The Garden of (American) Dreams

Greetings, humans. I’m going to steal another post from English class because it’s just so easy. I will most likely continue to do this. Therefore, expect uncharacteristic, serious topics like this because that’s what we do in English, though I will attempt to make them lighthearted and entertaining because that’s what I do always.

This week’s topic was the American Dream. (We’re reading The Great Gatsby.) Background: The American Dream is the idea that in America is the land of opportunity, that anyone can achieve their dreams no matter where they start if they work hard. However, the American Dream appears to be an ideal that’s not real for many.


Let us imagine a garden. This garden is imaginary because as we established in the last post, I am a terrible gardener and any real garden of mine would surely turn to either a field of gravel or a luscious plastic paradise. This imaginary garden is actually where my last remaining cactus now lives.

So let us imagine this garden together. There’s a fence. In fact, it is a white picket fence. The garden is a predictable and neat rectangle. As this garden is imaginary, there are many different microbiomes and the plants are semi-sentient. Predictably, every fresh-faced, dewy young plant has the exact same dream: to grow in the sun-warmed soil, to spread their leaves, to photosynthesize, to exist, to be. But often to be the greenest, to outgrow and outcompete all the other plants, to spread their roots the widest and spread their seeds the farthest, to be the most beautiful plant, the most useful, to live in luxury, to be glorious, to have more.

In the center of the garden, we have the prime spot. There’s a tree that provides shade for those snobbish plants that need something like three hours of full sun and an hour and thirty-eight minutes of partial shade. The center of the garden has the most fertile soil. It’s a deep chocolate, like crumbled, moist brownies. It’s imported from an earth-like exoplanet that has far superior soil, untouched by human pollution. The center plants require vintage wine and hand-fed grapes every six hours. In addition to exquisite wine, the plants are fed melted ice water only from the purest snow of the Arctic. It’s a lovely place to be, but it’s rather small and exclusive. All the plants there have been there for generations, and when they die and rot in the chocolate soil, their seeds take root and grow where they died. As they will always grow and die in the center patch. Life is good in the center; sure, they have their problems, like everyone else, but it’s hard not to envy the center. The center patch of the garden is what all the other plants want, what we work towards, but the plants in the center just had the luck to grow there, I suppose, just like any other plant had the luck to grow where they grew. And we can’t really blame the center plants for being center plants; they didn’t choose for their seeds to be there, just like the plants in the desert didn’t choose to be there. But that doesn’t stop us from hating them, or at least the idea of them, a little bit. Their vintage wine and Arctic snow-melt and imported dirt…. Jealousy and a sense of entitlement are a bitter mix.
Most of the plants grow in the area encircling the center. Life’s pretty good for us. We don’t have the purest water, but it’s still clean, human-grade drinking water that rains down on us like clockwork from the sprinklers. Sometimes we’re thirsty, but most of the time we’re not. There are no shade plants, and the sun sometimes burns, but most of the time it’s warm. The dirt isn’t great, but it’s good. We don’t have imported soil, but we do get store-bought, eutrophying nitrogen fertilizer occasionally. Life’s pretty amazing actually, and yet we moan and envy the center patch. It’s only natural. After a plant’s grown some, reached its old plant dreams, it isn’t usually satisfied. It makes new dreams. It doesn’t stop growing, it wants more. It’s only plant nature. We can’t really blame ourselves for wanting, but we can’t help but be a little disgusted.

There are also other areas in which plants struggle but where it’s not quite so bad as the desert, such as the bog and the mud pits and the marsh and the patch of eternal darkness in the corner. However, we will only mention them in passing because this is already far too long and there’s still much more gardening to be done.

The desert is the worst of the worst place to be, Supreme Cactus help those who end up there. It only gets water when the fickle clouds feel like it, and even then it falls from the gutter. The only other source of water is when a stray cat bothers to urinate on it. The sun burns, an inescapable oppression; the “soil” is cracked and dry, indistinguishable from the rock of the moon, where no plant dares grow. Contrary to expectations, there are plants in these inhospitable wastelands, where the days are brutal and the nights are brutal and where no plant belongs. There are a few plants, my cactus, for instance, who grew up in the desert and thrived. We point at these exceptions and exclaim, “Look! It is possible to reach the dream, even from the desert with nothing to begin. The other desert plants must not be trying hard enough. They must be irresponsible or unintelligent to not have beaten the impossible odds. In this garden, all you need is hard work to reach the dream, not luck or good soil or anything else. Those other plants must have gotten what they deserve.” The desert is spreading, you know, mingling with the middle patch as we erode our lands with unsustainable agriculture. This terrifies us. It makes our soil all the more precious. Oh, we care. We sympathize. We toss the desert our excess water, some fertilizer, to soothe our consciences. We worry and talk and read and write stupid articles about gardening, but at the same time, we clutch our soil all the tighter because Can you imagine living in the desert? and watch the center patch like hungry cats. We shrug and think, “Well, there isn’t enough space here for everyone. Someone needs to live in the desert.” But most of the time we don’t think about the desert at all. It’s only at the fringes of the garden. We can barely even see it. And the plants in the desert? They can barely see us. The desert is infinite, all-consuming, inescapable. The “dream” belongs in quotation marks for the desert. It is a joke. A whisper of a possibility you’d need a microscope to see. As Langston Hughes, an eloquent shrub, put it, “America never was America to me.” (To make this quote work, we’re going to pretend I named my garden “America,” even though I would never name a garden, let alone such an idyllic name, the pessimist that I am. Note that I don’t like metaphors and that this is absolutely not a metaphor for anything. It is simply an imaginary garden that I have to replace the real garden I failed to sustain.)

We must also mention the weeds: the dandelion seeds that float over the fence, the clover that crops up from nowhere. We see them as ugly. We spray them with weed-killer (poisoning nature). We call them “foreign,” “invaders,” “aliens,” like the little green imposters from Mars who plant themselves among us. We think they’re taking our space, that we somehow deserve the garden more because we were here first, like petulant children claiming toys (The native grasses were here first anyway. Kentucky Bluegrass is actually from Europe). We believe our dreams of glorious plant life are somehow worth more than theirs, even though we all dream the same dreams at night. We will correct this error here: dandelion and clover are beautiful and these “weeds” are flowers, actually.

That is all I have to say. I have no profound conclusion. But I am a mere semi-sentient plant and can therefore barely have thoughts, let alone profound ones. Goodbye, humans. Dream of gardens tonight.

Note: Maybe I won’t kill this garden. Since it’s not real, it shouldn’t die unless I want it too, right?

Photo by Lisa Fotios from Pexels

What if the Day Were Eight Hours Longer?

Time is, unfortunately, limited. There is only so much you can have. It is also elusive. The slippery thing always seems to slip through your slippery fingers, doesn’t it? There never seems to be enough to go around.

They say you can make time, but can you, really? You can only rearrange time, redistribute it. Imagine that time is a carrot cake. You can give adequate slices to some, slivers to the undesirables, and crumbs to the vermin, but you still only have one cake, or twenty-four hours, to give away. If you need more time for something, you have to cut the time from something else. And unfortunately, things must be prioritized and it’s usually the things you enjoy that you find yourself having no time for.

But what if you could make more time? What if you could bake another cake? What if some gifted magician out there concentrated really hard and snapped his fingers and the day was suddenly, magically, twelve hours longer?

I was listening to a podcast, Ear Biscuits, the other day that posed this question. What if the day had an extra twelve hours? There are some stipulations: You wouldn’t need to sleep any longer and you wouldn’t have to work more. So if you truly had extra time, what would you do?

First of all, even though we don’t have to, I’d sleep more. Because couldn’t we all use some more sleep? The world would be a much happier place if only we weren’t all sleep deprived.

Second, though, I have no idea. There’s a difference between what I’d probably do and what I want to do.

In all honesty, if I had extra time, I’d most likely just work more. I’m like a goldfish, the amount of work I do expands with available time. (Note: The things about goldfish expanding with available space is a myth, but let’s just go with it because I like the analogy.) Even if I ran out of work, I’d probably find more. There’s an endless list of things I could do in order to be more productive. I could double-check my assignments, I could do the next day’s homework, I could study for the test in three weeks, I could read ahead, etc. That’s just how I roll.

However, since this is a purely hypothetical situation that can’t actually happen, let’s talk about the things I’d want to do. I’d probably just do more of the things I already do in my (rare) free time. Ergo, I’d read, write, blog, and draw more. I might even spend time with actual, real-life human beings instead of conversing with my textbooks. (I wouldn’t recommend them as partners in conversation. They’re very dull, very dry, they have poor taste in humor, and they only talk obsessively about one topic.) I might take up a new hobby, go on an adventure, who knows? I’d really like to have time to just sit and think (aka daydream) and people watch. (People can be really entertaining.)

So, in conclusion, this year, I’m going to try to be more efficient at doing my homework and I’m going to attempt to not go overboard with the amount I work, all in order to create free time. Think of it like I’m concentrating my work into a smaller sliver of time, without diluting the quality, somehow. (Except it’s not really true that it’s my New Year’s Resolution. I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions. I think if you have a goal or some plan for self-improvement, you shouldn’t wait for the New Year as an excuse to start. That seems a bit like procrastinating. Make your goal happen now. And besides, New Year’s Resolutions are notorious for never being kept anyway. My goal isn’t really a New Year’s Resolution. It’s a goal I’ve had since October, but one I’ve utterly failed at. I just thought I should tie in this post to the New Year somehow because I didn’t want yet another holiday to pass by without acknowledgement.)

And what would you do, dear nonexistent reader, if you suddenly found twelve extra hours plopped into your hands?

The Nightmare of Dentistry

I went to the dentist today. I despise the dentist.

But I have no cavities! Aren’t you so EXCITED that I have no cavities?! *Jazz hands*

I dislike the dentist so much because of the way they put their fingers in your mouth. Yes, they wear gloves, but still.

It’s also really wet. Yes, that drool sliding down your chin is yours, but it’s still spit. And it belongs in your mouth. And what about that suspicious clear liquid on the dentist’s glove? Is it water, or is it SPIT? My spit, but STILL!

Even more than doctorism, dentistry is one job I could never do. Day in and day out, you’re just sticking your hands in people’s mouths. So applause to all the dentists of the world for risking their sanity in order to keep people’s mouths cavity, pain, and dirt-free. *Claps*

ALSO. If there are any dentist out there reading this, please educate me on the rules of dentist-appointment etiquette. What the heck are you supposed to do with your tongue?!

  • Put it at the bottom of your mouth?
  • The roof of your mouth?
  • Follow the fingers/tools? This is what I tend to do. I try not to, but it’s not a conscious thing. Sometimes I remember not to, sometimes I don’t. But if I were the dentist and the patient were doing this…
    • Arachnid the Dentist (screams): AHHH! THE TONGUE IS ATTACKING ME!!! (Runs out of the office, leaving the patient strapped to the chair with multiple sharp objects in their mouth.)
  • Curl it up at the back of your mouth?
  • Lick the dentist’s tools?

When I’m at the dentist, I feel like a puppet. A very stressed puppet. Because here I am at the dentist’s mercy (I mean, if they wanted to, they could stab your mouth with those pointy tools) with sweat dripping down my back and the bright lights glaring at my eyes, masked dentists leaning above me with sharp tools at their disposal, thinking about all the other mouths these tools have touched (It’s the same principle as using a fork a restaurant), while the dentists are conversing with each other like normal human beings, occasionally asking you to tilt your head or open your mouth wider.

A Rambling About the Purpose of Breathing and Mashed Potatoes

Welcome back to A Stream of Random Thoughts, where I will use a random word generator to generate a random word. After which I will say whatever crosses my mind!

Doesn’t that sound like fun? That sounds like a ton of fun!

Aren’t you EXCITED?!

(Can you tell by my tone that I have once again done WAY too much homework? I’m doing this while I’m trying to figure out my physics in the back of my head. It’s somewhere back there. It just has to emerge as the correct answer.)

So today’s word is…

SNIFF

 

What a wonderful word! I was thinking today, as I was walking down the hallway of my school, preparing to acquire more homework (aka, go to class), that some words are pretty because of what they mean, like bunny or happy or clover, and some are pretty because of the way they sound, like grotesque or ubiquitous or arbitrary.

bunny. happy. clover.

grotesque. ubiquitous. arbitrary.

I AM SENSING SIMILARITIES BETWEEN THESE WORDS.

My mind has exploded. You peeps must be wiping brain matter from your computer screens. Because that’s how it works. My brain explodes on THIS side of the computer, and my brain matter ends up on THAT side. (Look how connected we are. We’re friends. *Warm squishy feels*.) If only it worked like that. Then I could just reach through and steal all the cookies you guys bake without me. *pouts*

My brain is a mush. Bleh. Blech. Blah.

Blech is my favorite.

Has it occurred to you that I haven’t talked about the word sniff yet? So I was planning to go back around in a giant magical circle, but I got sidetracked because, with only slight exaggeration, my brain is a LITERAL MUSH. Bleh. Blech. Blah.

I’m breaking all the grammar rules with these fragment sentences and run-ons and WeIrd cAPitiliZAtions.

Hold on, my friend is texting me about the physics. She said my lab report was fine the way it was. She’s the second person who’s told me that. BUT I LOVE TO WORRY.

Well, back to sniffing. You sniff— I forgot about the magical circle!

Okay. I had to go figure out more physics and help Scorpion with math homework. But I’m back! And so is the magical circle.

But then I left again to wash my hands.

At this point, you guys probably think that the magical circle is way cooler than it actually is. It’s not. I hate to crush your hopes and dreams. I was just going to say that sniff is not pretty at all. It doesn’t mean a pretty thing and it doesn’t sound pretty either.

Sniff, in my opinion, is a rather annoying sound. That great inhalation. The even worse exhalation that comes afterward. Why do people even need to breath? That constant exchange of breath. Yeah, I just breathed in the air that was just INSIDE YOUR LUNGS, random stranger that I’m sitting next to on the airplane. I hate airplanes. And don’t even get me started on sneezing.

I’m just generally against most bodily functions. Blech.

Am I spouting weird mind-thoughts, peeps? My brain is a literal mush. Mushy mushy mush. Like a caveman mashed potato. You, dear reader, might be questioning the random caveman thrown in there. I am too. I don’t know, that’s what my brain decided to think when I actually meant MASHED POTATO. I pictured a mashed potato while I said a caveman.

That’s right. Welcome to my brain, where a mashed potato is a caveman.

How do you mash your potatoes, dear reader? (I always spell potato wrong, in its singular form. I always add an extra e.) Do you buy the boxed powder? Do you imagine the potato as the head of your enemy and aggressively throw it off of a tall building? Do you wash your hands thoroughly, imagine the potato as the head of your enemy, and destroy it bare-handed?

Do you, dear reader, believe that I need more sleep?

Short People Problems

Clocking in at 5’2″, I’m generally regarded as a short person. I’m shorter than most people, so I have to look up when I’m talking to them (but I usually just end up talking to their chins) and I have trouble reading menus or watching plays over people’s heads. You know, the usual slew of short-people problems. (Not that tall people don’t have problems, too.)

In elementary school, whenever we had assemblies, the fifth graders would sit on chairs in the back and everyone else would sit in neat rows on the floor in front of them in descending order of grade with the kindergarteners in the front row. In theory, this is a good idea because older people are taller, right? So, hypothetically, if the older kids sit in the back, they’ll be able to see over everyone else’s heads because everyone else is younger. For me, at least, this didn’t really work out. After kindergarten, I was always seated behind taller, but younger, students, so I never got to see anything. (Another flaw in this plan: those freakishly tall kindergarteners that make me jealous of their height.)

Being short my entire life, I’d come to accept that this is the way it will be forever, no matter how much I hope and wish and stretch and dream.

Until I went to Bangladesh.

It turns out that Bangladeshi people just happen to generally be even shorter than me, and for the first time in my life, I got to experience being tall. I got to look over people’s heads, I got to look straight at (or down at) people when I was talking at them. I got a taste of being tall, all 5’2″ of me.

And I never wanted to go back (to being short). But I’m back in America, the land of tall people, and here we are again, short.

But this isn’t the shortest I’ve ever felt. When I lived in Kentucky, the general population seemed to be significantly taller than the general population of Michigan. When I walked through the hallways, I was stuck staring at people’s shoulder blades instead of the backs of their heads. I had trouble finding my classes because I couldn’t see anything except humans. Whenever I talked to sixth graders, they were always shocked that I was in the eighth grade. Every single one asked me twice to double check and when I assured them that, yes, I am, in fact, an eighth grader, they always responded with a “but you’re so short!” In Michigan, while I am on the shorter side of average, my grade is never questioned.

Warning: This following segment will feel contradictory to the rest of the post.

While I’ve always felt short, I’ve never felt extremely short. As I said, I’m on the shorter side of average.

Mare Barrow from Red Queen, as I recently learned, is a fellow 5’2″.

Mare Barrow, as it states over and over over the course of the four-book series, is extremely short. She barely makes it to the shoulders of most of her acquaintances.

Which begs the question, “How ridiculously tall is the general population of Red Queen?!” and “Was this entire series developed to make me feel bad about my height?”

What should I write?

I recently got a new notebook. Unlike all my other notebooks, I actually want to fill this one with different stories and things, but I want my entries to be consistent.

I want this notebook for something specific so I don’t throw it away or forget about it.

Also I want each entry to be fast to write so I can do it every single day.

Arachnid has told me to write about our two characters: Tick and Tock. They are sisters that have an odd relationship with one another, weird appearances and peculiar tastes. Tick is the older sister who often delves into trippy, mind-bending worlds when she drifts off to sleep– which is very often. Tock, on the other hand, is the feisty, fiery and very violent younger sister who sports a deadly scythe.

While this is an awesome suggestion, I feel like probably won’t stay with it, especially when the terrible disease *gasps in horror* writing block comes in.

I’ve been thinking to make the journal into a cool thing where I write a one page story a day. With summer coming up, I’ll have some time to write too.

What do you guys think?

My Strange Sense of Humor

It is nearly impossible for me to write or say something without at least a twinge of humor in it, but it is quite possible for this subtle humor to fly over someone’s head due to the strangeness of it [joke]. For this post, in every sentence that I write something funny, I will add “[joke]”, so you can be sure you know when to laugh [joke].

Many of my jokes rely on the fact that they make no sense. For example, “The graduating carrot ate a rutabaga the size of a football field” [joke]. (I am figuratively dying of laughter at my own joke right now [joke].) [joke] (The previous joke was the punctuation if you didn’t catch it [joke].) [joke]

Since most of my jokes are ununderstandable [joke], many people in real life, with the exclusion of Spinette, don’t get it, and therefore, don’t laugh at the proper cues.

On the flip side, I usually don’t comprehend their jokes and I don’t laugh at the appropriate times either.

On the other flip side [joke], sometimes I laugh at unintentional jokes, and in these instances, I am the only one laughing. For example, once, in geometry class long ago, we were reviewing volume. The math teacher related the volume of an object to packing boxes and he mentioned that a one-inch squared packing box would be fairly useless. A kid next to me said that one could ship a sugar cube.

I burst out laughing/snorting. Of course, the rest of the class was dead silent and I think the person who said it was dead serious [joke] because he didn’t laugh either. Not even a chuckle.

I, of course [joke], found this to be the funniest thing ever due to the impracticality of shipping a single sugar cube in a one-inch squared packing box and burst into random fits of giggles for the rest of class.

P.S. Something that I find enormously hilarious is saying “Have fun” when someone says that they have to go to the bathroom. It earns me strange looks, but it is great on my part. It’s even funnier when, due to habit, people say, “I will”.

*Maniacal laughter*

Finger Guns: The Future of Communication?

Snap! Snap! Snappp! We have all heard the standard finger gun sound. It works for every awkward and non awkward situation, and acts as an outlet for my introverted side to dip into my awesome extrovert side!

A friend you haven’t seen in years due to the war? Finger guns!

A beautiful girl you admired from afar for all of highschool? Finger guns!

A gassy hippopotamus? …maybe finger guns can’t solve that one.

But, you get my point.

This is a fun and fast way to get comfortable with someone without touch, if you don’t prefer the cuddles and want to stay away from germs. You instantly give your friend the impression that you are comfortable enough to shoot imitation guns at them, friendly enough to snap and smile to get their attention, and respect their privacy (although if you really want to feel the love, you can ignore the last one).

Finger guns are the way of the future, and if we all converted to finger gunning, we would be able to help all types of people! Deaf people would see the finger guns and blind people could hear the sounds of the different snaps.

In fact, it’s been seen in nature with colonies of solider ants, or between blue whales busting water from their blow holes. It has been around for centuries dating back to -1 B.C. when the world didn’t even exist!

The finger gun is a truly perfect example of wonderful seamless communication.

The Most Hated Item in Existence (According to me)

You all have probably encountered this thing in your lives. Probably on numerous occasions. Almost every day for some. And if you are like me (as most are, at least in this case), then you hate this thing with a fiery passion.

Yes, you have guessed correctly. This thing that I am talking screaming about is the dreaded alarm clock.

That necessary evil in your life that resides on your night table and shrieks at you much too early in the morning.

Sometimes with incessant, monotonous, and redundant shrilling beeps or sometimes an initially lovely tune that you have slowly developed a deep-rooted hatred for.

The thing that shatters your dreams of unicorns, flying cupcakes, and fictional characters and welcomes you to the dreaded state of being awake. Oh, dreams are so much better than real life. If only they could last. WHICH THEY WOULD IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE ALARM CLOCK.

The horrible welcoming committee that greets you into an unbreakable cycle of wake, eat, work, eat, sleep, wake, work on and on for circles that loop infinitely until your inevitable death, however close or far away.

Sometimes you wish to take deserved revenge. You blame your alarm clock for every bad day. If only you had stayed asleep.

But, trust me, one day you will get your revenge. You will one day decide that enough is enough and you will take a sledgehammer and smash your alarm clock until nothing is left but the remnants of shattered dreams, long ago shriveled and withered and so very brittle.

And you will sleep for as long as you want.

A Stream of Thoughts

Hello peoples!

You nonexistent guys seemed to like the previous rambling, so I shall make another one!

This time, the word is…

FLUENT

Hmmm…

I’m learning Spanish right now. Can’t say I’m fluent or even good for that matter. I’m okay with writing it, but quite terrible at speaking unless it is pre-rehearsed. But what kind of person rehearses a conversation? And unless that conversation was with oneself, one could not even truly rehearse something because one wouldn’t know what the second person would potentially say. Unless it was a play, but that is not a conversation really, is it? Is it not a conversation because it is pre-planned?

What makes something a conversation?

Also, is this considered talking to myself? Well, I’m not really talking, I’m typing. And it’s more thinking. So, therefore, can one think to oneself? Or is that just plain thinking? You can’t really think to someone else because that would telepathy, which doesn’t exist outside of the fictional world.

But what if this is thinking to someone else? Because I am typing as I am thinking these words, which means that someone will read them and see what I am thinking.

But that hypothetical reader will read it in the future, not as I am writing it, so then it’s more of leaving a note. Sort of.

I am confusing myself, I will return to “What makes something a conversation?”.

(Was that period supposed to go there? Do I need it? Or is it supposed to just be “‘…conversation?'” with no period? But now I have to keep it like that or else the nonexistent readers will have no idea what this thought is about.)

I am confusing myself, I will return to “What makes something a conversation?”.

The definition of “conversation” according to Dictionary.com:

informal interchange of thoughts, information, etc., by spoken words;oral communication between persons; talk; colloquy.

Hah. It says spoken. But I can’t remember what I was originally trying to prove. Hold on, I have to go reread it.

So a conversation is a conversation if it is spoken. So that means reading a script is a conversation. And Mellow Yellow is a conversation. But talking in the comments section with other bloggers is not a conversation. Neither is texting or emailing.

I refuse to accept that definition. When I text Spinette, those are conversations, even though they aren’t spoken. Because if they don’t count, that means Spinette and I have less than two conversations a month.

How do I change this definition?

When does a conversation stop? It starts when you meet someone new, but is changing the topic the same as changing the conversation? Or what if there is a lull in the conversation and no one talks for 2.364 minutes and then they pick back up? Are those two separate conversations or parts to one conversation? And if they’re parts, then is there a minimum number of minutes between parts that dictate the end of one conversation and the start of another? And if there isn’t, then is the moment from the initial meeting with a person the start of a conversation that continues on forever until one of the two dies? And if so, does that mean that Spinette and I have only had one conversation ever?

I’ve pressed the question mark key a lot. Does that mean that when I think, I think mostly in questions? What is the nature of thinking about thinking? That is thinking in itself. Can you think of thinking of thinking of thinking for infinity? It’s all thinking!

Do people from different places think in an accent? Does thinking even have words? This is all relating back to Babies: Some Random Thoughts.

I’m going to stop now before all this thinking blows up my brain.

The Many Uses of Paperclips

Heyo, nonexistent guys!

A Very Long Time Ago, Spinette and I had a “contest” to see who could come up with more uses for paperclips.

It’s this whole thing with Divergent Thinking and Creativity, but I’m not going to go into the science-y stuff as I’m sure I’ll get it wrong. But to sum it up,

More uses for paperclips=more creativity

But, sadly, this idea failed as Spinette is either very busy or very lazy and she hasn’t done it. (Just like the 100 Follower Q&A special.)

Note: I’m not saying that using paperclips for the things on this list would be effective, efficient, or even successful. Just that you could. And also, sometimes, the paperclips are not average paperclips. They could be giant or super strong or whatnot.

A Long List of Uses for Paperclips

  1. To hold papers together (obviously)
  2. earrings
  3. solder replacement
  4. fishing hook
  5. fish-feeding device
  6. hair tie
  7. makeshift hair tie (Don’t ask why those are separate. I wrote this like two months ago.)
  8. A writing device if you were to dip it in ink
  9. an eating utensil
  10. weave them into a basket
  11. conduct electricity
  12. a weapon
  13. a toothpick
  14. hair accessory (This is different from hair tie.)
  15. needle
  16. clasp
  17. button
  18. zipper hook
  19. retrieval device (Retrieval of what I don’t know.)
  20. carving tool
  21. make a sculpture out of them
  22. source of metal to make a thimble
  23. a tightrope
  24. rope
  25. a noose
  26. necklace
  27. bracelet (I’m surprised this and necklace were so far down the list.)
  28. a bridge
  29. grappling hook
  30. choking device
  31. lockpick
  32. makeshift knife
  33. a microphone for a stuffed animal
  34. pretend barbershop-scissors
  35. unicorn-horn replacement
  36. They could be a method of communication if you folded paperclips into letters.
  37. If it was giant, you could use it to build an amusement park ride
  38. architecture models
  39. chandelier
  40. use it to poke holes in eggshells
  41. tweezers
  42. pick out gunk from crevices (by “crevice” I meant the spaces in a keyboard and such)
  43. decorations
  44. those things vining plants climb
  45. back scratcher
  46. a cage
  47. handcuffs
  48. keys
  49. traps for insects
  50. stirring device for baking
  51. gauging cardboard
  52. weed puller
  53. crabapple plucker
  54. if it were giant, you could fence with it
  55. stilts
  56. a cane
  57. ice skates
  58. use it to cut ice
  59. If it were giant, you could make a chair
  60. a candle holder
  61. A mini Christmas tree
  62. A Christmas ornament
  63. hold pom pom balls together
  64. carve soap
  65. an amusement park for ants
  66. an ant jungle gym
  67. an ant playground
  68. a mini drumstick
  69. a button presser
  70. nail polish applier
  71. a clay carver
  72. a painting device
  73. a swing set
  74. a replacement for Barrel of Monkeys
  75. a button pressor (Ignore the fact that this was on here twice.)
  76. Cut thread
  77. a phone stand
  78. make a metal web 😉
  79. bed frame
  80. axel for wheels
  81. pop bubbles
  82. pop tires
  83. a bookmark
  84. a breaker of glass
  85. a push-pin
  86. a hinge replacement
  87. a staple replacement
  88. a stick for holding cotton candy
  89. a stick for holding a lollipop
  90. a mini imitation trombone
  91. an orange peeler
  92. use it to write in sand
  93. use it to write in mud
  94. a screwdriver
  95. pry things open
  96. a nail filer
  97. a chalk board-scratcher
  98. a magnet attractor
  99. a pranking material
  100. keep shoelaces separate
  101. a button pressor specifically for keyboards
  102. an engraver
  103. soap carving (Again, ignore the fact that this is the second time I mentioned soap-carving.)
  104. a balsa wood-cutter
  105. a whittler
  106. a mini flute
  107. a lock-jammer
  108. a gum holder
  109. a ring holder
  110. a glove folder
  111. a plant poker
  112. a hook
  113. a nail polisher (another repeat that should be ignored)
  114. glue applier
  115. use it to press those little restart buttons (This is what? The fourth time I’m mentioned buttons?)
  116. a mini imitation flute (another repeat)
  117. a relative of the laser pointer (I bet a paperclip and a laser pointer would have a lot of fun at their family reunion.)
  118. A walking stick for a doll
  119. a mini coat hanger
  120. use it to make indentations in tinfoil
  121. use it to make indentations in an eraser
  122. scratch chalkboards without that weird feeling on your fingernails (another repeat. *Sigh*)
  123. Get dust out of space between letter on keyboard
  124. hold beads
  125. make a brooch
  126. carve your name in a tree
  127. poke holes in a styrofoam cup to make a makeshift watering can
  128. poke holes in eggs to extract eggs yolks (apologies for the repeats)
  129. stir Jello-O
  130. descale fish
  131. skin small furry animals
  132. use it to make a spit (I am a vegetarian)
  133. Make a shish kebab!
  134. unmortar bricks
  135. play a washboard (I don’t think I even know what this means)
  136. play the xylophone
  137. Make indentations in paper that can later be shaded over to form the means of a secret code

That Thing: Repeated Words

Does that thing ever happen you when you repeat one word over and over and over and over again and it starts to lose all meaning and it becomes just a sound or shape?

Here’s a demonstration:

grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque  grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque grotesque

 

yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty yeasty

 

lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely lovely

When you are Home Alone

What do you do when you are home alone?

You could partake in a whole manner of embarrassing activities when there is no one around simply because you can and there is no one around to judge you.

You could break some rules.

You could…

  • Leave all the lights on
  • Throw all the sheets on floor
  • Hang all the wall decor sideways
  • Eat mushed Jell-O on a hot dog bun
  • Throw a temper tantrum
  • Fling things that have been bothering you (like unsharpened pencils, dirty stuffed animals, a tissue box, etc.) down the stairs
  • Rip up paper and throw it in the air like confetti (like homework, taxes, receipts, etc.)
  • Switch the tulips and the begonias in the flower bed
  • Run
  • Stomp
  • Scream
  • Throw things (such as textbooks, dirty stuffed animals, plastic flamingos, etc.)
  • Hold a tea party with your china dolls as you’ve wanted to since you were a child, but haven’t as it is considered socially unacceptable for an adult over the age of 33.56 to be the host of a tea party if none of the guests are alive or human.
  • Smash things

Do you remember that first time you were alone? Were you one of those people who sat diligently in view of all the entrances to your house? Or were you the one who went slightly insane?

The first time I was home alone, I was asleep.

The second time, I first checked that all the doors were locked. Then, I gorged myself on chocolate, shrieked, and ran around. I believe I also read in the dark.

But, of course, there is a price to pay for every cricket of fun. (Cricket is a very real and definitely not made-up unit of measurement.)

Imagine you tore out the first fifty pages of all of your bothersome textbooks and flung the corpses down the stairs, all while screaming. The phone rings. You freeze, your mouth full of peanut butter, globs of it dripping onto the nice tablecloth. You see the caller ID says “Mother” and you wince. You know that you have to pick it up otherwise your mother may believe that an overweight gumdrop has broken into your house and kidnapped you. You hold the phone against your sticky face and say, your enunciation horrific due to the peanut butter coating your tongue and teeth, “Hello?”.

You: Hello?

Mother: My engagement has been canceled because an Inconceivable Event has just occurred. I’ll be home in fifteen minutes. (Sigh) I’ll just get married next month. And I thought your enunciation was better than that.

What you must do in fifteen minutes:

  • Pick up the confetti
  • Tape the confetti together so it looks like the first fifty pages of your textbooks
  • Replace the first fifty pages in your textbooks
  • Fix damage to textbooks from being flung down the stairs
  • Wash the nice tablecloth
  • Get new peanut butter
  • Wipe peanut butter off every surface in your house
  • Take a shower
  • Brush your teeth
  • Bribe your neighbors so they don’t tell your mother anything

Hypothetical Situations

Hypothetical situations—we have all thought of what to do in them. Mostly, I think of what to do in “problems” that will never ever happen, such as finding the land of the unicorns, winning a Nobel Peace prize, or making a master plan to get myself out of prison (the last one is probable). Usually, I discuss these nonexistent moments while in the shower or when I’m in front of a mirror of some sort. For some reason, the mirror, while it makes most people feel self-conscious, makes me feel sane. I have named the mirror various names, Bob, Joe, Fred, Sally but then I realized that most of the names I call the clear reflective surface are for human beings and that seems out of place, so I simply call the mirror “you”. You always hear what I have to say about hypothetical situations and never gets tired of it. I’d say you is a great friend to have, but he/she/it never talks to me… which is kind of a downside, but who cares, right? You is just really shy, is all.

That’s why I’m revealing some of my hypothetical situations to you. I mean, to nonexistent readers, to you nonexistent readers. But you cannot read this so… you can read this, well… nonexistent readers can read this? This is too confusing!

From now on, “you” will be used to indicate nonexistent readers and “YOU” will be used to define BobJoeFredSally.

Let’s try this again. That’s why I’m revealing some of my hypothetical situations to you. Hopefully, you can talk, correct? It’s also for trying to make my habit of talking to myself go away, but that’s not important.

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a Genie? Well, turn that whole thing upside down—make yourself the Genie. Even with all that power, the Genie is stuck in a teensy weensy little space and is imprisoned for life. He has to stay put in a lamp until someone walks on over and rubs it. Also, who rubs a lamp? Do you ever rub your lamp when you go to bed at night? Most likely not. I do, though, because I want to get a better job rather than be an author/blogger person. It pays so much more! Let me just tell you that. Here is how the conversation went with YOU while brushing my hair two years ago:

Me imitating the Genie: I just retired! Sorry. You are my predecessor now.

Me: What?

Me imitating the Genie: Bye!

Me: So what if that happened? What would I do? Do YOU have a stance on it?

YOU: …

Me: Waah! What is happening to me? *turning into a big blue giant in my imagination*

Me: Let me grant you some wishes! *paces* Was that a good performance?

YOU: …

Me: Not as great as Robin Williams! *some more paces*

YOU: …

Me: Can I actually do magic? *snaps fingers, nothing happens* It looks I’ll have to search for some stupid loopholes everywhere…

YOU: …

Me: Still better than the current position I have in life!

Another hypothetical situation that I often ponder is this, “If I die in a crime scene will the police look through all my personal belongings?” (you can think of the “personal” belongings I keep). If they do, what will they find? From diaries to terrible old drawings, to my secret code key that I use to write some pretty mysterious and embarrassing items, there are so many things that are strictly private! Honestly, I hope they don’t look through my records for my schooling. What if they find out that I cheated my education? That I snubbed a grade? I imagine them scowling then declaring my death of suicide because of all that guilt that I’ve been hiding.

You know what? I’m going to reveal my secret right now:

I was supposed to be held back in kindergarten because I did not know how to tie my shoes. Of course, to avoid this mishap in my education, I moved on to first grade in a different school.

**************BRAINWASHING ASTERISKS**************

I know it didn’t work.

What if that actually worked? I would become a master hypnotist! Does this mean little kids will go into my car for candy now? Whoa! Does that mean I can convince Arachnid that social gatherings are fun? Does that mean I can hypnotize the whole world to love me, to bow to my shins? IS THIS HOW I DOMINATE THE WORLD?

Are you hypnotized?

You never answer.

Come on, you can tell me anything. Just get in my white van filled with candy! You’ll love it, I promise.

Don’t call the cops!

NO!

**************HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION HAS ENDED**************

As you see, that is an example of how the wild beast Spinette acts in the wild when alone.

 

 

My Strange Sense of Humor

It is nearly impossible for me to write or say something without at least a twinge of humor in it, but it is quite possible for this subtle humor to fly over someone’s head due to the strangeness of it [joke]. For this post, in every sentence that I write something funny, I will add “[joke]”, so you can be sure you know when to laugh [joke].

Many of my jokes rely on the fact that they make no sense. For example, “The graduating carrot ate a rutabaga the size of a football field” [joke]. (I am figuratively dying of laughter at my own joke right now [joke].) [joke] (The previous joke was the punctuation if you didn’t catch it [joke].) [joke]

Since most of my jokes are ununderstandable [joke], many people in real life, with the exclusion of Spinette, don’t get it, and therefore, don’t laugh at the proper cues.

On the flip side, I usually don’t comprehend their jokes and I don’t laugh at the appropriate times either.

On the other flip side [joke], sometimes I laugh at unintentional jokes, and in these instances, I am the only one laughing. For example, once, in geometry class long ago, we were reviewing volume. The math teacher related the volume of an object to packing boxes and he mentioned that a one-inch squared packing box would be fairly useless. A kid next to me said that one could ship a sugar cube.

I burst out laughing/snorting. Of course, the rest of the class was dead silent and I think the person who said it was dead serious [joke] because he didn’t laugh either. Not even a chuckle.

I, of course [joke], found this to be the funniest thing ever due to the impracticality of shipping a single sugar cube in a one-inch squared packing box and burst into random fits of giggles for the rest of class.

P.S. Something that I find enormously hilarious is saying “Have fun” when someone says that they have to go to the bathroom. It earns me strange looks, but it is great on my part. It’s even funnier when, due to habit, people say, “I will”.

*Maniacal laughter*

The Origin of Life

As you probably know from your elementary school days, everything, including you, is made up of atoms.

As you probably know from your pre-elementary school days, you are alive (well, you hopefully are alive if you are reading this. Zombies and vampires don’t count).

So you are made of atoms and you are alive, but your atoms are not alive. So how can you be alive if the parts that make you up are not alive?

Let’s imagine this on a larger scale. If you were to put together an extremely large number of rocks (which represent atoms), they wouldn’t suddenly become a giant rock monster that is alive (which represents life).

Now, let’s consider the saying “Two wrongs don’t make a right.” In a similar fashion, two inanimate objects shouldn’t make something that is alive.

Things that are alive are usually made up of the elements sulfur, phosphorus, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, and hydrogen, but if you were to mix all these things up in a giant bowl, it wouldn’t magically come alive.

If you are made of atoms, and a rock is made of atoms, and both of your atoms are not alive, then why are you alive and the rock is not alive?

With that unanswered question, let’s move on.

Where did life even come from? I understand the whole evolution thing, but how did life even start? The first thing that was alive had to come from something, right? I refuse to believe the first organism evolved from a rock. That is absurd. But what else was there on Earth other than rocks?

I’ve heard the theories that a lightning strike caused life or that a space rock with microorganisms on it struck Earth.

If a lightning strike caused life, it would imply that if we took our giant bowl of sulfur, phosphorus, oxygen, nitrogen, carbon, and hydrogen and shot it with electricity, it would come alive, right?

Ned the Narwhal: …

If a space rock hit Earth and it had microorganisms on it, that poses the question, Where did life on that particular planet come from? And if that planet was hit by another space rock from another planet with microorganisms on it, then where did the life on that planet start? And the one before it? And the one before it?

Let’s consider the phrase “We are what we eat.” This is actually true. The atoms from the food you eat today will be your hair or skin or organs or blood later. Your food is (hopefully) not alive, but when it becomes a part of you, it is alive, but they are the same atoms, so how did it go from being not-alive to alive? And before your food was your food, it was a part of some plant. Let’s assume a carrot. And before it was a part of the carrot, it was carbon in the air, which became a part of the carrot through photosynthesis. The carbon in the air could’ve come from a large number of places. Let’s assume that at some point, it was a part of a dead leaf. But that leaf was alive at one point, but the carbon itself was never alive, but the leaf was alive and it was made of the carbon, which was not alive and I am confusing myself.

I should make a diagram.

Harry Potter and the Parentheses

I recently finished the Harry Potter series. I know, I know, I’m sort of late, but still, at least I’ve read it (*cough cough Spinette hasn’t yet cough).

While I could tell you what I thought about the book in proper review manner, I’d rather talk about this one issue I had with the book following the colon:

In one of the books, the sixth or fifth or some other number entirely between one and seven, Dumbledore is speaking and in the middle of the dialogue, there’s a pair of parentheses. Like this:

“How’d my brownie (made of vanilla and coffee) get all the way up on that flagpole?” Spinette exclaims.

How does one go about conveying parentheses in vocal conversations? Will someone please explain this to me?

Little Things I Enjoy

Here is a list. A certain someone gave me this idea.

Introducing: Little Things I Enjoy!

  • Giving myself pep talks in the bathroom.
  • Laughing at my own jokes.
  • Putting wet socks on my forehead.
    • This the best thing ever! You guys should try it!
  • Playing with the webs on my cheeks
  • Twisting my hair
  • Eating my hair, seemingly unknowingly
  • Dramatically taking off my clothes
  • Eating bananas from the other end
    • This is how monkeys eat bananas
  • Making mini ubiquitous white birds with the art of origami
    • It’s my therapy
  • tapping random things
  • spinning random things (that can be spun)
  • swallowing sticks of butter
    • They taste salty sometimes
  • Staging fictional conversations with POI’s
    • I know other people do this too
  • Acting like Arachnid
    • It’s really fun, glaring at people and collecting odd objects
  • Looking at the dates on pennies to see if its recent
  • Paying for food with Canadian Money
  • Fantasizing about biting other people’s nails
    • Especially those people who have those super duper long nails in the World Records
  • Scratching myself
  • Pondering why I don’t consider Arachnid to be a POI
  • Staring at things and imagining black holes to be there
  • Doing office chair yoga poses
    • It’s also part of my therapy
  • Pondering why Arachnid put me into therapy in the first place
  • snapping my fingers
  • People with low, deep voices
  • Doing funny faces in the mirror
  • cutting potato chip bags to discover if the ratio to air and chip is just right
    • I didn’t take Algebra for nothing, now did I?
  • Wearing clothes at the mall then leaving them all in the changing room as decoration
  • The cliche old perverted man in anime
    • They are quite relatable
  • Eating rice, soup and ice cream with chopsticks
  • Key changes in songs
  • para-bam para-bam para-bop para-bop para-bam
  • Blue dyed hair
    • I’ve been thinking about it…
  • Using Sour Punch Straws (a type of candy) to drink things
  • Wondering why the world hasn’t ended yet
  • Petting jealous people
    • If you read my post “Dogs” you’ll see why
  • Watching the effortless motion of cashiers scanning items
  • People touching me
    • I feel so special!

So I guess that is it for my list. Comment the little things you like below! There is really no good way to end this… so this is the end.

 

 

Strange Things I Used to Collect

Yay! Another list! Don’t judge me.

Presenting:

Strange Things I Used to Collect

  • eraser shavings
  • glitter
    • I kept all my glitter in a little honey pot and it was lovely. But then people put glue in the honey pot and ruined all the glitter and the honey pot and that is one of the many, many reasons I don’t like people.
    • I had various colors of glitter, but for some reason, I mixed them into one glitter and added some other stuff too so it looked like a rainbow threw up.
  • sequins
    • I kept my sequins in the tubes that my glitter originally came in.
  • used pencil lead
    • I wanted to see exactly how much I write. This collection is still being continued.
  • broken crayons
  • crayons shaving
    • I collected many crayon shavings and I melted them all down and made a rainbow candle that looked awesome, but I was too lazy to find an actual wick so I used yarn and that didn’t work so I ended up wasting all the crayon shavings that I had spent more time and energy collecting than I care to remember.
  • colored pencil shavings
    • I thought that if I lit colored pencil shaving on fire the smoke would be colored. It was not.
  • regular pencil shavings
    • I liked lighting these on fire too.
  • colored thread
    • I like colored thread. I went to the store a few months ago and they had a spool of bronze thread, and I wanted it sooo badly. I haven’t wanted anything so badly in recent existence. But, I couldn’t think of any practical applications for the bronze thread (since I don’t sew much) other than the fact that it made me happy, so I didn’t get it and I have regretted it every day since.
  • beads
    • no one was allowed to touch my beads.
    • they were organized very specifically.
    • I didn’t like making necklaces because I didn’t like the way the necklaces looked, but I loved my beads. I stared at them often.
  • cat shirts
  • dried plant pieces
    • I still have a dried five-leaf clover, although one of the leaves has fallen off. It’s still green.
  • the circles that you get after you hole-punch paper
  • used pens
  • fairy statues
  • used staples
  • erasers

Red Queen: Some Random Thoughts

My favorite book of all time is Red Queen by Victoria Aveyard. (Although The False Prince by Jennifer A. Nielsen and The Keeper of the Lost Cities series by Shannon Messenger are close contenders.) If you haven’t read it (or them) you should.

This post does include some mild spoilers. You have been warned. (But if you haven’t read the book, I doubt it’ll make much sense.)

I am currently reading Red Queen for the fourth time.

But my rererereading it brings up some points that I always have had questions about.

It explicitly states that there aren’t any physical differences between a Red and Silver, other than the fact the Silvers are generally paler and blush weird.

That implies that if one were to place a Silver and a rather pale Red next to each other, one wouldn’t be able to tell the difference between them (unless the Silver started blowing stuff up or something).

And now my question: The inside of a person’s mouth is pinkish due to their red blood. So if a person had silver blood, wouldn’t the inside of their mouth be gray or something? The corner of a person’s eye is also pinkish due to their red blood. Wouldn’t that be silver for a Silver?

So if the inside of a Silver’s mouth was gray and the inside of a Red’s mouth was pink, then wouldn’t the High Houses know that Mare was only posing as a Silver as soon as she opened her mouth to say something?

Spinette has made an interesting theory on this point, which will follow the colon: What if Silvers have a strange affinity for cherry Kool-Aid or something else with intense red dye?

And now my second question: I have some problems with Mare’s cover story. It said that Mareena Titanos was a Silver who was raised by Reds and she didn’t know that she was a Silver until she was seventeen.

That implies that she didn’t know the color of her own blood, which means that for as long as she could remember, Mareena hadn’t bled at all. Doesn’t this mean that Mareena never injured herself? She never even got a paper cut?

And if Mareena truly was a Silver raised by Reds who believed that she had red blood, it means that she never looked in a mirror to see that her mouth was not pink, but instead gray.

Either way, I am willing to overlook these minor technicalities and just love the book. (But I would love it if someone would explain to me how these things could be. I’m talking to you, Victoria Aveyard.)