Some Ramblings Concerning ze Illuminati

Ok, so let’s start with one of the most known things in triangular culture, the Doritos.

  • spicy
  • orange
  • cool-looking
  • orange dust on ze fingers
  • hotter than you

But this information does not only apply to simple Doritos—this applies to Cheetos as well. What else is connected with Cheetos? Chester the Cheetah! He is the mascot on all Cheetos bags, with a cool attitude and amazing style. In fact, if you look at this picture, you will see there isn’t a single triangle on him. This is because Chester here is not part of Illuminati, but the Circalami.  1d8f4804d65ec1d6a71e9a48c0d0aa09--rock-painting-tatoos

In 1966, Doritos were created, marking the beginning of the famously unfamous triangle society. About thirty-eight years later, Cheetos debuted. Is this a coincidence? I THINK NOT! The number three is obviously the three points of the triangle, but the eight remains a mystery. 8. The number eight is made up of two circles, but why two?

To answer this question we need to go back to Chester. Who could possibly be the second circle? Of course, it is Tony the Tiger, the mascot for Frosted Flakes!


If you look closely, you’ll see that he has black stripes on his body, in the shape of you guessed it! TRIANGLES!

What does this mean? If Tony is one of the 2 subgroups of …

Could it be? Are Doritos, Chester the Cheetah, and Tony the Tiger coming to haunt us all? This means that there are 2 subgroups, the Illuminati and the Circalami! Does this mean that they are in all one big group? Or are they rivaling sides?

All we are left with is one clue: “THEY’RE GGGGGRRRREAT!”

Let’s analyze this quote by our beloved tiger. When he says GGGGGRRRREAT is he referring to either pleasure, size, or number.

But what exactly is he referring to?

An army filled with Illuminati militants? WHAT IS HE TRYING TO SAY?

Let’s gather some evidence from this Uncyclopedia Article:

This astounding ability did not go unnoticed, and when he reached the age of 18, Tony received an invitation to attend Cambridge University. He literally leaped at the chance,[1] and was soon studying for a major in English Language. While at university, Tony’s interest in politics was heightened. He soon joined the Cambridge Debating Society, both silencing rivals and impressing veteran debaters with his quick-witted responses to the various arguments raised. In one particular debate, in which Tony was arguing for the capitalist South Korea, her allies, and their ideologies in relation to the Korean War, he felled the opposition with the one rebuke: “They’re grrrreat!” These two carefully-chosen words silenced his debating rivals and saw him go down in Cambridge history as one of the true greats of oratory,” —

By this article, carefully chosen from a reliable source, we can see that Tony the Tiger has been fighting for us all along. This is what we need. WORLD PEACE OUT!


4 thoughts on “Some Ramblings Concerning ze Illuminati

    1. It took hours and days and years to reach such conclusions, so I was very excited to reveal my theories to the world. It may seem a bit far fetched but I believe this is the true intentions of the Illuminati.


      1. Doritos are triangles because research found that there’s no way to eat a Dorito in a sensible way. If you bite it, you not only get crumbs and dust everywhere, but you also create a tiny weapon which runs a 6.66% chance of cutting up the roof of your mouth. If you don’t bite it and put it wide side first into your mouth, you look like an idiot. Not a sexy idiot, either, but a full-blown window licking, snot-on-your-forehead fool. Putting the small side in your mouth first runs the risk of either choking you or stabbing the back of your throat in blood-spewing glory. See? No way to be a sexy Dorito eater.

        Chester Cheetah used to work for us as Chief of Cheespiracies. One of his jobs was the oversight of Dorito manufacturing. Unfortunately, we found him doing something ungodly into one of the vats of cheesy non-cheese cheese byproduct. It only required one hand but he was using two, which is against regulations. He was subsequently fired and tossed into one of the vats for reprocessing. We’re thinking of slapping an “organic” sticker on the bags now.

        Tony the Tiger thinks he works for us. He’s been desperately trying to get in since the fifties, even go as far as to moonlight for Exxon, a company which we partially ruled at the time. He has, fortunately, lost his damned mind and has convinced himself that the number of letters in his shouted motto is some kind of code for us to launch into action. He’s right that it does…we have a drinking game based on it.

        Liked by 1 person

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