When you are Home Alone

What do you do when you are home alone?

You could partake in a whole manner of embarrassing activities when there is no one around simply because you can and there is no one around to judge you.

You could break some rules.

You could…

  • Leave all the lights on
  • Throw all the sheets on floor
  • Hang all the wall decor sideways
  • Eat mushed Jell-O on a hot dog bun
  • Throw a temper tantrum
  • Fling things that have been bothering you (like unsharpened pencils, dirty stuffed animals, a tissue box, etc.) down the stairs
  • Rip up paper and throw it in the air like confetti (like homework, taxes, receipts, etc.)
  • Switch the tulips and the begonias in the flower bed
  • Run
  • Stomp
  • Scream
  • Throw things (such as textbooks, dirty stuffed animals, plastic flamingos, etc.)
  • Hold a tea party with your china dolls as you’ve wanted to since you were a child, but haven’t as it is considered socially unacceptable for an adult over the age of 33.56 to be the host of a tea party if none of the guests are alive or human.
  • Smash things

Do you remember that first time you were alone? Were you one of those people who sat diligently in view of all the entrances to your house? Or were you the one who went slightly insane?

The first time I was home alone, I was asleep.

The second time, I first checked that all the doors were locked. Then, I gorged myself on chocolate, shrieked, and ran around. I believe I also read in the dark.

But, of course, there is a price to pay for every cricket of fun. (Cricket is a very real and definitely not made-up unit of measurement.)

Imagine you tore out the first fifty pages of all of your bothersome textbooks and flung the corpses down the stairs, all while screaming. The phone rings. You freeze, your mouth full of peanut butter, globs of it dripping onto the nice tablecloth. You see the caller ID says “Mother” and you wince. You know that you have to pick it up otherwise your mother may believe that an overweight gumdrop has broken into your house and kidnapped you. You hold the phone against your sticky face and say, your enunciation horrific due to the peanut butter coating your tongue and teeth, “Hello?”.

You: Hello?

Mother: My engagement has been canceled because an Inconceivable Event has just occurred. I’ll be home in fifteen minutes. (Sigh) I’ll just get married next month. And I thought your enunciation was better than that.

What you must do in fifteen minutes:

  • Pick up the confetti
  • Tape the confetti together so it looks like the first fifty pages of your textbooks
  • Replace the first fifty pages in your textbooks
  • Fix damage to textbooks from being flung down the stairs
  • Wash the nice tablecloth
  • Get new peanut butter
  • Wipe peanut butter off every surface in your house
  • Take a shower
  • Brush your teeth
  • Bribe your neighbors so they don’t tell your mother anything

2 thoughts on “When you are Home Alone

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