Savoring a Social Gathering!

Hello! If you cannot already tell by the title, this post is about savoring a Social Gathering. It appears that Arachnid has taught to the wrong way to survive such situations and this blog post is here to fix it. Really, it’s not about surviving at all, but just partying hard and savoring the moment. So how do you really survive a Social Gathering?

1.Examine your specimens.

I cannot stress this enough! Examining your specimens is the first and most important step to looking good at a party. Look at their face, their body, their mannerisms, to see if this is the right crowd for you. If it is right, go away immediately. By doing this you create something like school, a bunch of cliques just bunching up, which is an absolute mess. Do you enjoy hugging trees? Go to the group of business men looking to destroy the environment with more paper! Are you a lazy slug? Go dance with the people doing breakdown dances, sweating of the dance floor. It doesn’t matter if they look at you weird, just have fun! But as a always hip-party-person, you must want more than just a group that doesn’t suit you, you want to talk to them, correct?

You: *eagerly nods*

2. Compliment your dishes.

This step will need a lot of examination from the first step. Don’t just compliment them on something vague, compliment them on something so specific that they won’t even notice it! Here are some examples:

“Your bleeding pinkie cuticle poking out from under that bandage of yours tastes nice.”

“The Frosted Flakes in your hair really adds some nice smells!”

“Have I mentioned that the stealth of which you flush the toilet also while passing toilet paper to me is fabulous?”

“I like the angle of which the pimple on your nose slopes. Perfect 90 degrees, baby!”

“Those farts smell like tropical fruit.”

“The way you burn your tongue while eating pizza is just adorable!”

“Your torso is quiet spherical. Like, just like Pi spherical, you know? It’s just like your head!”

These are example of perfect compliments to give your peers. If they try to back away, slowly, you are probably doing it right! Make sure to grab them by the neck and make sure they can’t get away. Only then you can move on to the next step and prove that you want to socialize with those people.

3. Physical Contact/ Making Sure They Stay

Now for the hard part, making sure they stay. You can hug them, lock the door, chain them to a chair, press all the buttons in a elevator, and parading them with questions. This is the hard part because POI (person of interest) seems to not be interested back and will try to run off. Your job is to not let them, because you know they will stay once they get to know you. The real you.

Most people get nervous at physical contact or even queasy (especially Arachnid) at such gestures. Here, confidence is key. Do not back down, and make sure your prisoners——friends have no options to escape. No one can hear them scream.

You: WAAAAAAAAGHHH!

 

 

A Challenge

Authors are the ultimate problem-solvers. Think about it. They have solutions to everything, both possible and impossible outside of the imagination. How many narrow escapes have your favorite characters made? Daring last-minute rescues?

Every narrow escape and every daring last-minute rescue were planned and executed (with a pen) by the author.

They wrap up loose ends with a bow for their livings! There is no problem that an author cannot solve.

How many times have you stayed awake late into the night, biting your nails as you are sure that your slippery favorite character has finally met circumstances out of his or her unlimited capabilities? How sure were you that this was your slippery favorite character’s horrible demise? How many snotty tears of grief did you cry for your slippery favorite character’s inevitable end?

But how many times did your slippery favorite character reveal a complex plan to save them all that has been brewing since the first page? Or how many times did unexpected help arrive at the last moment?

The answer to this, dear nonexistent reader, is every single time because your favorite slippery character was slippery enough to slip through the cracks of the slippery pickle.

You must remember, dear nonexistent reader, that an author not only solves the problem but creates the problem in the first place. Thus, the author can always create a solution because they, unlike the poor, slippery main character, can change the problem.

In an underground cell, deep under the ground with no possible means of escape, the author can provide the slippery main character with a bobby pin in his or her hair and the skills necessary to pick a lock.

On the brink of starvation, the author can provide the slippery main character with a bow and arrows and the skills necessary to hunt. (Or a gourmet meal prepared by an excellent chef could mysteriously appear on his or her slippery doorstep.)

So I challenge you, dear nonexistent reader, to solve this unsolvable problem. I challenge you, dear nonexistent reader, to save the slippery main character from his inevitable demise.

Character had never been trapped before. He had unlimited power and unending skill. He could do anything and everything the first time with utter perfection. But now, now he was trapped and he did not know what to do. His mind was blank. All the ideas that normally fought for space in his head had suddenly disappeared.

His arms were bound to his sides with iron bands. His legs were locked together similarly. He was trapped in a coffin-like steel box, sealed completely except for five nickel-sized holes above his head for air, through which water was steadily trickling in now.

The water was up to his wrists already, and it was so, so cold. No one knew where he was, where he could be. No one would’ve looked for him anyway.

A single thought bloomed like a golden crystal of snow in his otherwise empty mind, I am going to meet my inevitable demise…

Slugventures Review

The title has probably led you to believe that there will be a review of Slugventures in this post. But, obviously, I will not be reviewing my own book, as that would be very vain of me.

Following the colon will be links that will direct you to reviews of Slugventures done by other people:

Teenage Book Reader

Make sure to check out their blogs as well. They’re probably awesome.

 

Slugventures Part 2

 

I am aware that you have all been waiting and waiting and waiting some more for Slugventures to finally come out on Kindle. I have come to notify you that your wait is finally over.

Dear future nonexistent reader,

You must read Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug—a book full of wit, cunning, and absolute stupidity—to fulfill the life goals you didn’t know you had.

Q&A Part 2!!! (Spinette Edition)

Will Ned the Narwhal retrieve answers or just the same anonymous identities as Nobody? Will he succeed in such plans, to expose these two authors to the world?

“Good morning, Spinette,” Ned the Narwhal greeted. “Can you step aside for a few questions?”

“Yes,” I agreed, stepping aside.

“Why did you step away?” Ned asked.

“That was only one question,” I said, distractedly, making eye contact with an adorable spider. “I was expecting more questions to come this way, after being so polite. Arachnid would be proud of me after telling me to mind my manners.”

“Oh!” Ned finally asked some more, blinking twice in surprise. “How is life with your very, very, very private neighbor?”

“I enjoy her company, as I do yours,” I replied. “It is fun to see her turn back from her spider form. The way the spider hairs crawl back to normal toes is mesmerizing.”

Ned raised an eyebrow. “Are you human?”

“I honestly can’t say for sure.”

He gave me another question: “How do you think Arachnid types on her keyboard? With two hands, or eight legs?”

“We don’t type. We appreciate old school.” Suddenly, I had an idea. A beautiful idea that would certainly involve Ned. I grinned, somewhat evilly.

“Uh… How old are you?”

“I’m—” I stopped myself. “How old are you?”

“22 years,” Ned’s eyes squirmed around the room, frantic. Was the way I was looking at him that scary?

“How are your trips to Unicornia?” I asked, questions piling up on one another. “Who is your greatest enemy? What topping do you like on your pizza?”

Ned backed away into a corner. “The trips aren’t great; Edna because she cursed me; and mushrooms.”

“Yes. Perfect.” I licked my lips.

“What are you saying that for?” Ned was shivering in that corner.

“I always wondered what it would be like, ” I smiled widely, grabbing his fins, “to have you for dinner, Ned.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Arachnid came into my house, covered in black soot.

“Arachnid!” I hugged her as she squirmed away, not wanting associate with me. “Why are you covered in black stuff?”

“I ran into Santa on my way here. He was on summer vacation,” she said sarcastically, wiping herself off on my carpet. “I came here to clean myself, since I don’t want this dirt all over my house.”

I know what she’d been doing, of course. She was cleaning her chimney which I recently trashed by pouring glitter down it. It is a long story.

“Do you want some dinner?” I asked.

“No.” She frowned.

“Okay, ” I took her hand and led her to my dining room, knives glinting on the walls. “I need your help for something too.” Once she saw what it was, she turned to run away, but I held her stiffly by the neck.

Ned was sitting there on the table, eating some mushroom pizza. “Hi.”

“Hello,” I waggled my thumbs, shyly.

“I DON’T WANT TO EAT DINNER WITH A FAT NARWHAL!” Arachnid screamed, trying to struggle out of my grip.

“Shhh…,” I whispered, “We need to write this character out of our house! You broke my computer yesterday, so I need you to write him away!”

“Then why didn’t you say so?” she whisper-shouted, taking out her laptop. Instantly, she typed a lousy conclusion to this interview.

Then the narwhal swam away, magically forgetting everything that happened in that soot-covered house. THE END.

Ned started swimming away, magically forgetting everything. But I wanted to do more.

“This is one thing you shouldn’t forget,” I neared him.

“What? Who are you?” he asked, disoriented.

I licked his shiny blue-white head, savoring the flavor upon my taste buds. “You taste nice, but for future reference, spice it up, okay?”

“WHAT WAS THAT? DIDN’T I TELL YOU TO MIND YOUR MANNERS?!” Arachnid shouted.

I watched as the narwhal goes into his bubble, floating like a fairy in the air, never to see us, his creators, ever again.

 

Imaginary Q&A

The following Q&A is completely imaginary, which means it never happened. If you were to ask, “Whose imagination is it?”, I would answer, “Why, yours, dear nonexistent reader.”

“Is Arachnid your real name?” Nobody asks.

“Of course. When Spinette and I were born, our parents immediately knew that we would grow up to become spider-themed authors and named us accordingly.”

“Where do you live?”

“I can assure you, Nobody, that I live in this universe, or the next, or in Somebody’s imagination,” Arachnid answers, slightly bored and highly annoyed.

“How long have you known Spinette?” Nobody asks. He falls off his seat after asking this question and lies on the floor at Arachnid’s feet.

Arachnid sips her cranberry juice, unsurprised at his poor coordination, and answers, “Not longer than I can remember.”

“How old are you?” Nobody inquires from the floor. He picks up a spider and lets it crawl over his hand.

“Why do you ask?”

“Why does Anybody ask a question?” Nobody replies.

“Because he does not know the answer.”

“Exactly.”

“Moving on,” Arachnid says, moving on.

“Rumor says that you are part spider.”

“That’s not a question.”

“Alright.” Nobody pauses for a moment, rewording his statement so it can become a question. “Are the rumors that you are part spider true?”

“This interview is making you uncomfortable.”

“You mean,” Nobody says, the spider making a web on his shoulder, “‘This interview is making you uncomfortable.'”

“No.”

“Is Spinette human?”

“Goodbye.”

“Um…,” Nobody mumbles, picking himself up off the floor, “I’ll be leaving now.”

“Put the spider back.”

Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug

Hello and good day, dear nonexistent readers.

My good friend, Spinette Spyder, and I, Arachnid Weaver, have published our very first book! It is called, if you haven’t guessed by the title, Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug.

The book, if you haven’t guessed by the name of the title, about the adventures of a slug. The specific slug that this book is about is named PeeWee, who has a highly annoying personality.

Slugventures is the documentation of PeeWee the slug’s adventures as he attempts to save the unicorn race from exposure.

If you, dear nonexistent reader, are scouring the Earth for more of our witty humor and particular writing style which you have grown to know and love, you do not have to search any further, for we have provided you with what you seek. It is found in the pages of Slugventures, which you will find by following the link following the colon: