Struggles of the Ambivert

Ambivert- a person who has a balance of introverted and extroverted qualities.

For me, my introvert and extrovert sides switch almost constantly in conversation. People think the Ambiverts get the best of both worlds (to quote a Hannah Montana song). Introverts think they have it hard, but my brain just toys with me each time I try to socialize. It’s bonkers! To illustrate just how weird and annoying this little Ambivert quirk is, here is an example of an ordinary small talk conversation.

Imagine a crowded hallway, filled with people walking in a single direction. A musty smell is in the air, the smell of rotten people. I finish storing some items in a room, when I emerge into the current disgusting humans. My nose is wrinkling, as I grimace, the introvert in me seeping out for the world to see.

As I walk in the same direction the people are going, I see a head poke up from the crowd. Her. A girl (let’s call her… Fishy) I haven’t seen for such a long, long time, not since lunch! Because this was the very last day I was going to be at the facility, I figured that I should go and hug her, just to be friendly. My extrovert spirit pushed me to divert through the crowd, going horizontal to their vertical, while painfully smiling and apologizing to people around me. I almost ran over a guy trying to find my through the crowd.

Finally, I made my way to Fishy, ready, my arms wiggling by my sides as preparation for a hug. The Extreme Extrovert throws down her chess piece, smiling, gazing intently upwards at her tall stature. Fishy will of course, hug me, saying that she’ll miss me. That is how she works.

“Hey,” she says, “You know I’m going to see you at your Some Random Party, right? You don’t really need to give me a hug.”

Or so I thought.

The shining extrovert in my eyes fades away, replaced by a dark, distant introvert gaze. Yeah, right, I thought, scornfully, You Frosted Flake. Of course you’ll be there! I giggled softly at my ill mannered mental insult. You see, Fishy, not to detract from her awesomeness, is sweet, but always comes late, or cancels last minute with plans. So that basically means that she is sort of fits into the flake stereotype. (If you happen to be Fishy…well, um, you are awesome, it’s just my introvert side just hates everyone. Sorry!)

“Bye,” I wave weakly, flustered. Red consumes my cheeks, flushed in embarrassment. Why did I start a talking spree? I think, skipping away, taking refuge at the empty end of the hallway. Paradise is here, alone with nothing holding me back. Or is it back in the crowded end of the hallway, where I could express my feelings with others?

I don’t know. I have the best of both worlds, but the certainty of none, without a strict border to bind me. I’m an Ambivert, after all.

The Secrets of Santa Claus

Santa Claus may be one of the most mysterious of the holiday figures (including the Easter Bunny, Cupid, etc.). He’s also very popular, considering how many people impersonate him in the winter months. Do you think there are more Elvis Presley or Santa impersonators?

There are some serious plot holes in his story, but that’s to be expected as he’s so mysterious.

Every year on the 25th of December, he manages to accomplish the impossible and travels to every house on the globe whether it is to deliver colorful presents or coal.

 

I have some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop does this.

Some theories as to how the jolly red gumdrop travels to every house on the globe in one night:

1. Santa Claus is secretly The Flash
2. Santa has the power to clone himself
3. Santa controls the minds of every parent and forces them to buy presents (or coal) for their children and put them underneath decorated pine trees on midnight on Christmas Eve.

 

Do you think Santa gets migraines from watching every single kid every single minute of every single day?

And how does he deliver presents in tropical climates without melting in his big red suit?

 

Another question to consider: How does Santa, a very large man, fit down such small chimneys? Is he actually smaller than people assume? Or can he shrink himself? Or is his large size all a trick of proportions and cameras?

And what does he do when the house doesn’t have a chimney? Climb in the window?

And what if the fireplace is on?

How to NOT get run over by a reindeer this Christmas

Grandma got run over by a reindeer…

Everyone has heard of this song, but do we know how much actually rings to be true? Each year, about a half million people get run over by various types of reindeer, mostly during Christmas to New Year’s Eve (www.thisstatismadeup.org). According to this news story, reindeer attacks are very traumatizing and should be avoided. These people in the report state their case, as reindeer can be fierce with tough hooves and claw like antlers.  Vicious Reindeer 

So how do we avoid such terrible threats? By eating chocolate? By staying inside? By not believing in Santa?

Step 1: Wear protective clothing!

Make sure you stand out from the ground, whether it be snow or grass. The only surefire way to do this is by wearing bright neon orange, because as we all know, red is simply not original. Reindeer look for generic-ism, for people who don’t stand out and look like scrumptious berries on mistletoe. If you wear white or green, you are automatically cast out as a landing pad for Santa and his reindeer on Christmas Eve. Other colors do not work because they are acceptable to wear in public and Santa will frown at his generally distasteful costume once looking at you, and we don’t want to hurt Santa’s feelings, do we? Santa has insecurities too and wearing neon orange will remind him that at least someone has a more terrible suit than him. Of course, do not actually dress up as Santa because the real Santa will see you as a dirty fraud to his expertise and chase you (I know this from personal experience).

Step 2: Keep away from all carrots, apples, mushrooms and greens at all costs!

These foods are the favorites of the reindeer and should not be eaten during the holidays. Besides, they are green booger slop as mentioned by previous post. (Except apples— they are chainsaws.) By keeping these foods away, you not only benefit your diet, but your lower your chances by getting run over by a reindeer. But, if you do have to go near these foods, here are some disposal methods I recommend:

• Giving a sleigh ride to your food into a nearby potted plant
• Throwing it outside and covering it with snow (built a snowman over it—I’m sure the reindeer will smash it)
• Trade plates with a particularly annoying family member or friend
• Hanging the food by a noose

After you’ve disposed of the food, it is best that you completely disinfect yourself. Shower in Febreeze and tomato juice, but make sure you keep that neon orange jumper on!

Step 3: Refuse to go to any place with reindeer, caribou, horses, zebras, giraffes, or donkeys!

If you have been a sinful little Johnny this year (which I can assure you, by reading TheWebWeavers, you are), reindeer will try to hunt you down! By using whatever relations they have, they will find you and attempt to break your head open, so please keep away from all reindeer-like creatures. If you can, lock yourself in an empty room, or if you get lonely, lock yourself in a room of aquariums. That way, you are isolated from all the land animals and all possible carriers of the reindeer relations. Bring any type of food you want, except the foods mentioned above and eggnog into the room, because you’ll probably be in there for quite awhile. Also, break your phone—I heard the reindeer are getting better with tech nowadays.

Step 4: Believe!

Like the news report highlighted, believe in Santa, his elves and most importantly, his reindeer. I heard that Santa will give a good pummel of reality to anyone who doesn’t believe in him. Honestly, I don’t blame the guy! He’s been watching you all year and most people don’t even give him one day to revel in his achievements! That’s why Santa has reindeer henchmen, ready to hoof you into the snow. As an extra tip, don’t make snow angels, since that is perfect hoofing position for the ones who don’t believe. Their smiles turn into frowns once countered with the shadow of the hoof.

Step 5: Stop at the red light!

I don’t mean the traffic light, silly! I mean Rudolph’s light, shining bright on his nose. Once you see that light, stop right where you are and dart in the other direction, screaming.