Pockets: A Rant

I am a girl. Therefore, I wear girls’ clothing. Girls’ clothing includes pants.

PANTS THAT DO NOT HAVE FRONT POCKETS!

It is an abomination!

I am a pragmatist. Therefore, I like things that are practical. Pants that do not have front pockets are not practical.

To clarify, our pants do have front pockets, they are just FAKE. As in, you can not put ACTUAL MATERIAL POSSESSIONS in them. Only imaginary material possessions fit in these imaginary pockets. But what is the use of imaginary material possessions in an actual world?

As our pants do not have front pockets, we are forced to use our back pockets, which are absolutely minuscule. So if we somehow manage to stuff all our material possessions in these absolutely minuscule back pockets without ripping the entire pocket off, we are still forced to sit on our material possessions. What if your material possession happens to be a black hole encased in glass that would devour the entire world if the glass were ever to shatter?

Since we have no place to put our material possessions, we girls are forced to carry around inane mobile pockets called purses to tote our belongings. They are incredibly irritating and they get in the way of everything and you always have to watch out for purse burglars. If only we had actual pockets. It is quite difficult to steal a pocket.

An absolutely marvelous idea is presented in Keeper of the Lost Cities by Shannon Messenger: What if pockets were on your ankles?

Wouldn’t that be spectacular? It would solve all problems! Front pockets could be fake, but you’d still have a place to put your material possessions. And, as a bonus, you wouldn’t have to sit on your stuff (which is absolutely absurd, by the way), which means the world wouldn’t be devoured by a rampaging black hole!

A note to fashion-people: Make pants with pockets at the ankles.

Mavis Dee also makes a lovely addition to this worthwhile argument about the imperative lack of pockets which you will find by clicking on the word “link”.

Link

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