My Little Brother Applies as a Writer for the Blog

Ahh, summer. Endless days of heat, mosquitos, and boredom. This boredom that comes with summer can inspire otherwise normal people to do crazy, radical things.

Scorpion Weaver, my little brother, has applied for a job at TheWebWeavers. Otherwise known as this blog. I don’t think he completely understands what a resume is supposed to do…

Scorpian's resume

If you can’t read his handwriting, which I assume is most of the human population, I’ll transcribe it here.

Cons for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • Will blame everything on Arachnid Weaver
  • bad at writing
  • Cannot spell properly
  • smells funny
  • will spin if given the opportunity
  • YUM!!!
  • will eat all of you cookies, WHERE ARE You HIDING THEM, I will find them
  • may lose all of your readers
  • will pelt you with questions
  • will ask you for help (make you write the posts for him)
  • his handwriting is very bad.

Pros for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • none

He also wrote a poem…

the bird poem.jpg

A page for...long footed birds!

A very bad poem by Scorpion

 

Birds, they are the living

plane of the sky. Birds they

fly, birds they die. Birds cannot

see glass, oh what a sad

sight. Birds they can be

gross. Birds, they eat worms,

eww! Oh Birds I am sad

to see you go, birds

I wish you could stay

longer, but I must hibernate.

Goodbye birds.


Well, what do you think readers? Should we hire Scorpion?


A Note: I’m currently in Bangladesh for a three-week trip and I won’t be back until July 15, 2018, so I won’t be able to reply to your lovely comments until I get back.

The Floppiest of Birthday Flops

And so begins the prescheduled posts while I’m in Bangladesh.

This post is a bit different from my usual ones because I’m going to be talking about my real life outside of the blogosphere. Yep, that’s right. I am a real person who isn’t actually a robot inside your computer writing witty posts.

So, as you may know, my birthday was on June 5th. Birthdays are interesting things. Days to celebrate a person’s existence and their aging into a raisin, which is a true accomplishment that most people hope for someday, only to eventually die.

My last two birthdays have been flops as well, so I was hoping for this one to be absolutely amazing. Two years ago, we were in the process of moving from Michigan to Kentucky, so my birthday was somewhat forgotten and I didn’t have a celebration nor party. Last year, my actual birthday happened to fall on the first day of finals, so the actual day was lost in a slew of studying. I did have a party, but it doubled as a going away party because I was moving from one city in Michigan to another city in Michigan the next week, so it wasn’t the happiest of occasions.

I was psyched for this year. (Except for the fact that birthdays force one to confront their own mortality.)

It was floppy. Both my actual birthday and the party.

I feel like I’m being kinda whiney. The intention is for it to be humorous. *Flings humor at you*

A Random Pun From The Internet: What do you call a thieving alligator?… A CROOKODILE. *Ba dum crash* *Crickets*

So as I’m writing this, it’s 6/18/2018, which is also the day after father’s day, which is also the day after my birthday party. I invited about fifteen people. Many of them couldn’t come because of father’s day or other random things they had to do. A couple of people canceled the day before my party.

So overall, we had me, my brother, and Spinette. And we had THREE GUESTS.

And we had three pitchers of drinks.

Ten chairs.

A relatively large cake.

Three pizzas.

And six people, three of whom were me, my brother, and Spinette (people who are obligated to come).

*Crickets*

At one point, one of them asked when everyone else was going to get there.

My response: *Crickets*

We had fun. It was just kinda…awkward.

Am I allowed to have a redo?

(Also, Spinette got me My Chemical Romance and Twenty One Pilots t-shirts along with a new cactus! I don’t currently have a picture of the new cactus because Spinette is cactus-sitting them while I’m in Bangladesh.)

The Weaver Family Has Grown! (And Another Announcement)

Heyo peeps! Finals are finally over. And I didn’t suck!

It’s been a while. I hope you guys liked all those reblogs. There are still a couple left to go through.

But! Exciting news! We got more pets!

 

IMG-0263

My amazing friend got me cacti for my birthday!

The one on the left is Captain Cactus and the one on the right is Sentinel Succulent. And Spinette had an absolutely BRILLIANT idea.

Introducing… The Cactus Army!

IMG-0264

 

Okay… Now to the other announcement.

I know you guys JUST got me back, but I have to leave again on June 20th. We’re going to Bangladesh! *Half-hearted cheer* We’ll be back on July 15th.

In the meantime, Spinette will keep you company and I’ll have some posts scheduled ahead, but I won’t be able to reply to all your lovely comments. (Because there won’t be WiFi, as far as I’m aware.)

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

I hope you’re all spending your days with your mothers and you made her lovely presents and some popcorn. Or not.

This song, Mama by My Chemical Romance, is my favorite song. And The Black Parade is my latest obsession. I’ve listened to it about seven times. *Sheepish grin*

Click here if the video doesn’t play.

She’s Having a Baby?!

So last Monday, my cousin’s wife had a baby. I didn’t know she was pregnant.

Sure, big families can be fun with the endless stream of people who are obligated to like you. But they can also be a burden.

When you near forty cousins, there’s a problem. Many problems, in fact. Such as no one telling you that one of them is having a baby. And not being able to remember said baby’s name.

One day your mom will tell you that one of your closest cousin’s has a new wife (He got married?!) or is having another baby (He’s married?!).

And you can never remember a week later that they got married or had a baby.

 

Or sometimes you’ll be at a party and some random stranger will come up to you and the following conversation will ensue:

Stranger: Hey, Arachnid! I’m your aunt! I saw you when you were three. You used to run around without clothes on. Remember?

Arachnid: Oh, hey…yeah. I totally remember that. You’re my favorite relative! How could I possibly forget you? Uhh… Remind me how we’re related?

*Stranger that claims she is your relative holds out her arms for a hug.*

Arachnid (Thinking): Who in the blobfish is this random dude? I’m supposed to HUG her?!

*Arachnid awkwardly shakes the stranger’s hand*

 

I often have difficulties remembering all the members of the Weaver family (There are so many!). I ask my parents beforehand whenever we go to visit family. I still can never remember their names, though.

Most of my cousins are a lot older than me, and they’re all getting married (I’m going to go off on a little tangent about arranged marriages now. One of my cousins is getting married this summer. It was arranged. They talked on Facebook for NINE DAYS when he proposed to her. And she said yes. THEY HAVE NEVER MET IN PERSON. *Ultimate face-palm. Face-palm so hard I accidentally decapitate myself*) And my cousins are all getting married to people with even BIGGER families and then I have to learn all of their names.

A couple months ago, a large portion of my family went to my dad’s brother’s son’s son’s first birthday party. One of my cousin’s friends came to the party and he asked my cousin how he was related to the Birthday Boy.

Friend: How are you guys related?

Cousin: Uhh… He’s my mother’s sister’s husband’s brother’s son’s son.

Friend: …

 

I need to make a flowchart or something to keep track of everyone.


Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to Ask TheWebWeavers, our advice column, using the Contact Page.

The Secrets of Santa Claus

Santa Claus may be one of the most mysterious of the holiday figures (including the Easter Bunny, Cupid, etc.). He’s also very popular, considering how many people impersonate him in the winter months. Do you think there are more Elvis Presley or Santa impersonators?

There are some serious plot holes in his story, but that’s to be expected as he’s so mysterious.

Every year on the 25th of December, he manages to accomplish the impossible and travels to every house on the globe whether it is to deliver colorful presents or coal.

 

I have some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop does this.

Some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop travels to every house on the globe in one night:

  1. Santa Claus is secretly The Flash
  2. Santa has the power to clone himself
  3. Santa controls the minds of every parent and forces them to buy presents (or coal) for their children and put them underneath decorated pine trees on midnight on Christmas Eve.

 

Do you think Santa gets migraines from watching every single kid every single minute of every single day?

And how does he deliver presents in tropical climates without melting in his big red suit?

 

Another question to consider: How does Santa, a very large man, fit down such small chimneys? Is he actually smaller than people assume? Or can he shrink himself? Or is his large size all a trick of proportions and cameras?

And what does he do when the house doesn’t have a chimney? Climb in the window?

And what if the fireplace is on?