I’m sure all of these problems have graced you, dear reader. You wouldn’t believe it, but they’re quite common, really. You’re just sitting there thinking that all your problems are unique because you are a unique and special human bean with your own unique and special set of problems. But nope. Everyone else deals with them, too. You are completely generic. But they won’t anymore, because I’m about to solve all your stupid problems!
Lettuce, begin the drumroll!
You get gum stuck in your hair, but there are no worries. As good ole grandma used to say, “Peanut butter will get gum out of your hair, your pet’s hair, your cactus’s wig. And then you won’t have to become prematurely bald!”
But Grandma never considered what happens after you get the gum out of your hair. What happens when the peanut butter gets stuck?!
The answer is simple.
Become prematurely bald.
Go outside and grab a squirrel. Make sure it doesn’t have rabies! (Rabies are bad, in case you didn’t know.) If squirrels aren’t available, other small, peanut-butter-loving animals are good substitutes.
Set the squirrel in your hair and watch it work its magic.
You are a lover of pickles. (These kinds of people are strange. Dear readers, I know that you are not pickle-lovers, because I like you, so a word of advice from author to reader: Don’t associate with pickle-lovers.) You are such an enthusiast of pickles, that you decide to use your life savings to buy a ticket to Pickle World, the pickle-themed amusement park in L.A. (L.A. is also strange. Do not associate with people from L.A. I mean, those L.A.-ians decided to build a pickle-themed amusement park. Couldn’t they have at least gone with cucumbers?)
At Pickle World, they have giant jars full of giant mutant pickles. Trust me, pickle-lovers love giant pickles and will willingly swim with them, despite the fact that the vinegar will make their skin all pruney and will make them smell awful for weeks.
But sometimes, accidents happen.
Sometimes, people get stuck inside pickles. (Don’t ask me what they were doing. I told you, pickle-lovers are insane.)
But there is an easy solution to this, excuse me for the pun, pickle, as well. But I’m sure you readers won’t need it, since you are not of the pickle-loving breed.
Simply ask a trusted acquaintance to pull you and the pickle out of the jar. You will see that in minutes, no seconds, the pickle will be devoured by ravenous pickle-lovers and you will remain magically unscathed. Pickle-lovers are insane, but they’re not cannibals.
I hoped that I have solved some of your (many) problems. And don’t worry if you have problems that haven’t been addressed in this short post. There will be more parts.
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