The Sunshine Blogger Award

Greetings, people of the universe! I should probably be finishing my summer homework… but here we are.

I was nominated by the unique and awesomazing (which is totally a word) Have You Ever Noticed? You nonexistent guys should check out this hilarious blog that points out all the things you’ve never noticed about your life.


RULES

  1. First of all, thank the blogger who has nominated you and link to their blog in your post.
  2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger.
  3. Nominate 11 more blogs, who you think should be given this award.
  4. List the rules and the logo of the award on your post or in your blog.

THE QUESTIONS

  1. What is one dish you like to cook?I have no idea how to cook. I can make cereal, toast, and pb&j. Of those measly three, cereal is my favorite. (FROSTED MINI WHEATS. GIVE ME.)
  2.  How would you describe your favorite pair of shoes?Suede, tan-colored combat boots with faded soles that haven’t fallen apart yet.
  3. What is the best thing that you did last week?I walked through a forest. (But this “forest” was next to a highway, so the illusion was kinda broken by the sound of the cars honking and rushing around.) It was a ton a fun and it smelled really good.
  4. If you could have lunch with one author (living or dead) who would it be and why?Leigh Bardugo because she created Six of Crows.
  5.  What kind of snack do you like to add to your ice cream?Whipped cream. Whipped cream is basically warm ice cream. My favorite ice cream flavor is mint chocolate chip.
    • Also, whipped cream is totally a snack.
  6.  If you could return to any decade and visit a movie set, which would you like to see and why?Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. It’s my favorite movie and I’d love to see the magic in real life.
    • Harry Potter because Hogwarts.
    • I just finished watching Les Miserables yesterday and I loved it, so I’d like to see that set as well.
  7. What is a song that makes you smile?Mama by My Chemical Romance.
    • “Mama, we’re all going to die.” The lyrics just make me happy.
  8. What advice would you give to your younger self?Try cotton candy. I swear you’ll love it.
  9. What is one food you just can’t eat?Mayonaise.
      • Story time!
      • One time, my cousin went to a restaurant with her coworkers and she had pasta with alfredo. She adored it, so she wanted to recreate it for us. Except there was one mixup. She thought that the alfredo was mayonaise. I was skeptical because I HATED mayonaise, but her excitement was contagious, so we couldn’t wait for the weekend when she would make us this delicious pasta. She went out and purchased the igredients and made dinner for the entire family that weekend and she was so proud.
      • But the pasta was heaped with mayonaise and I gagged at the first bite. My dad made me finish the entire bowl.
  10. If you can earn a gold medal in any sport, what would it be and why?I seriously doubt that I’d ever get an aluminum medal in a sport, let alone a gold one. I’m very unathletic. So, my sport is waffle consumption.
  11. What is something you wish you could add to your blog and why?Animations! I don’t have the time or equipment to do them, but I think animations would go wonderfully with a lot of our posts.
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The Forgotten Blog Ideas

Heyo, peeps!

I’ve had many blog post ideas over the nearly-year, some of them good, some of them bad, and some which never made the cut. As I’m one to go all-out with bad post ideas, the ones that don’t make the cut are usually just too short. Like only a couple sentences long. But I guarantee that those couple sentences are funny and they don’t deserve to rot away in my notebook of blog ideas. So why not mash them together into a disconnected post and let them have a bit of the spotlight?


  • Playing hot potato with ACTUAL hot potatoes. I mean, who even does that anymore?
  • When you think you’ve been eating multivitamins, but they’re actually gummy bears.
  • When I’m angry at someone, I find that it helps to imagine their head as a watermelon and a conveniently-placed hammer in your hand.
  • What if animals had equal rights? What if you hit a squirrel with your car and it died? Would you be charged with manslaughter (squirrelslaughter)?
  • There’s morning people (early birds), night people (night owls), and me: the perpetually tired.
  • Why did the chicken cross the road?
    • This joke is funny because the listener expects a funny punchline, but the punchline (to get to the other side) is so decidedly unfunny that it’s shocking, and therefore it’s funny.
  • What happened to all the older people in YA fantasy?
  • Nut Ramblings
    • Cashews are my favorite nut
    • Salted almonds are bad
    • Unsalted peanuts are bad
    • So since peanuts must be salted and almonds cannot be salted, peanuts and almonds can’t mix, even though they’re both nuts.
  • bubble cars
  • Is the scent of a freshly mown lawn actually grass blood?
  • Red is my favorite flavor
  • Leave an index card that is decorated and says, “Have a stunning day” in every library book you read for others to find. On the back, write, “Why, today is amazing“.
  • Never stick your hand (or anything else) in the flame. It is not good for your health. (I can’t remember what I meant by this. I don’t get the italics either.)
  • Sayings
    • Never ask a question you don’t know the answer to.
    • The only possible motive for asking a question is to see what the other person knows.
    • One must always believe whatever one finds on the internet.
    • One must never have any expectations at all so one will always be impressed with one’s accomplishments.
    • The worse something tastes, the healthier it must be.
  • Emojis that should exist
    • Yellow circle (for when there is no emotion)
    • scowl
    • stick figure
    • bemused expression
    • one with crossed arms
    • half-smile
    • glaring
    • evil witch cackles
    • furrowed brows
  • From what direction do you peel a banana?
  • When I was a kid, I’d rip the heads off of gummy bears and stick them on other bodies. Is that weird?

So welcome to a piece of my mind. If you didn’t already think I was crazy, here’s some more evidence to prove you otherwise.

This was actually really helpful because while I was looking through my notebooks, I found a bunch of good ideas that I haven’t written posts for yet I think!

The Liebster Award

Hello, marshmallows of the universe! I was called upon by the lovely Sophia Ismaa to answer some questions, so answer some questions I shall!

And you guys are marshmallows, so obviously you should be invited.

Because marshmallows are squishy.


RULES

  • Acknowledge the blogger who nominated you
  • Answer their questions
  • Nominate 11 other bloggers to motivate them
  • Ask them 11 questions
  • Let them know you have nominated them

Questions

  1. Do you believe in ghosts?
    • Nope. But does anyone want to try convincing me in the comments?
  2. What is your favorite book?
    • As you probably already know, my favorite book is Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo. Dudes, this is an amazing book. Don’t question it. Just read it.
  3. What is your favorite film?
    • Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. This is a movie that is equally as amazing as Six of Crows. I cannot wait for The Crimes of Grindelwald. I watched the movie for the first time before I even read Harry Potter, so I was both utterly confused and utterly in love. It’s a beautiful movie.
  4. Who is your favorite celebrity and why?
    • I’m going to answer this question as specifically ‘favorite actor’ because if we throw authors into the mix, this post would be far too long.
    • I love Emma Watson because of all the work she does as an activist.
    • I love Eddie Redmayne because he’s an amazing actor. And dude, Fantastic Beasts.
  5. Who is the most powerful person in your life? (Emphasis on power).

    • It’s not technically a person, but I’m going to go with my head because it makes me do a bunch of things I’d rather not (namely schoolwork) against my will and blames it on my sense of responsibility. Basically, my head is the parent and I’m the kid being dragged on a leash across the sidewalk while throwing a tantrum, but still being dragged all the same.
    • But being dragged is good for you because schoolwork is good for you.
  6. Favorite song at the moment?
  7. What is your dream job?
    • An author/comedian/world-famous lazy person.
  8. Describe your worst dinner party (use your imagination!).
    • I’m wearing a horrible, heavy, itchy, ugly, impractical dress.
    • It’s hot.
    • People are chewing really, really obnoxiously.
    • Spinnette’s not there.
    • It’s in a volcano.
    • The food is really spicy.
    • Everyone is making small talk.
    • While making small talk, people are chewing with their mouths open and the food is going everywhere.
    • All the people there are people I don’t like.
  9. Invent a new word and provide a definition.
    • Bagoozale (noun): Informal term for strong winds that tend to blow cacti into clouds, resulting in cactus-rain.
  10. You are a rapper who has reached worldwide fame, what is your rapper name?
    • Arachnid, but pronounced Arachnid.
  11. Tell us the worst or funniest reason that got you in detention or in trouble.
    • Story Time! So, first, a fact. Elementary schoolers tend to be stupid in the common sense department. No elementary schoolers are excluded. Apologies to all elementary schoolers, but this cannot be denied.
    • So. At our elementary school, in the winter EVERYONE would hunker down and mine ice. We’d form tribes of elementary schoolers, either organized by grade, class, or friend groups, depending on whether people felt like working together. (But, of course, some decided to go lone wolf.)
    • When the parking lot and the paved part of the playground were shoveled, the snow plows would leave the piles of snow on the edge of the playground. Hidden in these hard-packed snow piles were chunks of ice. Elementary schoolers of all ages would use other pieces of ice to chip away at the piles to collect more ice and carefully hide this ice for the entirety of recess.
    • It was hard work and no one really knew what the point was. It was always “We’ll eventually do something with this ice,” but that something was always postponed until everything melted. It’s like mindlessly doing the same taxing, but useless, thing over and over and over again until everything is destroyed then starting over again in an endless circle forever. Oh, wait. It’s exactly like that.
    • The ice-mining elementary schooler tribes would often raid other tribes’ ice-storage facilities (also made of ice), which is why the ice had to be hidden so carefully. Even so, someone always found it, so a day’s work was always reset the next day.
    • Throughout all this mess, no one ever realized the futility of it all.
    • Anyway, one day in first grade, the teacher whistled on her whistle to signal the end of recess, but my friend and I weren’t done hiding our ice and my friend demanded that I help her so I wouldn’t be the reason that someone steals all our ice (even though this is an inevitable fate).
    • So now first-grade me had a difficult choice to make. Teacher or friend? Should I listen to the authority figure or should I succumb to peer pressure?
    • I succumbed to peer pressure and helped my friend shove the ice underneath a pine tree.
    • We were late.
    • I got my first yellow card.

Going off topic now, is peer pressure really always a bad thing? Sure there’s negative peer pressure, which is what everyone tells you to avoid (as you should), but I think peer pressure can be good too. I tried a lot of new things because of peer pressure, like tubing, roller coasters, root beer, etc. that I wouldn’t have otherwise. And while I didn’t really like any of those three examples, I’m glad I tried them so I know what to avoid in the future.


Read More:

Showers

So today, I was looking at some random meme:

Image result for random things

Since everyone gets inspiration from memes, I decided to make a post about my own shower time limits.

When I was a small hatchling, my mother used to do this thing called Towel Time and showed me proportions of time passing using a towel. Each time she showed me this, she told me to spend less time in the shower since I was in there for too long. And I mean, extremely long—to the point to where I become a human prune!

Seriously, this meme dude has a firm grasp on this Towel Time concept because I don’t know anyone (besides the Grand Master Of the Towels, my mother) who would shower for such a short amount of time. When I step into the shower, time seems to just slip away as my fingers prune. To me, it’s like a drug—once you start, you can’t stop. Towel Time would be the creepy cigarette commercial after I’m done.

Now, let me break down the things I actually do in the shower.

Unlike the meme, I do not have the brain capacity to reflect on the universe and instead sing an odd blended combination of Kpop, the Heathers Musical, Disney songs and the National Anthem of the U.S.A. (I just really like singing the National anthem okay?). Also, bits of other pop songs I like on the radio are stuffed in as well. This takes about 70% of my shower time.

Before I start to sing, I talk to You for awhile and fantasize about situations could never be in. Of course, this is the other 29% remaining plus the other 1% dedicated to actually doing things that are supposed to be done in these water hubs.

Yep. Time Management.

 

 

 

 

The Sunshine Blogger Award

I was nominated for this award by the amazing Sophia Ismaa Writes. Go check out her blog because she’s simply amazing.

P.S. Sophia nominated me for this in February, so apologies for being extremely overdue. If this were a library, my fine would be quite hefty.


What is The Sunshine Blogger Award?

It’s an award given to bloggers who bring creativity, sunshine, and positivity to the lives of readers.


RULES

  1. First of all, thank the blogger who has nominated you and link to their blog in your post.
  2. Answer the 11 questions asked by the blogger.
  3. Nominate 11 more blogs, who you think should be given this award.
  4. List the rules and the logo of the award on your post or in your blog.

Questions

1) What is something that excites you these days?

So many things excite me! Cactus, kittens, Iceland, bronze thread, dark chocolate, mint, new food (especially desserts), SUGAR, new music, old music, etc.

2) What is your spirit animal?

One sec.

Me (To Google): What, exactly, is a spirit animal?

Google: ………[definition of a spirit animal]…….. Got it?

Me: I’m still confused…

My Patronus is an adder?

3) What is the best advice someone has given you?

I can’t remember. This is worrisome.

4) What was your first blog post and would you change anything about it now?

Gah. What have you done? You’re going to make me share my first blog post?!

*Melts in embarrassment*

This is the blogging equivalent of your parents showing your classmates your baby pictures.

The Home Page

Okay, so many things wrong with this. First, it wasn’t even on the home page. I didn’t know the difference between the home page and a post. Second, it wasn’t put in a category and it was tagged with only “home page”. Third, ~two hundred posts later, I’m glad my writing style has improved.

5) What is your favorite post ever written?

Solving all Your Stupid Problems

6) Which philosopher just gets you?

um…

7) Where are you from?

I was born in Canada, but I grew up in a smallish town in Michigan and I recently moved to a different, slightly larger but still smallish town in Michigan and I left Spinette behind. *quiet weeping*

8) What inspired you to start blogging?

My very first blog was started two years ago on a school field trip and it died in about three weeks. You could say my teacher inspired me to start blogging.

9) Who is your favourite person in the world and why?

Spinette because she’s awesome.

10) How would the people closest to you describe you?

It depends who you ask. If you ask Scorpion, he’d say annoying. If you ask my friends, they’d hopefully say that I’m quiet, but funny.

11) Invent your own question and answer it!

The answer is moaning iguanas.

Texting? What’s that?

LOL. BRB. ABC. TTYL. ETC.

Do you know what texting is? I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do know what it is because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to ask, “How oblivious can a person be?”

No one actually calls anymore. No, no, no. That’s so old-fashioned. It’s all about texting now. The blipipity-bloop-bloop buttons that are pressed to send sentences to other peeps. Like a faster version of email (email *scoffs*—so passé). Often, the buttons are quite small, resulting in numerous vexing typos.

But like good old snail-mail, one cannot convey emotions through simple text as well as one can through phone calls or *gasp* face-to-face interaction. Thus, the creation of the emoji.

This weekend, Spinette and I were sitting on a couch. We were less than six inches apart and yet we were texting instead of speaking. And the reasoning we used to validate this behavior was the lack of emoji in real life.

I mean, it’s not like you can use your face to display emotion. No, no, no. It’s all about that emoji.

Also, it should be noted that we were at an emoji-themed birthday party.

Keyword = emoji-themed.

Phones, phones, phones.

A Brief Example…

You are eating lunch with Friend A, B, and C. But you are currently texting Friend D, who is not there. You are texting Friend D because Friend A and B are group-chatting with Friend E and Friend C is staring off into space and slightly drooling and you don’t want to deal with that drool. Since no one at your lunch table is talking to you, you begin to text Friend D to entertain yourself and complain about Friend C’s drool.

Later, you are eating dinner with Friend D, but you are texting Friend C to talk about how awesome the restaurant is. Friend D gets bored of you not paying attention to him and goes off to another table to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has just walked into the restaurant.

The Solution…

If only you were to strike up a conversation. Then Friend A and B would stop texting Friend E because, honestly, you’re far more interesting than her. Friend C (whose phone was taken away because she refused to do the dishes) is intrigued by your conversation and joins in, ceasing to drool. Now, the drool problem is solved and you, Friend A, B, and C will all get your daily dose of Real Life Human Interaction.

And later, you can hold a proper conversation with Friend D so he doesn’t wander away and get caught up in the mess that is Ex-Boyfriend.

TADA

I am brilliant.

Liebster Award

Many thanks to the amazing Yes more blogs for tagging me. All you lovely marshmallows, go follow this amazing blogger! I love his writing style, it’s like a conversation.


The Rules (That I’m Totally Following Exactly)

  1. Thank the person who nominated you, and put a link to their blog on your blog. Try to include a little promotion for the person who nominated you. They will thank you for it and those who you nominate will also help you out as well.
  2. Display the award on your blog — by including it in your post and/or displaying it using a “widget” or a “gadget”. (Note that the best way to do this is to save the image to your own computer and then upload it to your blog post.)
  3. For the 2018 Liebster Award, I will be shaking things up! Write a small post about what makes you passionate about blog posting.
  4. Provide 10 random facts about yourself. (Again this year I’m making this optional. If you wish to engage with your readers it’s a great idea to include random facts about you.)
  5. Nominate 5 – 11 blogs that you feel would enjoy blogging about this award.
  6. List these rules in your post (You can copy and paste from here or simply link to this post.)
  7. Inform the people/blogs that you nominated that they have been nominated for the Liebster award and provide a link for them to your post.
  8. Interview/Q&A. Answer the questions provided by the blog nominating you and leave questions for your nominees.

Q&A

  1. What is your favorite place?
    1. My favorite place is either the library for being so ridiculously awesome or Disney World for being the place of my happiest memories. Or maybe the house I grew up in for being so beautiful. I have lots of favorite places.
  2. If you could have a conversation with anyone, who would it be?
    1. Keefe Sencen from Keeper of the Lost Cities. He’s my favorite book character and I’d love to meet him. He has a wicked sense of humor.
  3. Your most used phrase or word?
    1. Lovely. I use it far too much, but to be fair, it is an awesome word.
  4. What is the best part of blogging?
    1. Commenting and having conversations! I love talking to people all over the world about writing and books and blogging and a whole slew of random stuff.
  5. Name something that makes you laugh.
    1. Shipping individual sugar cubes in the mail.
  6. How do you relax?
    1. Reading!
  7. What do you want to achieve this month?
    1. I want to finish a short story. (Update: The short story has been completed as of 7/23/18)
  8. What is the best song you’ve ever heard?
    1. Mama by My Chemical Romance.
  9. Would you rather fly or read minds?
    1. Neither? Is that an option. I rather like the ground and I don’t really want to fly and reading minds would be awful. First, there’s the whole moral standpoint. Isn’t it an invasion of privacy? Second, I wouldn’t want to listen to everyone’s thoughts all the time. It’d be so distracting and it wouldn’t leave any room for my own thoughts. I also wouldn’t want to listen to every single thought that people think about me. It probably wouldn’t be good for my self-esteem. But if I had to choose one, I’d go with flying, just to avoid the mind reading.
  10. Do you believe we control our own fate?
    1. yes.

Read more:


Heyo, peeps! Apologies for not following the rules. It’s Scorpion’s (my brother’s) birthday today, and I’m spending time with him, so there was not enough time for all the rules. Some of the less important ones were forgotten.

My Little Brother Applies as a Writer for the Blog

Ahh, summer. Endless days of heat, mosquitos, and boredom. This boredom that comes with summer can inspire otherwise normal people to do crazy, radical things.

Scorpion Weaver, my little brother, has applied for a job at TheWebWeavers. Otherwise known as this blog. I don’t think he completely understands what a resume is supposed to do…

Scorpian's resume

If you can’t read his handwriting, which I assume is most of the human population, I’ll transcribe it here.

Cons for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • Will blame everything on Arachnid Weaver
  • bad at writing
  • Cannot spell properly
  • smells funny
  • will spin if given the opportunity
  • YUM!!!
  • will eat all of you cookies, WHERE ARE You HIDING THEM, I will find them
  • may lose all of your readers
  • will pelt you with questions
  • will ask you for help (make you write the posts for him)
  • his handwriting is very bad.

Pros for hiring Scorpion Weaver

  • none

He also wrote a poem…

the bird poem.jpg

A page for...long footed birds!

A very bad poem by Scorpion

 

Birds, they are the living

plane of the sky. Birds they

fly, birds they die. Birds cannot

see glass, oh what a sad

sight. Birds they can be

gross. Birds, they eat worms,

eww! Oh Birds I am sad

to see you go, birds

I wish you could stay

longer, but I must hibernate.

Goodbye birds.


Well, what do you think readers? Should we hire Scorpion?


A Note: I’m currently in Bangladesh for a three-week trip and I won’t be back until July 15, 2018, so I won’t be able to reply to your lovely comments until I get back.

Greta Thinks She’s A Labrador Retriever

I need a Greta. (I’ve finally repotted Sergeant Spike!)

Remember when you were first in love and the idea of taking a shower together seemed like such a romantic thing to do? That is until you realized that only one person could get under the shower head at a time. Plus, there really wasn’t enough room and soapy elbows polked soapy “insert your favorite […]

via Greta Thinks She’s A Labrador Retriever — Everyone Else Has the Best Titles

The Early Death of Our Advice Column (And How to Resurrect It)

Hello peeps! It is a sad occasion.

Unfortunately, our advice column, Ask TheWebWeavers, has died before it could grow up. There have been no questions to feed it and it has shriveled up.

Luckily, the corpse is still warm and it can be brought back with a little CPR and some questions.

Will you, dear reader, help save its life?

It only asks for questions. And the questions can be about absolutely anything. The world of curiosity and troubling problems is at your fingertips.

Do you have any questions that need answering? Send them to us through our contact page or in the comments and all your problems will be solved.

Ask TheWebWeavers #1 || The Spider Squisher

Ask The Webweavers #2: Stuck Up Peeps

Ask TheWebWeavers #3 || The Chewer

Happy Mother’s Day

 

Happy Mother’s Day everyone!

I hope you’re all spending your days with your mothers and you made her lovely presents and some popcorn. Or not.

This song, Mama by My Chemical Romance, is my favorite song. And The Black Parade is my latest obsession. I’ve listened to it about seven times. *Sheepish grin*

Click here if the video doesn’t play.

Why The Greatest Showman Is Not The Greatest Show

If you like The Greatest Showman, I suggest that you leave this post. This is a list of all things I despised about the movie.

  1. Flaky plot
  2. Just waiting for the next song
  3. Listening to all the songs and thinking, “That’s a generic pop song.”
  4. How PT Barnum used the weirdos for profit while telling them they would be famous
  5. CGI ELEPHANTS
  6. Glossing over the fact that Barnum probably abused animals
  7. Glossing over the part of movie where the weirdos were abused by people on the street
  8. Glossing over how the Zendaya and Zac Efron fell in love in the first place
  9. Glossing over the personalities of the weirdos
  10. Glossing over the personalities of Barnum’s family
  11. Glossing over Barnum’s actual personality
  12. GLOSSING OVER EVERYTHING
  13. The opera singer did not sing opera, but a stupid pop ballad thing
  14. Insulting Hannah Montana with “This Is Me.”
  15. Insta Romance with Zac and Zendaya
  16. The argument/agreement song between Zac and Barnum was so bland I forgot it right after it was sung
  17. Most of the songs were so bland I forgot them in the same way
  18. The beginning sounded like something from Fall Out Boy
  19. There was this beautiful scene with Barnum and his family on the roof of their apartment with all these moving sheets and this beautiful night sky but it was wasted on terrible characters and a failure of a plot
  20. How Barnum’s manipulation was seen as good while the ballad singer’s manipulation was seen as bad
  21. A BUNCH OF OTHER THINGS

Comebacks

I’m not one to get angry a bunch, but sometimes insults just grind my gears. Smoke blows out my ears, my face gets red (usually my nose), and I glare at that person for hours and hours. Just believe me on this one— I do get really mad. I don’t show it, but sometimes the anger just ripples under my skin. I metaphorically turn into Arachnid when she’s at a party, but it isn’t just discomfort under my glance, I have a raging fire. No, make that a war, a giant fight of good versus evil, chaos exploding everywhere in my mind as a glare at my newfound opponent.

Here are some punches you can use to destroy people who insult you. You can thank me later.

Insult 1: “You’re ugly!”

“I am shiny and all, but I think you are mistaking me for a mirror.”

“Am I? I was trying to look like you today!”

 

Insult 2: “I’m way cooler than you, you nerd!”

“Does that mean I’m hotter than you?”

“Is that why you are so slow? Brain Freeze?”

 

Insult 3: “You are weird.”

“And you are generic, Bob.”

“You are, but what am I?”

 

Insult 4: “You idiot!”

“If I called you an idiot back, it would be an insult to all the idiots of the world.”

“Brains aren’t everything, you know. In your case, they are nothing.”

 

Insult 5: “Your comebacks are awful!”

“At least I don’t lie every single time my lips move.”

“I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever bounces off me sticks on to you. Right now, you are dry glue on my finger tips, ready to be scratched off.”

 

Insult 6: “You are too young for this!” or “You are too old for this!” (only for things that don’t have age restrictions)

“Unlike you, I can count my years. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,…..”

“At least in these (whatever your age is) I’ve been doing something in my life!”

 

Insult 7: “You blobfish!”

“It looks like your mouth is having diarrhea!” *gets paper towel and wipes*

“Your butt must be jealous of all that junk you are spewing out!” *gets diaper*

 

Insult 9: “You open the door like this…see?” (like they actually think you are dumb)

“How do I shut your mouth? Can you teach me?”

“Oh, I actually know how to do that, but thank you.” *Slams the door in opponent’s face*

 

Insult 10: “You actually like that book?”

“I love it …but you are on the other side of the spectrum!”

“The words in this book are worth way more than your stinky comebacks.”

 

As I said again… you can thank me later you ugly, uncool, dumb, idiot, wrinkly baby elephants who reek of a foul stench.

I wanted to end the post like that so you nonexistent readers can parade me with comebacks in the comments, but I really just couldn’t. It’s hard to hate elephants who actually spend time reading what you have to type. I love you, nonexistent reader elephants! Remember to spread positive vibes and absolutely DESTROY anyone who stands in your way.

 

 

 

What Do You Think?

Hello, dear nonexistent readers!

Spinette and I are thinking about creating a (most likely humor-based) advice column where we will be solving all your problems!

So what do you think?

Will this work?

Do you think anyone would actually send us emails? Would you?

A note: We are totally qualified to start an advice column. 😉

The Unique Blogger Award

Heyo, nonexistent peeps! I was nominated for The Unique Blogger Award by the lovely Sophia Ismaa Writes. Go check out her blog, guys. She’s got some awesome posts.


The Rulez

  • Display the award!
  • Thank the person who nominated you and post a link to their blog on your blog.
  • Answer the questions they’ve written for you!
  • Nominate 8-13 bloggers and give them three questions in the spirit of sharing love and solidarity within our blogging family!

The Questionz

  1. If you reach an old age, what greatest/funniest moment of yourself (so far) will you share with loved ones?
    • There are so many funny moments to choose from (I am a clumsy person).
    • Once, I was eating breakfast with my friends, and I started gesturing wildly (which I do when the conversation gets intense) and I spilled my orange juice all over my lap. Later, on the same day, I spilled two liters of artificially colored pop on the floor.
    • For New Year’s, Spinette threw a party. She told me it was Western-themed, but when I got there, everyone was dressed in ball gowns. She had meant formal attire from the Western side of the globe. So everyone was dressed like it was prom and I was dressed like a cowboy.
  1. If you could switch two fictional/real characters, what switch would lead to the most inappropriate films/anime/books/situation? 
    • I can’t think of anything.
    • Hmm…
    • Nope. Still blanking.
    • Do you guys have any ideas?
  1. What weird food combinations do you really enjoy or what strange food habits do you have?
    • I will always save the best bite of the food for last, which is counterproductive. The idea is that saving the best for last will end the meal on a good note, but usually, by the time I’m done eating everything else, I’m too full to eat the last bite so I end up just not eating it.
    • There’s not really a weird food combination that I enjoy because I eat everything separately. Imagine a random pedestrian hands me a plate of mixed vegetables and forces me to eat it because they are holding all my books hostage. This plate of vegetables has asparagus, broccoli, carrots, and kidney beans. I would eat these various vegetables one at a time. So first I would eat all of the asparaguses. Then I would eat all the broccoli. Then the carrots, and then the kidney beans. I’m weird.
    • I eat bananas from the side.

I’m Nominating…

  1. Have You Ever Noticed?
  2. Navigating Worlds
  3. It’s Just a Restless Feeling
  4. Yes more blogs
  5. theherdlesswitch
  6. Bookish Thoughts

My Questions

  1. You are forced to leave WordPress for a year by a mysterious force, but you can’t let your readers know that you will be gone. Who do you ask to pretend to be you?
  2. Do you like vanilla or chocolate Oreos better?
  3. Pink lemonade and chocolate milk are delicious beverages, but strange flavor combinations if you think about it (Yes, pink is a flavor). What strange and new, but amazing, flavor combinations can you think of for drinks?

Jackie Part 3

The Giant’s P.O.V.

Oh! I peered through the eye-spot, watching a girl with a certain interest, It’s her.

“Jackie.” The word played with my tongue. I decided I liked the name, much how I appreciate the light pink flowers and the blooming scents around me. Red hair was how I remembered her, a short flash of red down to her shoulders, followed by a white shirt and overalls that had a rough texture to them, as I scanned my way down. She was a bit taller than when I encountered her last, with bread crumbs freckling her already dotted cheeks. Bored, she was throwing the last of her bread crumbs into a fire, finished with her morning meal.

The eye spot seemed to open from the chimney, in a bird’s eye view, wonderfully convenient, for this was the first time it had opened upon the girl. Particularly, I’ve been interested in her for many years, after her incident. It was amazing how humans could still stand after such crisis and problems for being such a small race. I knew for sure it was her— after all, who else could have such a rosy red appearance?

In my stalking, I heard the odd sound of lost magic: a whimsical whimper of waterfalling energy. Blue rays of light drip dropped, from my fingertips into the cloudy floor which I rested on everyday. The magic flickered under the egg white of the clouds like underground lighting.

“Am I doing too much?” I asked, frightened, staring into the waves of angry flowers. I was being too selfish again, keeping my magic from their leaves. It was better to share with others.

Their scent overtook my senses, the thick vanilla coating my lips, branching out slowly as the vines flew out towards me. They hastily grew over my figure, restraining any further action. The once peaceful set of vines quickly buckled into me, harsh thorns piercing into my skin and bone. The sensation tickled, like tiny monsters. Pain whittled in all parts of my body.

Thump! I flopped over, power draining from my consciousness, clouds bouncing upward with my descent. With panic, I scoured my cloud, overgrown with stringy green vines, blushing blurbs of blooming and budding flowers, in a sprawling spiral pattern. All suctioning my power away, ready to get me.

“Sorry.” I let my magic flow out, tending to my garden.

The vines edged away, flowers fluttering back to their sprawling legged arrangement, colors vibrant against the blank puffy cloudscape. Everything was back to normal again as if nothing had ever happened. Except for the low whistles of the blue light aggressively pumping itself back into the flowers again. A warning. Grumpily, I took a patch of the overgrowth and pushed it in my mouth, slurping it down so the awful somewhat bittersweet taste couldn’t reach my tastebuds. Vines dangled, flowers fell at my distasteful chews, and I crossed my arms, my face swelling in anger.

-By watching the antics of humans I have seemed to adopt some traits.

Magic was what kept me alive, along with the plants in the jungle like meadow—but sometimes I took too much for myself. It had so much more capabilities than just simple nutrition, such as using the middle of a flower as a telescope to watch people go by.

“Please…” I put my hands together like a begging human , “Today is a day that people congregate around for the Storytelling of Jack, and I really want to see!” I let a part of my hair fall on my blue skinned complexion, sighing. The vines hadn’t even moved in response!

“Please?” My eyes bubbled up. They loosened—however slightly, in approval. That was a good answer for me!

Blue light coursed through my body, from the very ends of my frayed white hair to the pear shape of my hips, manifested in a pleasurable moan. My hands cascaded down the bump of my neck, energy satisfyingly quenching my dry throat after the short absence of magical waves. Glowing bright, my eyes transformed into a new, ambitious shade of blue.

Feeling a breeze of relief, I gently grabbed another flower, caressing its petals. It glowed with blue light, the light drawing blue lines upon them. My thumb brushed its yellow center, dashing it with a bit of magic. Slowly, the flower telescope opened up, this time from a flower’s perspective, low down on the beanstalk.

Her back faced me, letting me take in all the mystical bits of her springy red hair, small natural ringlets formed towards the bottom. As red as ever. For some reason the thought made me want to find out more. I love the color red, fiery, ambitious, frightful, fierce, passionate… the list goes on and on. Of course, I just had to be blue! I gazed down at my knees, dark blue in its pigment and my hair also a lighter, but equally blue shade.

From behind Jackie’s figure, I saw a tiny boy. Who was this? My interest rocketed to him, his stubborn nose and a mischievous smile, strings of brown emerging from his head. And what did he want from Jackie? He appeared to be holding her hand and was certainly out of breath, huffing and puffing.

Fortunately, Jackie seemed to be in her own world, nostrils widening, (We have all heard “eyes widening” before! Why not give it a change?) to smell the scent of vanilla, whirling in the air. She enjoyed my scent! Following her nose, she ended up staring into my eyes hypnotically, through the eyespot, ready to catch a fresh whiff.

I scrambled back, a flustered blush swaying on my cheeks. Magic, having its repercussions, blasted from my fingers to the flower I was using as a telescope. Boom! It exploded, yellow pollen and seeds blanketing my bosom, as chaotic vines grew up from there. In panic, I frantically tore out the crazy plants, trying to minimize the magic I recently reloaded myself with.

Magic does two things: it either reacts with magic quickly and easily, or reacts with normal items slowly and with hard spells. – a note taken from the Witch’s Handbook.

As I tore at the flowers, more and more grew in an endless cycle, the overwhelming scent that I used to love burning the insides of my nose. They continued growing, vines swiftly edging up my torso. If I didn’t do something quickly, the plants would encase me! I shuddered at that thought, gagging at the smell as a barricade of flowers bloomed above my chest.

“Stop!” I giggled, a single leaf tickling my belly button, “Stop it!” My giggles escalated to painful stomach hollers, “hWOoo… If you don’t stop?” I was getting drunk on the scent— that’s what I get, I guess, for making such a simple mistake. They climbed up further, into strands of my hair, and circling around my neck. Everything was turning foggy, pink blobs of flowers fluttering in my face like lethal butterflies, with delusions intoxicating my mind, painting it with ink.

“STOP!” A ragged yell pranced from the corners of my mouth.

BOOM! Magic roared from up above. BANG! BOOSH!

The flowers stopped growing, doused in an infinite amount of magic. Even the cloud seemed to be exhausted from my explosion. I was out of breath, holding onto everything I could manage to grasp, every part of my body pulsing with pain, my eyes hurting the most, now dulled of their once vibrant color.  Naughtily, I gave a tired smirk, thinking, It’s all okay! If I could just…

I blacked out.

Part 1

Part 2

-Spinette Spyder

Texting? What’s that?

LOL. BRB. ABC. TTYL. ETC.

Do you know what texting is? I’m going to operate under the assumption that you do know what it is because if you don’t, I’ll be forced to ask, “How oblivious can a person be?”

No one actually calls anymore. No, no, no. That’s so old-fashioned. It’s all about texting now. The blipipity-bloop-bloop buttons that are pressed to send sentences to other peeps. Like a faster version of email (email *scoffs*—so passé). Often, the buttons are quite small, resulting in numerous vexing typos.

But like good old snail-mail, one cannot convey emotions through simple text as well as one can through phone calls or *gasp* face-to-face interaction. Thus, the creation of the emoji.

This weekend, Spinette and I were sitting on a couch. We were less than six inches apart and yet we were texting instead of speaking. And the reasoning we used to validate this behavior was the lack of emoji in real life.

I mean, it’s not like you can use your face to display emotion. No, no, no. It’s all about that emoji.

Also, it should be noted that we were at an emoji-themed birthday party.

Keyword = emoji-themed.

Phones, phones, phones.

A Brief Example…

You are eating lunch with Friend A, B, and C. But you are currently texting Friend D, who is not there. You are texting Friend D because Friend A and B are group-chatting with Friend E and Friend C is staring off into space and slightly drooling and you don’t want to deal with that drool. Since no one at your lunch table is talking to you, you begin to text Friend D to entertain yourself and complain about Friend C’s drool.

Later, you are eating dinner with Friend D, but you are texting Friend C to talk about how awesome the restaurant is. Friend D gets bored of you not paying attention to him and goes off to another table to talk to an ex-boyfriend who has just walked into the restaurant.

The Solution…

If only you were to strike up a conversation. Then Friend A and B would stop texting Friend E because, honestly, you’re far more interesting than her. Friend C (whose phone was taken away because she refused to do the dishes) is intrigued by your conversation and joins in, ceasing to drool. Now, the drool problem is solved and you, Friend A, B, and C will all get your daily dose of Real Life Human Interaction.

And later, you can hold a proper conversation with Friend D so he doesn’t wander away and get caught up in the mess that is Ex-Boyfriend.

TADA

I am brilliant.

Liebster Award Part 2

Heyo nonexistent peeps!

I have been nominated for the Liebster Award again, so infinite thanks to Mavis Dee and Navigating Worlds.

I’m going to set this post up like a Q&A because I wasn’t planning on doing two posts for the same award, but their questions were irresistible.


Questions from Mavis Dee

  1.  What is your go-to takeaway order?
    • Muffins!
  2. If you could be any living creature, what would you be and why?
    • I’ve thought about this a lot for unrelated reasons. But I really can’t decide.
      • Crow cuz they can fly and they’re super awesome (and also Six of Crows).
      • Narwhal because they are the sea-version of unicorns.
      • A tree (specifically cedar tree) because they are saving the world.
      • Immortal Jellyfish because they’re super awesome and also immortal and I wouldn’t have to worry about confronting my own mortality anymore.
      • Kiwi Bird cuz I love kiwi birds.
  3. You have one wish. You’re not allowed to wish for anything for anyone else or for anything altruistic. What do you wish for?
    • I’d wish for either an abolishment of homework or an unlimited gift card for Barnes & Nobles.
  4. What is the greatest ever song?
  5. If you could banish one person from this planet, who would it be?
    • A lot of people definitely annoy me a lot, but I don’t think I’d be able to banish anyone. Hmm… Okay, I can think of one person.
  6. If you could travel in time to any point in history, when and where would you go?
    • I’d want to be there for the moon landing.
  7. If you could have any profession, what would you be?
    • An author or a comedian [joke]. Or a musician. But trust me, I cannot sing.
  8. Where would you like to live if you could live anywhere at all?
    • Michigan. Or New Zealand (cuz kiwi birds).
  9. If you were stranded on a desert island, who would you most like to find you?
    • Finally, an easy one. Spinette Spyder.
  10. If you were a fictional character, who would you be?
    • I would be the adorable best friend who is also the comedic relief. Otherwise known as Keefe Sencen.
  11. What’s your best feature of all?
    • I think this means physical feature, so I’m going to go with my eyeballs.

Questions from Navigating Worlds

  1. You need a team of 3 people to help you overthrow an emperor. Which fictional characters would you recruit and why?
    • Kaz Brekker from Six of Crows: The Planner
    • Celaena Sardothien from Throne of Glass: The Assassin
    • Keefe Sencen from Keeper of the Lost Cities: The Best Friend
  2. What is the most surprising twist you have come across in a novel?
    • The most surprising twist I’ve ever read was in We Were Liars by E. Lockhart. I didn’t see it coming at all and it was absolutely amazing. A close second is in Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. Obviously, I’m not going to tell you what happened in the twists.
  3. You are hunting for a house to buy with your family. The only places available are Northern Westeros (north of the wall), Mordor, and Arrakis. At which location will you purchase a home?
    • Uhhh… I’ve never heard of any of these places. Pass?
  4. If you had to attend a fictional school of magic, which one would you select?
    • I think this question is set up so everyone will answer with Hogwarts. Hogwarts. Hogwarts is the fictional school of magic.
  5. You are the likable, but slightly useless, best friend to the main character. What one skill keeps you out of trouble?
    • My impeccable sense of humor. The Main Characters of the world tend to be unfailingly serious and my ability to lighten any situation makes me a necessary addition to their team to secure their sanities. That’s why the Main Character will sacrifice anything to get me out of any pickles I find myself in.
  6. If you had to read every single book by one author, which author would you pick?
    • Leigh Bardugo
  7. Which is the best country in the world?
    • I’m going to say the USA, but I’m probably biased. 😉
  8. You are on an epic quest to save the world. You can take either a phoenix, a dragon, or an old bearded man. Which do you choose?
    • Phoenixes are my favorite birds, but I’m going to have to go with the old bearded man, despite his inability to fly. Cuz beards. (Also, he’ll probably spout useful information when I’m in various pickles.)
  9. Wine or beer?
    • Hot chocolate!
  10. You have struck it lucky and book blogging is your full-time pursuit but you need a co-author for your blog. Who do you choose and why?
    • Spinette Spyder because she’s already my co-author and I really don’t want to go through the process of finding a new one.

A Stream of Random Thoughts | Jest

Today’s random word is JEST!

YAAAY.

I command you to clap.

Jest is lonely and sad. They could use some applause.

*A cricket chirps in the distance*

The first thoughts that come to mind for this lovely flowchart that is a paragraph in this head/post, what the blobfish do I mean? Obviously, I am tired and this post will make no sense. Also, I’m not allowed to edit, so all the nonexistent readers will think I’m losing it.

Losing what, you may ask? mY MinD, I answer.

akdjfjkdgkdkfd

It’s been crazy.

I’m getting distracted. Okay. Jest. Flowchart. Super happy fun times.

*Blows out a breath*

K.

Words that come to mind from “Jest” include jester and something else, but I’ve forgotten. Give me a minute.

Uhhhhh…

Oh! I remember! It was vest! Get it? Cuz “vest” rhymes with “jest”.

Hahahahahaha

I’m so funny. RHYMES.

I like puns. I like puns a lot. They’re so punny.

I’m not particularly good at puns. I just like other people’s puns. I’m getting off track. Oh well, wasn’t that the point of this whole series? To see how far my mind will stray and to gauge how crazy I truly am.

*Sighs*

It’s been crazy.

I’ve read some lovely books. They were lovely.

SLEEEEEEEP

I WANT TO SLEEEEEP

SLEEEEP WOULD BE NICE

LIKE RICE

SLEEPITY SLEEEP SLEEEEP SLEEEEEP

IT RHYMES WITH SHEEEEEEEP

SHEEEP!!!

SHEEP!

I COUNT TURTLES AND YOU COUNT SHEEEP

I COUNT TURTLES

IN FANCY HATS

WEARING GIANT BOW TIES

OH, HOW THEY JEST,

THOSE JESTER TURTLES PERFORMING FOR THE TURTLE KING

THE TURTLE KING IS A TYRANT

HE ENSLAVES ALL THOSE POOR TURTLE SOULS

I AM THE TURTLE KING

I FORCE THEM TO WALK BEFORE ME

WHILE I FALL ASLEEP

IN FANCY SUITS AND TIES

I am tired. Good night.