How to Get Out of a Pickle (ex: How to Open a Jar)

Are you stuck in a sticky situation? Well, Auntie Spin’s here to help you!

First, try to identify ze problem. Say the lid is stuck on a jar. What’s the problem? Is it the jar or the sticky lid? Also, make sure you identify the scent of the problem as well. If you don’t have a strong nose or for some mysterious reason don’t have one, you can always turn off the lights and find the little pickled demons hiding out. They usually are fluorescent purple.

Once you identified the problem which is (spoilers) obviously the jar, eliminate it. Destroy it. LET IT DIE. Don’t let it stay in your consciousness to rot and throw it away.

At the end of this step the jar should be broken or in other words, the pickle should explode.

Also, after you work your way through the first problem of a jar being rebellious, shards of glass may litter the floor. Practice your problem-solving skills and pick up the glass, or even better, smash it into smaller pieces.

At this point, your hands might be covered in blood. But look at it positively! Use it as an opportunity to redo the second step; elimination. Wash your hands thoroughly with lots of soap and keep on doing so even if it stings.

After this, you just may feel a sharp sensation under your feet. This is the perfect opportunity to identify the problem! Turn off the lights and look for the pickled demons. If they turn up, try using a conveniently placed missile to take it down.

Your house may come down with it, but at least you solved the problem, right?

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Partying in New York and Other Social Struggles (and a rant about school)

Hello, nonexistent peeps!

So as you may know, I recently went to my cousin’s wedding in New York. The wedding was really different from my other cousin’s wedding in Bangladesh. While the Bangladesh wedding was strictly traditional and tedious, the New York one consisted of three straight days of partying with much alcohol involved. While I don’t enjoy parties (or people in general) I did have fun discovering a new version of people-watching: Drunk people-watching.

The drunken peoples did many, many idiotic things. It was hilarious.

One dude was very, very drunk and he was dancing flopping like a fish out of water. At one point he fell asleep on my cousin’s shoulder, and my cousin just let him stay there. After that, he fell asleep on the floor for a bit before finally sleeping on one of the tables at the banquet hall.

The drunk peoples also wriggled around on the floor doing a “snake dance”.

Before people got overly drunk, there were some social struggles. I was wearing an off-the-shoulder dress at the party, and an older lady touched my shoulder and asked if it was the style or if it was ripped. I usually keep my sarcasm inside my head with strangers, but I was annoyed, so it kinda slipped out and with a little extra bite. I said, “No, it ripped” with an unspoken Of course it’s the style. This is obvious. And it’s rude to ask people if their clothing is torn. *Shrugs* I was feeling mean. And then EVERYONE within earshot gasped. My mom tried to play it off because I had, in fact, just ripped my skirt.

Soon after, I was retrieving my food from the buffet and I was trying to pick up the naan, but I dropped the tongs on the floor. I tried to get the waiter’s attention while the line was growing behind me. The lady behind me told me to just put it on the table. As soon as I exited the line, a new waiter arrived and put the tongs BACK IN THE FOOD.

and I didn’t say anything.

At the actual wedding, I wore a dress that weighed a LOT. I’m certain that if someone weight trained with it, they would grow some serious muscles. (Is that the proper terminology?!) My mom said that I could change out of the dress after a couple hours, but then she accidentally left the normal dress in the car, which was driven away by a valet-dude. But I convinced my mom to let me wear my sneakers with the dress. So people were drunk. Other people got married. One of my cousins asked his wife who she was. One cousin tried to give away his credit card. One person I don’t know was feeding people desserts from a communal spoon. Etc. Many cousins wriggled on the floor pretending to be snakes.

There was also this priest-dude. In the middle of a ceremony, he got a phone call. He talked for fiveish minutes, in the middle of the ceremony. “Yep. Hi. Sup. Yeah, I’m marrying some peeps right now.” And then after the phone call, he started the ceremony over again.


Bonus: A Random, Unrelated Rant.

So yesterday, we got our schedules for school and mine was pretty messed up. They kicked me out of the honors math program and put me in precalculus instead of honors precalculus. This is because I’m doing the class as a tenth grader with eleventh graders and the upperclassmen get priority for honors. Because I’m in regular precalculus, all the honors precalculus homework that I spent the summer doing is now obsolete and the year after, I’ll have to do Calculus AB instead of Calculus BC like the honors kids.

On top of that, instead of a biology class I REALLY wanted, I got health and architectural design, which a super bummer because no one likes health (which I’d planned to do over the summer) and I’m not interested in architecture. So instead of the biology class, which is full, I asked for Physics, but that’s full, too. So then I asked for Spanish 3, but that doesn’t work either. My friends who also wanted the biology class all ended up with Physics. This is awful because I wanted more science.

I am like cookie monster. I want math/science.

GIVE ME.

I’m upset.

The Sunshine Blogger Award

Greetings, people of the universe! I should probably be finishing my summer homework… but here we are.

I was nominated by the unique and awesomazing (which is totally a word) Have You Ever Noticed? You nonexistent guys should check out this hilarious blog that points out all the things you’ve never noticed about your life.


RULES

  1. First of all, thank the blogger who has nominated you and link to their blog in your post.
  2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger.
  3. Nominate 11 more blogs, who you think should be given this award.
  4. List the rules and the logo of the award on your post or in your blog.

THE QUESTIONS

  1. What is one dish you like to cook?I have no idea how to cook. I can make cereal, toast, and pb&j. Of those measly three, cereal is my favorite. (FROSTED MINI WHEATS. GIVE ME.)
  2.  How would you describe your favorite pair of shoes?Suede, tan-colored combat boots with faded soles that haven’t fallen apart yet.
  3. What is the best thing that you did last week?I walked through a forest. (But this “forest” was next to a highway, so the illusion was kinda broken by the sound of the cars honking and rushing around.) It was a ton a fun and it smelled really good.
  4. If you could have lunch with one author (living or dead) who would it be and why?Leigh Bardugo because she created Six of Crows.
  5.  What kind of snack do you like to add to your ice cream?Whipped cream. Whipped cream is basically warm ice cream. My favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip.
    • Also, whipped cream is totally a snack.
  6.  If you could return to any decade and visit a movie set, which would you like to see and why?Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. It’s my favorite movie and I’d love to see the magic in real life.
    • Harry Potter because Hogwarts.
    • I just finished watching Les Miserables yesterday and I loved it, so I’d like to see that set as well.
  7. What is a song that makes you smile?Mama by My Chemical Romance.
    • “Mama, we’re all going to die.” The lyrics just make me happy.
  8. What advice would you give to your younger self?Try cotton candy. I swear you’ll love it.
  9. What is one food you just can’t eat?Mayonaise.
      • Story time!
      • One time, my cousin went to a restaurant with her coworkers and she had pasta with alfredo. She adored it, so she wanted to recreate it for us. Except there was one mixup. She thought that the alfredo was mayonaise. I was skeptical because I HATED mayonaise, but her excitement was contagious, so we couldn’t wait for the weekend when she would make us this delicious pasta. She went out and purchased the igredients and made dinner for the entire family that weekend and she was so proud.
      • But the pasta was heaped with mayonaise and I gagged at the first bite. My dad made me finish the entire bowl.
  10. If you can earn a gold medal in any sport, what would it be and why?I seriously doubt that I’d ever get an aluminum medal in a sport, let alone a gold one. I’m very unathletic. So, my sport is waffle consumption.
  11. What is something you wish you could add to your blog and why?Animations! I don’t have the time or equipment to do them, but I think animations would go wonderfully with a lot of our posts.

The Forgotten Blog Ideas

Heyo, peeps!

I’ve had many blog post ideas over the nearly-year, some of them good, some of them bad, and some which never made the cut. As I’m one to go all-out with bad post ideas, the ones that don’t make the cut are usually just too short. Like only a couple sentences long. But I guarantee that those couple sentences are funny and they don’t deserve to rot away in my notebook of blog ideas. So why not mash them together into a disconnected post and let them have a bit of the spotlight?


  • Playing hot potato with ACTUAL hot potatoes. I mean, who even does that anymore?
  • When you think you’ve been eating multivitamins, but they’re actually gummy bears.
  • When I’m angry at someone, I find that it helps to imagine their head as a watermelon and a conveniently-placed hammer in your hand.
  • What if animals had equal rights? What if you hit a squirrel with your car and it died? Would you be charged with manslaughter (squirrelslaughter)?
  • There’s morning people (early birds), night people (night owls), and me: the perpetually tired.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
    • This joke is funny because the listener expects a funny punchline, but the punchline (to get to the other side) is so decidedly unfunny that it’s shocking, and therefore it’s funny.
  • What happened to all the older people in YA fantasy?
  • Nut Ramblings
    • Cashews are my favorite nut
    • Salted almonds are bad
    • Unsalted peanuts are bad
    • So since peanuts must be salted and almonds cannot be salted, peanuts and almonds can’t mix, even though they’re both nuts.
  • bubble cars
  • Is the scent of a freshly mown lawn actually grass blood?
  • Red is my favorite flavor
  • Leave an index card that is decorated and says, “Have a stunning day” in every library book you read for others to find. On the back, write, “Why, today is amazing“.
  • Never stick your hand (or anything else) in the flame. It is not good for your health. (I can’t remember what I meant by this. I don’t get the italics either.)
  • Sayings
    • Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.
    • The only possible motive for asking a question is to see what the other person knows.
    • One must always believe whatever one finds on the internet.
    • One must never have any expectations at all so one will always be impressed with one’s accomplishments.
    • The worse something tastes, the healthier it must be.
  • Emojis that should exist
    • Yellow circle (for when there is no emotion)
    • scowl
    • stick figure
    • bemused expression
    • one with crossed arms
    • half-smile
    • glaring
    • evil witch cackles
    • furrowed brows
  • From what direction do you peel a banana?
  • When I was a kid, I’d rip the heads off of gummy bears and stick them on other bodies. Is that weird?

So welcome to a piece of my mind. If you didn’t already think I was crazy, here’s some more evidence to prove you otherwise.

This was actually really helpful because while I was looking through my notebooks, I found a bunch of good ideas that I haven’t written posts for yet I think!

Ask TheWebWeavers #3 || The Chewer

Sophia Ismaa Writes asks…

My aunt chews so loudly. Like, SO loudly that it sounds like there’s a factory operating in her mouth and every single one of the workers there are French kissing each other. I have told her I don’t like it because it gives me flashbacks to someone in my childhood and it makes me uncomfortable. She refuses to change. What do I do?

There are several courses of action that you can take for this particular problem. You have already attempted the most simple and effective one, asking her to stop, but that did not work. Unfortunately, chewing loudly is something that one often doesn’t realize they’re doing. So asking someone to stop might quiet them down for a minute or two, but then they’re right back to chewing like a lawnmower.

It’s quite difficult to change someone else, so the easiest course of action is to change either yourself or your environment.

  1. Wear earplugs/noise-canceling headphones
    • This option is, of course, a bit rude. But sometimes drastic measures must be taken. However, the drawback to this plan is that it will be quite difficult to follow the conversation. So it is recommended that one becomes proficient in the art of lip-reading before attempting this method.
  2. Avoid eating with your aunt
    • This method is also somewhat rude. But effective. You could claim to be busy or even say you’re eating with other people.
  3. If you are cooking…
    1. Make only Jell-O. It’s hard to chew loudly with Jell-O
    2. Make something like spaghetti that requires a lot of slurping (and other disgusting chewing sounds) to eat. Set the table so you are sitting really close to your aunt, and talk with your mouth full during dinner. Later, while there is still food in your mouth, laugh rambunctiously at your own spectacular joke and throw your arm around your aunt in a fit of giggles. Then just stay there on your aunt’s shoulder for a bit and keep eating, making sure to chew obnoxiously in her ear. Add loud slurping for a bit of pizzaz. If you want to get extra credit, laugh again at someone else’s joke later in the meal and “accidentally” spit a piece of food onto her plate.
      • This labor-intensive solution will hopefully make your aunt become more aware of her own chewing.
  4. Show her this post.

Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers using the Contact Page. Please specify if you want your letter to be anonymous. If you want the world to know who you are (otherwise known as this small corner of the internet), we’ll add a link to your blog to help spread the love.

Solving All Your Stupid Problems Part 2

You are a cheese hater of the greatest proportion. Excluding lactose-intolerant people, you must hate cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Your twin brother, on the other hand, loves cheese more than anyone else in the human population. Over the years, your extremely differing views on cheese have led to a growing rift between you and your twin and you are now feuding, as you have been for the last 3¾ years. One night, you go to sleep peacefully, safe in the knowledge that your loyal guard of 3½ years is protecting you and preventing anyone from entering your room while you lay vulnerable and unconscious in your bed. But, beyond the boundary of your knowledge, your brother infiltrated your circle of guards three-and-a-half years ago with his trusted friend, Kevin, and tonight is the night that they plan to act and finally end this feud.

When you are sleeping deeply and snoring loud enough to cover any sound a squeaky wheelbarrow may make, Kevin quietly opens the previously-oiled door and rolls in a rusty, squeaky wheelbarrow full of cheese. He surreptitiously pours the cheese over you like Mount Vesuvius surreptitiously poured ashes over Pompeii and Kevin tiptoes out of the room, leaving the wheelbarrow.

You, being a deep sleeper, don’t wake because of the cheese. But you do wake up because you had an unsettling nightmare of being buried alive in bat guano.

There is no simple solution to this simple problem. But, some (not your brother) would say “fortunately”, there is a complicated one. Fortunately, it isn’t too difficult if you hold tight to your wits. This is assuming you had any wits in the first place, of course.

I suppose one could simply dig through cheese, but there’s no thrill in that.

  • Using cheddar, provolone, and your nightcap, create a time-traveling device.
    • If you aren’t of the scientific prowess to achieve this, use pale-colored cheese to create a genie lamp. Rub the lamp and ask the genie for a time-travel device. This should result in the same results, but it’s not preferable because no one likes to deal with fussy cheese genies.
  • Use the time-travel device, however obtained, to travel back in time to when Kevin had just finished putting the cheese in the wheelbarrow.
  • Dispose of the traitor Kevin however you wish, but do it quietly, for word cannot get back to your brother that his plan has been foiled.
  • Dispose of the monstrous cheese as well. I recommend throwing it into a volcano. Cheese deserves no better.
  • Dispose of your monstrous, cheese-loving brother. I recommend throwing him into a volcano.

You are a brand new lifeguard, fresh from the assembly line. You’re not yet familiar with the tricks of the trade, but you make up what you lack with enthusiasm. Life has not yet had a chance to bring you down. You meticulously scan the beach for trouble, hoping in a place dark place of your mind you’d rather not acknowledge that something goes wrong and you can be a hero. With all your attention focused on the water, you don’t notice the curious seagull pecking around your lifeguard chair. Well, at least you don’t notice the seagull until it’s too late.

The seagull leaps into your lap in a flurry of feathers. You, in a state of shock, scream at a high frequency, scaring the seagull, who squawks back at you, frazzled, and scares you further, increasing the pitch of your scream.

The seagull finally gets fed up and hops off of your lap, but he takes your megaphone with him in his beak. The seagull waddles down the beach, the megaphone in tow. About ten yards down the beach from you, he stops and starts squawking into the megaphone. Everyone on the beach covers their ears, protecting themselves from the seagull’s horrible yodeling. You are at a loss of what to do. You’re somewhat terrified of birds, but you’d never admit it, so you need someone to help you. Someone who can either be trusted with your secret or is so oblivious to the world that they’d never figure out your secret without being explicitly told. You decide to go with the latter option and you call your cousin, a professional fisher who lives twenty minutes away.

  • Call your cousin, who happens to be a professional fisher and lives nearby.
  • Wait for your cousin to arrive. Warily watch the seagull while doing so.
  • Order your cousin to catch a fish. This shouldn’t take long as she’s a professional, right?

2 HOURS LATER

  • Most of the beach-goers have left the beach due to the incessant squawking. Your cousin finally catches a fish.
  • Take the fish from your cousin.
  • Dangling the fish on the fishing rod, lure the seagull away from the beach so the beach-goers can return.
  • Make a deal with the human-language speaking seagull to trade the fish for the megaphone.

Assuming the seagull agrees to your fair deal, your problem is solved! If the seagull has become too attached to the megaphone and refuses to trade it, I’m afraid I can’t help you.


Read more: Solving all Your Stupid Problems Part 1

Mystery Blogger Award

I was tagged for this by the amazing Sophia Ismaa Writes a long time ago. Gah, I’m awful at doing tags in a timely manner.


What is the Mystery Blogger Award?

This award was created by Okoto Enigma to celebrate blogs which captivate, inspire and motivate and their respective bloggers who do it with love, passion, and fun.

(That was copy-and-pasted from Sophia’s blog.)


THE RULES

  • Put the award/logo image on your blog
  • List the rules
  • Thank whoever nominated you and provide a link to their blog
  • Mention the creator of the award and provide a link as well
  • Tell your readers 3 things about yourself and answer the questions provided by your nominator
  • Nominate 10-20 people for the award
  • Notify your nominees by commenting on their blog
  • Ask your nominees any 5 questions of your choice, with one weird or funny question (specify)
  • Share a link to your best post(s)

Okay, dudes, I’m pressed for time because I’m writing this the day before I’m leaving for a three-week trip and I have not started packing. So I won’t be following all the rules. Sorry.


3 Things About Me

  1. I’m sleepy. That is a personality trait. Like I am the human version of Sleepy from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.
  2. I listen to My Chemical Romance’s album The Black Parade more than seven times a week.
  3. I love cacti.

The Questions

  1. What is the last book you read that made an impact on you?
    1. The Pact by Jodi Picoult, but I can’t tell you how or why because spoilers.
  2. What is the strangest thing you have ever eaten? (Weird)
    1. I’m a really picky eater, so I don’t make a habit of eating strange foods. I recently tried Cole Slaw, which I think is really weird.
  3. Name two things about blogging you love and two things that irritate you.
    1. Love: I love making friends in the blogosphere and having in-depth conversations about books.
    2. Irritate: It’s time-consuming (I’m in the process of writing five-ish posts in a row and it’s hard) and WordPress is glitchy sometimes.
  4. Take Buzzfeed’s: Everyone Has a British Food That Matches Their Personality Quiz and post your results, food, and description included!jam roll
  5. Recommend a book in one paragraph (3 sentences max)!
    1. Read Six of Crows. You will love it. Thank me later.

The Best Posts


A Note: I’m currently on a three-week trip to Bangladesh and I won’t be back until July 15, 2018, so I won’t be able to respond to your comments.

Solving all Your Stupid Problems

I’m sure all of these problems have graced you, dear reader. You wouldn’t believe it, but they’re quite common, really. You’re just sitting there thinking that all your problems are unique because you are a unique and special human bean with your own unique and special set of problems. But nope. Everyone else deals with them, too. You are completely generic. But they won’t anymore, because I’m about to solve all your stupid problems!

Lettuce, begin the drumroll!


You get gum stuck in your hair, but there are no worries. As good ole grandma used to say, “Peanut butter will get gum out of your hair, your pet’s hair, your cactus’s wig. And then you won’t have to become prematurely bald!”

But Grandma never considered what happens after you get the gum out of your hair. What happens when the peanut butter gets stuck?!

The answer is simple.

Become prematurely bald.

Go outside and grab a squirrel. Make sure it doesn’t have rabies! (Rabies are bad, in case you didn’t know.) If squirrels aren’t available, other small, peanut-butter-loving animals are good substitutes.

Set the squirrel in your hair and watch it work its magic.

You are a lover of pickles. (These kinds of people are strange. Dear readers, I know that you are not pickle-lovers, because I like you, so a word of advice from author to reader: Don’t associate with pickle-lovers.) You are such an enthusiast of pickles, that you decide to use your life savings to buy a ticket to Pickle World, the pickle-themed amusement park in L.A. (L.A. is also strange. Do not associate with people from L.A. I mean, those L.A.-ians decided to build a pickle-themed amusement park. Couldn’t they have at least gone with cucumbers?)

At Pickle World, they have giant jars full of giant mutant pickles. Trust me, pickle-lovers love giant pickles and will willingly swim with them, despite the fact that the vinegar will make their skin all pruney and will make them smell awful for weeks.

But sometimes, accidents happen.

Sometimes, people get stuck inside pickles. (Don’t ask me what they were doing. I told you, pickle-lovers are insane.)

But there is an easy solution to this, excuse me for the pun, pickle, as well. But I’m sure you readers won’t need it, since you are not of the pickle-loving breed.

Simply ask a trusted acquaintance to pull you and the pickle out of the jar. You will see that in minutes, no seconds, the pickle will be devoured by ravenous pickle-lovers and you will remain magically unscathed. Pickle-lovers are insane, but they’re not cannibals.


I hoped that I have solved some of your (many) problems. And don’t worry if you have problems that haven’t been addressed in this short post. There will be more parts.

Ask TheWebWeavers #3 || The Chewer

Sophia Ismaa Writes asks…

My aunt chews so loudly. Like, SO loudly that it sounds like there’s a factory operating in her mouth and every single one of the workers there are French kissing each other. I have told her I don’t like it because it gives me flashbacks to someone in my childhood and it makes me uncomfortable. She refuses to change. What do I do?

There are several courses of action that you can take for this particular problem. You have already attempted the most simple and effective one, asking her to stop, but that did not work. Unfortunately, chewing loudly is something that one often doesn’t realize they’re doing. So asking someone to stop might quiet them down for a minute or two, but then they’re right back to chewing like a lawnmower.

It’s quite difficult to change someone else, so the easiest course of action is to change either yourself or your environment.

  1. Wear earplugs/noise-canceling headphones
    • This option is, of course, a bit rude. But sometimes drastic measures must be taken. However, the drawback to this plan is that it will be quite difficult to follow the conversation. So it is recommended that one becomes proficient in the art of lip-reading before attempting this method.
  2. Avoid eating with your aunt
    • This method is also somewhat rude. But effective. You could claim to be busy or even say you’re eating with other people.
  3. If you are cooking…
    1. Make only Jell-O. It’s hard to chew loudly with Jell-O
    2. Make something like spaghetti that requires a lot of slurping (and other disgusting chewing sounds) to eat. Set the table so you are sitting really close to your aunt, and talk with your mouth full during dinner. Later, while there is still food in your mouth, laugh rambunctiously at your own spectacular joke and throw your arm around your aunt in a fit of giggles. Then just stay there on your aunt’s shoulder for a bit and keep eating, making sure to chew obnoxiously in her ear. Add loud slurping for a bit of pizzaz. If you want to get extra credit, laugh again at someone else’s joke later in the meal and “accidentally” spit a piece of food onto her plate.
      • This labor-intensive solution will hopefully make your aunt become more aware of her own chewing.
  4. Show her this post.

Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers using the Contact Page. Please specify if you want your letter to be anonymous. If you want the world to know who you are (otherwise known as this small corner of the internet), we’ll add a link to your blog to help spread the love.

My Strange Sense of Humor

It is nearly impossible for me to write or say something without at least a twinge of humor in it, but it is quite possible for this subtle humor to fly over someone’s head due to the strangeness of it [joke]. For this post, in every sentence that I write something funny, I will add “[joke]”, so you can be sure you know when to laugh [joke].

Many of my jokes rely on the fact that they make no sense. For example, “The graduating carrot ate a rutabaga the size of a football field” [joke]. (I am figuratively dying of laughter at my own joke right now [joke].) [joke] (The previous joke was the punctuation if you didn’t catch it [joke].) [joke]

Since most of my jokes are ununderstandable [joke], many people in real life, with the exclusion of Spinette, don’t get it, and therefore, don’t laugh at the proper cues.

On the flip side, I usually don’t comprehend their jokes and I don’t laugh at the appropriate times either.

On the other flip side [joke], sometimes I laugh at unintentional jokes, and in these instances, I am the only one laughing. For example, once, in geometry class long ago, we were reviewing volume. The math teacher related the volume of an object to packing boxes and he mentioned that a one-inch squared packing box would be fairly useless. A kid next to me said that one could ship a sugar cube.

I burst out laughing/snorting. Of course, the rest of the class was dead silent and I think the person who said it was dead serious [joke] because he didn’t laugh either. Not even a chuckle.

I, of course [joke], found this to be the funniest thing ever due to the impracticality of shipping a single sugar cube in a one-inch squared packing box and burst into random fits of giggles for the rest of class.

P.S. Something that I find enormously hilarious is saying “Have fun” when someone says that they have to go to the bathroom. It earns me strange looks, but it is great on my part. It’s even funnier when, due to habit, people say, “I will”.

*Maniacal laughter*

A Stream of Random Thoughts || Bittersweet

I started this post planning to write about the wonders of bagged milk. I’m sure that when I put “bagged milk” on my list of Blog Post Ideas, I knew exactly what to write in a post, but now I can’t remember and there’s not much you can say about bagged milk without the proper inspiration (aka a recent argument about the wonders of bagged milk).

So I turned to our friend, the random word generator, and today’s topic is…

Bittersweet

So as usual, I’ll just write down words as they float through my head, the starting point being the word “bittersweet”.

“Bittersweet” is often used to describe dark chocolate, the best kind of chocolate. The darker the chocolate gets, the better it is, but often it is not “bittersweet”, it is just bitter.

Recently, while eating 86% cacao dark chocolate, I looked up the correlation between liking bitter flavors and psychopathy. If one likes bitter foods, then they are more likely to be a psychopath.

But worry not, dear nonexistent reader, I am most likely not a psychopath.

You also often hear the term “bittersweet memory”, which refers to a memory that is both sweet and painful to remember. It reminds me quite a bit of nostalgia. But let’s not travel down that dark and twisty path.

Let’s go back to chocolate!

I love all types of chocolate, even white chocolate, which, despite the misleading name, is not chocolate at all. I especially love the chocolate with liquid chocolate inside it.

I want some chocolate right now.

You know those gift boxes with mixed chocolates? I’m sure you’ve gotten at least one. It’s impossible to figure out what’s what. (Yes, I know they come with diagrams, but really, who actually looks at those?) And before you know it, you’re dedicated to finishing a chocolate that you hate.

I really should figure out a better way to end these posts.

the end.

 

The Unique Blogger Award

Heyo, nonexistent peeps! I was nominated for The Unique Blogger Award by the lovely Sophia Ismaa Writes. Go check out her blog, guys. She’s got some awesome posts.


The Rulez

  • Display the award!
  • Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  • Answer the questions they’ve written for you!
  • Nominate 8-13 bloggers and give them three questions in the spirit of sharing love and solidarity within our blogging family!

The Questionz

  1. If you reach an old age, what greatest/funniest moment of yourself (so far) will you share with loved ones?
    • There are so many funny moments to choose from (I am a clumsy person).
    • Once, I was eating breakfast with my friends, and I started gesturing wildly (which I do when the conversation gets intense) and I spilled my orange juice all over my lap. Later, on the same day, I spilled two liters of artificially colored pop on the floor.
    • For New Year’s, Spinette threw a party. She told me it was Western-themed, but when I got there, everyone was dressed in ball gowns. She had meant formal attire from the Western side of the globe. So everyone was dressed like it was prom and I was dressed like a cowboy.
  1. If you could switch two fictional/real characters, what switch would lead to the most inappropriate films/anime/books/situation? 
    • I can’t think of anything.
    • Hmm…
    • Nope. Still blanking.
    • Do you guys have any ideas?
  1. What weird food combinations do you really enjoy or what strange food habits do you have?
    • I will always save the best bite of the food for last, which is counterproductive. The idea is that saving the best for last will end the meal on a good note, but usually, by the time I’m done eating everything else, I’m too full to eat the last bite so I end up just not eating it.
    • There’s not really a weird food combination that I enjoy because I eat everything separately. Imagine a random pedestrian hands me a plate of mixed vegetables and forces me to eat it because they are holding all my books hostage. This plate of vegetables has asparagus, broccoli, carrots, and kidney beans. I would eat these various vegetables one at a time. So first I would eat all of the asparaguses. Then I would eat all the broccoli. Then the carrots, and then the kidney beans. I’m weird.
    • I eat bananas from the side.

I’m Nominating…

  1. Have You Ever Noticed?
  2. Navigating Worlds
  3. It’s Just a Restless Feeling
  4. Yes more blogs
  5. theherdlesswitch
  6. Bookish Thoughts

My Questions

  1. You are forced to leave WordPress for a year by a mysterious force, but you can’t let your readers know that you will be gone. Who do you ask to pretend to be you?
  2. Do you like vanilla or chocolate Oreos better?
  3. Pink lemonade and chocolate milk are delicious beverages, but strange flavor combinations if you think about it (Yes, pink is a flavor). What strange and new, but amazing, flavor combinations can you think of for drinks?

A New Book!

Since I just came back from a trip in Madrid, Italy, I’m very, very tired, but today, I’ll share with you our newest book which just came out on Amazon! It has sold one copy so far and I’m very proud of the publication.

It’s called “Wholesome Poetry” and it’s very different from today’s contemporary mindset towards the genre. Our book may be fattening for some of you, hard to swallow, but take it with an open mind. I hope it flips your view of poetry in the future, as it breaks all the established conventions of our current day rhyme and riddle.

Also, it covers a topic that is very controversial, which is the item of food. Food is rarely written about and these “wholesome” foods contain some secret that is very vicious:  carbs.

By writing about bread, wheat, and other grainy products, we hope to open the eyes of the people who throw away the crust. If this book is successful, we will create a sequel about how hotdogs and chicken nuggets are conjured.

Now for a little sneak peek:

Oh, u were so thick, oatmeal

Looking back at ur surface, my eyes a soft teal

But, oh y, may I ask were u not gluten free?

Y u not the perfect food for me?

If you enjoyed that, please check out the link: https://www.amazon.com/s/bread/poetry

Finger Guns: The Future of Communication?

Snap! Snap! Snappp! We have all heard the standard finger gun sound. It works for every awkward and non awkward situation, and acts as an outlet for my introverted side to dip into my awesome extrovert side!

A friend you haven’t seen in years due to the war? Finger guns!

A beautiful girl you admired from afar for all of highschool? Finger guns!

A gassy hippopotamus? …maybe finger guns can’t solve that one.

But, you get my point.

This is a fun and fast way to get comfortable with someone without touch, if you don’t prefer the cuddles and want to stay away from germs. You instantly give your friend the impression that you are comfortable enough to shoot imitation guns at them, friendly enough to snap and smile to get their attention, and respect their privacy (although if you really want to feel the love, you can ignore the last one).

Finger guns are the way of the future, and if we all converted to finger gunning, we would be able to help all types of people! Deaf people would see the finger guns and blind people could hear the sounds of the different snaps.

In fact, it’s been seen in nature with colonies of solider ants, or between blue whales busting water from their blow holes. It has been around for centuries dating back to -1 B.C. when the world didn’t even exist!

The finger gun is a truly perfect example of wonderful seamless communication.

Gum

My favorite flavor of gum is cinnamon, of course. Everyone should love cinnamon gum. (I also have cinnamon toothpaste.) A close second is mint-flavored.

I hate fruit-flavored gum. Just…Ew. Watermelon is the worst. Watermelon is like a combination of a random lifeguard’s stolen fruity perfume/cologne and all the mushy bits of watermelon that no one likes.

I also despise bubblegum-flavored gum, but it’s located a hairsbreadth above fruit on my gum list. I used to chew Bubble Dubble a lot, though. Bubble Dubble’s bubble-blowing capability is superior to all other gums (but the flavor sucks).

I remember once, in second grade (second grade was an intense year), I discovered this new type of gum. I’ve only had this gum once in my life (that time in second grade), but it’s still my favorite of all gums. So anyway, it was sour on the outside and obnoxiously sweet on the inside. But it was the perfect amount of obnoxious to be lovable. But the thing that truly made this gum shine was its bubble-blowing potential. It’s way better than Bubble Dubble.

It was green.

Anyway, so I was chewing this gum and I blew a giant bubble. It was the size of my head. It was brilliant. It was amazing. It was wonderful.

I quickly went to show my parents my terrific bubble-blowing skills before it deflated.

It popped on the way and covered my entire face with gum.

It was in my hair.

I just couldn’t get it out.

 

I remember chewing that gum for a ridiculously long amount of time before that final pop. I wanted it to last as long as possible because there was only one piece. It tasted horrible. It was probably for the best that I was forced to let it go.


So now let’s get to the whole point of this random post.

GUM ON THE FLOOR/STREET/GROUND/ETC.

It’s despicable.

We all hate it.

It’s worse when it’s inside a building.

We’ve all ruined our shoes.

Our prized flip flops.

SO STOP!

 

~~~END

Mellow Yellow Episode 18: The Hardware Store

 

ZHAN screams in frustration as he tries to pick up a wrench, but it falls through his ghostly hand. ARA watches with an amused half-smile on her face.

ARA: Just use a ghost wrench.

ZHAN: (Looks at ARA like she just said that bacon could fly.) What in the pickle bottom is a ghost wrench?!

ARA: (says slowly like she is talking to an idiotic giraffe) It is a wrench for a ghost. It won’t fall through your hands.

ZHAN: (rolls his eyes, but seems vaguely interested) And where do I acquire this so-called “ghost wrench”?

ARA: The ghost mall of course!

ARA grabs ZHAN’s hand and flies up through the ceiling. They continue north until they reach the Imoloupe Desert Sand Falls. They fly through the sand and somehow end up in a ghost mall. Everything is transparent and foggy.

ZHAN: Whoa!

Ara: (Smirking) To the hardware store!

 

At the hardware store

 

ZHAN: (picking up a wrench) Whoa. I can touch this. How I’ve missed touching things. (Turns to ARA) Why didn’t you tell me about this earlier?!

ARA: (Shrugging) You didn’t express your dislike of being a fluid surrounded by solids.

ZHAN: (scoops up an armload of tools. Turns to the rest of the tools still on the rack) I shall be back soon, my pretties.

 

At the checkout counter

 

ZHAN: I want to buy these precious tools. (Holds out a wrench for scanning porpoises.)

CASHIER PORPOISE: Is that corn? (muttering to himself) I didn’t even know we sold corn.

ZHAN opens his mouth, but ARA cuts in.

ARA: Yes, you do sell corn, and we would like to buy this armload of corn.

CASHIER PORPOISE: So much corn! What are you planning to do with it if not eat it?

ARA: Build fancy gadgets.

CASHIER PORPOISE (muttering to himself): I didn’t even know that corn could do that!

ARA: Corn has ways of surprising people, doesn’t it?

CASHIER PORPOISE: Yes, yes. Of course. (Slides forward a little rectangle.) Please lick this.

ZHAN: What, why?

ARA (impatiently): They don’t have money in the ghost world. You have to pay by giving them a piece of your DNA.

ZHAN: But ghosts don’t even have―

ARA: Just lick it.

ZHAN: But it’s so unsani―

ARA: Just lick the dumb rectangle!

ZHAN: But―

ARA: JUST LICK IT!

CASHIER PORPOISE (Cowering behind the counter): Here, take all the money! Take all the rectangles! Take the old ugly guy, for all I care! Just please, spare me. I’ll give you all our corn.

ARA: That’s not―

ZHAN: Give her all your corn!

 

~~~END

 

A Rambling

Hello, peoples of the universe!

I’m going to try something new today, always dangerous.

A random word generator on the internet is going to generate a random word for me, and I’m going to keep writing whatever that crosses my mind until it reaches a post-sized blob of words.

And this will give you nonexistent readers a glimpse into my head, always dangerous.

The Word: Cottage

Hmm. The seven dwarves from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves had a cottage. I haven’t read Snow White. Did I capitalize the title properly? Is “the” supposed to be capitalized as well? Oh well. That’s mostly right enough.

What was I supposed to be talking/thinking/writing about? Oh yeah, cottages. I don’t like cottage cheese. Once when I went to Spinette’s house, we had cottage cheese for breakfast. It was lumpy and I didn’t like it. (Apologies, Spinette.) Cheese, in general, is lovely. I like mozzarella the best. Especially in stick form. Not cheese sticks where you peel it and things. The kind where it’s breaded and gooey. Is there a separate word for that or is it also a cheese stick?

Things I don’t like about mozzarella cheese sticks:

  • When the entire cheese part comes out and you have to just eat the breaded part
  • When it burns your tongue
  • When the cheese keeps stretching out and getting longer and longer and then the cheese reaches the length of your arm so you can’t hold it out any farther without asking for help, but that would be disgusting, to have someone else hold your cheese stick. But you have to do something because the cheese is getting lower and lower because of the effects of gravity, and eventually it will hit the table/your clothes/the floor and will be inedible.

Cottages.

They have straw for roofs in books, right? How do they keep water from leaking into the house? And why is it “roofs” and not “rooves”?

The plural of “goose” is “geese”. So following this logic, the plural of “moose” should be “meese”, right? BUT IT’S NOT. This is an atrocity. Personally, I say “meese” (although it doesn’t come up in conversation often) in the hopes of sparking a meese revolution.

Mouse to mice

House to hice

Is “louse” the singular of “lice”?

I probably shouldn’t Google it right now. I’m writing a post.

Google is a verb and a noun and a company.

I have to go do other more boring things. This is post-sized, right? Is it okay if I don’t proof-read? I probably didn’t make any mistakes…

Goodbye.

P.S. Does anyone read the tags? Would someone notice if I put something interesting there?

Picky Eaters

I am a picky eater. I admit it.

Who wouldn’t want to admit it? I’m being way more cautious with my food! By pushing broccoli off the side of my plate as well as sending everything else on that plate besides the cheesecake into the trash, I’m preventing myself from getting food poisoning. Just think about it— if you are in someone else’s house, especially someone you don’t know and see something questionable on your plate would you eat it? Would you eat that green-brown ewwy gooey slop?

I hope that is a no. (If you are one of the rare people who said yes, you must be a very dedicated mine digger!)

For picky eaters, most food is this ewwy gooey slop. Almost for all people, there is a gooey slop food, whether it be shrimp, to veggies, to chocolate. The only food I haven’t seen such a sloppy hatred for is mid -sugar level cereal, like Cheerios. (Let’s get real, everyone has a mini crush on that hot bee dude in the commercials, right? Just me?) Anyway, everyone has that type of food, unless you are a pig. That type of food for me is basically everything that is not healthy, such as veggies and some (a lot) fruits. I enjoy foods that are less of actual nutrients and more of these somethings called calories and sugar. How I don’t get diabetes astounds me.

Maybe, it’s just my digestive system. I’m like a plant— I get all my nutrients from the computer light. It sends me into the process of photosynthesis, but as I miraculously get nutrients, I digest all the junk in my body. This is how I prevented myself from the terrible fate of death.

Perhaps all people like me go through this process. Which means if that you don’t get diabetes and you eat nothing but sugar you are probably an advanced type of human species. And not a complete slob.

So if you are a cranky child who cannot eat Brussels Sprouts, show this to your parents. They’ll be convinced that you are actually a superhero, even if you don’t eat veggies! We are a superior race of human!

sretae ykcip ,dlrow eht revo ekat s’tel

 

Is Cereal a Soup?

I was asked the other day “Is cereal a soup?”

Well, my immediate answer was no because cereal is cereal and soup is soup and cereal is not soup; but I try to keep an open mind, so I considered the question again.

Reasons Cereal is Not Soup

  • Cereal is cold
    • But cereal doesn’t necessarily have to be cold
    • Some soups are cold
  • Cereal is a breakfast food and soup is not
    • No one is stopping you from having soup for breakfast and cereal for dinner
  • Cereal is Cereal and soup is soup and cereal is not soup
    • What is soup?

What is Soup?

According to Dictionary.com, soup is a liquid food made by boiling or simmering meat, fish, or vegetables with various added ingredients.

Reasons Cereal is Not Soup: Updated Edition

  • Cereal is crunchy, and therefore not entirely liquid
  • Cereal is not boiled
  • Cereal is not simmered
  • Cereal does not contain meat, fish, or vegetables with various added ingredients

But what if you despised vegetables (like Spinette) and refused to eat any (like a five-year-old child) and you were also a vegetarian?

  • Note: Vegetarians don’t have to like vegetables. They can eat other meat-less food items like processed foods. For example, granola bars, popsicles, ice cream, chocolate, fruit snacks, gummy bears, oatmeal, Jell-O, etc.

If you were five-year-old vegetarian Spinette, then you would like your chicken noodle soup without chicken or vegetables. It would just be noodle soup. But this noodle soup does not contain meat, fish, or vegetables (like the cereal) and therefore, it is not a soup (even though soup is in the name. This is a similar dilemma as the one surrounding baby powder. There are no actual babies in baby powder as there is no soup in noodle soup).

So then what is noodle soup if not soup?

Soggy pasta, perhaps?

Sandwiches

Have you ever thought that if one person drops a piece of bread on one side of the Earth and another person dropped another piece of bread at the same time the world would become a sandwich for just a brief second?

I’ve thought about it. Along with some other things too.

But honestly, do sandwiches have to be closed off, my bread? The only sandwiches I have seen not closed off by two pieces of bread is a cupcake and Lunchables cracker sandwiches.

And must the two pieces of bread be parallel? Because I have seen sandwiches made of one piece of bread, just bent over. If those things are considered sandwiches, what exactly is a hot dog? Is it an incomplete roll or a one-breaded sandwich? Is a taco a sandwich? A pita falafel?

Also, if one puts a sandwich, say a nice grilled chicken sandwich, into a blender, is the outcome a sandwich? If it is so, what if someone spread the chicken sandwich mush onto a cracker and tops it off with another one, does that make it a “sandwich sandwich”? Or if a sandwich has three pieces of bread with filling in the middle is it a “sandwich sandwich” a “double sandwich” or just the normal term “sandwich”.

Is an Oreo technically a sandwich? Does that make the backward spelling of my octopus’s name “Oreo” also a sandwich? (Ze octopus’s name is Oero, for whom it may concern.)

If you have two pieces of bread stacked on top of each other, that would be an oxygen sandwich (assuming that most nonexistent readers live in places with oxygen) and if another piece was added on top it would be a bread sandwich. Following that logic, I’m guessing that all stacks of bread are automatically sandwiches.

Of course, I remember that sandwiches do not need to be closed off by bread, so that would make all edible things that are stacked a type of sandwich.

But, then again, do sandwiches need to be edible?