Spinette’s Tips for Flirting

Honestly, I could write all about this topic to fill seven dictionary-sized books, but for today, I’ll keep it brief. These quick tips will change your terrible love life to an amazing one in just a single moment! Love is in the air, so on Valentine’s Day being able to make words fly out of your mouth like an angel is advised to get a lifelong partner. Is your love interest about to leave you? Do you want to ask your crush out to the dance? Here is the hub of all your answers!

Tip 1: Make eye contact

This is rule number one! Don’t blink, just stare away. If you do blink make sure you do it one eye at a time, so it comes off as a wink. This is how your love interest knows you’re listening, When they bring up something you’re into in conversation go on and wink or raise your eyebrows. For maximum affect, do the two actions at the same time. Also, when they question your staring make sure to stare even more— they didn’t think your constant eye contact was good enough.

Tip 2: Trap them from the very beginning, throwing a casual pick up line

“Hey hot stuff, you are looking real FINE tonight!”

“I barely know you.”

If your love interest responds with this phrase, that means you are heading in the right direction. This means that the love interest wants to know more of you, and is willing to devote his or her time for you. Do something that will ensure that he or she stays in your company such as sitting on their lap, holding their hand very tightly, or the classic breathing down the neck technique.

Tip 3: Touch those forearms

Touching the forearm is an essential part of the flirting process. Make sure you get in that forearm, that you caress that forearm, that you pet that forearm like it’s your puppy. Go up and down in obvious sweeping motions as you invite the love interest to grab yours. If he/she says yes, this probably means that you are going to get married someday.

“Do you want to touch my forearms?” *sweeping love interest’s forearms*

“Uh…um…yeah, about that, I really need to g—”

“Shh!” *puts finger on his/her mouth* “You’re my puppy now!”

Tip 4: Use metaphor and simile

Remember what your 3rd grade ELA teacher taught you? Here is the time to put it in action. Make sure, like any good compliment, that the flirts are oddly specific. A good example would be:

“Your dress is poofy as a bunch of upturned cupcake wrappers stacked on top of each other!”

Or…

“Your eyes are as green as strawberry flavored American Haribo gummy bears.”

This will make your love interest think that you are an intelligent and poetic person. Also, all the flirty compliments have to be related to food since really that’s your true intention.

Tip 5: Be a cat or dog!

Everyone loves cats and dogs! Adding a cute purr to every sentence, or giving adorable puppy dog eyes will enhance the flirting experience. Once your love interest is about to leave the party, give them a lick to the face.

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The Most Hated Item in Existence (According to me)

You all have probably encountered this thing in your lives. Probably on numerous occasions. Almost every day for some. And if you are like me (as most are, at least in this case), then you hate this thing with a fiery passion.

Yes, you have guessed correctly. This thing that I am talking screaming about is the dreaded alarm clock.

That necessary evil in your life that resides on your night table and shrieks at you much too early in the morning.

Sometimes with incessant, monotonous, and redundant shrilling beeps or sometimes an initially lovely tune that you have slowly developed a deep-rooted hatred for.

The thing that shatters your dreams of unicorns, flying cupcakes, and fictional characters and welcomes you to the dreaded state of being awake. Oh, dreams are so much better than real life. If only they could last. WHICH THEY WOULD IF IT WEREN’T FOR THE ALARM CLOCK.

The horrible welcoming committee that greets you into an unbreakable cycle of wake, eat, work, eat, sleep, wake, work on and on for circles that loop infinitely until your inevitable death, however close or far away.

Sometimes you wish to take deserved revenge. You blame your alarm clock for every bad day. If only you had stayed asleep.

But, trust me, one day you will get your revenge. You will one day decide that enough is enough and you will take a sledgehammer and smash your alarm clock until nothing is left but the remnants of shattered dreams, long ago shriveled and withered and so very brittle.

And you will sleep for as long as you want.