I’m not one to get angry a bunch, but sometimes insults just grind my gears. Smoke blows out my ears, my face gets red (usually my nose), and I glare at that person for hours and hours. Just believe me on this one— I do get really mad. I don’t show it, but sometimes the anger just ripples under my skin. I metaphorically turn into Arachnid when she’s at a party, but it isn’t just discomfort under my glance, I have a raging fire. No, make that a war, a giant fight of good versus evil, chaos exploding everywhere in my mind as a glare at my newfound opponent.

Here are some punches you can use to destroy people who insult you. You can thank me later.

Insult 1: “You’re ugly!”

“I am shiny and all, but I think you are mistaking me for a mirror.”

“Am I? I was trying to look like you today!”


Insult 2: “I’m way cooler than you, you nerd!”

“Does that mean I’m hotter than you?”

“Is that why you are so slow? Brain Freeze?”


Insult 3: “You are weird.”

“And you are generic, Bob.”

“You are, but what am I?”


Insult 4: “You idiot!”

“If I called you an idiot back, it would be an insult to all the idiots of the world.”

“Brains aren’t everything, you know. In your case, they are nothing.”


Insult 5: “Your comebacks are awful!”

“At least I don’t lie every single time my lips move.”

“I’m rubber and you are glue. Whatever bounces off me sticks on to you. Right now, you are dry glue on my finger tips, ready to be scratched off.”


Insult 6: “You are too young for this!” or “You are too old for this!” (only for things that don’t have age restrictions)

“Unlike you, I can count my years. See? 1, 2, 3, 4,…..”

“At least in these (whatever your age is) I’ve been doing something in my life!”


Insult 7: “You blobfish!”

“It looks like your mouth is having diarrhea!” *gets paper towel and wipes*

“Your butt must be jealous of all that junk you are spewing out!” *gets diaper*


Insult 9: “You open the door like this…see?” (like they actually think you are dumb)

“How do I shut your mouth? Can you teach me?”

“Oh, I actually know how to do that, but thank you.” *Slams the door in opponent’s face*


Insult 10: “You actually like that book?”

“I love it …but you are on the other side of the spectrum!”

“The words in this book are worth way more than your stinky comebacks.”


As I said again… you can thank me later you ugly, uncool, dumb, idiot, wrinkly baby elephants who reek of a foul stench.

I wanted to end the post like that so you nonexistent readers can parade me with comebacks in the comments, but I really just couldn’t. It’s hard to hate elephants who actually spend time reading what you have to type. I love you, nonexistent reader elephants! Remember to spread positive vibes and absolutely DESTROY anyone who stands in your way.




We Wrote a Book!

Hello, dear nonexistent readers.

If you weren’t aware, Spinette and I have recently written a book. It is called Slugventures: The Adventures of a Slug and chronicles the adventures of PeeWee the slug as he attempts to defeat his archnemesis¬†PeaWea and save the Unicornian race.