Sandwiches

Have you ever thought that if one person drops a piece of bread on one side of the Earth and another person dropped another piece of bread at the same time the world would become a sandwich for just a brief second?

I’ve thought about it. Along with some other things too.

But honestly, do sandwiches have to be closed off, my bread? The only sandwiches I have seen not closed off by two pieces of bread is a cupcake and Lunchables cracker sandwiches.

And must the two pieces of bread be parallel? Because I have seen sandwiches made of one piece of bread, just bent over. If those things are considered sandwiches, what exactly is a hot dog? Is it an incomplete roll or a one-breaded sandwich? Is a taco a sandwich? A pita falafel?

Also, if one puts a sandwich, say a nice grilled chicken sandwich, into a blender, is the outcome a sandwich? If it is so, what if someone spread the chicken sandwich mush onto a cracker and tops it off with another one, does that make it a “sandwich sandwich”? Or if a sandwich has three pieces of bread with filling in the middle is it a “sandwich sandwich” a “double sandwich” or just the normal term “sandwich”.

Is an Oreo technically a sandwich? Does that make the backward spelling of my octopus’s name “Oreo” also a sandwich? (Ze octopus’s name is Oero, for whom it may concern.)

If you have two pieces of bread stacked on top of each other, that would be an oxygen sandwich (assuming that most nonexistent readers live in places with oxygen) and if another piece was added on top it would be a bread sandwich. Following that logic, I’m guessing that all stacks of bread are automatically sandwiches.

Of course, I remember that sandwiches do not need to be closed off by bread, so that would make all edible things that are stacked a type of sandwich.

But, then again, do sandwiches need to be edible?

 

 

 

Random Ramblings

I’ve had a bunch of ideas for blog posts, but they’d be way too short to keep you nonexistent readers satisfied for the day, so I’m just going to shove them all together to make one decent-sized, hopefully-entertaining post. Yay addition and math! Forgive me if the thoughts are a bit disconnected.

 

Dental update–After fixing my eleven cavities, I’ve started taking care of my teeth. This includes flossing, which I rarely never did before. But I have a perfectly logical reason for denying my teeth optimal health. I didn’t like stuffing my fingers in my mouth. It’s annoying. So to remedy this issue, I got floss on a stick! With the wonderful floss on a stick, I don’t have to stick my fingers in my mouth anymore, so I now floss regularly.

 

Speaking of things on sticks, I want to discuss lollipops. A lollipop is just hard candy on a stick and I strongly dislike them.

A guide to hard candy:

Caramel=good

Jolly Rancher=bad (but I will eat them anyway)

I have two reasons for disliking lollipops:

a) They taste bad

b) The stick that lollipops come on is made of paper, which is water-soluble, which makes it an absolutely idiotic substance to use for the stick on which a food product goes because you put this stick in your mouth and your mouth contains saliva, which is mostly water, and as the stick is water-soluble, it dissolves in your mouth. This is contradictory to what is supposed to happen. You’re not supposed to eat the paper (as paper is not usually a food product), you’re supposed to consume the spherical hard candy on top of the water-soluble paper stick.

 

It’s an outrage, I know, I know, completely atrocious, but I’ve decided that I like apple cider as much as I do cranberry juice.

 

The one thing that I really, really want is a bronze spool of thread. It is my current ambition in life.

 

There are these bushes outside my house with these little red berries and whenever I walk past them, clouds of flies explode out of them for unknown reasons.

 

A random fact about Spinette and me:

  • Spinette cannot stand the songs Honey I’m Good by Andy Grammar and Welcome to the Black Parade by My Chemical Romance
  • I cannot stand That’s What I Like by ze unmentionable artist

 

From what direction do you peal a banana?

I peal a banana from the top.

 

I think it’s egotistic of people to say that aliens don’t exist.

 

Well, that was interesting. Maybe I’ll elaborate further on one of these topics in the future. Who knows? *Shrugs*

Peanut Butter: Some Random Thoughts

Peanut butter is an acquired taste. One does not simply adore peanut butter upon their first tasting. In fact, I absolutely abhorred peanut butter for the longest time.

But now, I love peanut butter. Sometimes I’ll eat spoonfuls of peanut butter just because I can.

I used to detest peanut butter. I would definitely not eat PB&J, would not think about peanut butter, would not eat peanut butter, would not touch anything that had previously touched peanut butter, and I would cringe at the sight of peanut butter at the store.

I used to claim a peanut allergy so I wouldn’t have to explain why I couldn’t eat a PB&J. No one questioned it (even though I loved Snickers bars and the like).

Then, in fourth grade, we had a field trip to a museum and the school would provide the lunches. They would be serving PB&J. My friend, let’s call her Catherine, has Celiac Disease, and she actually cannot eat PB&J, but that is due to the bread, not the peanut butter. So, because of this, she was allowed to bring her own lunch, but I wasn’t because my peanut allergy was made up.

So on the field trip, I ate only the crusts of the bread, because the peanut butter made me gag. I realized then that my aversion to peanut butter was a real problem. What would happen if there was nothing to eat but peanut butter, jelly, and bread?

When we got home, I lied to my mom (I know, how evil) and I told her that I ate the sandwich and that I loved it and I wanted to eat more PB&J.

The Dark Days began. Due to my supposed “love of peanut butter” we had PB&J ALL THE TIME. Sometimes, my mother would make my brother pasta or noodles and she would make PB&J for me since I “liked it better”. It was hard, and it was painful, but I ate lots of peanut butter and I acquired the taste.

After I had acquired the taste (through a great deal of hard work), PB&J actually became my favorite food and I ate it even more, which was probably not the most nutritious.

The moral of the story is that you can do anything you put your mind to, even learn to love something as disgusting as peanut butter.

My Strange Sense of Humor

It is nearly impossible for me to write or say something without at least a twinge of humor in it, but it is quite possible for this subtle humor to fly over someone’s head due to the strangeness of it [joke]. For this post, in every sentence that I write something funny, I will add “[joke]”, so you can be sure you know when to laugh [joke].

Many of my jokes rely on the fact that they make no sense. For example, “The graduating carrot ate a rutabaga the size of a football field” [joke]. (I am figuratively dying of laughter at my own joke right now [joke].) [joke] (The previous joke was the punctuation if you didn’t catch it [joke].) [joke]

Since most of my jokes are ununderstandable [joke], many people in real life, with the exclusion of Spinette, don’t get it, and therefore, don’t laugh at the proper cues.

On the flip side, I usually don’t comprehend their jokes and I don’t laugh at the appropriate times either.

On the other flip side [joke], sometimes I laugh at unintentional jokes, and in these instances, I am the only one laughing. For example, once, in geometry class long ago, we were reviewing volume. The math teacher related the volume of an object to packing boxes and he mentioned that a one-inch squared packing box would be fairly useless. A kid next to me said that one could ship a sugar cube.

I burst out laughing/snorting. Of course, the rest of the class was dead silent and I think the person who said it was dead serious [joke] because he didn’t laugh either. Not even a chuckle.

I, of course [joke], found this to be the funniest thing ever due to the impracticality of shipping a single sugar cube in a one-inch squared packing box and burst into random fits of giggles for the rest of class.

P.S. Something that I find enormously hilarious is saying “Have fun” when someone says that they have to go to the bathroom. It earns me strange looks, but it is great on my part. It’s even funnier when, due to habit, people say, “I will”.

*Maniacal laughter*

The Origin of Life

As you probably know from your elementary school days, everything, including you, is made up of atoms.

As you probably know from your pre-elementary school days, you are alive (well, you hopefully are alive if you are reading this. Zombies and vampires don’t count).

So you are made of atoms and you are alive, but your atoms are not alive. So how can you be alive if the parts that make you up are not alive?

Let’s imagine this on a larger scale. If you were to put together an extremely large number of rocks (which represent atoms), they wouldn’t suddenly become a giant rock monster that is alive (which represents life).

Now, let’s consider the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In a similar fashion, two inanimate objects shouldn’t make something that is alive.

Things that are alive are usually made up of the elements sulfur, phosphorus, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, and hydrogen, but if you were to mix all these things up in a giant bowl, it wouldn’t magically come alive.

If you are made of atoms, and a rock is made of atoms, and both of your atoms are not alive, then why are you alive and the rock is not alive?

With that unanswered question, let’s move on.

Where did life even come from? I understand the whole evolution thing, but how did life even start? The first thing that was alive had to come from something, right? I refuse to believe the first organism evolved from a rock. That is absurd. But what else was there on Earth other than rocks?

I’ve heard the theories that a lightning strike caused life or that a space rock with microorganisms on it struck Earth.

If a lightning strike caused life, it would imply that if we took our giant bowl of sulfur, phosphorus, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, and hydrogen and shot it with electricity, it would come alive, right?

Ned the Narwhal: …

If a space rock hit Earth and it had microorganisms on it, that poses the question, Where did life on that particular planet come from? And if that planet was hit by another space rock from another planet with microorganisms on it, then where did the life on that planet start? And the one before it? And the one before it?

Let’s consider the phrase “We are what we eat.” This is actually true. The atoms from the food you eat today will be your hair or skin or organs or blood later. Your food is (hopefully) not alive, but when it becomes a part of you, it is alive, but they are the same atoms, so how did it go from being not-alive to alive? And before your food was your food, it was a part of some plant. Let’s assume a carrot. And before it was a part of the carrot, it was carbon in the air, which became a part of the carrot through photosynthesis. The carbon in the air could’ve come from a large number of places. Let’s assume that at some point, it was a part of a dead leaf. But that leaf was alive at one point, but the carbon itself was never alive, but the leaf was alive and it was made of the carbon, which was not alive and I am confusing myself.

I should make a diagram.

5 Things Not to do Whilst Baking

Do NOT do these five things ever when baking. It will result in unsatisfactory results.

From now on, “it” will refer to the baked goods that you have baked or are currently baking.

  1. Do not leave it in the fire too long and burn it.
  2. Do not drop off a cliff of any height. (It will be difficult to retrieve your baked goods.)
  3. Do not go swimming with your baked goods, no matter how much you may want to.
  4. Do not mix up flour and powdery white sand from the beaches of Wyoming.
  5. Do not burn your house down.

This list has been compiled from personal experiences. As you can probably tell, I usually buy storebought baked goods now.

Spices

In the household of my parental units, spices are commonly used. Or should I say, almost in everything— on rice, salads, soups, pizza, hotdogs, staining fingernails, smelling up clothes, my breath, my parent’s breath and the stinky shoes of my cousin’s. The relatively not so spicy manager of a certain inn that my parents own, actually complained about my cousin’s stank he oh-so awfully spewed across the halls. Not many people like it, the smell of spices radiating from a random spicy person.

Along with the smell of sulfur, smoke, vanilla, and Arachnid’s hair in some cases, I love the wondrous scent of spices. Each time my parental units cook, my stomach grumbles like a humpback whale um…uh… groaning (Please tell me a better word for this. I don’t research whales). Eating them (spices in food not humpback whales) is better, since it adds a bit of a flavor that cannot be found in the food that was spiced.

An example would be scrambled eggs: I literally put a whole bottle of black pepper on those otherwise tasteless blobs! They are called scrambled for a reason, so I think they should taste scrambled.

Sadly, everything has a dark side, especially spices.

Everyday, for the meal of nighttime, my female parental unit puts these “seeds” within the dishes. They add a scent, but once I bite them I get a taste so bitter, so ughh, so much like a bad aftertaste of something, that I have to gag. Sometimes I don’t chew my parental unit’s cooking and just swallow so I don’t accidentally bite on a seed, releasing the monster within.

When I was a mini human of small portions, I used to throw out the seeds from my food, resulting in more time organizing the food rather than eating it. If it’s really filled to the brim with large seeds (the ones that ensure plants growing in ze stomach) I will not hesitate to put the troops in order.

In soups, seeds are the worst. Once I eat all the beautiful soupy parts of the soup, little black seeds are left on the bottom. Of course, since I don’t like disorder (of food) I will throw out the seeds, but I have to do it secretly so my parental units don’t catch me.

I have to be like a ninja.

One moment, I’m here, the other moment, I’m not.

(Was that a good ending?)

 

My Foodies

Surely, some of you, nonexistent readers, know what a food baby is. For those who don’t know, they are the result of what happens when you eat way too much of your favorite food. But the thing people never talk about are the food dudes or food babes, or the food … whatever suits your cup of tea.

*Sips milk tea*

Speaking of that, one of my food love interests is tea. Not just normal tea, milk tea, preferably with the black caterpillars, with lots and lots of sugar. If it is correctly done, tea is my weakness (Arachnid you can forget this). Unknowingly, when I am in a social gathering of old people who drink tea, I repeatedly go to the counter and fix up a cup of tea. Usually, I use these percentages for my tea making, so for those of you who do not like tea, take note:

Hot milk: 20%

Tea bag: 10% (if it is Earl Grey do 20%)

Sugar/ Honey: 70% (no butts!)

Another favorite foodie (scandalous!) of mine is underwater mini prawns, otherwise known as shrimps. I especially enjoy them on skewers, freshly grilled from the local seafood restaurant. Recently though, I discovered that all shrimps were bread using a disgusting technique where the shrimps are raised in dirty, toxic water. Of course, I didn’t think twice about eating shrimp for my occasional eight hour bath.

Cheesecake is one of my sweetest food … whatever suits my tea, because who doesn’t love cheese + cake! (Except the lactose intolerants…you are missing out.) It is so creamy and sweet and wonderful. Sometimes I cut up the cheese cake into teeny pieces then chew, say about thirty-three times and try to savor the flavor as much as I can. Let’s just say cheesecake is hard to come by for a below average wage author such as myself with a carnivorous monster always there to eat my food.

404 NO ENDING FOUND

BYE.