Funny Scenarios

I was carefully spoon-feeding my boyfriend the bits of my leftover pizza when my little sister walked by. A piece of pepperoni fell on her head as he refused another bite. My sister made a face. “You people are weird.”

Suddenly, a giant broccoli sprouted up from the ground, spraying dirt all over my neon-plaid farmer’s overalls. I cried, “Stupid carrot!”

I was walking down the street, gulping down an 11.9-inch sub. A cute dog gave me sad puppy eyes, panting for a strip of bacon lolling on the edge of my meal. Those eyes were so adorable that I ended up giving the little dog the whole thing. Of course, puppy eyes sell high on the black market as well.

The large football player walked up to me, grunting like a caveman, “What grade I get on math test, Teacher?” I declared his grade, “A++++++++!” and darted off, hoping that he wouldn’t pound me into the ground for giving him such a terrible grade.

A cat slunk under the bathroom stall, its whiskers brushing against my bare ankle. He chomped at the clipped nails I left for him, purring at the bent metal. “I must be going now, cat.”  I pulled up my shorts and left.

Casually, I slipped out the of the Skee Ball section of the arcade and headed for Pac Man, my favorite game. There was one machine and a fish was taped onto the screen. I took the fish and got 10,000,000 tickets.

The cloaked man relayed the message into my ear, “Thanks for joining this important FES conference. The Flat Earth Society has members all around the globe, just like you.”

I was a naughty kid this Christmas and, as usual, Santa gave me heaps of coal. While my brothers and sisters were opening up their presents, I was wasting my time watching a documentary on global warming and how burning coal destroys the ice caps. Now I know what I’m doing for my New Year’s resolution.

“Mom, it’s cold in here!” My son hugged himself, his teeth chattering from the AC turned all the way up. I turn to him, sighing at his stupidity. “Go to the corner, Jimmy.” I walked him over to the corner of the room. “Why?” he asked, still shivering. I answered, “Aren’t you getting any warmer? This corner is 90 degrees!”

I’m an astronaut. I’ve been missing my family and I want a party when I go back home from this space trip. Up here though, there is no way I could planet.



My Irrational Fears #2

Aside from escalators, I am also incredibly afraid of worms. I am afraid of worms even more so that I am afraid of escalators.

When confronted by an escalator, I panic, but I panic on the inside. When confronted by a worm, I scream on the outside.

I am more afraid of worms than I am afraid of snakes. (But note that I have only been confronted with garter snakes, not cobras or vipers or anything. So to clarify, I am more afraid of worms than I am afraid of garter snakes.)

If a worm stays still (otherwise known as dead), I am perfectly fine. I will calmly walk around the worm (giving it a wide berth, of course. Four feet tends to work well for me). The thing that is most frightening about worms is the way they move. I don’t know why. It just is.

When I was little, my mother had to iron all my socks flat, because if there was a wrinkle in my sock, I was convinced that there was a worm in my shoe.

Once, when I was in kindergarten, we went on a field trip. It is not important where we went, the only thing that you, dear nonexistent reader, need to know is that it was raining. And that worms prefer to come out of their underground homes when it is raining, not when it is hot and dry and sunny.

So we were walking from the bus to the school. Oh, about twenty, maybe thirty, yards of sidewalk. A wet sidewalk. A wet sidewalk riddled with worms.

I stepped from the bus onto the sidewalk, puddles splashing a bit, my tennis shoes soaked through. The path that led back to the dry safety of my school lay before me, infinitely long. I began the trek, following the children in front of me. I stepped delicately around the wriggling worms, stifling my screams.

Every time I gingerly took a step forward, the sidewalk grew tenfold.

But I was succeeding. My progress was slow, but I was overcoming the dangerous worms in front of me. I relaxed as much as I could under the circumstances.

Until the King of Worms appeared.

It was lying across the entire width of the sidewalk, as thick as a sturdy rope, its body rippling slightly as it inched forward.

I stood stock-still and a bloodcurdling scream pierced the air. It took me a moment to realize that the scream was coming from me.

One of the volunteers for the field trip had to carry me the rest of the way. I screamed the entire time.


Weird Thing I Used to Think Part 2

If you haven’t read Weird Things I used to Think (which you probably haven’t, as you don’t exist), you should definitely read it.

Well, anyway, I forgot to add one weird thing that I used to think, as I was a small person quite a bit of time ago and it’s only normal that some obscure details get lost in the back of my mind, buried under piles of other memories and such.

Eating Seeds Will Make You Turn Into a Tree

This one I know a lot of other children believed as well. I think it’s something parents tell their children to try and prevent death by choking. I think that’s a horrifying thing to tell your children. While it wasn’t my parents that told me this, I was extremely frightened of this happening.

When my fear of this reached a peak, to the point where I stayed away from cherries and the like, my father told me that it is false, but around the same time, my cousins showed me a fake website about a man who ate a seed and literally turned into a tree.

So who am I supposed to believe, my father, or a random video on the internet?

Obviously, I chose the internet.

One must always believe whatever one finds on the internet.

So this scarred me and I believed that I could possibly turn into a tree at any unknown moment whilst consuming fruit (because fruit has seeds, while vegetables don’t).

I believed this until fourth-grade when our science teacher told us that plants need sunlight, and air, and water.

Well, I didn’t know about air or water, but I knew for a fact that there was no sunlight in my stomach.

I was really angry at my cousins.

The Catastrophe

It has been pointed out to me by Spinette that I’ve never written a post about her, so I will oblige to her request and write a post about her.

Once, a very long time ago, I was a child, and as I was a child, Spinette was a child as well. But when Spinette was a child she had electric cars that would move themselves, not the plastic cars that you had to walk that I had (Spinette is a year or so younger than me).

So we were out riding her super awesome car one day in her neighborhood, having a ton of fun, but we were too close and the car was too small and too slow and I had to get out, so I got out and walked alongside the car on the way back to her house (at that point we were not neighbors).

And then Spinette ran over my foot.

It was a catastrophe.

Weird Things I used to Think

When I was a child, like most children, I didn’t understand every single aspect of the world I was in. So, to solve this predicament, I created some theories about the world I was in that I was fully invested in.

What is the Universe?

Before I start answering this question, I would like to remind you, dear nonexistent reader, that I completely believed all of this.

So what is the universe? Why does it exist? Why does space exist? Why does anything exist? Why can’t it not exist? What is existence?

There is nothing but imagination. We are actually a world inside of a world. We are the figment of the imagination of some other being we cannot see or interact with.

We are inside a crayon-drawing on a sheet of lined notebook paper, and if one were to take a spaceship to the end of the universe, the spaceship would hit the edge of the paper and stop. It would not be able to go any further because the paper had ended.

Where do Clouds Come from?

The clouds are actually made by planes. Every morning, before I wake up, planes fly through the sky, creating the fluffy wonders we call clouds.

When pilots take the day off, we have cloudless days.

This is also how meteorologists know what the weather is going to be.


Meteorologist: “Hey Pilot, what’s the weather today?”

Pilot: “I made some storm clouds earlier. It should rain.”

Meteorologist: “Great. Thanks. I’ll call you back later. Want to go out for some coffee?”

Pilot: “Nah. I’m good. I don’t drink caffeine.”

Meteorologist: “What about cake? Brownies?”

Pilot: “I actually do drink coffee. I was just trying to politely refuse your offer because I don’t like you and would rather do anything else than spend more time with you than I have to.”



Meteorologist: So cookies?

Pilot: ——

Where does Fog Come From?

When the clouds are too heavy are for the sky, they descend to Earth as fog.


You know how when your eyes unfocus you can see double? I thought that things would actually duplicate themselves for the longest time and once, I spent the entire day thinking that I had switched my feet around.


You know how when it’s dark and you squint at lights the lights kind of spread out? I thought that the light actually got brighter for the longest time. Whenever it was dark and we were driving, I would squint to make the lights brighter and help my father drive.

Characters on TV

We had this large, boxy TV, not a flatscreen, and I used to think that the television characters lived in the TV. Read more about this here.

Magical Car

Small people today have electric cars that can move by themselves when you press the gas pedal. When I was a kid, we had these plastic cars which were like bubbles on wheels with a hole in the floor. So you were to sit in the car and stick your feet through the hole and walk. So basically, it was just walking, but less efficiently because you had to lug a plastic car around you.

Well, this was the type of car the other kids had. My car was powered by magic and moved by itself.

But this “magic” was actually my parents pushing from behind.


What crazy stuff did you believe in as a kid?

My Irrational Fears #1

Like everyone else, I have fears that are completely irrational, which means they make absolutely no sense. This will be a series of posts as I have quite a few irrational fears and stories that go along with them.


I used to love escalators. I would go to a certain place just to ride on the escalator over and over and over. But then, once, I didn’t step perfectly between the lines while it was flat and my heel caught on the edge of the step behind me as it began to rise and while I didn’t nearly fall, or actually fall, it frightened me. This one mishap wasn’t enough to completely eradicate my lifelong love of escalators, but when it happened again, my lifelong love of escalators was completely eradicated.

Once, we were trying to go down an escalator, as most people tend to try with escalators. My father was holding my and my brother’s hands. This was before I realized that I was afraid of escalators.

As we approached the escalators, I began to hyperventilate and generally freak out.

My brother stepped onto the deadly moving staircase first, followed by my father, but my legs had locked into place and they would not move.

The arm that was locked in my father’s hand began to stretch as they moved further down the deathtrap and my father attempted to urge me to come.

My brother nearly fell down the escalator.


Another time, we were visiting somewhere or the other. Niagra Falls or something, I believe. By this time, I had overcome my fear of escalators that traveled in an upward direction, but escalators that traveled in a downward direction still frightened me as much as they had before.

We had gone up to a viewing platform on the second floor using an escalator. I was very proud of having boarded the death trap. But I was stuck on the second floor. I could not get down using the elevator.

The rest of my family had already gone to the lower floor, but once again, my legs refused to walk to the escalator. They were urging from the bottom for me to be brave, to face my fears.

A friendly stranger tried to help me down as well. He held my hand as we prepared to step onto the escalator, but once more, the stranger went down and I remained up… somehow.

My father had to come back up and find an elevator.


Once, after the first story, but before the second, I was forced to face yet another escalator. This was before I had gotten over my fear of escalators that travel in an upward direction.

We were in an airport and a horrifying escalator was looming before me, waiting to pounce.

A nice couple (who were also strangers) attempted to help me up the deadly staircase, but I predictably did not step foot onto the escalator and they went upstairs without me. We once again had to search for an elevator.


I have conquered my fear of escalators that go in an upward direction, but I have yet to completely vanquish escalators that go in a downward direction. I sometimes am able to go on them when I am in a particularly daring mood, which is not often.

If at all possible, I will take the stairs or an elevator.

Nightmareish Dental Care

I went to the dentist today.

It was a generally uncomfortable experience. As you probably already know, I despise it when people touch me. Even if one brushes against me in passing, it takes a great amount of restraint on my part to not scream. So, understandably, it is a nightmare when a stranger is scheduled to put her hands in my mouth. Especially when that hand is holding sharp instruments that could potentially gouge my eyes out.

But, generally, the dentist doesn’t go too horribly for me as I take care of my teeth. I haven’t had a cavity in quite a few years.

And then I go to the dentist today.

And then I go to the dentist today.

I have ELEVEN major cavities.

For which my mouth will need to become devoid of feeling, which means that the dentist will not only have to shove sharp instruments in my mouth, she will have to puncture my gums with an even sharper instrument.

As you probably don’t know, we are working on a series of our irrational fears. My greatest irrational fear is needles.

To fix my cavities, I have to spend two entire days at the dentist (obviously I’ll be sleeping in my house, not at the dentist’s) and I cannot eat before either. I am very cranky when I am hungry. I’d assume I’d be even more cranky when my gums are being punctured with sharp instruments and dentists are stuffing things in my mouth and drilling into my teeth. The dentist will have to watch that I don’t bite her fingers off.

They have to sedate me.

So, dear nonexistent readers, floss your nonexistent teeth.