, I draw sketches from a long long time ago.

9. Page fillers

When there are blank spaces on a page, I resort to page fillers. Those are basically simple, small and easy to draw doodles. Page fillers for me usually include: Exclamations, cats, roses, triangles, circles, squares, rainbows, koi fish and chibi characters.

10. Scribbles

Try scribbling and making stuff out of the scribbles. It’s simple enough.

The Floppiest of Birthday Flops

And so begins the prescheduled posts while I’m in Bangladesh.

This post is a bit different from my usual ones because I’m going to be talking about my real life outside of the blogosphere. Yep, that’s right. I am a real person who isn’t actually a robot inside your computer writing witty posts.

So, as you may know, my birthday was on June 5th. Birthdays are interesting things. Days to celebrate a person’s existence and their aging into a raisin, which is a true accomplishment that most people hope for someday, only to eventually die.

My last two birthdays have been flops as well, so I was hoping for this one to be absolutely amazing. Two years ago, we were in the process of moving from Michigan to Kentucky, so my birthday was somewhat forgotten and I didn’t have a celebration nor party. Last year, my actual birthday happened to fall on the first day of finals, so the actual day was lost in a slew of studying. I did have a party, but it doubled as a going away party because I was moving from one city in Michigan to another city in Michigan the next week, so it wasn’t the happiest of occasions.

I was psyched for this year. (Except for the fact that birthdays force one to confront their own mortality.)

It was floppy. Both my actual birthday and the party.

I feel like I’m being kinda whiney. The intention is for it to be humorous. *Flings humor at you*

A Random Pun From The Internet: What do you call a thieving alligator?… A CROOKODILE. *Ba dum crash* *Crickets*

So as I’m writing this, it’s 6/18/2018, which is also the day after father’s day, which is also the day after my birthday party. I invited about fifteen people. Many of them couldn’t come because of father’s day or other random things they had to do. A couple of people canceled the day before my party.

So overall, we had me, my brother, and Spinette. And we had THREE GUESTS.

And we had three pitchers of drinks.

Ten chairs.

A relatively large cake.

Three pizzas.

And six people, three of whom were me, my brother, and Spinette (people who are obligated to come).

*Crickets*

At one point, one of them asked when everyone else was going to get there.

My response: *Crickets*

We had fun. It was just kinda…awkward.

Am I allowed to have a redo?

(Also, Spinette got me My Chemical Romance and Twenty One Pilots t-shirts along with a new cactus! I don’t currently have a picture of the new cactus because Spinette is cactus-sitting them while I’m in Bangladesh.)

The Weaver Family Has Grown! (And Another Announcement)

Heyo peeps! Finals are finally over. And I didn’t suck!

It’s been a while. I hope you guys liked all those reblogs. There are still a couple left to go through.

But! Exciting news! We got more pets!

 

IMG-0263

My amazing friend got me cacti for my birthday!

The one on the left is Captain Cactus and the one on the right is Sentinel Succulent. And Spinette had an absolutely BRILLIANT idea.

Introducing… The Cactus Army!

IMG-0264

 

Okay… Now to the other announcement.

I know you guys JUST got me back, but I have to leave again on June 20th. We’re going to Bangladesh! *Half-hearted cheer* We’ll be back on July 15th.

In the meantime, Spinette will keep you company and I’ll have some posts scheduled ahead, but I won’t be able to reply to all your lovely comments. (Because there won’t be WiFi, as far as I’m aware.)

What should I write?

I recently got a new notebook. Unlike all my other notebooks, I actually want to fill this one with different stories and things, but I want my entries to be consistent.

I want this notebook for something specific so I don’t throw it away or forget about it.

Also I want each entry to be fast to write so I can do it every single day.

Arachnid has told me to write about our two characters: Tick and Tock. They are sisters that have an odd relationship with one another, weird appearances and peculiar tastes. Tick is the older sister who often delves into trippy, mind-bending worlds when she drifts off to sleep– which is very often. Tock, on the other hand, is the feisty, fiery and very violent younger sister who sports a deadly scythe.

While this is an awesome suggestion, I feel like probably won’t stay with it, especially when the terrible disease *gasps in horror* writing block comes in.

I’ve been thinking to make the journal into a cool thing where I write a one page story a day. With summer coming up, I’ll have some time to write too.

What do you guys think?